Hello Everyone !

I've been reading about all of you and just want to say, I too know where you are coming from and my heart goes out to all of you.

My precious Husband of 36 years was taken from me and his beautiful daughters and son, by a deliberate act of the doctor who was suppose to save his life.  This doctor drained my Husband's lung too fast and caused it to collaps.  No one in the entire hospital did anything to try to save my Husband.  True, he did have Mesothelioma and Colon Cancer, BUT.....The Mesothelioma was receeding and my Husband passed the tumor in his colon.  So if the doctor had only drained his lung as he PROMISED me he would, my precious Husband would still be here with us as my soul knows he is suppose to be.  This is so extremely hard to try to live with.  I wish I'd never taken him to that hospital in the first place.  I feel a lot of this is my fault somehow.  It just keeps playing over and over and over in my head like it was yesterday, but it was November 24th 2004.

I also feel like there is nothing to live for.  He was and is my entire life.  Eventhough we have two beautiful daughters and my husband's son and grandson from a previous marriage, all in their 30's and now a truly amazing 20 month old granddaughter that I cherish, I still feel so lost, even with them, I feel so out of place and like I don't belong.

Friends, who have never experienced any of this, constantly tell me that it will get better with time, or your husband wouldn't want you to be sad, he'd want you to be happy and find someone else.  Or they see the wedding rings I still wear ( mine on my left hand ring finger and his on a chain around my neck), and they have the goll to ask me if I'm re-married !!!

I spend time at the Cemetery every day, crying and talking to my husband and to God, to try to somehow be able to spend time with my husband every night, so that I can make it through every day.  Somehow, I feel that my husband feels the exact same way I do.  It's almost like I hear him sometimes and he needs me as much as I need him.  Even if it's only in my dreams that I get to spend time with him.  If I knew for a fact that I could see him and be with him every night, then I could make it through the days a lot easier and I know he could too.  I know in my soul that he is happy where he is, but I also know that he still needs me more every second, just like I do him.

If anyone else feels the same way I do, PLEASE let me hear from you.  I need to know that I'm not losing my mind, like so many other people think I am, for thinking this way.

Hugs & Blessings To All,

LK

LKRK LKRK
56-60
20 Responses Mar 3, 2009

I am so sorry to hear how hard it has been for you. I don't know anyone else in real life that has lost a spouse and so far for me it is the worst pain in the world. When I was in 5th grade on my 1st day of school I say the cutest boy I had ever seen get on the bus. I can still see his face is my mind. I thought wondered to myself "who is he". He has the most beautiful, infectious smile. He looked so happy. I was so shy. Ever day for that school year I would hope he got on the bus at his stop. I would hope that the buss would be full enough that the only spot open would be next to me, but it never happened. He was a grade above me so we went to different schools.
Then the next year came and we were in the same school. Some friends of mine new him, and introduced us. Soon we went out for a while. I was so shy and scared as kids are. When we kissed I felt a little funny. I am not sure why but I broke up with him. I think I was scared of something serious at the time. We were good friends all through middle school and high school.
He ended up getting in a fight and went to prison. I didn't really know how to get a hold of him. Later a friend gave me his info so I could right him in prison. When he got out we saw each other for quite a while then began a relationship.
He was the love of my life. He was my best friend. I could tell him anything and everything. He always listened, we did everything together. When he looked at me I could always see that love in his eyes.
He suffered horribly from depression and issues stemming from child abuse. His depression was so bad. And looking back now I can see how all the attempts he made were giving him the courage to actually do it. His depression was taking me down as well. I wanted a break from him, and was tired of him holding the suicide card over me. I need a break and tried to call things off for a while. He couldn't stand it. After 4 years he took his own life by hanging himself in our home closet.
I miss him so horribly everyday. It has been 8 years now. It still hurts as bad as it did the day it happened. I had a very hard time with Robin Williams death. The story was so close to what I went through and it just killed me. It kind of brought everything back up for me.
I have a hard time watching movies we both loved, listening to certain music. I still see things that I think he would like. The hardest also has been a few time I have seen someone who looked like him. It just hurts. It feels like your soul has truly died. All the shared memories left with no outlet anymore. I think that may hurt the worst. It feels like all of them are gone or erased.
I have since found someone else, but after 6 years I think its over. It has been hard being with someone else because I feel like he doesn't love me like Thomas did. I know its not fair to think like that because he is a different person. Out of respect I have never said anything to compare them.
They say that time heals all wounds but I don't believe that. It will always hurt. Just maybe a little less often. I want to find someone again who made me feel as loved as he did. I am hopeful that there is someone out there. I have to be hopeful. I believe in love at first sight. I believe you need to go for the person who makes your heart skip a beat. I know you can't find the same person. But maybe someone who make you feels the same way. Sorry its such a long post, but its a lot of stuff to go through I guess.

