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Just Us Two

I am a widow.  Every day I wake up and have to remember that.  After 22 years of marriage my husband's prediction, "I will not live past 60," is so insanely true.

How did he know? Admittedly, he had been deathly ill.  In July he had a stroke and another the next day after he had been admitted. The doctors and I fought for his life every day in the ICU.  He was comatose for two solid months, intubated, then trached, a nasogastric tube, then a stomach tube, pneumonia, and ARDS...then the bilateral pulmonary emboli and a serious nearly fatal alveolar bleed -- when he seemed to rally and got better the VA Doctors and me--we all chalked up our wonderful victory. I thanked God every day for answering my prayers.

I signed every release the doctors asked for, I hit my knees in so many prayers that I had the hospital staff and nurses praying with me.

He entered the hospital on July 21, 2008 and was released November 10th.  We went home and commenced trying to build our life again.  November passed and December came, the weather got cold and gloomy and we put the flannel sheets on the bed together.  We traveled around and visited our friends and when he went to the VA for a check up we stopped in the ICU so they could say hello and again we all congratulated ourselves.  I took his picture on morning of December 19th as he visited with his friend Bill and he smiled so sweetly....On the evening of December 20th we went to bed, fed, medicated and happy with each other. His snoring was just as usual, keeping me awake as it was so loud.

Sometime during the early morning hours he stopped snoring--aha, I thought, now I can get some sleep...At a quarter to seven I got up like I always do and went to the bathroom.  When I came back I sat on the bed and reached over to wake him. He was dead.

The doctors in the ER and the coroner's report stated he had a massive coronary.  They comforted me to the best of their ability stating that he hadn't suffered at all and that many people wish to die in the way that he had.  He died before he passed the age of 60 and he went quietly in his sleep.

I don't feel numb.  I feel pain; a knot in my chest.  Sometimes it resolves for a while after I cry but it just builds up again and I am in constant pain. Every day I wake up and I am so sad and lonely.  I asked God, what was it all for?  What did I learn?

Why, why, why!? When we loved each other so, and had great times just being together, just the two of us...why did he have to go?

Then I pull myself up and I get dressed, even if I don't want to--I do it anyway.  I eat and drink even if I don't want to, I talk to people when they talk to me and I do all the things I need to get done--even if I don't know why I bother.  Even if I don't know what it was all for...

champ68193 champ68193 51-55 40 Responses Jan 12, 2009

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I feel like I could have written your story! My husband died Dec 4 - a veteran , after years of ICU trips, hospitalizations and fighting a huge battle-cancer that lead to kidney disease. He had frequently said, I won't live past 65,,,,he died two weeks after his birthday. I knew he would die early due to the illness. But at the time things were going good relatively speaking . I have over and over asked God to tell me ,"what lesson are you trying to teach me in all this?" I feel adrift, unanchored . He was my anchor. We were married 34 years. Today is Dec 23rd and it is our 34th anniversary.
I think I understand some of your feelings....

im so sorry to hear about your husband. i know its a struggle to loose your husband i also have lost my husband 2 years ago i lost him to a fatal accident he was going to work it was early morning 4 am he was about 2 blocks away from my house. me and my husband would call each other every morning cause i would go out to work at 5 i tried calling his phone and got no answer. i thought maby he is listening to the radio loud and dont hear his phone so when i got to work i tryed again still no answer i was getting worried so i called his work they said he hasent went in i got scared i knew something was up. so i called the police station they said there computers were down to call back in 10 minutes. then i saw a policeman walk into my work i went up to him and asked him if he would know anything about my husband if he can find out anything for me he looked at me and asked for my husbands name i gave it to him then he asked me what my name was then he said to follow him we went to a back office at work then him and a nother man was there and they told me my husband was in a fatal accident and he passed away i couldnt beleive what i just hurd it tore my heart apart i had to go home and tell my 6 children that they no longer have a father i didnt know how i was going to do that i cryed all the way home when i got home the kids were all awake waiting for me and i had to tell them we all broke down and cryed. they will no longer have a father and i no longer a husband i was married for 28 years my husband allways would find dimes and pick them up and say that it was a sign that he was going to die in 2010 i wouldnt beleive him he would actually hug me and cry and say god was taking him away. well he died on april 14th 2010 i miss him so much it has beeen such a strugle and i got mad at god and said why why so many times i say it is unfair i loved him so much we had so many kids together why did he get taken away and break so many hearts.

