What Now?

I actually know that it will get better. My first wife died shortly before our twentieth wedding anniversary and it took a couple years for the agony to wane. Now my second wife has died just last month-we were together for 19 years, married for 15. I know that there will be good days and bad. I know that just when you think its getting better something hits you from out of the blue and knocks you into bed for a couple days. What I don't know is what now? I just hit my 60th birthday and don't have the strength I did 20 years ago. My wife was such a wonderful person-so giving, talented, intelligent. She was so perceptive-could read people like a book-I used to come home and tell her about stuff that happened at work and she was more perceptive from my second hand account than I was having been there. Her advice was always right on. She was the best mother I ever knew-and loyal-you couldn't have anyone fighting for you better than her. be Just being with her was an honor and a privelege. I miss her so much. A friend said that I should try to imagine how she would want me to live and what she would want for me. That is going to be a long work in progress but it was the best advice. This was just so unexpected-I was supposed to die first and it is hard to imagine building a life without her.

chessguy chessguy
4 Responses Feb 16, 2009

I am truly sorry for your loss-I wish I had some words of wisdom for you and your family-there really aren't any-we all have to make our own way....I can absolutely guarantee one thing though-IT WILL GET BETTER. I don't know how or when-but, it will. Every day that you open your eyes the agony will be a little less, you'll be able to smile a little more. Some days something will hit you like a ton of of bricks and there will be some "backsliding"-but, two days later you will have more strength to carry on. I know this because I've done it before and even though it hasn't diminshed the suffering for me ( I thought it would) I know we will get through it because that is what we do. We carry on. Just like we are supposed to. God or the universe or evolution (whatever you believe in) gives us that capacity and we have no choice but to take advantage of it. The hardest part for me is to admit it without feeling guilty or full of sorrow. I justify it by thinking that honestly that is what my loved one would have wanted for me. I know that is what I would have wanted for them if I died first. I know there is no comfort in what I am offering except the comfort that deep down you will know that this is the truth. I do. May God bless you and your family and I pray that together you will find some peace. I am still on that path.

I'm feeling it. My wife of 20 years died two months ago. Me and my kids are screwed up. We don't know how to talk to each other. We are kinda going through life on a conveyor belt, with no aim, no goals, no ambition, no purpose. Just being. It sucks.

I just found this site today and your story because I hit something called random that connected me to your story. All I can say is that you must be special to have been loved by such a wonderful wife. I wish there was something more I could say but I can't except I do think sharing on this site can help. I'm sorry you are going through this pain.

I just joined this site. Your question is the exact same one I've been asking myself since my husband died 3 weeks ago. We were supposed to grow old together and die together. Now I have to start all over again.