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I lost my husband, Tobias to injuries he sustained during a car accident caused by a drunk driver. He died 3 months after attempting recovery at home. A blood clot killed him. I was blessed to be with him as he took his last breath.<br />
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It has only been 10 months and I still cry at odd and inappropriate moments. <br />
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We were married for 14 years and today is our anniversary.<br />
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It has been said that the first year is the hardest with all the birthdays and special times you are now alone - but nothing is as lonely as a wedding anniversary no-one remembered.<br />
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I know that I will see him again when I die and go to Heaven where I know he is, but I yearn for him everyday. We are so young, only married 14 years. We have 2 children who need both parents !<br />
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I extend a hug to you as a fellow widow struggling everyday with your loss.<br />
<br />
Naomi

Wow,that's so sad. I've never been married,so I definitely can't say that I know how you feel. I think it's ok to be sad. I mean,even if tomorrow you somehow managed to fall madly in love with someone else,it might be a great relationship,but it still wouldn't be the one you had,and I think it's ok to mourn that loss. I do hope that you can get past your feelings of guilt. You didn't invent cancer,and you didn't give a medical degree to a moron. On another note,thanks for commenting on my story. I like to mess with people about my wonky eyes too. My favorite thing is to tell people I'm inbred. I'm from Alabama,so it really messes with their head.;)

thank you lkrk for sharing your story. you are not alone. we are there. I have kept my mothers assets too, they are my precious things, I kiss them hold them to my heart and cry. they are the best things in the world because they have been touched by my mommy. please keep sharing your thoughts. thanks.

I'm going through a hard seperation and divorce. Still it's countless times easier than what you must feel. My heart and prayers are with you ! In divorce you want to be a part and can't wait to say good bye ! In your case..........I'm sorry I'm having trouble trying to find the right words. When there is the truest of love between 2 people you never ever really want to let go ! Your story was well written and touched my heart deeply. I hope you may find the peace you wish for in your husbands memory. I believe his spirit will live with in you and the love you hold for him. May God Bless You !

Today is the 5 year anniversary of my pregnant niece's suicide. I am reading of the grief of all you, and my heart opens. First: TIME DOES NOT HEAL. Second: People's well meaning words to try to comfort have the opposite effect because they come from a place of not understanding the grief process. Third: THE GRIEF PROCESS - this process is now part of your life path. I learned this five years ago. There is a group that is nationwide that I urge you ALL to find and join. It is a 6 week journey and the goal is for you to have a relationship with the grief, not try to get over it, that is not an option, one never gets over it, one only learns how to manage it. <br />
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THE GRIEF RECOVERY HANDBOOK by John W. James & Russell Friedman goes along with the program called Grief Recovery Seminars. Google this for your well being. Your departed one does not 'want you to get another' or 'move on with your life' these are all statements from people who mean well and don't know anything. The seminar will also teach you how to deal with how these well meaning people make you feel, which for me, made me feel very angry when they'd say "I know how you feel" - no one knows exactly how you feel. PLEASE, for your sake as a living human, do this for yourself TODAY. I did it. It has provided me with the opportunity to learn what such an intense/emotional/ongoing life event has to teach me to make me a person more able to assist those new to the grief process. Our grief process is as individual as we each are, as individual as snowflakes. This is the first fact to be honored. <br />
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That said, I surround you all with the light of the Divine Mother, who's compassion we sometimes cannot feel because we are not tuned into the right channel. Effective prayer needs to be tuned in to the RIGHT channel. We were not taught the science of effective prayer as children or by our churches/etc. One does not have to be religious to 'petition the creative force' aka 'pray to God' for assistance with our human experience.<br />
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If I gave one of you a ray of light by this commentary, then I am overjoyed in this. Please feel free to be in touch with me and we can work together to restore peace to your soul as you work through this process. Your effective work with this also brings peace to the one who has departed the physical aspect of your relationship. There is so much more than the physical aspect to any relationship, and once you have a deeper understanding of this, which comes through an open mind, then you will be comforted and not feel so lost. You won't feel lost when you've found your way with this process. All my love goes out to all of you in this community......Ave

