Thinking About Our Past, Wishing I Could Change Some Things.

I don't even know how to begin.  What do I say?  I am a widow, alone in this big old house with 2 dogs and a gun by my side.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna hurt myself, it's just that in our 15 yrs of marriage, I never spent one night here without him.   He passed away on Feb. 12, 2010 and left me behind, I know he is waiting for me in heaven. 

That man loved me with all his heart, sometimes I felt like it was too much and I needed to get away.  I would go and stay with the kids and grandkids or with my parents and he would stay here to take care of the dogs.  I was happy to go, but I was also happy to come home.  I always knew he would be at home, waiting on me.  But guess what?  Now I walk in the door and no one is here.  Oh, the dogs are happy to see me, but even they know that he is gone.  They have quit looking for him and stay at my heels every minute.  Even right now, I look down at my side and they are sitting there looking up at me.  (Well, Taylor is looking at me, Samson is curled up on his pillow.)

It just hasn't seemed real.  It's like I was at someone else's funeral, I kept turning my head, expecting him to be at my side.  People hug me and let me know they are here if I need anything, at first I wonder what they are talking about, then it hits me.  I am the widow.  The one who is left alone to carry on.   I sat in the church pew on Sunday, pretending he just stayed home that day.  The children and grandchildren have all gone back to their homes.  I sit here at the computer and expect him to walk in the door wondering what's for supper. Now what? 

I keep thinking, if only this...if only that..., but the big question in my mind is..."Did he know how much I loved him?"  I don't think I showed my love for him enough.  I just hope and pray that he knew how I felt, how I really felt about him.  Sometimes words are not enough.  I wish I would have shown my love for him in more ways.  I wish I would have taken more time to listen to him and dream with him about our future plans.

stemple stemple
41-45, F
3 Responses Feb 24, 2010

i know what your feeling, i lost my best friend, my soul mate to cancer January 25, 2009, she was only 47, and i haven't gone home one time in that soon to be two years, that i don't still look for her to be behind that door, or in the next room, i still talk to her when i am in the house, still tell her i love her, and tell her good night every night. I don't need to tell you how to get by, i have all ready read it in your blog, it is in Christ, and He and only He, can get you through, i will be praying for you, your brother in Christ Jesus, jbl.

I'm sorry for your loss, yes he knew how much that you loved him, and he know the hurt and loneliness that you are going throuh now. He might not be her in the flesh for you but he's still there in the spirit. God Bless you.

my prayers are with you, i ask myself that all the time. now what? who am i now? how long till it's my turn? but i am sure he knew how much you loved him, just by your actions alone every hug every kiss is saying i love you. and somehow we have to be strong and figure out how to make a difference in this world while we are still here. to have a purpose in life. if you want to talk anytime i'm a pretty good listener. marcye