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Am I A...wolf...?

Hi everyone. I read most of your stories before I decided to write my own...because...its difficult for me to put all my thoughts into words. And I must say, I'm really relieved that there are others like me...and I'm really excited to get to know you all. :)  Please keep in mind that I speak the truth and nothing but the truth...and the things I'm writing here are things that I have never talked about to any person. This is...my secret.

Ever since I can remember, I've always had a hard time socializing with people.  I absolutely HATED school. I went through 12 years of it, hardly speaking a word to anyone. I always felt out of place there, like I didn't belong. Till this day, I only have a small handful of friends. And I still feel awkward when I talk to people even though I don't really know why... And for some reason, I've always thought that I would die young. I don't know why but I've just always had that feeling. I'm surprised that I have lived as long as I have. ...This may or may not have anything to do with me being a wolf but I have these strange memories...from a time that I cannot remember. Just short flashbacks to places that I've been to but I can't remember where those places where or how I got to be there. One time, I described those places to my parents, hoping they remembered it better but... they had no idea what I was talking about. ...Strange...

Unlike some of you...I can't say I have cool dreams where I'm a wolf but a year or two ago I had a dream where I was with this boy. I didn't recognize this boy but I had the sense that we've been friends for a long time. Sometimes I would see this boy as a human and sometimes I would see him as wolf. And I felt so happy in that dream, it seemed so real. I only really saw him in that one dream but I have had other dreams where I would be somewhere and I can sense others with me but I can't get a good look at who they are. Besides that, I've been noticing some weird things about myself lately. Now I'm not saying that I can actually turn into a wolf or anything but...sometimes when I close my eyes...I really do feel like I am a wolf. I can feel my tail wag when I'm excited, I can feel my ears on top of my head twitch and turn when I'm listening, and I can feel my fur rise and bristle when I'm scared or angry. This is gonna sound stupid but I swear, this one time, I was sitting in a dark room and I could see my hand in the corner of my eye...and my hand looked like a silver wolf paw! Of course, when I actually looked at my hand, it was normal but...for that split second it really did look like a paw. I've always felt a connection to the forest as well. Quite often, I will look out the window in the middle of the night and see the moonlight spreading over the land. When I see that, I always get restless and I feel myself wanting to run around out there. And I growl A LOT. Sometimes I'll catch myself growling at people in public. I feel weird doing that but sometimes I can't help it...sometimes I just have to growl. I've howled before too, just to see what it was like. I rarely get a chance to howl loud and proud but the one time that I did...it felt awesome. It just felt right, ya know? I wanted to howl more but...I didn't want my neighbors to call the fuzz or anything. XD Now I do this weird howl when I know there are people around and I can't howl loudly. Its kind of like a whispered howl. I will do my whispered howl whenever I'm really happy, really excited, or really sad or angry. Its quiet but it helps get some of my emotions out...
I also went through this phase where I would bite myself a lot. I usually did this when I was...upset by something. I would bite down really hard too...I actually chipped a part of my tooth just by biting myself! I don't bite myself very often anymore but sometimes I still get the urge to. Whenever that happens, I will dig my fingers into...a cushion or something, kinda like what an animal would do...digging their claws into the ground when they're frusturated. And sometimes when I'm playing with my dog, I will suddenly get the urge to pounce on him and nip his neck. I know it can't be normal for someone my age to want to do that, so I stop myself. But I always want to play rough. I can feel power burning inside of me that wants to be let out but I control myself because I don't want to hurt anyone.

Please don't judge me for what I'm about to say...I feel ashamed to admit this... but... I'm 21 years old now...and yet I don't have a job and I never had any plans to go to college. I just don't think I would fit in there and...I have...issues with society in general. I do not own a car either. I could definatly use one but honestly, I prefer to walk places rather than ride. Sighs...I know what you're thinking. You probably think I'm just another spoiled girl who makes excuses so she doesn't have to contribute to society. I know...I'm useless... I want to make something of myself but I just feel...lost right now. I don't know what I'm going to do in my life and honestly...I'm not even sure I know what I am anymore...I'm just drifting along and going with the flow of things now but that doesn't seem to be taking me anywhere. It's like everyday is the same thing! My life is going no where! Maybe if I embrace my wolf instincts, things will change but i don't know. If any of you have any advice for me or just wants to chat, I'll be happy to talk to you.
HoundoomHeart HoundoomHeart 22-25, F 17 Responses Feb 27, 2011

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I feel you, great story. I get all of this too. When im around my dog I feel I can read her mind, connect with her I get a well... As you could call it a canine instinct. Even when I open the window at night I get excitement from the crisp air outside. I will research further on this.

plz any one that wants to save our kind or yours join us

great story. i also feel the same way about the wolf thing, and what the people said up there. Your like...the chick version of me. LOL. im the same way. Im still trying to deal with society, but were no different from everybody else. Well, maybe the wolf thing but other then that...Were all human beings. :)<br />
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and yes, sometimes its tough trying to survive in society...but at least in the wilderness, we don't have to worry about hunters and poachers. sheesh. were in human form now :D

plz join us

Lolz cool! You have a point about the being human thing. Being human has its advantages. And it is a relief not to have to worry about hunters and such. Thanks for the reminder ;D

Heheheh. Alright, I'll give it a shot. Thanks for your advice, Straywolf. I appreciate it very much. ^_^

your not useless at all, your soul is just getting a little confused with it's first time in a human form, well if it is your first time eheheh, what i'm saying is your not and never will be alone, there are a lot of people with simaler expeiriences so it's actually considered normal to some of us, when i see a full moon i feel like sitting on the roof and howling my head off all night, i also growl at people lol it's why most consider me a freak but i don't mind, and out of all the people i have met in my life, lol i only have 3 friends, i don't feel very comfertable around other people either, so your not alone in these thoughts and expeiriences, so don't worry, just go by your ideals and follow your own path, you'll find whatever your searching for, every one gets the chance to shoot, so just shoot. kay?

