We weren't married, but we may as well have been. I love her with all my heart and she felt the same way about me. One day in November of 2007 the love of my life was admitted into the hospital and just a few days later she passed away.

She was in pain every second and I was there as much as I possibly could be. Her parents didn't really seem to care, they hardly even checked in on her, but that made it easier for me to slip in unnoticed. You see, our relationship was (is) a complete secret for many reasons. I watched her convulse with pain as her organs started failing one by one and she finally passed on in my arms just after telling me how much she loved me. I felt her die.

We may not have been married (yet) but we definitely planned on it. She was (still is) my everything, the only thing that has ever truly mattered to me and I would do absolutely anything to get her back. She was beautiful, smart, talented, and my other half. Marraige would have been perfect, but I've found that no one is allowed to have perfect and when you get close it gets ripped away from you for no apparent reason.

I love her with all my heart and I'm completely miserable every second she's gone

godsmack666 godsmack666
18-21, M
26 Responses Feb 9, 2009

My wife has Turner Syndrome. We were never able to consummate our marriage the normal way. What made this worse was that I stayed a virgin until marriage! Nevertheless, I stayed in the marriage. One day, because I was somewhat sexually immature, I was seduced by one of my wife family members (by marriage). I blame myself, too, but it really wasn't what I wanted.<br />
<br />
We fell deeply in love. So I know about forbidden love, godsmack. The woman (who really functioned as my wife) moved in with us and lived with us for over a decade. We loved each other so much and, as you can imagine, there were some tough times with our families! But our love survived!! But when she got cancer for the second time in her life, she didn't survive.. <br />
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I am still legally married to the other person. She will never be a normal woman even though we still love each other. My true wife who died deserved all the love I gave her and more. I did not go the funeral and to this day our love is an open secret. I can not even talk or mourn openly. I wish so badly that I had died with her! But the family members I have confided in say that is selfish of me. I still have someone (although not a wife to me) that has worked and helped survive the death of the woman I love. I can't even mention her name without being scolded. I am angry and bitter for even being in this situation after staying a virgin until marriage.<br />
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I tried to do things God's way and this is what I get????!!!!!!!<br />
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There is much more to my story and I have cried while typing this much and I have been up all night because I cannot sleep and the arms of my child-wife, though loving, cannot comfort be like my true wife did. I wanted you to know that someone really understands. I am a widow in my heart and still technically have a wife. I am very lonely because I cannot even grieve her properly.<br />
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To everyone else... she is just my wife's cousin-in-law ----- not the love of my life.

You have too much to offer. Too much love in your heart to hide it away forever. It doesn't have to be shared with so many women, but never deny the possibility that there is still someone for you. Someone who can make you feel whole again. Love is ......intangible but eternal and it is inside of you no matter how much you deny or hide it from the rest of the world.

The hardest part is waking and finding them not there. The only time I am at peace with this is if I am asleep. My mind wonders often through out the day whether I am at work or home or a store. I will always love him no matter what life has in store for me. I look at people live life so frivoriously(spell) and uncontent yet full of games and it makes me want to reach out and tell them today is it, this is all you get, live each moment like the next one wont be here. Silently, I watch and say nothing because they do not understand nor comprehend what a moment really is. I find it hard to enjoy conversation sometimes and experience a lot silence. You truely understand what it is like to love and to have no other to grasp what your talking about. What you allow them to know. The most precious thing about your story is she knew from the bottom of her heart you really loved her. That my friend is the peace you will endour FOREVER....

I agree, but personally for me i wouldn't trade the love and experiences we shared for all of the gold and women the world can offer. <br />
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And oh yes...the god

Ugh with the god talk. <br />
<br />
Personally I don't know if it's better 'to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all'. <br />
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It's certainly more painful.

Thank you, LV. Your words are always very kind and uplifting

You are too young to resign yourself as a widow.<br />
<br />
I wish you love, love so great that make you fly.<br />
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I wish you fatherhood, love of a child that mends all scars.<br />
<br />

anything for you :)

Thank you redlady, beautiful words

For some people letting go is a difficult act. To be so close to someone, to want them , need them and even feel them when they are not with you is all a part of love. When you lose that person through death, doesn't mean these feelings disappear. It only amplifies them because you know that they will not come home from work or meet you for dinner, or climb through your bedroom window anymore. Love is not defined simply by a heartbeat, but by the spirit. It should never be questioned by others outside of that love. It is not theirs to feel. It isn't for anyone else to judge one's grief. Give them comfort or leave them in peace. My friend, Godsmack, I wish I could give you peace.

Thank you for your kind words

I have felt this pain you felt. I also had my one real love ripped away from me in recent months. Things do get better, only if you let them though.

