My Soul Mate Is Gone

I am completely devastated without my fiancee Douglas. He was always here for me, we shared everything, and we loved one another immensely. He was very intelligent and funny. We doted on each other, and it was wonderful. We were together almost 5 years and had planned on marrying the summer before he died. He died in April 2012. T.S. Eliot was correct when he stated, “April is the cruelest month.”

I was at the diner, where I meet my friends almost every morning for coffee. One of my friends came in and said an ambulance was at Doug’s house. Then a customer came in and said, “They just found Doug H. dead in his house.” I burst into tears and told my friends, “I can’t sit here,” as I ran out of the diner. I raced to Doug’s house and an ambulance was there, along with three Sheriff’s cars. Doug’s farm hands were there. A friend who lives in and works on Doug’s farm house, was working on the house next door. I know these three men very well, as they all worked for Doug. I jumped out of my car and screamed, “Where’s Doug?” I was totally hysterical and overwhelmed as all the neighbors stood staring and our friends looked sadly at one another. One of our friends came over to me and said Doug was gone. I dropped onto the front lawn hysterical.

I know it hurt our friends to see me anguished and learning Doug was dead like that. Doug’s car and truck were in the driveway. I yelled at my friends that I couldn’t look at his pick up and I hopped in my car and raced to my church looking for my neighbor who works there. She wasn’t there, but the pastor was there and I told him, as well as I was able to, what was going on. He told me to sit in the church and he would be back. I was crying and begging God not to take him from me as I waited my pastor to return. He came back and said he gave Doug his last rites. He talked to me till I calmed down. My pastor said the sheriff’s needed me to go back to Doug’s house. I drove back to Doug’s crying and defeated by life.

When I arrived back at Doug’s, his truck was gone. I found out later his workers drove it out to the farm and put it in the garage. A friend showed up a few minutes later. She raced home from work because her husband called her about Doug, and told her that she was needed to help calm me down. She led me to the house next door, and we sat in the bed of a pick up and she held me as I cried. The sheriff, who I know too, came out and asked me if I wanted to see him one last time. I told him I couldn’t see Doug like that. When the coroner was ready to take Doug, they told my friend and I pressed my head into my friend’s shoulder and cried. I couldn’t believe everything that was happening, it was way too much to absorb.

After the coroner left, I went into Doug’s house and washed the dishes in the sink. I saw Doug’s baby aspirin open on the kitchen table. Doug had a very bad heart and he took it for his heart. I knew Doug’s family would have to take care of emptying his house, and it would be the last time I would be in the house. I walked through and touched his special things. I went room by room and closed and locked the windows. I locked Doug’s front door realizing I just lost the most wonderful man I ever loved.

Doug’s sister let me have whatever I wanted. I took a painting he made in college and some of our favorite books. Doug and I loved to fly kites, and she offered me his entire kite collection. I declined as I can’t see them, it will be too upsetting. She gave his kites to friends in town, who I told, “do not show them to me. It will be too upsetting.”

It was an emotional funeral service for me. I only said a few words, as I was hysterical. I had to get medication from the doctor because my head hurt so badly from crying, and I couldn’t sleep. I had to get professional counseling and I feel that helped me. I recently had to move away due to transportation issues because of my spinal disease. I miss Doug terribly, but I know someday we will be reunited. I feel its better I got away from it all and have friends and family where I now live. I miss my soul mate and I know we will be together in the afterlife.
badback4life badback4life
46-50, F
2 Responses Jan 13, 2013

It was absolutely horrible, but now nine months later, I am grateful we were happy till the last second of his life. He didn't suffer and I didn't have to watch him suffer. We were very religious and interested in the afterlife. I know he's okay, and so am I.

very touching....I am sorry....