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Jan 12th, 2009
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I
am a widow. Every day I wake up and have to remember that. After 22 years of marriage my husband's prediction, "I will not live past 60," is so insanely true.
How did he know? Admittedly, he had been deathly ill. In July he had a stroke and another the next day after he had been admitted. The doctors and I fought for his life every day in the ICU. He was comatose for two solid months, intubated, then trached, a nasogastric tube, then a stomach tube, pneumonia, and ARDS...then the bilateral pulmonary emboli and a serious nearly fatal alveolar bleed -- when he seemed to rally and got better the VA Doctors and me--we all chalked up our wonderful victory. I thanked God every day for answering my prayers.
I signed every release the doctors asked for, I hit my knees in so many prayers that I had the hospital staff and nurses praying with me.
He entered the hospital on July 21, 2008 and was released November 10th. We went home and commenced trying to build our life again. November passed and December came, the weather got cold and gloomy and we put the flannel sheets on the bed together. We traveled around and visited our friends and when he went to the VA for a check up we stopped in the ICU so they could say hello and again we all congratulated ourselves. I took his picture on morning of December 19th as he visited with his friend Bill and he smiled so sweetly....On the evening of December 20th we went to bed, fed, medicated and happy with each other. His snoring was just as usual, keeping me awake as it was so loud.
Sometime during the early morning hours he stopped snoring--aha, I thought, now I can get some sleep...At a quarter to seven I got up like I always do and went to the bathroom. When I came back I sat on the bed and reached over to wake him. He was dead.
The doctors in the ER and the coroner's report stated he had a massive coronary. They comforted me to the best of their ability stating that he hadn't suffered at all and that many people wish to die in the way that he had. He died before he passed the age of 60 and he went quietly in his sleep.
I don't feel numb. I feel pain; a knot in my chest. Sometimes it resolves for a while after I cry but it just builds up again and I am in constant pain. Every day I wake up and I am so sad and lonely. I asked God, what was it all for? What did I learn?
Why, why, why!? When we loved each other so, and had great times just being together, just the two of us...why did he have to go?
Then I pull myself up and I get dressed, even if I don't want to--I do it anyway. I eat and drink even if I don't want to, I talk to people when they talk to me and I do all the things I need to get done--even if I don't know why I bother. Even if I don't know what it was all for...
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  | Posted Jan 12th, 2009 at 11:40PM I am so, so sorry. I lost my hubby/best friend on July 26, 2008. He was sick the night before he died, we went to the hospital and they said he was fine. We had spent the day before doing our usual thing and enjoying each others company and even spent most of the night enjoying the stars together. He fell asleep saying if he doesn't feel better by morning we will go somewhere else. Even if he was sick he we kissed goodnight and he would tell me he loved me and I was his angel. He woke up one time in the night and I raised up to see about him, he said he was okay just some pain and go back to sleep. I heard him snoring and thought he was okay, surely he would tell me if he wasn't okay. The dr's said he had an infection. I got up the next morning to wake him as I usally do with a kiss and make his breakfast. He was dead. I was also told that it was the best way to go, but it doesn't do anything for me. I am the one alive and left to go through the motions everyday just like you and hate every step and breath I breathe without him. I also believe in prayer and healing and I question it everyday. Your not alone. +3 nods   |
 | Posted Jan 13th, 2009 at 1:04AM Oh sweetie--here's another hug for (((you)))! Thank you for the fellow-feeling. It is very hard to wake up and find your friend, your love, your life is gone! I still treasure all of his things and hug his pillow at night. I wear his wristwatch and his hat is lying in the back seat right where I can see it in the rear view mirror, just as though he is there in the car with me... They say time will heal our pain...so I pray now for that comfort to come. I know God hears us and he will lend his strength when we need him. And--although my heart knows he is in a better place, my eyes still fill up with tears because he isn't here with me. Even Jesus cried! +3 nods |
 | Posted Jan 13th, 2009 at 3:59AM I am so sorry for your loss I ti tear at my heart I have lost many people in my life not like what you have went through I lost a daughter Rachel and a son Joey it is so hard You don't want to go on you miss them desperately . But you have to go on I know one thing sometimes I asked why??? it haunted me but I still don't understand why maybe we never will +3 nods |
 | Posted Jan 13th, 2009 at 6:11AM I feel so sad after reading these because we all have so much in common that they bring back many memories. I know the feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning unfortunatly, unlike all of you, sometimes I don't because at when I,m asleep I don't have to think about the lonliness, but I wish to thank you all for sharing your experiences as you have helped me to see that I must wake up and try to move forward as much as possible. My heart cries for all of us but I am so grateful that we have all found our way to this site....and we are no longer alone. God bless you all. +3 nods |
| Posted Jan 17th, 2009 at 10:57PM Hi: I cry as I read everyone's stories. I understand your pain and sorrow. It is unbearable at times. I just posted my loss who was to be my husband, so I feel like a widow. A 2nd chance at a new life together after a horrible 1st marriage. After 2 yrs and 8 months battling brain tumors he died on Christmas Eve. He went on to eternal peace but it is very hard for us that are left behind and struggle to even get out of bed in the morning and try to function. I got a call today from a woman from the grief support group I am going to. She had her husband die tragically in a motorcycle accident in September 08. She said she didn't know if it was harder to go through a long illness with someone or to have to lose them suddenly. I told her I don't think it really matters. It's extremely painful either way. I am hanging on to God every minute of the day. My prayers are with you. Carrie +3 nods |
 | Posted Feb 24th, 2009 at 9:00PM My heart aches for all of you who has lost their spouse. Your story rocked me to the core. I will send some healing energy your way and hope you know you are supported. My husband and I are still young in our marriage, but your story reminds me to love each day to the fullest. I hope you are able to find peace in the near future. God Bless. |
| Posted Mar 29th, 2009 at 12:41PM omg everything here is so sad. I am very sympathetic with you all though i have not lost any one so tragically. |
 | Posted Apr 2nd, 2009 at 5:24AM i..am really sorry..i do understand your pain though....it's like there's nothing to live for and everyday is just anyday without that people by your side. yes, i do agree that you are definately not alone. i personally think God is sometimes pretty unfair but we have to learn to let go one day. you are not alone. live up your life. start a new day. a new journey! live your life to the very fullest! and im very sure he would be so proud of you! love |
| Posted Apr 8th, 2009 at 6:36PM I too am soo depressed, I lost my soul mate my best friend, my husband, he was my world, I am trying so hard to just keep going on but it hurts soo bad, i try to do the normal for my kids, but it is such a struggle for me, i too am so upset with god, i tried so hard to keep the faith but i am losing this battle, i feel like life has no meaning, i want some relief so bad, i miss him 25 years together, i am 47 he was 46, he had no systoms but 2 a drooped mouth and hiccups, and in 25 days he was dead, everyone said it was good he didnt suffer, but i don't understand why he was sick at all, I love him so much and miss him so bad it hurts i would love to talk to anyone that has any advice of getting threw this auxmg33@aol.com (Lisa) |
 | Posted Apr 9th, 2009 at 5:43PM I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband of 26 years died last Aug. 24th. Did not know he was sick. A blood clot went to his heart causing him to die in a matter of min. Didn't get to tell goodby, love u or anything else. I can't say it gets eaiser, but the days do pass and life goes on. If you ever need to talk I'm here. |
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