What the Hell Happened?
I'm just going to say what we all feel. This truly sucks. We've had our lives blown up in front of our eyes, and now, we're stuck here with everything in shambles. Do you ever feel yourself just wandering around going, "what happened"?
My marriage was the envy of all my friends.... the perfect yin to yang, so to speak. I was even more in love with him than I was 30 years previously when I met him. I couldn't wait to grow old with him.
You know the diagnosis. Stage 4 cancer, six months to live. Care for him. Love him. Watch him die. Try to go on. Fail at that. Change everything to find new meaning. Feel as devastated as the day he died. But even more lonely. More hopeless. With no energy to rebuild.
What I'd like to do is just talk to someone, maybe several someones, about their experiences. It has been 3 years since I lost my "boy", and I am still a wreck. But no one knows. I have created such a wonderful illusion of being strong that I sometimes even pretend to believe it myself. But when I'm at home alone, all I can wish for is that I would just disappear from the earth.
Can we share what, despite our best efforts, we still feel?