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Missing My Husband & Soulmate

We thought we were going home for the week-end to attend his step-sister's funeral.  My husband, the love of my life, was actually returning home to go to his heavenly home.  It's been almost six months now and I still can't believe it, he was only 59 years old and loved by everyone.  Although my faith has helped me keep all of this in perspective, I still miss my husband and sometimes just don't understand why it happened.   I feel it would help if I could form new friendships with people who've had the experince of losing their spouse; thus, the reason for my email.

rme879 rme879 56-60 53 Responses Oct 6, 2008

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Hello fellow grievers πŸ’” My dear husband passed away 6 months ago from complications of open heart surgery (56 years old). We were together for 33 inseparable years. He was my everything & want him back so much. I have had losses in my life (mother/grandparents/friends) but nothing compares to the pain I'm going through!! I'm going thru my hectic schedule as usual..,owning a child care, taking care of my 90 year old Dad (he lives with me), & being a Mom to my 2 sons. I love my job & the kids are my saving grace...but.. I cry daily from my broken heart! I'm an optimist & loving person & cannot mend my hurt! From the moment he passed my world has changed forever! I've looked for signs from him (asked him when he was alive, to give me a sign from the other side! Since the moment he passed, I've been looking... A cardinal appeared at my front door (twice)...is that a sign? Everybody said YES, but still looked for more. He knew I wanted a sign that he was ok & that it confirmed that there is something beyond. Well, Monday it happened...My husband had a motorcycle that he totally loved. It sat here a month & his cousin said let me pick it up, fix it up & sell it (both my sons didn't want it), so I agreed since I choked up everytime I passed it. Monday it was sold. The man loved the bike & wanted to buy it. When the title work was happening, the guy said that's wierd...my last name is Pennington too!! What are those odds!!! I felt truly it was a tangible sign and truly comforted me. I cannot wait to see my husband in heaven! I believe in angels!πŸ‘Ό And even know I'm grieving him so, feel comforted knowing His spirit is watching me and protecting me & family!! I love you Rick Pennington forever!!πŸ’™πŸ‘ΌπŸ™πŸ’‹

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My husband Tom died of cancer 2years ago this April. I can relate to your yearning for your dear husband. Today I was outside in the garden and it was too painful as I saw him everywhere and felt so sorrowful that he was missing this lovely day. It hasn't got better. Sometimes I feel I'm going mad with grief. Missing him is too simplistic. It is an eternal longing, yearning, wishing, crying and pleading. Tom is with me every day and night. I love him more after death. I talk to him. I ask him to help me to accept and heal. I write to him twice weekly and tell him all that is happening in my life. The trivialities, the jobs that need done around the house, the bills to be paid, how I'm managing and not managing, how some people have no conception of the magnitude of the suffering and sorrow I have: how my heart is breaking, my body goes into shock and my heRt hits the pit of my stomach when I realise he's dead, dead what a word. My Tom. He was so strong, good ,kind, dependable, funny, capable, reliable, steadfast and loved and cared about me. Now that leaves me alone although I have siblings. No one can understand except us....you and me and other widows. Widows ..I hate that word. I'm still married in my mind.. I sit here in bed after crying in the garden. I had been out with sisters, but I was disconnected. Is that my doing? Not really it's a way of escaping their conversation all about nothing I'm interested in. I keep my feelings closed as rarely they are asked for. Do they know my heart is cleft in two? Do they know I'm bereft? Do they know my life has changed forever. Chats of afternoon teas, shopping, holidays, what's for dinner are of no interest to me. My Tom is dead and half of me died with him. I'm too sad, lonely, full of sorrow, full of sadness that Tom does not have a life and is dead. When will I be able to laugh as they do and mean it? I'm sorry you did ask for someone to respond to you. Perhaps his is too raw and if it upsets you I'm sorry.Please forgive me for pouring out my feelings. I've been keeping them in all day and thought I'd go mad. I feel that cancer is so cruel and it was awful watching the strong man you love decline. However, we did cope then. We loved, cared, put aside our own suffering for them to live and love until death did us part. Yes it happened. It's a wAking nightmare. Are they at peace. I ask Tom for a sign so as I know he is at peace. All I wNt is for him to be free from suffering and I feel guilty asking him to help me. He was my rock...he still can be. Oh you are not alone. Believe me I understand. I ask questions. My heart breaks. I'm not really happy, but I have grandchildren and a daughter recovering from two mastectomies. So I'm lucky. I also give thanks for Tom. Some women do not love their husbands and have unhappy marriages. I'm lucky as I had 41 years with Tom. Is it enough...not really, but it's a positive. I feel good when I tell him how much I love him and what he brought to my life.he was my friend so yes he's dearly missed. I told him everything, all my fears and joys. Who else do we tell these things to? Our deepest secrets they knew. How do we hold our emotions?I had bereavement counselling at the hospice and the counsellor was superb. I let out my innermost thoughts without vulnerability. It was good to be listened to and to receive empathy. I do hope I've helped. These are my thoughts tonight. Speak to him ,write to him

