Is It Wrong to Want It to Get Better?

Part of me just wants to move on!  I hate this pain I feel every day! I never wanted to be the grown up and be responsible for anyone or anything.  My husband always took care of me.  He took care of out children.  He was my whole life. 

My dad passed away young and I was 11 of 12 children.  I was only 8 when he died but it seems I was an old soul.   When my mom fell apart and didn't seem interested in taking care of the six of us kids at home at the time, I kinda took over as the mom for all of us.  I didn't realize how much I resented that till I was much older. 

My husband "Lee" and I started dating when I was only 12 and he was 17.  No one ever thought of me as being a child.  I knew him because he and his best friend were dating some friends of my older sister.  I hated my to be husband because he was a pig.  The girl he was dating was going to beat me up for flurting with her boyfriend.  I went on the rampage and told them just how I felt about about him.  I was quite rude but to the point.  The one I really wanted was his best friend "Jimmy".   When the boys went away to bootcamp I started writing to Jimmy, his girlfriend was dating someone else while he was gone.  When they came back Jimmy and I went out a time or two.  The last time we were going out Jimmy made a bet with a friend that I would have sex with him if he wanted it.  I overheard the bet and when he asked if I would do anything he wanted I said "no, not anything".  The truth was I was so in lust with him I would have.  God would that have been the mistake of my life.  That was the last time we went out.  Friend said he dumped me but he didn't bother to tell me.  I tried everything to just talk to him but he just drove by and taunted me.  He thought it was a big joke.  I tried to use his best friend to get to him.  Lee felt sorry for me, he told me so.  Wow, this guy that was such a pig really cleaned up good!  But I wanted his friend.  He would give me a ride home, sometimes we would go for a drive just to talk.  We talked about everything and knew we were going in different directions.  We had different views of life and how we wanted to live it.  We were just great friends.  6 months of me trying to get to Jimmy ended up dating Lee instead.  I remember our very first kiss like it was yesterday.  Everone thought we were having sex from day one but never did for 2 years.  I knew he was gitting it other places and that worked for us.  The very first time we did I got pregnant.  It was a stupid mistake on my part.  I was 14 and had so many plans for my life that never included a child, it didn't even include my best friend.  Lee got scared and dated another girl for a short time.  I was very close to his mother and tried to make it clear that it was my fault and I would take care of it myself.  Everyone wanted us to get married.  There was no way I would ever hear him say "I only married you cause I got you pregnant."  I refused till after I graduated high school.  We dated after our daughter was born but I still wasn't sure our lives were going in the same direction.  I really don't know for sure when I fell in love with him.  I just know we stayed "in love" the entire 27 years of marrage.  He loved me when I was at my worst, and I do mean worst.  I spent a year in a deep depression and should have been hospitalized but wasn't.  He took care of our 2 children almost by himself.  I never wanted kids but loved being pregnant.  He loved being a dad.  He did all the "socker mom" things, even when I was protesting.  He took care of all the school stuff and homework.  He worked hard, went to college and still had time for football practices and the games that went with.  He truley was superman.  He had an amazing sense of style.  We kidded him about being a closet gay.  He decorated our house after building it by himself.  He made sure I was dressed well.  I couldn't seem to dress myself.  I not only have no rythem but no style.  

He gave me everything I ever asked for.  He took better care of me than I did of myself.  When I decided I wanted my own bakery he made it happen.  He worked his very demanding job and baked for me at night.  We tried to keep up with the jones and the smiths.  We had a 6000 sf home, 5 cars including his corvette.  We had 3 kids that were as spoiled as we could make them.  Something had to give.  He had to have a complete physical in order to up his life insurance in August of 2003.  They said he was perfect.  So in November of 2003 when he got the flu and was sick for more that a week we didn't think that much of it.  When he complained of chest pains at age 44 we just thought it was part of the flu.  He was having a heart attack.  He had 4 stints put in his heart and died 2 times during the proceedure.  They said he lost 40% of his heart muscle and would never get it back.  We had 2 years of many trips to the emergency room.  Our youngest was only 14 at that time.  We joked that he couldn't die till our youngest was old enough to take care of himself and keep me from selling his parts on ebay.   We got rid of the house, cars, business and stress in our lives and started taking vacations and better care of ourselves.  We found organics and the power of nature.  He went off all the medications the doctors gave him.  We had 2 great years, life was good.  We had plans to buy a sandrail.  We bought a trailer to go camping in.  Our oldest daughter was engaged to be married in August 2008.  We were giving her a beach wedding and using the beach house for our 27th anniversary party at the same time.  His job was going well, he was feeling great, we were dieting to fit into the clothes for the wedding.  He complaind that he wasn't loosing the weight as fast because his thyroid was messed up.  I told him it was the bag of chips he ate before dinner.  We agreed he would go back to the doctor to have the tests done but would not take any medication but the thyroid if he needed it.  He had to get a new doctor cause he didn't want to face the old one after dumping all his meds.  He went in and was tested for everything.  The new doctor couldn't believe that it was the same man.  She could find no signs of the heart damage.  He had the blood test run and we were getting the results one at a time on line.  Everything was comming up perfect. 

