Lost Him So Fast

I'm 39 and lost my husband of 4 years on March 4, 2009 to Pancreatic Cancer.  We were together  for 14 beautiful years and I just can't grasp the reality that he's not coming home, that the plans we've made together are not going to come to pass.  That my very best friend, lover, soul mate is gone.   He'd been sick since August 2008 and we were working on getting him into remission, but after January, it was as if someone has flipped a switch and he was in the hospital for just about all of February came home for 5 days, went back into the hospital came home  for hospice care and was home a total of 19 hours and then just like that he was gone.   The hole in my heart and physical pain I feel every waking moment is unbelievable.  We knew this was coming,  but I don't think your ever prepared for this.  After I told him I'd be ok and we was going to be ok, he closed his eyes, never to open them again....   His wake was rough, but I think the hard part  is now....  learning to get  up and get going...  I'm still the same clothes  I had on a couple days ago!!  I don't want to do anything....  If God  only gives you what you can handle, he must think I'm some kind of superhero because I don't know if I can handle this!

lovedhimsomuch lovedhimsomuch
36-40
2 Responses Mar 15, 2009

I am so sorry for your loss and I do feel your pain. I'll be coming up on my husband's 3rd year May 11th. My husband died at work and I had talked to him 15 minutes before he died. He was happy, in a wonderful mood and was teasing me. The autopsy said that his heart literally exploded. No signs, no symptoms. It is so very hard I think either way of knowing ahead or sudden because we are never willing to give up our soulmates. I still want to call him at work, when 5:30p rolls around I feel guilty for not having started supper. We were married 22 wonderful years. The only living relative I have left is our son but my firends have been God sends. I agree, God is never supposed to put more on your shoulders than you can handle, I just wish He would not push it to the limit. You are also welcomed to write to me anytime.

I am very sorry. Nothing anyone can say short of "wake up, your having a bad dream" will make the pain go away. I was going to ask you if knowing things were bad made it any easier, but I guess it doesn't. It's been 9 months for me and everyday is a strugle just to get going but I do. I cry for him everyday and then I know he wants me to move on so I let myself do that. I don't have to be strong all the time just most of it. <br />
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You will find something inside yourself that makes you take that next breath and that next step. You don't have to rush it and don't let anyone tell you that you have to be strong and get over it. You don't have to do anything.<br />
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You can write to me anytime you just need to talk. I know we will get better, we just have to, otherwise what's the point.