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Will I Ever Feel Good Again?

My husband, who was my high school sweetheart, died three years ago after battling a brain tumor. I have never been the same since. We have two children who are ages 9 and 8 and I still want to crawl into a hole because I feel like I have nothing anymore. Yes I have my children, but that is not enough. I just want to die.
Jaymom Jaymom 31-35, F 45 Responses Nov 4, 2007

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I have recently lost my husband of 20 years. I miss him more than words can say. We did everything together. I go home now to an empty house and wonder what is next? the constant crying is unbearable everywhere I turn I just miss him so much.

Hi I understand, I started to write something every time I think about him. It helps at first I could only write a few words. Today it\'s a sentence plus one word. Hang in there and all I can say is take it sec by sec min by min hour by hour day by day

my husband also had brain cancer he died on 02/07.2013 and i know just how you feel i have lost my soul mate i lost my mom 6 months to the day i lost my husband so i feel like i have lost everything good in my life i talk to him all the time. i just want to hold him again

I see that some time has past since this writing. I do hope that your thoughts have changed. You have sooo much to live for. Be encouraged.

BW

there is no pain on earth i suppose other than losing a child i guess hurts more my husband died sept 22nd 2004 i still grieve i feel some time my life has no meaning dont want to get up in the morning i let my insurance laps on our house it burnt down now i have nothing all those memories god devistating brought it all back dont knw how ill make it

Breathe and take one day at a time. Just do not give up.

I know....

No you do not want to die. You will not be able to understand since my kids are 28 and 31, but I do feel your pain with young children. I lost my father very young......... Life is so complicated and I wish I could give you a hug to keep you focused. I am only 14 months of my loss, I cannot imagine you are still in pain. I wish you so much more. Wish I could be your friend and help you.

Your husband would not want you to even think that way . You have two beautiful children that he left you the honor of taking care of . Hold your head up high you were loved .

I just lost my husband of 43 years in May. I am devastated. I don't know how I can go on without him. Life is just so sad. I am 65 so I don't even imagine that there is any future to look forward too. Just life without my best friend, which is pretty close to unbearable. Please try to take care of your children and live for them. They still have so much ahead of them, and they need you.

where are you from. I need a friend. I think 30 yrs is painful, cannot imagine.

I consider my life over when my husbad of 43 years passed away two years ago. I started writing a journal of my new life events to recall all I did. I called my recovery my 2nd life. It was a dating frenzy for a year, something I never did because I was married at age 18. I am now in my third life as I met my current boyfriend and we will take vows under God eyes, not legally soon. I am a different person in some ways than I was when I lost my spouse. There was a book called Passages that described many life stages. Life evolves and I evolved differently than I ever dreamed. I fould someone in many ways alike and many ways quite opposite from my husband. It hurts to look backwards to recall my first life and I try to avoid doing much of that.

Update to my life 1 1/2 yrs later. I find time makes the hurt more distant. I still get tears when I have to listen or relate to a moment of our life in the past. It hurts but I can recover easier. My bf and I split a month ago and the loneliness got overwhelming, it seemed so final. I realized that while I could never bring back my husband, I could reconnect with my bf. We have a better understanding of sharing our lives together and will try harder to move together as a couple. I know that someday my life will end and I need to be as happy as possible until then.

I have not lost anyone to death..but I feel that it is me....I am a good hearted person who met someone that is a metal abuser....I can't beleive that I have put myself into this postion and I just can't get out. The way that they control your mind is incrediable. I miss me and what I was. My kids hate him and so do I. I want a miracle to happen...I want to not be dead but alive for there is so much that I want to do.........C

I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer May 19, 2010. We would have been married 36 years. I just feel like I just don't care anymore. I have 2 children and 1 grandchild but they also have their lives. Their very good but it doesn't fill the hurt and loneliness i feel all the time. I am back n school and thought that would help but there is still that ache in my heart.