im so sorry to hear about your husband. i know its a struggle to loose your husband i also have lost my husband 2 years ago i lost him to a fatal accident he was going to work it was early morning 4 am he was about 2 blocks away from my house. me and my husband would call each other every morning cause i would go out to work at 5 i tried calling his phone and got no answer. i thought maby he is listening to the radio loud and dont hear his phone so when i got to work i tryed again still no answer i was getting worried so i called his work they said he hasent went in i got scared i knew something was up. so i called the police station they said there computers were down to call back in 10 minutes. then i saw a policeman walk into my work i went up to him and asked him if he would know anything about my husband if he can find out anything for me he looked at me and asked for my husbands name i gave it to him then he asked me what my name was then he said to follow him we went to a back office at work then him and a nother man was there and they told me my husband was in a fatal accident and he passed away i couldnt beleive what i just hurd it tore my heart apart i had to go home and tell my 6 children that they no longer have a father i didnt know how i was going to do that i cryed all the way home when i got home the kids were all awake waiting for me and i had to tell them we all broke down and cryed. they will no longer have a father and i no longer a husband i was married for 28 years my husband allways would find dimes and pick them up and say that it was a sign that he was going to die in 2010 i wouldnt beleive him he would actually hug me and cry and say god was taking him away. well he died on april 14th 2010 i miss him so much it has beeen such a strugle and i got mad at god and said why why so many times i say it is unfair i loved him so much we had so many kids together why did he get taken away and break so many hearts.

im so sorry to hear about your husband. i know its a struggle to loose your husband i also have lost my husband 2 years ago i lost him to a fatal accident he was going to work it was early morning 4 am he was about 2 blocks away from my house. me and my husband would call each other every morning cause i would go out to work at 5 i tried calling his phone and got no answer. i thought maby he is listening to the radio loud and dont hear his phone so when i got to work i tryed again still no answer i was getting worried so i called his work they said he hasent went in i got scared i knew something was up. so i called the police station they said there computers were down to call back in 10 minutes. then i saw a policeman walk into my work i went up to him and asked him if he would know anything about my husband if he can find out anything for me he looked at me and asked for my husbands name i gave it to him then he asked me what my name was then he said to follow him we went to a back office at work then him and a nother man was there and they told me my husband was in a fatal accident and he passed away i couldnt beleive what i just hurd it tore my heart apart i had to go home and tell my 6 children that they no longer have a father i didnt know how i was going to do that i cryed all the way home when i got home the kids were all awake waiting for me and i had to tell them we all broke down and cryed. they will no longer have a father and i no longer a husband i was married for 28 years my husband allways would find dimes and pick them up and say that it was a sign that he was going to die in 2010 i wouldnt beleive him he would actually hug me and cry and say god was taking him away. well he died on april 14th 2010 i miss him so much it has beeen such a strugle and i got mad at god and said why why so many times i say it is unfair i loved him so much we had so many kids together why did he get taken away and break so many hearts.

This made me hurt. Literally sick to my stomach. My dad passed a year ago and there are many similarities on how/why. I ache for you the same way I ache for my mom. I wish there was some sort of cure for you, for all of us. All I know to do is to create new memories with people still here. Baby steps. And reflect everyday what he would've found funny, stupid, silly. When you can think of him the way he would want to be thought of, then you're doing right by him and you'll start becoming happier.

I quit asking why. There is no answer. I know you don't need to hear another sorry. What good is sorry? Even if there were an answer, it doesn't change the cold hard fact "he's gone." I still talk to him and still halfway expect to hear him but I know better. Not gonna happen. Stop torturing yourself with questions. I've come to accept it now. I'll never get over it.

i too lost my husband due to suicide.<br />
the pain is not bearable and i am thinking of going with him.. no one can replace him.. it's so hard to go one everyday knowing his no longer here beside me and for our 3 year old daughter. my world stop after he passed away..

I lost my husband in 2008, he was 44. It was a long illness, he had dialated cardiomyopathy (forgive my spelling) in english thats an enlarged heart. He caught a virus which attacked his heart and damaged it beyond repair. He fought on for five years, at the end he asked me to help him die - i couldn't of course and i felt a huge let down for not being strong enough to help him. He died in the critical care unit of our local hospital having asked not to be ressusatated - they asked me if they could 'remove assistance' ... which ment switch off his life support ... and still i was not strong enough to help him - he suffered to the bitter end because i was weak. I felt relief when he finally died, relief that he was no longer suffering. Having three children helped me through, I had to be strong for them and concentrated on helping them through - i missed him terribly and never thought id be happy ever again. I smiled and put on a brave face, i paid the bills, i worked hard and before i knew it four years had passed. We still hold a birthday party for him every year but we do not 'remember' his death day - he was a very possitive, active man and the greatest honour we can do his memory is to make a success of our lives - I tell my children this every day and i always tell them he is proud of them..

Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I wish you the best..

Thank you for sharing your story. How lucky to have had the chance to have a little more time together in the end. Life seems so much more precious when we are close to death and you had some precious time together before he passed. Hugs to you and wishes for your peace and happiness in the future.

i am so sorry for your loss. This is a constant dreaded nightmare that I have. It's not fair that you have to live without him. Take comfort in the fact that he is at peace and that you will see him again one day.<br />
<br />
All the best.

I lost two husbands to cancer. I know about the loss. Have tried to date and go on but it is very hard. You feel like you in the middle of a ocean in a row boat trying to fight a big storm. Miss them and can't seem to find anyone to share the rest of my life with...Guess I am just to old or wnat too much out of life..

i am so sorry for your loss. i also lost my husband two years ago. he wasn.t ill. he had a massive heart attack. i miss him terribly. i also ask God why? I also eat, drink, get dressed, and live each day. thank you for your story

i am so so sorry. these stories from you all make me feel so sad. actually i dont know waht to say now.. i lost my grandpa in 2009, lung cancer but then it spread to other organs. and i have cancer to. chemos and radiations apparently affected my kidneys and i just knew it lately... i dont wanna die because of this disease, but if i had to die because of it, i really hope there will be some people who would miss me.... lucky your husband is...

I feel sad for all those who lost a love one.<br />
I'm reading a lot about the Doctors so I'm making my true story about how a doctor left me for dead 8 year ago.<br />
It a reason why I'm still alive so that why I must write about this horrible incident.

I am 49 years old and not used to saying it , but I am a widow. 4 weeks ago tonight I walked iin and found my 44 year old hubby, his feet still tucked into the covers and his upper body was laying on the floor, somehow a ppillow was under his face, but it happened so fast I kinda think his face was iin the pillow, when I turned him over, OMG I grabed the phone diall 911 and was on my front dedk screaming is horror, they could hear me to thte end of the block. When I left that morning for work, I noticed his breathing was different, it was louder and shorter, so I shook him and woke him, he acknowledged me so i took off and went to wrk. Usually we talk during the day , but work has been so stressful, I go to work and come home and go to bed. The coeoner siad he had a heart condition, but I do not believe that is what killed him, a few months ago he was not feeling well so I started making him docotr appts. , his bllod pressure was like 220/140, a walkiing heart attak, so they started him on all htese new meds, when the coroner took him I gave them 5 RX that were new to him. I just need to know if I would have stayed home that day , could I have saved him or was God already in the process of taking him from me. I miss him so bad I cannot move on, I have not been back to work yet and I cry all the time, GOD I MISS HIM. Also when I found him they let me ley un top of him so I could kiss him and try and keep him warm, I wanted him to come back to life. He was such a strong , healthy (before all this) loved sprts, loved to make people laugh. I know he was up late that night on facebook becasue his ex sisterlaw told me she was talking to him. The death certificate shows "pending investigation". I am so affraid that when they call me it will take me backwards to that night to my grieving to start all over again. Now that he is gone they are trying to take my bar, it was in his name and the house in my name, plus leaving this word costs so much more then coming into it. I really do not know how to move on, there are so many people thing I should be able to move on.......NOT...I do not feel like I will ever smile again, I cannot even go into the store we shopped in without having a major panick attack. I am so sorry for your loss, this year would have been our 10 anniversary, he was just a baby....plus I did not get to tell him how much I loved him, work was takiing it all out of me and I was cranky when I got home at night, GOD I wish I could take that all back....I would give anything and I mean ANYTHING for " One More Day".

