Life Goes On.

Hi everyone. I have been a widow since August 11th, 2012. I just survived my first holiday season without the love of my life. It was awful. Even though my family and close friends tried to make things a little easier for me, it didn't go very well. Christmas was a big deal for me and my husband. We both enjoyed it and I would really decorate the house. I was glad when it was all over. I am still crying a lot and I talk to him everyday. I am now looking for work, for both the money and my sanity. I realize that my life will go on, but I still don't feel like putting much into it. For him, I will try, because I know that he would want me to pull myself together. One thing I have learned, is that until you are in this spot, no one has any idea what you go through.
bellaboo2 bellaboo2
51-55, F
2 Responses Jan 7, 2013

You are so right. No one really understands until it happens to them. I think everyone thought I was okay because I did not openly fall apart. But I am a very private shy person. The sad times and lonely times still hit me often. Most just don't know about it.

You are so right about that "other side" of the family. His sister was a cardiac intensive care nurse. So when she came down from Michigan to see him after the attack, I felt like she thought I had not been taking proper care of him or he would not have had this happen. I had been in the house with him, but in another room. I answered a phone call that was for him and went into the kitchen to hand him the phone and he was down and not moving on the kitchen floor. He had been sitting at the kitchen table. I never heard a peep out of him or anything indicating he had fallen. I think that was the problem. I was about to leave for work and if it had happened a few minutes later he would have been home all alone anyway. I still have guilt, but mostly because I think they blame me.

I unfortunately know what you are going through. It is a feeling that can not really be expressed into words. My husband died in 2000. I had a little one that caused me to live and it was hard and is sometimes still very hard. My love ones speak of the good times and great memories of my husband which sometimes make me feel as if he is on a trip and will return soon.

Getting back into the work force will take some getting use to. If you are a private person then know already what you intend to tell others because people will ask you a thousand questions, however they forget that, when you go home, you are returning to a home that is still missing your spouse.

For some people it takes a little time and for some people it takes a long time and for others there is no set time to give. You take as long as it takes for you to greive. For me Thanksgiving was the holiday to get through. My husband would want to start at 2 am to start preparing the meal. Now nothing. I eventually started cooking again for Thanksgiving. But I do no do it every year. When I feel I do. When I don't I don't.

Only you know how long and what pace to go with this. It has been almost 13 years for me and I miss him dearly.
Be strong and encouraged and feel free to reach out to me anytime.


BW4U

Hi bw4u, I'm sorry that you too have gone through this. I appreciate your letting me know that you have read my post and can appreciate exactly what I am saying. You are right, I can be out all day, but, I always come home to an empty house. Please keep in touch.

I will stay in touch and know that if you need an ear I am hear. If you need a smile I am sure that I can help you find one. I am here for you.