I read your story and would like to say I'm sorry for your loss of a loved one. I am widowed too. Some days I feel the same but I go on just for my children. I have to dig way down to get the strength to put on a positive outlook on things just for them.So even if you don't think you can go on, your children need you more than ever. I use the quite alone time to reflect on my feelings. There are good people on EP that you can talk to. It seems to make it easier for me. Take care and remember, your children needs you.<br />
Tim

I understand your pain, feeling like you don't want to go on without him. I have been there many, many days. But please don't give up. I don't have children like you and the other ladies here that commented. So I don't know that experience. I think what everyone said about making a decision to change your life is really good advice. But it will only happen when you feel strong enough. I sympathize with you because I go though the same thing. Just don't take anything in life for granted. I know it is difficult. The best of luck to you. I hope you find your way soon.

Hi There,<br />
I read your story and understand how you feel.<br />
That is exactly how I am feeling right now.<br />
I got married at a tender age of 20 and my husband 23. We actually grew up together becoming man and woman and I know him like I know myself.<br />
Loving someone truly for what he/she is and not for whom he/she may be takes a long time. You get to except him/her the way he/she overlooked his/her disadvantages.<br />
I spent six remarkable years with my husband until he was taken away from me unexpectedly on 07/12/10 leaving me and our three year old son behind.<br />
And it aches everyday, cos I have planned my whole life with him. He was my rock, my shelter, my comforter and my lover. He actually meant the whole world to me. <br />
And now I feel it is just a waste of time to start another relationship cos it takes a lot of time and effort to come to really love and know someone like you know yourself and to start all over again I feel is just a waste.<br />
But than I always keep the good memories alive and just looking at his son grow and love me in return reminds me that his love for us still remains and will forever linger.<br />
<br />
xox PED xox 12/01/11

Hi There,<br />
I read your story and understand how you feel.<br />
That is exactly how I am feeling right now.<br />
I got married at a tender age of 20 and my husband 23. We actually grew up together becoming man and woman and I know him like I know myself.<br />
Loving someone truly for what he/she is and not for whom he/she may be takes a long time. You get to except him/her the way he/she overlooked his/her disadvantages.<br />
I spent six remarkable years with my husband until he was taken away from me unexpectedly on 07/12/10 leaving me and our three year old son behind.<br />
And it aches everyday, cos I have planned my whole life with him. He was my rock, my shelter, my comforter and my lover. He actually meant the whole world to me. <br />
And now I feel it is just a waste of time to start another relationship cos it takes a lot of time and effort to come to really love and know someone like you know yourself and to start all over again I feel is just a waste.<br />
But than I always keep the good memories alive and just looking at his son grow and love me in return reminds me that his love for us still remains and will forever linger.<br />
<br />
xox PED xox 12/01/11

The love of my life died on 13th August this year from cancer, he was nearly 84 years old but before the cancer struck he was fit and healthy. I loved him from a few months after we met in 1971, he was 44 and me 16 and everyone was against us. We were always there for each other and I could never look at another man because I KNEW that one day we would have a life together. 24 years ago we bought our house and spent the happiest years of my life. I have no children just 2 cats who we both love so much. Ken is everywhere I look in the house, everywhere I go everything I think about. I know this is because he is always with me, always in my heart. I cannot describe how I feel, I feel so alone and so unhappy. Every day is such an effort, as others have said I appear ok to everyone but inside I am always crying. When I am alone sometimes I cry and sometimes I feel to awful and too exhausted to cry. I cry out for him to come back to me but I know he never can. I can't believe that our life together is ov er although I DO know that it is. I KNOW i will never feel the same way again about anything, I will never be the same person, the light has gone out of my life and won't come back. Only one who has loved and lost that love as I have can ever understand how terrible it is. It is a comfort to know that there are so many others out there who are suffering in the same way as myself, although I know everyone feels the pain differently. I hurt all over all the time, my heart actually aches with wanting to touch him to hold him and to talk with him. I pray to god that one day I will be with him again in some way. I pray there must be more time with the man Iove so much.