I too lost my husband,lover,friend,all rolled up into one man. I got angry with my LORD,and ask him why,when ther was so many bad people in the world? I got no answer for many long sleepless nights and being very distraught at my LORD and saviour. A most valuable lesson came from all this. I ran a courier route, and two years later I was speeding down 95 and a still small voice came into my head. This was my messge!! I did you a favor he could have lay suffering for a long time.but I took him away from all that,to help not only him, but you and family too. I think when you go thru a losing process it is imperative that you grieve. without going thru this process, we would not know how to comfort other people, you have to have an experience in order to truly understand! we have a wonderful saviour in Jesus Christ! he too knows how we feel because he chose an earthly body. that may be the reason he is slow to anger when we are angry with him,surely a man that would cry for his friend Lazurus knows our pain.GOD bless you ,and help you learn to stand again. you will be in my prayers

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have never been through that kind of pain and I can't fathom what it must feel like. Best of luck and great wishes,<br />
<br />
Andreya =)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have never been through that kind of pain and I can't fathom what it must feel like. Best of luck and great wishes,<br />
<br />
Andreya =)

i feel and share your pain. my husband of 22 years died in his sleep due to medical malpractice. i can't forgive the doctor for what he did. it was so avoidable. my 3 sons are without a father and i am destined to live the rest of my life alone. i am only 45 he was 49. he was the most wonderful man to ever walk this earth, just as wonderful as your husbands!!. i dream about him every night and even though 4 months on i am able to function better the pain and loss is getting deeper now that the shock and numbness as passed. there are no words to make things better except that to remember you are not alone and i am here if you need to talk. the boys are shutting themselves off from their loss so i just have to be patient. shelleyl

i am so sorry for the loss.

As I read all of you comments, they all sound exactly the way I feel. My precious Husband of 36 years was deliberately killed by the doctor who was suppose to save his life. My world ended on November 24, 2004. I feel like 99.99999% of me left with my Husband and the very small piece of me is still here trying to function and wondering why.<br />
<br />
I really wish I had answers for everyone, but the only suggestion I might be able to make is for everyone to read "Never Say Goodbye" by Patrick Mathews. It spoke to my soul in several places and I hope it will to yours as well.<br />
<br />
God Bless Everyone,<br />
<br />
Linda

I lost my husband 4/30/09. He died of mostly heart problems, but affected his liver and kidneys. We never had any clue he was this sick. He had atrial fibrillation 11 years ago, but it was under control, and his cardiologist always said he was ok. Apparently he was not. Over time, his heart condition did not allow enough oxygen to get to his organs. I hold both his family practice dr responsible, and the cardiologist. They should have noticed certain things, according to other doctors I have talked to. But no one will snitch on the other. I guess they can't be God, altho they want to be treated like that. My husband fortunately never was in pain, only was always tired, symptoms which mimicked other things, like thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, etc. Liver readings went unnoticed. His cardiologist never did extensive testing until it was too late. We just never knew he was so sick. We had 6 months of drs appts., 3 weeks of hospitalization and 1 day we knew he was going to die. Compared to some people, we were lucky. No months of agonizing of impending death, no pain. But I miss him so much sometimes I can't stand it. It seems like it isn't possible. We were married for 20 yrs, together for 10 before that. I had him with me over half my life. People say I was lucky to have had someone who loved me like that, but it makes it all that much harder to lose them. My family has been some support, but they don't understand when I yell or get mad easily. I know this doesn't give me a license to treat people badly, but NO ONE knows the pain unless they go through it. I go to 2 support groups and it helps to be with people who do know, if you don't belong to one, you should find one. It does help to know you aren't alone. Don't let other people make you feel bad because you hurt. Do what you have to do to make it through the day. I have even told people to not say to someone I will call or check on you if they don't mean it. Life goes on for everyone but me. I am angry at God for taking him, and its hard to be grateful for the way he went when you wonder why it had to be him anyway?? I wish I had blind faith, I don't. Sometimes I think if I didn't have my 2 dogs I would just be done with it all. No one would miss me that much. If I knew for sure I would be with him, I would do it. At least this pain would be gone.

I am recently widow after 14 years. It hurts to wake up every morning knowing that the one I love will not be there. No more rushing home from work just to be with him. the pain is so unbearable. I do not understand why but I do not question God for his reasons are his. My Husband had lung cancec in Nov 08 he battled it and won, but May of 09 he had liver cancer he fought a hard battle but it got the best of him. We fought a long battle in the end he was tired and gave up. I can not understand why, I just know he was only 48 years old. I hope as some of you say it gets easier. For now I just try to make it day by day.

