I am a widow, although not in the legal sense as we were not married.

My partner and I shared over 10 years together and were soul mates.

We had lived together in a rented house for over 8 years but were on holiday in my owned house when he died.

It was so shocking my brain found it hard to comprehend...but that was nothing compared to what was to come.

Three days after his death I got my daughter to drive me home.

We arrived to find the house ransacked with all our personal papers missing.We were stunned.

In the next two days his children came round, shouting at me and accusing me of all sorts.They then bought in a bullyboy who kicked his way in.I had been having tea with my partners sister,she was shocked and called the Police.Unfortunately the Police sent round inexperienced officers who took the easy option and who told me to leave.I only had the clothes I stood up in.

That was the last time I saw my home,my furniture, my personal things,photos,clothes,paperwork etc.

Again my brain found it hard to compute, I had done nothing but see my lovely man dead on the stairs, now his ex-wife was sitting in MY living room,sifting through MY personal pictures and paperwork and his children,who he thought loved me,were clearing my home out. Even my car keys were taken and I was left stranded with nothing.

Not content with this they wrote to people accusing me of helping in my man's demise, blackened his name by saying he was having an affair and tried hard to keep me from his funeral.

Can someone out there tell me how to find closure after all this?

plymgirl plymgirl
51-55, F
6 Responses Feb 14, 2009

Thank you for all your comments, much appreciated.<br />
I was so totally devastated by my man's death that getting a removal firm didn't enter my head, I hadn't anticipated needing one! The house was not an owned place, just rented from a housing assosiation. I would say 90% of the house contents were mine, most from my first marriage.<br />
I was still in a state of shock when the Police asked me to leave, I then had my keys snatched from me and so there I was late at night with only the clothes I stood in.<br />
Meanwhile, in the place I called home was his ex wife, his kids, variouse cousins and this bully boy. All picking through my personal stuff.<br />
I know I should have stood up and told the Police that I was NOT going to leave and that the others should be arrested for tresspass....but I was just so far into grief.<br />
Three years on and as my grief subsides my anger is welling up....and I have nowhere to aim it now.<br />
My stuff has been ditched and the house was handed back to the assosiation so there is nothing I can do. I just want to know how to cope with these feelings of wanting to go back and attack them.<br />
Anyway, thank you all for listening.x

I am afraid I am in the UK and the law does not recognize common law wives when it comes to Death.<br />
My main problem was that they removed the entire contents of the house and I had no proof of what was mine (they had all the paperwork). I did go through the Police and the legal system. The addage 'possesion is 9/10ths of the Law' seems to ring true. The worsed thing is that they did not want my stuff for themselves, indeed none of it was of interest to anyone but me,they just held it out of spite and were getting pleasure from my pain. I gave up in the end and put a stop to their game....but I have no closure and find it hard to move on. It has been nearly three years and sometimes I could scream with anger....but I know I must move on and forget about them. My man would have been so angry at his children.<br />
The only thing that helps is knowing that it was jelousy on the part of the ex....which meant he and I had something worth being jelous about. The photo's that they went through would have shown our love.<br />
Is it all just a matter of time though? Has anybody else been through this sort of thing, and how did they cope?

Gosh NVA I didn't know that, and there may be more states as well that recognize it. Thanks y'all.

All I can add to fungirls comments is my personal condolences and that the state of VA has a common law marriage after seven years of living together.

I can't add to what fungirlmmm said, but my heart goes out to you. I do know that things will get better.

First of all please accept my condolences on the loss of your precious partner. It sounds from your story that you were very close. I will pray that you find comfort as time passes in the many memories that you made together.<br />
<br />
You don’t mention what state you reside in, but DC, AL, CO, SC, IA, KS, MT, OK, PA, RI, TX, UT, NH, and TN all recognize common law marriage and other states do sometimes recognize common law marriage if you resided in one of those states as a couple. One of the things that a party has to prove in order to be considered part of a common law marriage is that both parties presented themselves as married to the public. You referred to yourself as a widow so I assume you lived as his wife and he as your husband. Common law marriage can be really tough to prove so I would urge you to see a lawyer if you have not already done so. The worst he can do is tell you, based on the laws of your state, that he can’t help you. Getting what is rightfully yours or at least standing up and fighting for what you know is right and fair can go a long way in the process. Nothing you can do will bring back the man you love, but taking actions you know he would have taken or making sure you stand up for him when his memory is being assaulted are important to the living. I wish you luck in this horribly sad journey.