I am a widow. Every day I wake up and have to remember that. After 22 years of marriage my husband's prediction, "I will not live past 60," is so insanely true.
How did he know? Admittedly, he had been deathly ill. In July he had a stroke and another the next day after he had been admitted. The doctors and I fought for his life every day in the ICU. He was comatose for two solid months, intubated, then trached, a nasogastric tube, then a stomach tube, pneumonia, and ARDS...then the bilateral pulmonary emboli and a serious nearly fatal alveolar bleed -- when he seemed to rally and got better the VA Doctors and me--we all chalked up our wonderful victory. I thanked God every day for answering my prayers.
I signed every release the doctors asked for, I hit my knees in so many prayers that I had the hospital staff and nurses praying with me.
He entered the hospital on July 21, 2008 and was released November 10th. We went home and commenced trying to build our life again. November passed and December came, the weather got cold and gloomy and we put the flannel sheets on the bed together. We traveled around and visited our friends and when he went to the VA for a check up we stopped in the ICU so they could say hello and again we all congratulated ourselves. I took his picture on morning of December 19th as he visited with his friend Bill and he smiled so sweetly....On the evening of December 20th we went to bed, fed, medicated and happy with each other. His snoring was just as usual, keeping me awake as it was so loud.
Sometime during the early morning hours he stopped snoring--aha, I thought, now I can get some sleep...At a quarter to seven I got up like I always do and went to the bathroom. When I came back I sat on the bed and reached over to wake him. He was dead.
The doctors in the ER and the coroner's report stated he had a massive coronary. They comforted me to the best of their ability stating that he hadn't suffered at all and that many people wish to die in the way that he had. He died before he passed the age of 60 and he went quietly in his sleep.
I don't feel numb. I feel pain; a knot in my chest. Sometimes it resolves for a while after I cry but it just builds up again and I am in constant pain. Every day I wake up and I am so sad and lonely. I asked God, what was it all for? What did I learn?
Why, why, why!? When we loved each other so, and had great times just being together, just the two of us...why did he have to go?
Then I pull myself up and I get dressed, even if I don't want to--I do it anyway. I eat and drink even if I don't want to, I talk to people when they talk to me and I do all the things I need to get done--even if I don't know why I bother. Even if I don't know what it was all for...