SAD- how miserable you say?? <br />
How utterly wonderful that you had the opportunity to have/touch/experience what few know "unconditional Love"<br />
or maybe your ego desires more of what SHE gave you-<br />
She only dwells in another place, she is "always" there to hear you speak, let go of the "WANTING" - for it is there already-what you already have- close your eyes and open your heart to the love that you say "Exists" or does this thing you feel need to be "GIVEN" something -sorry that is not "LOVE"<br />
Indeed you may have found your partner,the other half of your soul-and it is timeless---only if you believe

Right now, it seems as if your life has ended. However, it is really just beginning. This wonderous young woman who awoke such beautiful feelings in you was sent to you for a purpose. The purpose was not to throw away the rest of your life, but to awaken you to the beauty in life. She would not want you to stop living or loving because of her death. She would want you to go on with your life and honour her by living your life as if she were with you. She would want you to find another love in time to share all that she would have wanted to share with you. Life is not easy, but it's all we have at the moment. Live every moment to its fullest and work at making sense of it all. Honour her memory.

your life story is truly moving. I wish that God give you strength to lead your life in a positive manner.

Thank you for sharing. I'm so very sorry to hear about her. She sounds like an amazing person. It's such a shame that some people choose to not be close to the ones that should matter most.

First of all I am sorry for your loss, but I can surely say Do not worry, there is no wound time does not heal and above all please hold on as tight as you possibly can to God`s hand. Believe me I am going through a horrible situation at the moment also, and that is why I say.... KEEP OR RENEW YOUR FAITH. You will see how little by little as days go by, your heart will recover. I promisse.

this story made me weep.....<br />
<br />
keep strong, i hope it will get easier for you

Hello dear friend, I understand your grief perfectly, because recently very similar story happened to me. You are soo right when it is close to perfect it gets ripped off. I also met someone who is my second half, all my life i've dreamed about him, I knew he is true and the day would come and I'll meet "Prince" in true meaning. I had a feeling which is unexplainable, I knew the person I am waiting for is real, I will meet him. The day came, we met, and it is so unbelievable even his face was the same I used to draw in my imagination, it was something miracleous. We both felt the same way about these things, I was also the one he was waiting for and we fall in love at frist glance. but after some beautiful monthes suddenly things downturned, and for no appearant reason life aparted us, because it was PERFECT. It looked like some high power had planned our break up, it really were like some power is doing it in intentionally. Now I am soo desperate, beacause he was the one I knew, I felt and I was waiting for to come all my life. But I am so grateful to God that he let me meet the man off my dreams which I was waiting for all my life. I am ready to give away anything just to return him back. Dear, I will pray for you, all this holy month I will pray to God to heal your heart. Because I know this pain and your story is soooo familar. Now, I am also tearing apart from pain. I am misarable, no pain can be compared to what I feel now, no cutting no burning. I stopped wishing and wanting something, or someone, because he was the one I was waiting and I met him finally, even though some power took him away from me. Nothing is ours in this world even our soul.<br />
May God Let your beloved rest in paradise and heal your heart and soul!

im sorry that you lost the person who you should have spent the rest of your life with i can't begin t understand the pain that your in though i do understand what it is like to be in a forbidden relationship

My heartfelt for you...upon reading your sad story.<br />
I pray .... that in due time .. you will be healed.

I enjoyed your story . at 17 I fall in love just like you. he was killed . we had a baby. I thought I never love again but it happen. I let go of him . he wasn't the person I thought he was. it takes to heal. God well heal your heart in time. if you read about God and get to know he well help you. maybe this plan is a counsel of healing people who loss love one . he has a plan just for you. I am Gods daughter sending a message . love janie garcia

Maybe in time they would have seen !<br />
<br />
When I went out with this beautiful girl in 1979 I knew I had found the love of my life.<br />
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She was honest,caring,funny smart and a good soul.<br />
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The problem was that my father and two brothers decided that she was __"NOT__ right for me" and thought I should break it off.<br />
<br />
Well,they were so wrong about here and we married in 1984 after living together and loving each other for 5 years.<br />
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By the time my dad died in 2003 he thought my wife could walk on water,my mom Loooves Linda like a daughter and my brothers think she is great.<br />
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We will have our 25th anniversary on Sept/22nd/09 and I will be thinking of both of you.<br />
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I'm sad that you lost your ONE TRUE LOVE and time robbed you of the last 30 years that I managed to have.<br />
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When they meet her in heaven they will understand everything and have remorse.

So sorry to hear about your loss. Thoughts to you during your recovery process.

Thank you fish, that means a lot.

Thank you for sharing. I had a mutual love in 1999 that died and we were not married. It seemed to other people that mattered. It doesn't. Its so good she had you there for her in her life.