I lost my husband one month ago. He was my soulmate, and the best dad my kids could ever have wished for. He was also a brilliant innovator. He was only 46 and was robbed at gunpoint while on a business trip in another country. The shock of this has still not worn off. We are fortunate to have some wonderful counsellors through this. I know I have to go on for my children, but really don't want to right now. I also know he is guiding us and that we will be together with all of those we love again. Sending love to all of you who are experiencing this desperation.

Hi I lost my husband May 3 2009. The day after my birthday. He was only 44 he died from Liver Cirrohsis. Yes he was a drinker on and off. I have 3 kids. I also have a autistic child. It was so hard in the beginning. I was so angry. We didn't have the proper goodbye because he didn't think he was going to die. It was hard to watch at the end because he was so skinny and yellow. My kids at the time were 12, 10, and 7. My 12 year old had it really hard. She was so upset. I didn't know how to explain it to them and my autistic son that was 10 couldn't undersand it at all. I was in total shock. I know though I had to be there for my kids so I really couldn't grieve. I had to be a good mother for my kids. I couldn't believe now I had to do it all by myself. I have to admit I am very tired at times. I work and then I have to come home and do the homework everything. I feel at times I am superwoman. I have no help. I don't wish this on anyone. I was so angry at my husband at times. I do miss him alot at times. Now I wish I could find a nice man so I can get on with my life. I know my husband would want me to be happy again. I wish I knew if he was watching over us. I am trying to make my kids life happy. I really try to do things with them. My kids are now 16 and a half, 14, and 12. My 16 still goes to therapy because she was so hurt and upset. My kids don't have many men in their lives. My stepfather and my brothers but, they don't see them much just they see my stepfather a lot. My dad is still alive and has no part of their lives. It is a really sad story. I try to be happy but, at times I am sad and lonely. I miss him alot especially around the holidays. It was hard because I had to say goodbye to on my 40 birthday. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I have faith in God. My priest is my neighbor and he helps me and my kids a lot. I go to church every week and pray for my husband and thank god I have my kids and everything. God Bless everyone. I hope everyone gets through their loss. This January would of been 17 for us. It is still hard especially when I see friends or other people complain about their husbands or tell me what they got from Christmas from their husband. I have told people at least you have your husband. I am sorry it is just really hard at times. My oldest daughter couldn't go to his grave for the longest time. When she finally did she cried yelled all the same time. I think it helped her a lot. My youngest daughter has a hard time in a different way she wants to go everywhere with me when I go out. She told the therapist she is afraid that I am going to go out and not come back she is so afraid. I tell her nothing is going to happen to me but, she doesn't believe it. So I just take her everywhere but, if I do go by myself somewhere she calls alot. God Bless Everyone!!!

