Needed

I posted as a blog... but wanted to share here as well.



 



I have yet another emotion that no one has ever mentioned.

No web page, that I have noticed when speaking of the stages you go through....

So how do you deal with the natural feelings and desire of sex?



I have been having problems as if it were day one again at times.

my nights have yet again become endless

like last night I went to bed when I normally am stretching... to awaken for the day.

Having lost health insurance the day he passed, I know I wont be able to see my doctor again.

so I have avoided taking the diazepam that so helped me sleep.

I have 4 pills left to last me till god knows when.

well, I found a bottle of oxyocodone, I took one of those and still stayed away all night

I have one left of those.

eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk

Anyway... so my thoughts are always filled with him...

his memory of even the smallest of things

the snow in places have melted and I can see parts of my backyard again.

while taking the trash out... the picnic table

just flooded my mind with memories

standing by the microwave warming up my chilled coffee

can bring me to tears with memories



but

the thoughts of how he would make love to me

how he would touch me.

I never let a man taste me

before him.

and I loved how he made me feel

he knew how to make love to me

Getting myself overly excited

I wanted to release the sexual urges that wasn't letting go of my mind

and body. Feeling completely swollen and days of being wet.

but

and ended up crying

sobbing

I knew I would never feel the pleasure he gave me

how his hands knew just where and how to touch and caress me

how he knew the right pressure to suck or lick

he knew how to hold my body while he made love to me

and knew just when I needed his mouth to cover mine and breath for me.



I'm learning about this widows world

a lot is hard to understand

and perhaps, one doesn't need to understand it all

but how to cope

is needed
PassarellisLove PassarellisLove
41-45, F
2 Responses Feb 28, 2010

I have'nt had anyone touch me for 3yrs and even thought I think about our lives together of which sex was a big part. Those feelings seem to have died with him because right now I can't imagine holding another mans hand let alone getting physical with them. <br />
<br />
Maybe in time my feelings will change but I don't think so. Glen was, is and always will be the love of my life our souls are one there will be no one else.

i agree the lack of contact physically that is just gone, <br />
i was with my husband for 27 years since 16, no one else has ever touched<br />
me sexually <br />
the thought makes my skin crawl<br />
but can i go on forever, i am only 44, never being made love to again?<br />
i too am so tired<br />
my life is not what it was supposed to be