The love of my life died on 13th August this year from cancer, he was nearly 84 years old but before the cancer struck he was fit and healthy. I loved him from a few months after we met in 1971, he was 44 and me 16 and everyone was against us. We were always there for each other and I could never look at another man because I KNEW that one day we would have a life together. 24 years ago we bought our house and spent the happiest years of my life. I have no children just 2 cats who we both love so much. Ken is everywhere I look in the house, everywhere I go everything I think about. I know this is because he is always with me, always in my heart. I cannot describe how I feel, I feel so alone and so unhappy. Every day is such an effort, as others have said I appear ok to everyone but inside I am always crying. When I am alone sometimes I cry and sometimes I feel to awful and too exhausted to cry. I cry out for him to come back to me but I know he never can. I can't believe that our life together is ov er although I DO know that it is. I KNOW i will never feel the same way again about anything, I will never be the same person, the light has gone out of my life and won't come back. Only one who has loved and lost that love as I have can ever understand how terrible it is. It is a comfort to know that there are so many others out there who are suffering in the same way as myself, although I know everyone feels the pain differently. I hurt all over all the time, my heart actually aches with wanting to touch him to hold him and to talk with him. I pray to god that one day I will be with him again in some way. I pray there must be more time with the man Iove so much.

I lost my husband eight years ago now. And its true the pain never goes away completely but it does get easier. He was my first love and we had been reunited for just over four years when he passed away suddenly after being apart for over twenty seven years. I'm so glad we had at least a little time together before he died. I am now remarried to another wondeful man. But I still think about that first love often. My husband used to be jealous of the one who died because of our strong love for each other. But now says he is glad I had someone like him in my life to love and love me back. Best Maria.

Well, you can't die because you have children that are relying on you for just the basics. I'm so very sorry that your love was taken from you, I truly am. You and I have both lost our love, our children's fathers; but never will it be taken for granted that you have a wonderful future just as I do with our kids. I can't tell you why our men are gone but, I can tell you that we are here and with thier children too, so we must ask God for strength daily and go to therapy and cry and sometimes scream or break something. But, never should we entertain the thought of dying. Where would our precious children be then? Please talk with someone who can help you through this. I've been crying for 10 years already and my thoughts will never entertain that I too should be gone. I would hate to think of what would happen to my child. Please write back, maybe we can work this out together. My son is now 16 he lost his Daddy when he was 6. He's doing much better than I am honestly, but that's how children are, resiliant. But, because we are left to be both Mother and Father and take care of the house, the kids, the bills, the this, the that we stress out. That is why we need an outlet, and this I feel is an appropriate outlet to start with. But, professional help will have to be taken into serious consideration. Please keep talking about this, together we can help eachother. I'm so sorry for your pain. Please know that I will pray for you.

I feel your pain too. I lost my husband of 8 yrs almost a year ago. We have a 6 yr old. My heart hurts and I cry everyday. My husband died suddenly from complications with his heart. I didnt even know he had any health problems. It is very difficult to go on. Since he died, secrets have been revealed and I am an outcast to his family. I basically have no support as people dont understand my pain......They make comments about him like- mean people dont live long etc. Nobodys perfect.......I still love him. I talk to him sometimes in hopes that he can hear me. I tell him that I love him very much and I thank him for being my husband. I also forgive him for other things. I let him know that I must find a way to be happy and move on and still hold the love in my heart for him. I will always carry him with me. Sometimes I give my son a kiss or hug from daddy. I remind him how how much dad loves him and he is watching over us from a different place now. Everyday is a challenge and I am very sad. I cry in the car and at night most times. I know that I must find joy in life again and thank God for bringing him into my life for as long as I had him. I still wear my wedding ring. I still dream of him sometimes. I will continue to grieve as long as my heart hurts but I have to find happiness again. I dont want to stay in a place of sadness and sorrow. Even though I am there now, I look forward to the day that I can smile again........until we meet again.<br />
Trust in God to help you through. Your babies need you and you deserve to be happy. Make a decision to be happy again despite your pain and hopefully the clouds will start to clear. Maybe we can all focus on helping others and that may lesson our sorrow. This is not an easy road but we have to get through this. Together we can do it. May God bless and comfort all the widows/widowers out there. Lots of love and hugs to you.