Hello and my sympathy to you all. I lost my husband almost 5 years ago. He was only 44 years old. He died from Liver Cirrohsis. My oldest was only 12 at the time and my autistic son was 10 and my youngest daughter was only 7. It was so hard to try to explain to them. My 12 year old had it hard. I was so angry and sad at the same time. I said to myself I have to go on for my children.. It was not easy. I turned to my priest and my family for support. I didn't know what to do. I hope he is looking down on us. We didn't have a proper goodbye so that why it made it harder. I tried to have a talk with him but, he didn't believe he would die. I even asked him to make a video for his kids since he couldn't write. Today I try so hard to make a happy life for my kids. It is hard for me at times to work and help with homework and everything. I get so tired at times. The Holiday's are the toughest for me. I feel I didn''t have a lot of time to grieve because I had to be a good mother for my kids. I feel so alone at times. I hardly ever go out because all my friends are married so I just stay home. I would like down the road to meet a nice guy. This whole situation has not been easy. My one daughter who is now 16 in a half had a really hard time and she still goes to a therapist she was so angry. My husband's sister lives in Florida and she never calls to see how the kids are doing. That makes me feel so bad. I have tried she only sends presents for Christmas and their birthday's. She hasn't seen them in 4 years. Thank goodness I have my mother and stepfather. They are the only ones that see my kids alot. I am trying to get on with my life but, it is so hard. I have faith in God but, I am so hurt over this.

Hi my fellow widows and widowers , My life changed may 9th 2013, sunny our golden Retriver , woke me to try to save Ron , as I called 911 i felt so alone. I started CPR , can't believe this was happening , the paramedics tried to save him , had to drag sunny off Ron for them to work on him. He did not survive the widow maker . We were married 37 years. I just want to die.

Hi Sunnylady I read your post and I feel we have a lot in common. My dear sweet husband past away May 26 2013. He suffered with colon cancer for a year. Holidays coming feeling very sad. It is very hard living without him If you want to write its ok

I understand how you feel. My husband died from the same thing....I also had to do CPR on him to no avail. He was only 53 and we had been married 28 years....not long enough! I'm also very sad, and miss him so much every day......it's been 4 months, and I wonder how I'll ever really feel like living again. We were both Christians, so I know I'll see him again but I miss him so much until then.

Hi I so very sorry for all these people who have lost there loved ones I know how much pain you have i feel just same the my husband die on 31 July 20012 after two years of copeing with cancer he fight so hard to stay with us his death was so bad he lasted 3 days in pain he looked like a man who was eighty i still can see his face he was in so much pain we were together 38 years we married when i was 18 teen
He was 56 when he die i feel just when he had retired we should have had time to spend together he did everthing from paying the bills to sorting out everthing i am so lost the pain is unbear able i dont want to go on my own i have three boy but it not the same i love him so much he was my life
I keep going but for them but i just want to give up.
I hope your pain will stop one day