Would love to talk to you more about "Effective Prayer".

God Bless You Always!

Hi LKRK, I totally understand, I still have my wedding ring on and also my husbands I don't see anything strange about that I promised to love him for the rest of my life. There will be no one else for me he was and is my whole world, I will not put my children through the confusion of boyfriends which gives them the chance to attach to someone then to have them leave besides they have a daddy we don't need another one.

Hi stillgrieving,

I totally agree with you and feel exactly the same way about any other man in my life. Please write anytime.

God Bless You Always.

For me I try to stay focused on the blessing I've been giving. I had a wonderful husband we had a great relationship that all my family and friends say thats the kind of love everyone wants. We could talk about anything and everything,we loved being together, but we could also be apart,we never faught,he had his opinions I had mine, we not only loved each other we respected each other. God gave me that wonderful man for a time and he was Gods to take I do not know when he will take me but I plan to make every moment that I am here count for my children my grand children my family and friends.

I lost Larry almost 15 years ago and I still miss him. He was the love of my life, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him and how special he made me feel. It was the best time of my life. I lost a part of me when he died and unfortunately, he has never been in my dreams. But I feel it helps to talk about it and I wish everyone who is going through this that your pain will lessen with time.

I can appreciate the strength it took to care for your wife. After my husband lost his leg, he lost his spirit, he became depressed and angry. A few months later he was gone. With all that had happened, my faith kept me going and the business we had started together gave me a purpose. My children grounded me. I wish you well waiwera.

Hello, People...<br />
<br />
I am a widower... I cared for my Beloved of 34 years upon her deathbed from cancer, as she wanted me to do... It was not a happy experience... But as I wrote on her grave plaque, "One chapter of life closes, another one opens", and this was true for both of us.<br />
<br />
People were caring, and asked was I okay... I have been a loner much of my life until marriage to my Sweetie at age 35; so maybe that helped. Also, the fact that I had been in the past a Spiritualist, a Theosophist, and a student of spiritual knowledge in general for about 50 years was a great help in being able to reconcile myself to the fact that "life has its cycles, its entrances and exits" and that this was normal.<br />
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When my wife passed on, I was also released from a pretty intense time of caring for her in her last months; and after a while I took up again my spiritual studies in a more "hands-on" way than I had been able to do while my wife was still here.<br />
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I still miss her, and would love to be able to cuddle up with her once again; but I think that the fact that I had ongoing things I wanted to do, and the fact that I KNEW she still existed, helped me to come to terms with her passing from the scene, and I really do not mourn her death now. I know we will meet again some day if it is necessary...<br />
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To me, the important thing to help get over the "hole" that is left in one's life, is to find something that you are passionate about doing, and recognise that your life's your own to do what you like to do, now. I also have family, and that helps as well...

It sounds like you are doing a lot better than the rest of us. I admire your strength. I do have one question though...........What did you mean by "I know we'll meet again some day, IF IT IS NECESSARY".

God Bless You Always!

In my understanding, we come across our partners in life for a reason... It may be that we need to work out some karma or other, or maybe we have some other job to do together; or maybe we had a dream to meet and enjoy a really good life together.
So - if it is necessary, we will sometime meet again; and I'm sure we will meet on higher dimensions when my own embodiment draws to a close... like my SweetHeart, whose mother came to be with her in her last days (Sweetie was clairvoyant, and reported the fact that her mother was in our house, waiting for her).

