How did he know? Admittedly, he had been deathly ill. In July he had a stroke and another the next day after he had been admitted. The doctors and I fought for his life every day in the ICU. He was comatose for two solid months, intubated, then trached, a nasogastric tube, then a stomach tube, pneumonia, and ARDS...then the bilateral pulmonary emboli and a serious nearly fatal alveolar bleed -- when he seemed to rally and got better the VA Doctors and me--we all chalked up our wonderful victory. I thanked God every day for answering my prayers.
I signed every release the doctors asked for, I hit my knees in so many prayers that I had the hospital staff and nurses praying with me.
He entered the hospital on July 21, 2008 and was released November 10th. We went home and commenced trying to build our life again. November passed and December came, the weather got cold and gloomy and we put the flannel sheets on the bed together. We traveled around and visited our friends and when he went to the VA for a check up we stopped in the ICU so they could say hello and again we all congratulated ourselves. I took his picture on morning of December 19th as he visited with his friend Bill and he smiled so sweetly....On the evening of December 20th we went to bed, fed, medicated and happy with each other. His snoring was just as usual, keeping me awake as it was so loud.
Sometime during the early morning hours he stopped snoring--aha, I thought, now I can get some sleep...At a quarter to seven I got up like I always do and went to the bathroom. When I came back I sat on the bed and reached over to wake him. He was dead.
The doctors in the ER and the coroner's report stated he had a massive coronary. They comforted me to the best of their ability stating that he hadn't suffered at all and that many people wish to die in the way that he had. He died before he passed the age of 60 and he went quietly in his sleep.
I don't feel numb. I feel pain; a knot in my chest. Sometimes it resolves for a while after I cry but it just builds up again and I am in constant pain. Every day I wake up and I am so sad and lonely. I asked God, what was it all for? What did I learn?
Why, why, why!? When we loved each other so, and had great times just being together, just the two of us...why did he have to go?
Then I pull myself up and I get dressed, even if I don't want to--I do it anyway. I eat and drink even if I don't want to, I talk to people when they talk to me and I do all the things I need to get done--even if I don't know why I bother. Even if I don't know what it was all for...
Get your questions answered!
Have a secret that is burning you up?
Posted by tearstained2 on Jan 12th, 2009 at 11:40PM
I am so, so sorry. I lost my hubby/best friend on July 26, 2008. He was sick the night before he died, we went to the hospital and they said he was fine. We had spent the day before doing our usual thing and enjoying each others company and even spent most of the night enjoying the stars together. He fell asleep saying if he doesn't feel better by morning we will go somewhere else. Even if he was sick he we kissed goodnight and he would tell me he loved me and I was his angel. He woke up one time in the night and I raised up to see about him, he said he was okay just some pain and go back to sleep. I heard him snoring and thought he was okay, surely he would tell me if he wasn't okay. The dr's said he had an infection. I got up the next morning to wake him as I usally do with a kiss and make his breakfast. He was dead. I was also told that it was the best way to go, but it doesn't do anything for me. I am the one alive and left to go through the motions everyday just like you and hate every step and breath I breathe without him. I also believe in prayer and healing and I question it everyday. Your not alone.
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Posted by champ68193 on Jan 13th, 2009 at 1:04AM
Oh sweetie--here's another hug for (((you)))! Thank you for the fellow-feeling. It is very hard to wake up and find your friend, your love, your life is gone! I still treasure all of his things and hug his pillow at night. I wear his wristwatch and his hat is lying in the back seat right where I can see it in the rear view mirror, just as though he is there in the car with me... They say time will heal our pain...so I pray now for that comfort to come. I know God hears us and he will lend his strength when we need him. And--although my heart knows he is in a better place, my eyes still fill up with tears because he isn't here with me. Even Jesus cried!
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Posted by rockybear397 on Jan 13th, 2009 at 3:59AM
I am so sorry for your loss
I ti tear at my heart
I have lost many people in my life not like
what you have went through
I lost a daughter Rachel
and a son Joey it is so hard
You don't want to go on you miss them desperately .