You are saying everything that I am feeling!!! I lost my husband of 35+ years right before Christmas 2013, it is just past 6 months ALREADY....how did that happen? I have only one daughter and granddaughter that I am close to. My dad (76yrs) my brothers (52&49) are nonexistent, even though they live here. It would be better if they lived further...but having 'family' who have no use for you now that YOU need help is adding, insult to injury. My parents were married 45 years, then Mom passed in 2006 (at age 66) from post-polio complications. My dad did not let any grass grow at his feet. NINE days after her funeral, he took up with a GF from 5 decades prior! On the other side of coin, my spouse's family actually blame me and call me names -gold digger, thief, criminal, murderer, abuser, etc....yet they knew he (we) fought for 5 years-- (nsc) lung cancer is unfair!!! nonsmokers, healthy, active, restoring Victorian home purchased just 6 years prior, good jobs, money in bank. We were in the best place in all aspects of our lives---a far cry from the meager beginning at ages 15 (me) and 17 (him) I left my great paying job in 2010 to start my own business and be available for him 24/7. I went to EVERY appointment--every treatment, EVERYTHING! NOBODY ELSE EVER WENT TO EVEN ONE!!! How can they condemn ME-when nobody else ever bothered? They did not even visit any of the many times he was inpatient or at the house. I know that it was hard for people to face reality- however, WE had to face it--and we did so knowing that nobody else really cared to bother. When the brain Mets really began to be 'noticeable' and thus began behavioral issues. Then the person that I knew slowly slipped away--it took over a year, the longest year of my life! Dummy me, I thought it could not get much worse. I was so terribly wrong! Our hospice provider (I use that term loosely, as they were far from helpful and cheated us out of so many last moments- I have yet to complete their survey as I am waiting until I can do so w/o so many emotions) It seems EVERYTHING is a challenge for me--getting up out of bed, finding a job, cleaning the house, completing death claims--everything!!! I feel like why bother? Nobody comes over, nobody calls, even my daughter only calls when she wants something. Truly, just ONE person really cares if I remain-and that would be my 9 yr old granddaughter. She is what keeps me here! I cannot hurt her, I am the one person she can be completely honest and raw with me--sometimes it breaks my heart when she shares. I really believe my daughter is just concerned about money...wants to know how much to expect--also has mentioned that the 'sooner' I go--the more money-as they will have more, counting my husband's estate that I now have PLUS then mine. It is split 30/70 with a trust set up in granddaughter's name and she is 70%. Her trust is completely sealed under the attorney. I do not want my daughter to ever touch the trust. We have paid dearly for that service, but you do what you have to. NOW, my daughter has actually said, "when in your term coverage up?” what? Really? Well- maybe YOU should pay for my coverage. Anyway- On top of the all-encompassing grief, I have horrible people (family...) in my life and zero shoulders to lean on. I feel so very alone and lonely. I remember on the night of my husband's seizure (a first --but very very bad-in 11/2013) As our daughter sat on the floor with him holding his head, he began to come back to us, he said to her specifically, ' do not let your mom get lonely' AND she told me this--but that is exactly what she has done. Anyway- he lost his dad unexpectedly when he was 9 years old...he was the junior, his dad's shadow. His dad, a police officer was killed in the line of duty. It has been 43 years since he passed and he had to live in a boy's home until age 16. He has always intensely missed his dad. The ONLY way I can rationalize is that it was time for him to see his dad again....to which he said-it has been THIS LONG, another 20 years won't matter and I want to see our granddaughter grow up and I promised you forever. Like you, I do not want another 'life' after this. I want MY LIFE BACK! People say, well you were lucky, you had 35 years--NO, not my view of it-I was robbed and cheated out of my forever. People tell me that 'I AM FREE' as it's 'till death do you part' well, again-I assumed it was BOTH of our lives....I am not 'dead' at least in the reality sense. I have no desire to be around any other man-ever. However, oddly enough my daughter TELLS ME that I cannot 'hook up' with anyone ever as that would be 'weird for her' Well, okay then--we would not want anything 'weird' for YOU to deal with....(am I just TOO SENSITIVE to these constant remarks?) At age 51, I am alone with a big house to maintain and 3 cats. That's it. No money, no job, no nothing. I feel like I merely exist until I no longer exist...I am told I will feel differently at some point-doubt it, as I must remain alone-according to my daughter. There are so many days I just want to pack up my cats and some clothes, etc....and just drive away -assume a new identity and that's that. Again, why him? Why not me?
I would point to you at 2 years and you sound just like me right now. It took me 3 months to have a memorial (he was cremated-his choice as we are leaving the area (3 yrs.?) and we wanted remembrance jewelry) I made 3 videos of picture montages for service-one for GRANDPA, DAD, HUSBAND all set to specific music that he chose. THEN, another 3 months before we went to our first grief support group. Everything seems so much harder than it should be, the internal drive that I used to have is gone, Now everything is measured in terms of 'what's the point?' I don't want to leave my granddaughter, but I think more about being with him. Yet, I even question that b/c maybe he doesn't want me there, maybe he is having too much fun with his dad, I don't feel his presence as he promised me, I wonder if he believes the lies his family spread? After all he was very sick and he brain filled with tumors. After 11/2013, the night of his seizure -he was different-and he passed a little over a month later, a week after his 53rd birthday. Again, his family was livid with me for 'letting him go RIGHT AFTER his birthday' WHAT??? I prayed many times before and many more after to take his place and leave him here. Obviously, many more people are affected by his passing than anyone would be with me...good cop/bad cop I guess. I still pray for that. My life here is no longer a life. it is just here.
I will end this as you did and apologize for the raw, unfiltered feelings that I share in this post. I too, have no outlet-THANK GOD for widow sites- the good ones. I am afraid of some as they feel a bit odd and I get the feeling that the information shared is used by some to take advantage of someone's loss. Also, I will point out that as sad and ripped apart my life is right now; I WOULD NOT EVER hurt myself on purpose. First of all, I don't 'believe' in that and second I could never, ever hurt my granddaughter in that way. She would be so broken--so, please don't worry in that aspect-she is what keeps me here-physically and mentally. I welcome any replies, maybe others who have been in the same place and if they still are or how did they move forward--anything at all is appreciated. Know that you are not alone. I didn't realize just HOW MANY of us there really are out here on our own.