You all are not alone, I can identify with all of you alls experiences - I lost my husband in February 2004 and it seen like just yesterday. His was my soul mate, my best friend, my lover and it is almost six years but I still think of him all the time. I feel so all alone at times an no one seem to understand. For the first two years after he past away I buried myself in work. Then I decided to go back to University part-time so that I could keep busy but in just over six months I will be finish with my masters degree, I am worried as what to do next just to keep my from thinking. I know that at some point I have to accept the facts and move beyond the pain and get on with my life. I pretend a lot to cover the way I truly feel. I am so confused still.

I think what happens with most of us Widow's is.........As time goes on, life takes over and we find better ways to pretend and lie to others. Is this what we're suppose to learn here? I try to stay busy too, but after 6 years and 8 months, my body and soul are tired. The physical problems I've had just add to everything else. I'm here for you if and when you want to talk.

God Bless You Always,
LKRK

HI LKRK<br />
ZOFIA HERE AGAIN MY OH MY YOU ARE IN A TERRIBLE EMOTIONAL STATE, MY WEE PETAL. IF I WERE YOU I WOULD FEEL THE THE SAME 100 % TO YOUR LOSS YOU ARE NOT OVER. YES YOU MAY HAVE A WONDERFULL FAMILY AROUND YOU. BUT IVE GOT TO SAY YHIS FROM MY HEART YOU AINT GOT YOUR MAN. YOU R NOT 2 BLAME FOR HIS TUMOUR. YOU WERE THE FOR HIM AND YOU STILL ARE YOU SWEETHEART GO TO HIS GRAVE EVERYDAY. AND TALK. HE HEARS YOUR CRYS WHEN YOU GO TO HIS GRAVE 2 MORROW SAY ZOPHIA SAID.<br />
IVE TO TELL YOU A JOKE CAUSE I KNOW YOU LIKED A GOOD LAUGH WHEN ALIVE. SO SAY TO HIM. A STORY OR A JOKE THAT U BOTH KNEW VERY WELL. I BET YOU WILL LAUGH ;<br />
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BECAUSE U WILL B REMEBERING GOOD TIMES I PROMISE CAN YOU RELATE ON TO THE NAME CALLED ROSE OR IS A ANNIVERSARY COMING UO SOON FOCUS ON THAT WOT IVE SAID.<br />
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SOMETIMES IF YOU MORN TO MUCH ON A LOVED ONE THEY DONT GET TO A HIGHER PLANE. YOU HAVE TO LET GO A BIT BECAUSE HE WILL BE UNHAPPY 2 C YOU UNHAPPY. IF U CAN UNDERSTAND. GOD BLESS YA BLESSINGS AND A PRAYER FOR U FROM ME I WILL TRY 2 B JUST TINY BIT STRONG ITS VERY HARD.NO MATTER HOW MANY YEARS YOUR HUSBAND HAS PASSED AWAY.<br />
R U RECEIVING COUNCELLING OR DID THAT NOT HELP?<br />
WRITE ME PLZ GOD BLESS U ZOPHIA;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Hello Zophia,

Thank you SO MUCH for your honest concern and all that you've said here.

I do go to his grave every day and I do talk to him and to God and I know they hear me. I hope you understand that I'm just not quite to the joke telling level yet. Although I do know what you are saying, deep inside and I thank you for trying to cheer me up.

The only "Rose" that I can relate to at all where my Husband and I are concerned is that he always wanted to send me a lot more Roses than he ever did and always felt guilty because he didn't send them. Our Anniversary is the 12 of Feburary.

I've hear that morning to much on a loved one can keep them from going to a higher plane, but I've also heard that it is their choice and sometimes, they simply want to stay as close to us as possible. True, he will be unhappy to see me unhappy, but he also understands.

Thank you SO MUCH for your blessings and prayers. They mean the world to me.

No, I'm not receiving counceling, because I've always dealt with all of our problems myself and I guess that's what I feel I have to do.