It is a strange feeling to take off the engagement and wedding rings. When I removed mine it became a visible reminder that I was alone, unloved, cold and never to be the same as I was. My empty finger was a worldly symbol of loneliness, a step I had to take if I were to ever move forward. It allowed me to try to live a new different life. Life changes and I accept the change till we meet again.

You best bet will be to TALK to someone, and I know how hard that is, your friends and people around you are living their own lives and they don't even want to THINK about losing their spouse so they wont want to talk to you about that.<br />
<br />
Theres really only one person I can talk to in my life and that is a woman I'm fairly close with at work who's husband died 4 years ago and she also has herself and the kids to support. I'm a young guy, 31, and my wife died 4 years ago at the age of 25(having cancer on and off since 19) so no kids for me.<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't know what you believe but the bottom line is you should think.. " Would my husband WANT me to be like this? to do this?" you already know the answer when you ask that question, use it as your guide.<br />
<br />
<br />
As for feeling good again, you will always have scars from this , but you can move on and find as much happiness as possible, thats YOUR decision though.

I too feel your pain. I too lost my husband of 21 years suddenly July 30. We met and dated in Junior High then circumstances brought us apart. But in 1988 we found our way back and in 1989 we married. I was the happiest person in the world. He also was my best friend, soul mate, partner in crime, lover. Half of me is gone forever. I too feel like I can't go on without him. I have no children but 2 small adorable yorkies. Sometimes I feel like if it wasn't for them I honestly dont know what I would do. Everyone tells us we will heal in time. The trouble is you seem to only think of all the good times and that just seems to make you cry more. I pray for you that you can get through this as I pray I can get through. My heart goes out to all of you who has lost someone dear. Lots of Hugs for everyone.

Dear One<br />
Thats about journey of life. I lsot my Mom when just 3 months, at the same time dad moved away laeving me alone with maternal granny and then when I was just 15 she left for heavenly abode. But that gave me different strength, Today I am a writer, a teacher helping hundreds like me to educate. Search a purpose, bodies die not the souls they are still with us feel them on astral plane. Every moment of Life has purpose. Ask God what purpose He has send you on earth. Live with those cherished memories not sorrows. May God bless you.

I have never lost a husband. A girlfriend of mind just lost her husband unexpectedly. I need to tell you what I told her...just take one minute by minute, then those minutes become days, then weeks, then months, etc and live each to the fullest....it will get better with time...promise. It may take one two or three years. Grief is different for everybody. But believe that it will hurt less as time goes on. That is not to say that it will never cause you sadness or sorrow...it will..but it will loose its intensity with time. Take care all of you who are grieving.

My feelings are your feelings. My husband passed away unexpectedly on 21 June 2009. He was 54, going strong and healthy, enjoying every aspect of his life. We had been together for 27 years. We were so close. He was my husband, lover, best friend and soul mate. He used to tell me to enjoy my life to the fullest until my time comes even after he was gone first, but I can't enjoy life without him. Everything is numb, void and meaningless. Kids - 20yrs old son and 17yrs old daughter - are trying to be strong and going back to normal life, but struggling with roller coaster emotions and just enormous sadness and anger. It's also so painful to watch them suffer like that. So unfair. I am so scared that this endless darkness will never end. I loved him so much and I miss being with him.

My husband died June 20th 2009. We have a 2 year old and a 3 year old. He was my soul mate best friend and team mate. I hate going thorugh life without him, if it weren't for my girls, i would have followed him gladly. Every second of every day hurts, i feel your pain. I can't find pleasure in anything, i just can't wait the rest of my life to see him again. I miss him so much.

I so not know how you feel because I have never been married, but just trust in God because he will see you and your children. Maybe if you move on there might be another wonderful man out there for you and your kids. There is such a thing called a miracle! God does work wonders!

I so not know how you feel because I have never been married, but just trust in God because he will see you and your children. Maybe if you move on there might be another wonderful man out there for you and your kids. There is such a thing called a miracle! God does work wonders!

