I have just realised that friends i am trying so hard to keep, dont want to be my friend, they were his friends and although they promised to always be here for me and the kids i think now that time has passed, 14 months, they are left with me. I believe they loved my husband and valued his friendship but they would not choose me as a friend.
I was very hurt when i realised this, but through this clarity comes peace, instead of being upset at being excluded from things i need to learn to accept that they dont want me there, let it go and move on with my own friendships. i know my girlfriends would loose touch with by husband if the situation was reversed, so i need to accept reality and stop trying to force myself on them, sure i can be polite when i see them but i have to stop getting upset when they dont invite me over with other people as they would have if my husband had not died
His death just keeps changing my life, the ripple effect through everything is now showing itself
I remember saying to a friend just before my husband died that i love my life, how cocky that now sounds
i hate my life now, but onward we must go and survive as best we can