What the Hell Happened?

 I'm just going to say what we all feel. This truly sucks. We've had our lives blown up in front of our eyes, and now, we're stuck here with everything in shambles. Do you ever feel yourself just wandering around going, "what happened"?

My marriage was the envy of all my friends.... the perfect yin to yang, so to speak. I was even more in love with him than I was 30 years previously when I met him. I couldn't wait to grow old with him.

You know the diagnosis. Stage 4 cancer, six months to live. Care for him. Love him. Watch him die. Try to go on. Fail at that. Change everything to find new meaning. Feel as devastated as the day he died. But even more lonely. More hopeless. With no energy to rebuild.

What I'd like to do is just talk to someone, maybe several someones, about their experiences. It has been 3 years since I lost my "boy", and I am still a wreck. But no one knows. I have created such a wonderful illusion of being strong that I sometimes even pretend to believe it myself. But when I'm at home alone, all I can wish for is that I would just disappear from the earth.

Can we share what, despite our best efforts, we still feel?


StarFragments StarFragments
61-65, F
3 Responses Mar 28, 2009

Starfragments --<br />
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Yes, we did join a horrible club... I lost my husband George of 14 years to stage 4 cancer -- did the same, took care of him, loved him, watched him die<br />
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Its going on 3 months and I get a tidlewave of emotions that are hard to describe. Be gentle with yourself.. My husband use to make me promise him that I would pick myself up and move on and live this one life we get with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart and I can honestly tell you that I feel I like let him down everytime I can't -- like everyday -- but I try... I really do and in time you will too... <br />
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I'm here if you need to talk.. Remember your not alone.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my girl a little over a year ago and everyday it gets a little worse. People on here are always telling me that it gets better with time, and I really hope it does, but I try not to think about the future and just focus on the here and now. Justtrying is right, some days are definitely easier than others, although I wouldn't describe any of them as easy. There are days when I can't even get out of bed, and others where I can with minimal effort, it's just a day-to-day thing I suppose. I have found the people on here to be very supportive and full of helpful advice. Just don't be shy, throw yourself out there and you can meet some interesting people with interesting views on life. Mine are fairly...very...negative, but to each his own, right? Anyways, I'm always here if you need to talk.<br />
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Resem9<br />
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PS: Justtrying is right, this really is a terrible club...

It does suck, you're right. It's been almost two years since I lost my husband and yes, it's still painful. But I'm like you -- I put on a brave front and can do that most of the time. But things will set me off and the tears just come. I'm surprised by what will. In my more lucid and practical moments, I try to remember this. When we took our wedding vows, we promised to love each other "until death do us part." Well, we did and then death did part us. So we held up our end of the bargain and now it's up to me to live the rest of my life, not forgetting, but being the best person I can be without being part of a couple. Sometimes it's hard and oddly sometimes it's easy. I never lived alone in my life before -- got married right out of high school. But I can honestly say that it's better now than two years ago, better than one year ago, and hopefully it does get better with time. I'm sure that's an individual thing and maybe it'll be better for you in a year. I plan my breakdown days -- take the day off of work, boo-hoo my eyes out and get it out of my system for awhile. Better than being on the verge. Good luck, this is a terrible club we joined, didn't ever want to or even thought of being in, but it happened. Now what can we do but honor our loved ones and then honor ourselves by going on and living our life.