But you have to go on
I know one thing sometimes
I asked why???
it haunted me
but I still don't understand why
maybe we never will
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Posted by Alonex2 on Jan 13th, 2009 at 6:11AM
I feel so sad after reading these because we all have so much in common that they bring back many memories.
I know the feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning unfortunatly, unlike all of you, sometimes I don't because at when I,m asleep I don't have to think about the lonliness, but I wish to thank you all for sharing your experiences as you have helped me to see that I must wake up and try to move forward as much as possible.
My heart cries for all of us but I am so grateful that we have all found our way to this site....and we are no longer alone. God bless you all.
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Posted by inhisstead on Jan 17th, 2009 at 10:57PM
Hi: I cry as I read everyone's stories. I understand your pain and sorrow. It is unbearable at times. I just posted my loss who was to be my husband, so I feel like a widow. A 2nd chance at a new life together after a horrible 1st marriage. After 2 yrs and 8 months battling brain tumors he died on Christmas Eve. He went on to eternal peace but it is very hard for us that are left behind and struggle to even get out of bed in the morning and try to function. I got a call today from a woman from the grief support group I am going to. She had her husband die tragically in a motorcycle accident in September 08. She said she didn't know if it was harder to go through a long illness with someone or to have to lose them suddenly. I told her I don't think it really matters. It's extremely painful either way. I am hanging on to God every minute of the day. My prayers are with you.
Carrie
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Posted by Listlessmind on Feb 24th, 2009 at 9:00PM
My heart aches for all of you who has lost their spouse. Your story rocked me to the core. I will send some healing energy your way and hope you know you are supported. My husband and I are still young in our marriage, but your story reminds me to love each day to the fullest. I hope you are able to find peace in the near future. God Bless.
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Posted by sabrinaastro on Mar 29th, 2009 at 12:41PM
omg everything here is so sad. I am very sympathetic with you all though i have not lost any one so tragically.
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Posted by evolet on Apr 2nd, 2009 at 5:24AM
i..am really sorry..i do understand your pain though....it's like there's nothing to live for and everyday is just anyday without that people by your side. yes, i do agree that you are definately not alone. i personally think God is sometimes pretty unfair but we have to learn to let go one day. you are not alone. live up your life. start a new day. a new journey! live your life to the very fullest! and im very sure he would be so proud of you! love
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Posted by LisaCRich on Apr 8th, 2009 at 6:36PM
I too am soo depressed, I lost my soul mate my best friend, my husband, he was my world, I am trying so hard to just keep going on but it hurts soo bad, i try to do the normal for my kids, but it is such a struggle for me, i too am so upset with god, i tried so hard to keep the faith but i am losing this battle, i feel like life has no meaning, i want some relief so bad, i miss him 25 years together, i am 47 he was 46, he had no systoms but 2 a drooped mouth and hiccups, and in 25 days he was dead, everyone said it was good he didnt suffer, but i don't understand why he was sick at all, I love him so much and miss him so bad it hurts i would love to talk to anyone that has any advice of getting threw this auxmg33@aol.com (Lisa)
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Posted by grannym on Apr 9th, 2009 at 5:43PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband of 26 years died last Aug. 24th. Did not know he was sick. A blood clot went to his heart causing him to die in a matter of min. Didn't get to tell goodby, love u or anything else. I can't say it gets eaiser, but the days do pass and life goes on. If you ever need to talk I'm here.
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Posted by cuzzinvinnie on Apr 9th, 2009 at 11:07PM
my heart hurts bad for you. I just lost my mother to cancer. i dont know what I would do if I lost my wife or what she would do if I die. I dont believe in god anymore. I wish you and everyone who needs it a vibe from me to you that you feel better even for a minute.
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Posted by LKRK on Apr 10th, 2009 at 4:14PM
Hello Everyone,
I just want you all to know that my heart goes out to all of you.
The doctor who was suppose to save my husband's life, killed him, by draining his lung too fast, knowing full well that it would take his life.