Friday June 13th, 2008 we got the thyroid test results and they were low but still in the normal range.  I teased him about the chips again.  Monday night we watched the "Bucket List".  We discussed the fact that I did not want to know if I was going to die, ever.  He didn't really want to know either.  We just didn't want to spend our time getting ready to die.  Tuesday, June 17th we started the day like all the others.  I got up early to make him breakfast and coffee.  He warmed up his car and we talked about the day to come.  I kissed him a couple of times that morning.  I just wasn't ready to say goodby.  I worked a later schedule than he did so when I was at lunch he was on his last break.  We would talk on the phone for about the first 15 minutes of my lunch.  We did that day as usual.  We talked about what we were having for dinner, we talked about who we wanted voted off "hells kitchen".  He said he felt good but was just a little tired.  I knew he stayed up late playing a computer game.  He said he might take a nap after he got home but wanted to be woke up as soon as I got home.  He had to get back to work and I wanted to eat my lunch so we hung up the phone.  9 minutes later I got a call from the nurse where he worked saying "the parametics are here and they are trying to revive him".  I knew he was gone, but could not believe it.  He had the kind of heart attack that just shuts off the main breaker.  He died before he hit the floor.  No warning, no comming back.   People said later that they thought he knew because he seemed to be getting his life in order.  I don't want to believe that he wouldn't share that with me. 

I know that if I didn't have to take care of my now all adult children I would have ended my life before now.  My life as I knew it did end that day.  We talked about what would happen if I died, that was always a for seeable future.  But never if he died even after his first heart attack.  His family has disowned me because I wouldn't let them have a big funeral.  Lee and I discussed in detail how we would not let anyone say they were sorry after we were gone.  We made our peace with the living everyday.  His family never bothered to see him with his first heart attack.  They never bothered to make their peace with him while we lived just up the road from them, so no way were they going to forgive themselves at our expense.  Our children and out extended children, (friends of our kids) always understood how we felt.  We told them everyday.  We expeceted them to do the same.  Lee and I are both anitomical donors so there wasn't mutch to bury.  No need for a big to do to put a box in the ground.  I know he's not in there anyway.  I feel him with me everyday.  Everyday I cry for him and then I try to move one.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days are unbearable.  We were so close that we really didn't need anyone else in out lives.  We didn't have a lot of friends, we had each other, we liked everything about each other.  We had the same interests.  We had co-workers that we were friends with but no one close.  I can't express my grief with my children because they have there own.  Since I lost my dad and my mother-in-law I can relate to their grief but they can't possibly know mine.

I wonder if anyone can possibly know my pain.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I have questions, I want to know if there is life after life?  I know there is life after death.  Will I find a second love?  When will it stop hurting?  Should I want it to stop hurting?  I can't do this alone!


Nene46 Nene46
46-50, F
3 Responses Mar 15, 2009

i know everyone tells you that time will heal - to a certain extent, but at the moment i dont want to forget, i will never marry again because i dont think i could survive this again - i dont ever want to love someone with the same intensity as my husband, what if i have to bury another - too hard, unimaginable - i will make peace and move on with my life and find joy and laughter but not with someone else - by myself with my kids and friends -

My heart goes out to you. I too am a widow and often have the same feelings and questions you do. All I can say is have faith and stay strong.

Take as much time as you want to heal. Like you, the more i express my hurt, my feeling and tell it to the world, the better i became normal again to live and love.