I feel the same way. I'm functioning but feel very resentful of just about everything and everybody. Agood friend of mine just had it happen to her and Iwill try to be there for her.

I am very ill, and I don't know how long my life will go on but my biggest wish to my husband is that he is not sad when I die and I would wish, that he will find another women when I am gone. I am sure that your husband feels/felt the same. He want's to see you happy and I am sure that for him it is very sad seeing you like this (I mean in his world). Try to make a new beginning, he stands behind you and I am sure he wispers into your ear that you should go on and try to be happy again. You are not alone.

I lost my John also to a braintumor a year ago April. I still can't find my way..I miss him terribly, he was my life.<br />
I feel I have nothing to look forward to except seeing him again.<br />
Children are grown and not handling my grief...only theirs..in their own selfish way. I left my home state and am trying to cope everyday.....I keep thinking I will wake up from this horrible nightmare...or not. Anyone feel this desperate?

Okay, just to add to that, yes I believe in the afterlife and I feel he is with me still...

Okay, I'm new here and I have to say that my little one, my boy was the one who pull me through, although he was well too young to understand. Well, basically, my hustband died in a car crash as I was having a c-section with our first. I know it sounds dramatic! He wanted to have been there with me, told my best firend... Noone could tell me to begin with because they fear something would go wrong with my physically if they did. I miss him so much but my boy managed to pull me through. Trust your kids, they will and they should have happy lives. With me is funny because history repeated itself, my husband lost both his parents in a car accident also when he was 5 so I keep telling my son that if his dad could make it psycyhologically so can both of us! Hugs xxx

my childhood love after 26 yrs. died from long illness too...now a 13 son and 22 daughter...still not enough either. even grandmother of special baby....no friends since they went away when he "went" crazy from meds. am 50 now, quit work now don't know where to work. lost. lost.

Hi,<br />
I lost my dear huband of 23 years 9 yrs. ago in a drowning accident while snorkling in hawaii on our vacation.Even though 8 yrs, it feels like yesterday.It changes you for ever in so many ways,every day is an effotr to try to feel ok.hope to find happyness again.

I lost mine this year. !!/9/08. My life will never be the same. We have been together since high school "71

I lost mine this year also. 9/09. It's been a night mare. But I get a lot of comfort reading Sylvia Brown's books. She has a lot of good books and the one I'm reading right now is called Blessings From The Other Side.
Hope this helped.

I want my husband back so badly and still do. I lost him in very different circumstances. I never got to say goodbye or say that I loved him very much. He was hit by a semi truck. And at that time we were having problems, which every relationship does. He was taken so quickly and I am glad he didn’t sufferer. Every day for a year I cry and beg to the lord to bring him back. When I dream of him I want to just stay in that dream and be with him. I went back to work after 3mouths of mourning, my father kick me in the *** and thank heaven because at that time I needed that kick. I go though the motions of being all right at work and as soon as I start the 20 min drive home I think of him and cry all the way home. As I get into the door I am bombarded by my very old rottie (zeus) and rays mutt of a dog named damn dawg. My eyes dry up long enough to say hi and feed them. Then I sit in his chair and start up again just before I go to bed. As I start to wake from a dream about ray good or bad, I fight so hard to stay asleep so I can spend just one more minute with him. By the time I do finally get up out of bed its late and I have to hurry and get ready for work and the day starts all over again. I feel as though I will never get out of this ground hogs day feeling. Everyday is almost the same day and I am stuck. I think this felling of guilt I have is so over whelming some days its hard to stay here. Unanswered questions about his death keep going though my mind. The police said he committed suicide I don’t believe it. Did he love me? Does he know how sorry I am? Will we be together again? Why can’t I move on? Will I ever be in love like that again? I could go on and on about how much I hate the holidays and I want to with him, but you all understand where I am coming from.