I am so sorry about everything you have been through. I lost my husband of 27 years on may 4th 2014. I am 51 years old and have a 14 yr old daughter and 18 year old son. I feel very alone and scared. I feel the same as you- just existing not living. I know he would want me to be happy but I can't enjoy anything without him. He was my happiness. we fought the brain tumor for 4.5 years and lost everything -though we had insurance-so we didn't even get to enjoy the 4.5 years we had left cuz we just worried about bills. also didn't give the kids, especially my son, the attention they needed in those crucial years of growing up and now I am dealing with kids who were badly parented and are angry and....oh, it doesn't matter. none of it can be fixed now. just don't know how to move on. I know I don't want to stay here where everything makes me sad.
everyone says, "it'll get better" really? how?

I also just lost my husband last month I moss's him so much. He was my life I am lost and lonely. We were together for 40 years. Sometimes I feel like I am going nuts.we were together always.I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening. God bless all of us

Hi I lost my husband 2 weeks ago to lung disease. I am so angry and do not know what to do. I have a hole in my heart and do not know how to fill it. Our 11 years old daughter is keepinge stronger. I am so mad, want to scream loud. I hate every minute of this. I want me to come back to me.

Hi Trinity I lost my husband to Cancer 2 years in Feb 2013. I know this feeling and the hole you are talking about. I am further in the grief journey and just wanted to encourage you to just breathe through the bad days ... They become more bearable somehow. My husband was the love of my life, my best friend and confidant and I feel ripped in two ... I don't want to do this thing called life but I have children too and they are my saving grace.

I lost my husband six months ago and tomorrow would have been 13 year anniversary. He truly was my soul mate and the love of my life. My husband was only 35 years old. He was here one day and gone the next. I still miss him so very much. The question that constantly goes through my head is how can a person keep going with just half a soul? I have learned to take everything one day at a time. I believe that one day will be back together again.

I feel the same way.Believing I Will see my husband again one day helps me to the next day.I lost my husband a little over a year ago at age 49 due to a brain anuerysm and dont know how to move on.

i just recently lost my husband i mss him so much.my soulmate my lover.cant get rid of tis very hurtful feeling i just ask why.

I LOST MY WIFE OF 20 YEARS IN JAN THIS YEAR SHE WAS SURRERING FROM KIDNEY FAILURE FOR PAST 10 YEARS . THE END WAS SO UNEXPECTED THAT I STILL AM UNABLE TO ACCEPT THIS LOSS . WE COULD NOT EVEN SAY GOOD BYE TO EACH OTHER AND THIS HURTS.

Arlis age 45 widowed by my 40 year old beautiful healthy wife10/10/2011.stomache hurt for 2 days so I took her to the hospital .she had an intestine burst . 2 days later she passed away. I know she is in heaven and I'll see her again but It still hurts so bad after 10 months.I feel like I'm going to die it hurts so bad sometimes. But I'm ok God comforts me.we have a 6 year old boy but he seems ok. Like they say "why" but I know God gave everyone a number and we have to answer.

It's taken me two years to reach out to anyone, I'm to prideful to admit that any of this affects me to anyone that knows me. I miss my husband of 5 years so much I don't know what to dosometimes... Either way I have learned life goes on and there are new, strange, confusing, wonderful things that will happen everyday. I take solice in the thought that he watches and guides my daughter and I through our everyday lives in a way only someone that loved and knew you could and for that im thankful. Idk if that helps at all but that's where I'm at right now in this journey... Hope it helps

I lost my husband last February. We thought he just had a reaction to an antibiotic when we went to the ER, up to that point he had been fine with no symptoms. 15 days later he was dead from pancreatic cancer. He was only 61 and we have two little boys who are now 6 and 8. Some days, I don't know how I go on. I cry and scream and throw up. I know we were blessed that he only suffered for such a short time from such a painful disease and that we got to say good-bye. But it doesn't help when I just need him to be here with me. So much of my life was him. Now I just barely get up in the morning. If it weren't for our sweet boys. I don't think I could go on.