God Bless You Zophia

I just lost my husband 2 weeks ago, and i can relate to all of you on here, i am happy i join this forum because i to feel, devasted.. This was my second marraige and the best relationship i had with my husband.. We were married for 6 years and i feel robbed... <br />
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People will say we need to get on with our lifes it's easier for them to say that , although they mean well, it's not that easy for us with the lost comes so many emotions and we can only take it one day at a time.. No matter where we go there is always a reminder of our husbands , or we keep saying this is something i could have been sharing with my husband.. <br />
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I have learn that i need to grief before i can go out there and enjoy the things i use to enjoy.. And it's little itty bitty steps every single day for me.. Only we know in our hearts how and when we will start healing.. Healing is part of a process and we have to grief in order to get pass this terrible time..<br />
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I have stopped cooking , i have no desire right now to cook or do much.I to cannot eat much , i eat very small things just because my body needs it, i walk around in a daze and wake up every morning like a zombie realizing my husband is no longer here and i will never see him again (not in this world), here his voice or share anything with him..I can't sleep....<br />
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But i do know that it is our pain and people will say things to try and make it easier on us, but only we will know when is the right time and when were ready to heal...<br />
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My heart goes out to all of you, i am a bit relief i am not the only one going thru this hurt of loosing my husband..I miss him terribly , i ache , hurt and cry everyday for him...

That's why I stay here LKRK

Me Too.

Thank you for your comments, please keep in touch. Maybe if we keep talking about all of this, it MIGHT help.<br />
<br />
What do you think?

Two years ago in two more days.... I lost John. Some days I am just fine and then I wake up one morning with this cloud over me that I can't shake. <br />
It took me a long time to dream of my husband. In those dreams we just sat there side by side working on the house. That only happened 3 times and then it stopped.<br />
I can't really bring myself to go to his grave that often. I don't feel him there at all. I feel him with me all the time. Whenever I start to get down and depressed, I get phone calls and friends that bring some off the wall distraction that keeps me from falling into my pit. It's as though he is telling me there is no time for that. So I listen. I do my best and pick myself up and keep going. <br />
I feel lost and unsure and have no idea what to do with myself, but I know God and John will lead me where I need to be.<br />
I hope you all find your way as well. I pray for you all, my friends.

i have just read the comments from you all and i see myself in each of you, i lost my husband 3 1/2 months ago an i can bearly breath sometimes. i am so lonely but at the same time hide from people, i know that i will never be the same again and wonder what we did to deserve such pain, my kids are my comfort but sometimes i wish i didnt have to look after them so i can just be on my own, i am so sad that for the rest of their lives they are the kids whose dad died. how this will change who they are stresses me out, i know that i am permantly changed, how i will go on i dont know - god i cant believe this is now my life

I beg my husband to come into my dreams...every night...but it never happens. I am not dreaming at all. My mother tells me that my grief is still too strong to sleep soundly enough to dream.<BR><BR>I have asked God and Tony to "just come and get me". Why didn't we get to go together? Why am I left behind? I am told these are normal questions, but I don't think there is anything normal about being suddenly robbed from a life with your soul mate. It takes everything I have to get up in the morning to go to work...and especially on the week end. Just knowing you get to spend 2 days alone and crying. <BR><BR>It has almost been 3 months and I am still miserable. I actually think it is getting worse the longer he is gone. I wish I could turn off the love I have for him but I can't...I never will.<BR><BR>I too am tired of everyone telling me that I will heal with time. I do not feel like I am healing...just going through the motions of life because I have no choice. <BR><BR>I find that I am working longer hours (I am salary by the way) and do not want to go home to an empty house every night. I have always been an avid cook but have not cooked a meal since he passed in December. I eat only when I have to and not always when I am hungry. I have lost 20 pounds and really cannot afford to do that ( I only weighed 115). I live off bottled water and coffee and am screamed at by my mother constantly about that. It is just so hard to eat, sleep, function. etc. <BR><BR>If time is the only thing that will heal me...then that is not comforting to me at all. If I have learned anything from this experience, I have learned that TIME is something we have very little of. Maybe I will wake up suddenly one day and say "ok....I am over this....I can make it...I can live again". Right now I do not see that ever happening.