That is terrible,I know just how you feel, Last september I lost my husband of twenty years to hurricane Ike. Your story has made me think about how much time I have left, I am 40, but what scares me is I have three little girls to take care of. Times really are tough around the hollidays for all of us. You are in our prayers, hang in there, LOST AT SEA 99

I am so sorry to hear your story....My beautiful husband died nearly 4 years ago...after a very quick battle with Melanoma...I nursed him for 4 months as well as looking after my 3 children...9, 2 and 9months at the time..He didnt want to die in hospital and I fought with the doctor to keep him at home as long as possible...He went to hospital to get his medication stabilized on a Monday afternoon, and died the next day...in hospital..I had just left him after a chat with his doctor about not moving him home, so had gone home to get his pillows , a few photos etc to make his hospital room as comfy as possible...So after nursing him for 4 months , was totally devastated that I wasnt there holding his hand when he passed...There is no good way to die...it doesnt matter how it happens or how old you are...it affects someone badly....Anyway, wishing you kind thought :)

it's sad but it's true, my grandmother lost my grandfather and she stayed sad for a long time then when she just got better from this, my uncle who was living with us died too.. and now she lost weight and is a little bit sad because she doesnt want to get up from the couch. I know it's too sad lost a child or anyone that you love, but you have another people in life and need to move on and stay with these people...<br />
for example my grandma needs to get better because my mother is hurting too and I can say that I'm hurting it too because I love both of them they're all I have and need in my family.

at least you were loved by someone,but we there are some people who are spending their life without even knowing what love really means.so thank god.

I am so very sorry, I have never lost a spouse. Actually I lone to have a spouse and Im 45yrs old. My husband left me for another women cuz I got ill and he didnt want to be with anyone ill. I was left totally alone to deal with life's inflictions and no man wants a relationship with someone ill. <br />
<br />
In September 2008, my grandmother passed away, I watched her take her last breath, I could never describe it, but she was so at peace, I was confused about if there really was a heaven, but after watching her I have no doubt there is and I one day plan on being there. On Holloween 2008 my father had a heart attack, died on the table, but luckily was revived. On Thanksgiving 2008 a friend of 20yrs passed away, and on the night of my birthday December 19, 2008 another friend of 20yrs passed away. I receintly got dumped cuz a man feel in love with me, but his wife had passed away 2yrs earlier. He just couldnt feel for anyone, as he couldnt move with his life. Like you he forced himself to get dressed, go to work, take care of his son, but deep down he hurt. He feels so alone, that he wants another spouse, but his emotions for his wife just wont let him. Everything they had in their name is still there, even his checks.<br />
<br />
I know God doesnt always make sense, but there is a reason for everything despite how hard it may be for us. Clearly your spouse was wanted upstairs to complete something God wanted him to do. We cry for ourself, our loneliness, our pain our anger for being left behind. He/She is in a better place and its what we have to accept, until one day the two of you can be together again. Until then you must somehow find the strength to move on with your life.<br />
<br />
I wish I could say more to help your pain, but I cant. All I can say is how deeply I am sorry for the pain you must go through and hope thru time you can start living again. God has a plan for everyone. It was your love one's time to be with God.

Hello Everyone,<br />
<br />
I just want you all to know that my heart goes out to all of you. <br />
<br />
The doctor who was suppose to save my husband's life, killed him, by draining his lung too fast, knowing full well that it would take his life.<br />
<br />
We were married for 34 wonderful, magical years and together for 36 beautiful and amazing years. He is my life, my support, my comfort, my lover, my companion, my very best and closest friend, my calm, my compassion, my passion, my confidant, my care taker, my entire life and everything that makes it a life.<br />
<br />
I've never been angry with God, because I truly do not believe that God takes people. I believe that circumstances take people and God is there to hold them and help them, when circumstances go wrong.<br />
<br />
I do wonder about a million other things that happened to my husband and I through the 1 year that he was ill and I wish, hope and pray that someday my husband and I will be able to talk about all of it, very soon.<br />
<br />
People and friends say:<br />
<br />
1. He wouldn't want you to be like this, he would want to see you happy. I want to say...........HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE WANTS??????????<br />
<br />
2. Time heals all wounds. I want to say..........No it doesn't. They just get deeper and you need them more every second.<br />
<br />
3. You have to be here for your girls. I say..........Our girls are both over 30 years old and really don't need me any longer. I don't even feel like I belong with them when we go to dinner or get together. <br />
<br />
4. Maybe you should find someone else. I say.........I don't want anyone else. I only want my husband back, any way I can have him.<br />
<br />
5. You still have your life to lead. I say..........What life. He was my entire life. <br />
<br />
I don't know who I am, or what I'm suppose to be doing or not doing. I don't know where I belong, besides in his arms. We did EVERYTHING together. In 36 years, the ONLY time we were apart was when his job took him away for 3 days. He is my entire life.<br />
<br />
I look forward to everyone's comments.<br />
<br />
Hugs & Blessings To All,<br />
LKRK