Hi I know how you feel I lost my adorable husband in November last year after being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer Nobody knows the torture we have been through trying to make the most of the time we had which got hard we as the symptoms got worse. I live on my own with my border collie I do cry every day but I know that our husbands would want us to be strong and carry on . We have no choice I go back to work soon after six months to try and rebuild my shattered life You are blessed with two lovely boys who will give you lots of strength you are not alone your husband will always be by your side and guide you .I feel that mine is and this is a big comfort to me.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

its been 8months since i lost my husband ,soulmate to lung cancer i class my self as being strong but in the real world am not my daughter has been my life line has my husband did every thing from taxing the car to filling it with petrol iam really trying to cope, but i feel am losing,i spent the last 23 years working with him and shareing ever day and night with him ,life is so still with out him ,he was my brick and am lost,reading what others says makes me feel sad but not alone god bless all

i'm so sorry for everyone that lost their husband/wife. i lost mine Nov. 8, 2011; it feels like the book on my night table called "Fatal Tide". NO worlds can describe how we feel.<br />
it feels like the end of the world. i have nothing to look forward to except feed the handful of farm creatures he had bf he passed. how can I go forward if he was my life?<br />
everytime i think of him i cry. we worked hard to retire to fl and now he is gone.<br />
im sorry this is not words of encouragement.

My husband died 9 months ago.he was mentally ill.he was ill before our marriage.we lived togather 10 years.i loved him alot.Because he was a v caring person.But he met me half an hour ago before his death.then he went out for walk and he had an accident and he died on spot.i miss him alot.he was my life and i can not live without him.i really loved him.after his death i am v lonely.v hard to live alone.no children.he left me alone.i also visit the cemetary every week.i kissed his picture and cloths.i pray for him.inside i lost myself.

i lost mu husband on 5th Jan 2010 and have still not progressed beyond crying everyday. He passed suddently of an aneurysm and we were in a country cottage miles from anywehre. Whenh we did get to the hospital he was already dead (had been since I have heard the funny breathing which I now know was the death rattle). They would not close his eyes or mouth or take the sides of the bed down so I could say goodbye and 2 policemen stood at the end of the bed watching me (sudden death, I could have killed him). I still have vivid flasbacks all the time of his death (am seeking help) but every days finds me crawling around the floor howling to the skies. Ww were together for 30 years but haf originally met in the 60s and since his retirement we were"joined at the hip" i.e. we spend 24 hours a day together and loved every minute. We both told of our love every day. We had no children and my family (sister and 2 niecs) have abandoned me. My sister and I both said things that hurt very soon after my husband's death (I think I was still in shock) and so we now have no contgact. Friends are kind but have their own families and people keeep telling I haveto "move on" (where to I did eveything with him), join a club etc when all want to do is die ansd be with him. I pray is weaiting for me and live for that day. I now exist, I don't live, cannot wait for night when the sleeping pills take me away. I now realise thare are thousands of us out there feeling this feeling of total hopelessness . If you love this deeply, then you suffer this horrible pain.

I too am sooo sorry for everyone's loss. I lost my husband, my soulmate on <br />
May 22, 2012, he would of be 59 on May 24th. We were married for 31 years.<br />
He got kidney cancer in 2004. Had his kidney removed. Then he was back to normal until Nov 2009 when they discovered 2 lung mets. One on each lung. He had thoratic surgery to remove those to tumors. He again was good for about 14 months. In May 2011 they discovered a 2 1/2 inch tumor on his diaphram that appeared in a matter of 5 months from scan to scan. He had surgery to remove this tumor. At the time they were only able to take biopsies as there were many many tumors throughtout his thoratic area and his lungs were sprinkled. So he started on a drug called sutent. This is in no way a cure for this cancer but hopefully to keep it at bad and tumors not grow. From June 2011 to May 2012 he had tried 2 different drugs but the disease took over. A life way to short at a young age of 58. I am grateful I had the 8 wonderful 8 years from the time of his diagnosis and we enjoyed everyday. I take comfort now that he is in no pain. I think I have taken his pain as it is so hard to lose my husband, my best friend, my soulmate. I will find peace through all this somehow......