We were married for 34 wonderful, magical years and together for 36 beautiful and amazing years. He is my life, my support, my comfort, my lover, my companion, my very best and closest friend, my calm, my compassion, my passion, my confidant, my care taker, my entire life and everything that makes it a life.
I've never been angry with God, because I truly do not believe that God takes people. I believe that circumstances take people and God is there to hold them and help them, when circumstances go wrong.
I do wonder about a million other things that happened to my husband and I through the 1 year that he was ill and I wish, hope and pray that someday my husband and I will be able to talk about all of it, very soon.
People and friends say:
1. He wouldn't want you to be like this, he would want to see you happy. I want to say...........HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE WANTS??????????
2. Time heals all wounds. I want to say..........No it doesn't. They just get deeper and you need them more every second.
3. You have to be here for your girls. I say..........Our girls are both over 30 years old and really don't need me any longer. I don't even feel like I belong with them when we go to dinner or get together.
4. Maybe you should find someone else. I say.........I don't want anyone else. I only want my husband back, any way I can have him.
5. You still have your life to lead. I say..........What life. He was my entire life.
I don't know who I am, or what I'm suppose to be doing or not doing. I don't know where I belong, besides in his arms. We did EVERYTHING together. In 36 years, the ONLY time we were apart was when his job took him away for 3 days. He is my entire life.
I look forward to everyone's comments.
Hugs & Blessings To All,
LKRK
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Posted by MyDream on May 26th, 2009 at 3:20AM
I am so very sorry, I have never lost a spouse. Actually I lone to have a spouse and Im 45yrs old. My husband left me for another women cuz I got ill and he didnt want to be with anyone ill. I was left totally alone to deal with life's inflictions and no man wants a relationship with someone ill.
In September 2008, my grandmother passed away, I watched her take her last breath, I could never describe it, but she was so at peace, I was confused about if there really was a heaven, but after watching her I have no doubt there is and I one day plan on being there. On Holloween 2008 my father had a heart attack, died on the table, but luckily was revived. On Thanksgiving 2008 a friend of 20yrs passed away, and on the night of my birthday December 19, 2008 another friend of 20yrs passed away. I receintly got dumped cuz a man feel in love with me, but his wife had passed away 2yrs earlier. He just couldnt feel for anyone, as he couldnt move with his life. Like you he forced himself to get dressed, go to work, take care of his son, but deep down he hurt. He feels so alone, that he wants another spouse, but his emotions for his wife just wont let him. Everything they had in their name is still there, even his checks.
I know God doesnt always make sense, but there is a reason for everything despite how hard it may be for us. Clearly your spouse was wanted upstairs to complete something God wanted him to do. We cry for ourself, our loneliness, our pain our anger for being left behind. He/She is in a better place and its what we have to accept, until one day the two of you can be together again. Until then you must somehow find the strength to move on with your life.
I wish I could say more to help your pain, but I cant. All I can say is how deeply I am sorry for the pain you must go through and hope thru time you can start living again. God has a plan for everyone. It was your love one's time to be with God.
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Posted by naziban on Jun 6th, 2009 at 9:20PM
at least you were loved by someone,but we there are some people who are spending their life without even knowing what love really means.so thank god.
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Posted by Demol on Aug 9th, 2009 at 5:39PM
it's sad but it's true, my grandmother lost my grandfather and she stayed sad for a long time then when she just got better from this, my uncle who was living with us died too.. and now she lost weight and is a little bit sad because she doesnt want to get up from the couch. I know it's too sad lost a child or anyone that you love, but you have another people in life and need to move on and stay with these people...
for example my grandma needs to get better because my mother is hurting too and I can say that I'm hurting it too because I love both of them they're all I have and need in my family.