I lost my husband last year after 28 years of marriage. We met in the December of 1979 and married in September 1980. After a couple of years we had our first daughter and not long after our next. I love my girls dearly, but oh how I miss my husband. Just sitting here typing this has me in tears, I find it so hard to be here. I go to work, act as though I am managing but inside I just feel numb. I want him back so much. He died after going through two years of chemo, stem cell replacement and radiation. He dealt with it so bravely and it hurts so much that after that he still died. My daughters are wonderful as is my sister and friends. But and it is a big but, the only person who can make me feel whole again is him and I hate it so much that he is not here. Do I sound selfish?

Hi..<br />
<br />
My husband and soulmate died 8 years ago, so I've been there... I can tell you that there were days the only reason I had for getting up in the morning was to take care of the cats... and only then because they insisted. It WILL get better, hon, but it'll take time. The truest thing I ever read was a comment on WidowNet.. a wonderful resource, BTW -- "the pain doesn't go away, you just get used to it"<br />
<br />
This doesn't mean you give up; it means you go on anyway. Someone else said you make a conscious decision to be happy and that sounds just about right to me. <br />
<br />
For myself, I made that decision one day because I was just so tired of grieving and being miserable and crying at the drop of a hat -- that gets very old very quickly, but I think you do have to get all the pain out before you can make that decision. <br />
<br />
BTW.. that link is www.widownet.org. This is a support bulletin board for folks who've lost their life mate, married or otherwise. No, I don't work for 'em, but they were invaluable to me in those first horrible months, and I'm still friends w/ a lady I met on WidowNet. <br />
<br />
Hang in there and hold on tight, hon ((( hugs ))) <br />
<br />
Peace, comfort & courage..<br />
Momcat2

When my mother passed away suddenly, I was completely grief stricken. My daughter was only 13 and I subsequently left my husband. I met a new, wonderful man and re-married. I realized that when my mom passed away, I wasn't ready to be the matriarch of the family, my daughter was still young. I was only in my thirties and I was left to care for a father with Alzheimer's. I never thought I would make it, but I did. When my dad passed away three years later, with me at his side, I learned how to handle death a little better. His death was expected and he had become a shell of the man I had admired as a child. I saw him simply close his eyes and drift away. It was hard, but I still found solace in the fact that he was at rest. Now, I am just barely three months removed from my 29-year-old husband's tragic and senseless death. So much loss in such a short time period. There are some days that I feel I will never get over this - then I see my kids and realize that I am still blessed. I am finally ready to be the matriarch of the family. On those days that you feel you can't move on, just hug your children tight and feel their love and devotion. They will eventually bring new things into your life. You'll eventually be a mother-in-law (as I just became) and eventually will have grand-children to look forward to (which I hope to see in the next few years). There is more in store for you. Just remember that, for now, you are all your children have left, but you need them as much as they need you. Good luck and God Bless.

I feel your pain I lost my husband 2 months ago. I have a 5 year old and I'm 7 months prego. with our first. I understand about you wanting to crawl in a hole and die. I do too! Maybe all of us widows can stick together and make it through these hard depressing times.

I am a widow my story is here. If you ever wnt to chat let me know.

Jaymom,<br />
My husband died a year ago Monday. I do understand. <br />
You wrote your note a while ago, so I hope by now things are better.<br />
Life does give us the opportunity to be happy again if we choose to decide to be. Just this week I decided I needed to work at being happy again. It is not a switch, but a decision. We cannot wait for life to change we must change it. It will do it's fair share of throwing things at us, and we have to keep ducking and come out swinging. I've spent a year crying and looking at life from a place of the deepest sadness. I just know that I was suppose to be happy and do more, even though things have not gone the way I thought they might. I lost eleven pregnancies and now my husband of 22 years. I'm mad, but compared to so many -- I have so much. I hope you can see that too. Take care of yourself.<br />
Hope you're in a new place.

Hay Jay, that is very sad. you have a difficult situation that I could not even imagine. You will find some support on EP.

I can't say that I know exactly how you feel. I've had relatives pass away, but none as close as what's happened to you. However, I really hope you find the strength you need to carry on, if not for yourself, then for your kids. <br />
If you ever feel the need to talk, then I'm sure there are people here on EP (myself included), who'd be only to happy to listen.<br />
I sincerely wish you and your family all the best, Paddo.