This is my first post to this forum. I heart goes out to each and every grieving widow. I too lost my husband on 20 years, who died unexpectedly on Nov 15th 2011 from a Pulmonary Embolism. Our 19 year old son and 16 year old daughter were standing right next to me! I screamed NO NO!! as the ambulance came and took him away. On the way to the Hospital my heart felt that he had gone to be with the Lord. He was my soul mate and best friend. I miss him terribly. My faith in God is the strength I lean on to get me through. The promise and hope that we will be together again in heaven, is the reason I get up every day, breathe in and out and go on living. I am not angry at God fro taking Todd at 47, I know he had his reasons.I do feel sad that he will not be around to see our grand daughters grow up, and the two of us growing old together. I am trusting in the Lord with all my heart, and not leaning on my own understanding. My family has been very supportive, but have their own lives to lead. As a Christian, I look back at my 51 years on this earth, and remember past times of heartache and pain where God's loving hand guided me through it. i know he has a plan, I will trust in him and his love will see me through.

Dear Robincarl - I have a strong faith too which is miraculously sustaining me day by day. My husband died of a heart attack a few hours after having a stress test. We were on our way back to see the cardiologist when he just dropped. I had to do CPR on him and he did not make it. I also have a very supportive family but they have their own lives, and mine is incomplete...no one can take his place. It feels like it'll be so long til I see him again and I can hardly stand waiting, but I will. Thanks for sharing your story. Our families try to support us the best they can, but no one can really understand the depth of pain, the inconsolable feeling of loneliness, and the way in which our identity is ******** from us when our life partner is suddenly gone. All relationships are forever changed....but God is faithful to carry us through....He is my daily strength and I lean on His promises.

I was looking for a support group for widows when I came across this page. I lost my husband in April to Cancer, he was 54 years old. I don't know how I feel really, I do know I feel cheated. I find myself angry sometimes, lonely most times and sad. I know that he was put on this earth for a reason and it was his time to go. It's hard for me to talk to someone about my feeling because I want to put on this strong front to everyone. Just typing this helps a little. I know in my heart things will get better as time goes on, but, I want it to hurry up and happen. My condolences to all of you who have suffer this kind of loss because I know from personal experience it is not easy.

I feel for every widow of our age we are not old enough to be with out our love ones and face life on our own

Losing your soul mate is is the most pain one can endure. It just doesn't go away. I lost my husband of 23 years 7 years ago. Thought I would never make it. Read every book I could get my hands on about his spirit being with me. Never thought I would fall in love again but 6 years ago I met a very special man. He showed me life again. Thought this is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. Then xmas week he got sick he died 3 weeks later. I'm devistated losing him. I know god is good trying to keep faith. But feel how can this happen to me twice.......I kiss his picture several times a day. I also visit the cemetary most days. I'm emotionaly empty!