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Posted by KJ07 on Sep 18th, 2009 at 1:38AM
I am so sorry to hear your story....My beautiful husband died nearly 4 years ago...after a very quick battle with Melanoma...I nursed him for 4 months as well as looking after my 3 children...9, 2 and 9months at the time..He didnt want to die in hospital and I fought with the doctor to keep him at home as long as possible...He went to hospital to get his medication stabilized on a Monday afternoon, and died the next day...in hospital..I had just left him after a chat with his doctor about not moving him home, so had gone home to get his pillows , a few photos etc to make his hospital room as comfy as possible...So after nursing him for 4 months , was totally devastated that I wasnt there holding his hand when he passed...There is no good way to die...it doesnt matter how it happens or how old you are...it affects someone badly....Anyway, wishing you kind thought :)
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Posted by lostatsea99 on Nov 27th, 2009 at 9:46AM
That is terrible,I know just how you feel, Last september I lost my husband of twenty years to hurricane Ike. Your story has made me think about how much time I have left, I am 40, but what scares me is I have three little girls to take care of. Times really are tough around the hollidays for all of us. You are in our prayers, hang in there, LOST AT SEA 99
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Posted by nylady5000 on Dec 3rd, 2009 at 7:09PM
I am recently widow after 14 years. It hurts to wake up every morning knowing that the one I love will not be there. No more rushing home from work just to be with him. the pain is so unbearable. I do not understand why but I do not question God for his reasons are his. My Husband had lung cancec in Nov 08 he battled it and won, but May of 09 he had liver cancer he fought a hard battle but it got the best of him. We fought a long battle in the end he was tired and gave up. I can not understand why, I just know he was only 48 years old. I hope as some of you say it gets easier. For now I just try to make it day by day.
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Posted by susieg2 on Dec 5th, 2009 at 2:52PM
I lost my husband 4/30/09. He died of mostly heart problems, but affected his liver and kidneys. We never had any clue he was this sick. He had atrial fibrillation 11 years ago, but it was under control, and his cardiologist always said he was ok. Apparently he was not. Over time, his heart condition did not allow enough oxygen to get to his organs. I hold both his family practice dr responsible, and the cardiologist. They should have noticed certain things, according to other doctors I have talked to. But no one will snitch on the other. I guess they can't be God, altho they want to be treated like that. My husband fortunately never was in pain, only was always tired, symptoms which mimicked other things, like thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, etc. Liver readings went unnoticed. His cardiologist never did extensive testing until it was too late. We just never knew he was so sick. We had 6 months of drs appts., 3 weeks of hospitalization and 1 day we knew he was going to die. Compared to some people, we were lucky. No months of agonizing of impending death, no pain. But I miss him so much sometimes I can't stand it. It seems like it isn't possible. We were married for 20 yrs, together for 10 before that. I had him with me over half my life. People say I was lucky to have had someone who loved me like that, but it makes it all that much harder to lose them. My family has been some support, but they don't understand when I yell or get mad easily. I know this doesn't give me a license to treat people badly, but NO ONE knows the pain unless they go through it. I go to 2 support groups and it helps to be with people who do know, if you don't belong to one, you should find one. It does help to know you aren't alone. Don't let other people make you feel bad because you hurt. Do what you have to do to make it through the day. I have even told people to not say to someone I will call or check on you if they don't mean it. Life goes on for everyone but me. I am angry at God for taking him, and its hard to be grateful for the way he went when you wonder why it had to be him anyway?? I wish I had blind faith, I don't. Sometimes I think if I didn't have my 2 dogs I would just be done with it all. No one would miss me that much. If I knew for sure I would be with him, I would do it. At least this pain would be gone.
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Posted by LKRK on Dec 6th, 2009 at 1:40PM
As I read all of you comments, they all sound exactly the way I feel. My precious Husband of 36 years was deliberately killed by the doctor who was suppose to save his life. My world ended on November 24, 2004. I feel like 99.99999% of me left with my Husband and the very small piece of me is still here trying to function and wondering why.
I really wish I had answers for everyone, but the only suggestion I might be able to make is for everyone to read "Never Say Goodbye" by Patrick Mathews. It spoke to my soul in several places and I hope it will to yours as well.
God Bless Everyone,
Linda
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