My husband died due to a tragic accident that took his life. Almost 9 months ago. I MISS HIM VERRRRY MUCH!!! We have 3 boys. We were married 26 yrs. and 4 mos. I just turned 46, He was only 46 yrs. of age. EVERYDAY is very hard without him. Everything fell into my lap. He did everything. I'm tired, lonely, feel miserable. I don't want to be here in this life anymore. I know not to take my life, I won't. I'm just waiting for God to come get me. I'm ready to go when he does. To spend eternity with God and my husband, everyone for Eternity!!! I feel like going crazy at times. I miss him so deeply!!! I want to be with my husband, go where he is. I know God has a plan for us, but, right now I don't know what that plan is, and WHY this happened!!! and why it's happening now!!! My heart is broken deeply! I know people that have gone thru this, say it will take time. It sure don't feel like it. Help!!! I'm ready to leave this life. NEVER EVER EVER did I ever think I would be a widow!!!!, at 45. We still had lotsssss of things to do together for many many many years to come!!! I do not like, don't care how old, seeing couples together. Because I don't have that here anymore. Oh please!!! God, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? I hurt everyday. Cry, Miss him so much everyday! And yes, our boys too! What they are going thru everyday too!!! Why!!!!!!!!!!! Why us!!!!!!!! The bible says, Ecclesiastes chap. 9, Death Comes To All. But.........still, why, why Gary!!!! A big part of me also died when I heard the Horrible news! So, now, I read about this whole new world, whole new journey I'm having to take without him! A new identity???? WHAT!!!!! I have no idea what that is!!!!!!!! Time. Time I guess. I have no clue!!!!! I do pray everyday, nothing else you can do, when something this tragic happens. Preparing myself, and pray for our boys, and family, everyone, for that final moment when Jesus comes to get us. Few words of any hope? I do feel sick to my stomach, hurting, mourning, grieving, yes I have gone to grief support meetings. But.............And yes I go to the cemetary alot. I just want to lay there and never get up! I'm ready. God Bless Everyone.

I lost my husband sudddenly eight years ago. My first love who I had only been reunited with four years previous after twenty seven years of being apart. We were so happy and thought we would have many years together. He was only 52 years of age. And hemoraged internally. I still miss him and think of him often. But it does get easier. And although I thought I would never remarry I did just over five years ago now. And I believe you should cherish every moment you have with those you love however long that may be. I know I do. My present husband was a little jealous of the one who died at first because of our deep love for each other. But now he says he is now glad that I had someone who loved me as much as he did and I did him in my lfe before him. Best wishes Maria.

My neighbor sent me this site and your letter was the first I read. It tore me up to read it. Today is exactly one month since my 59 yr old husband died. My pain and desperation is palpable; the crying never stops. I bathe once a week, eat once a day and now with the darkness that winter brings, my nights are intermenable. I know exactly how you feel and my heart goes out to you. When will this pain end? For me, there is not enough years in my life to ever get over him, to ever come to peace over this. I have two boys and one I cannot reack and the other clings to me because he was with me when my husband drew his last breath. My other boy has no closure. I would give anything to ease his pain, but he won't let me.<br />
We left on a cruise Sept 29th from NYC and the following day my husband was stricken and in 12 hours he was dead. We had to endure that cruise for 8 more days as we could not leave him, nore did I have the money to remove him at first port and fly him home. Torture does not begin to describe the pain of those days sequestered in my room, never venturing out even to eat. After 5 days my mind drifted over to a dark zone that I had never experienced, but through that I could see that I was scaring my son (24yr) and still, couldn't break out of my torment.<br />
Now, my visions are always a repeat of those days, over and over, every word my husband said to me when I went to the infirmary, my son sobbing in my arms, the nurses and doctor doing nothing to get my husband off that ship.<br />
He LOVED cruises and I took him every chance I could. No reckless spending, dinners out or movies, just saving for the best cruise deal I could find for him. We have another one booked for Mar2010 and I won't get my money back so I'm giving it away. I could never step on a cruise ship without my beloved again. Feel free to talk to me if you like.

my husband of 22 years died 3 months ago and miss him so! he took his life . and i found him it was hell ! will the pain ever go away!

I have read all the comments in this thread and I sit here with tears in my eyes. I lost my husband, best friend and soul mate on Sept 15th 2009. I came home for lunch and found him gone. I too have a hole in my heart, I'm lost, lonely, don't believe he is gone and don't understand why. He wasn't sick, he just went downstairs and died. I miss him so much. The smallest thing makes me cry. Everyone says it will get better, but it seems to be getting worse. I don't know how I'm going to gone on without him.

I lost my husband of 12 years on Oct 8th 2009. It was unexpected. He was out of town working, and had a heart attack before he went to bed, after we said our goodnights, alone, in his hotel room. i'm lost, scared, sad, and mad... I know the pain will "lessen" but i feel so empty w/o him. I miss him.