I know... Some of us may have been wolves in our past lives who have been reincarnated into humans. And we may have the souls of a wolf but nevertheless, we're all stuck with these human bodies of ours...

You are not really a wolf, but you feel that way because at heart you share characteristics with them, as do I and the others in this group.

Thank you Swiftfalcon240, I totally agree with you. And it really helps a lot knowing there are people who understand me. I always thought maybe I was ****** in the head for not fitting in with the rest of society. I'm gonna be completely honest... I'm not looking forward to getting a job at all. Mostly because I'm not a people person. I've recently put in applications in for several different jobs but no one wants to hire me. Its like they can all sense that I don't really want to be there... but I do need the money and I would like to feel useful somehow. The hardest part is changing my attitude. I'm used to putting on a friendly face and being polite and all but... I'm just not motivated enough to keep at it. I hate pretending... I wish I could just be me and not have to change in order to be a part of normal society

I am 20 and I do not own a car either. I also prefer walking over any car or bus ride most of the time. <br />
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In the summer I do a lot more walking too. I have also dug my nails into my brothers arm once but after that I started controlling myself more because I fear hurting people a lot. <br />
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I also have tried to consider college but I as well do not feel it would be of much help. Despite the fact I am super intellect I find it almost pointless and I do not understand humans and their society either. <br />
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I find they all categorize and use stereotypes and don't really look at the individual at all. And I hate the way humans organize and work. They are more ba<x>sed on stature and physical achievements on a piece of paper, then actual intellect and the person themselves.<br />
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Anyway I agree we need goals. I currently am going to try and get a job. Save and visit someone. I find that I've recently been so alone and bored with my lifestyle and need a new change. <br />
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Hope that it helps knowing you aren't alone. Take Care.

Yeah I agree it would be awesome if some of us could come together I would love to meet others like me I hear ya on feeling like your the only one.

lol. I know what you mean XD And I agree with ya there, man. I just wish I knew people who are like me and also live near me. I feel like the only...wolf person...in the state. It'd be awesome if all of us could come together and live as a real pack. But I guess having an online pack is almost just as good.

Yeah its funny when your halfway done with the hike and your friends are like wait up because they don't know where they are going and you hear them crashing around like crazy because something scared them while trying to catch up. It's good to know there are others out there like me I don't feel lost any more

Thanks for the comment, ShadowWolf43. I'm glad to hear that someone else has a strong connection with the forest as well. I too love going on night hikes by myself. I can't say my eyesights all that great but I have a way of navigating myself through darkness much faster and easier than my friends. They tell me I've got the eyes of a hawk XD But I don't think its my eyes...its something else...some kind of instinct? I'm not sure but its quite useful whatever it is. :3

You are not useless I also hate school sometimes I growl without realizing it too my ears also twitch when I'm listening my eyes change color and I have a strong connection to the forest I live on 70 acres of it I love the night my eyesight gets better too within 15 seconds

I understand. Thanks guys for reading my story! And thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I really appreciate your advice. I'm relieved to know that there are some kindred spirits out there who can understand me. I promise I'll take your advice to heart. Thanks again for all your support! <3<br />
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If anyone else wants to share their thoughts with me or add any more words of wisdom here, they are more than welcome ^.^

You're not useless, you're what I'd describe as aimless. I am not trying to insult you, I respect you as a human being, and you have your reasons as to why you're in the situation you're in now. Everyone is equal unless they're a ***** to others. You need some goals. I used to be in a similar situation! I don't like goals, I'm lazy, but I find reasons to complete them. For example, I didn't want to work, but I wanted money. You don't know what you want to be... same here. All you can do is be something, and if you don't like it, become something else. Being aimless would be torment. Are you mostly happy? It sounds a little boring and depressing to be stuck. If you get your teeth into something, it would be a lot better for your mental health.<br />
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I hated school as well, it is not for some people. What's your enneagram type? Your MBTI type? That MIGHT have something to do with it. For a 4 enneagram, school is probably hell. If you're a INFP or INTP, then school is horribly designed against you. Not so good for some other types as well... such as mine lol. Also, it would be interesting to know how you were brought up. Did you spend a lot of time alone, even at home? Sorry if that's ultra personal. I'm an only child, no siblings, and I spent a lot of time alone. I didn't interact too much with my parents, I preferred to be alone. My interests consume most of my life, and I'm happy with that. I'd rather learn than develop a lot of relationships.<br />
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Sorry I didn't comment much about the wolf connection, it is not my forte. I've read about therianthropy, yet my knowledge on the subject is painfully limited. It doesn't interest me enough, since I've become very content in the human shell, I've come into acceptance. My advice to you, is not to rush any spiritual development. It is not for everyone. Some people just live and die in concrete reality, I can respect that, since I cannot prove nor disprove my non-religious beliefs of magic.<br />
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However, I believe you are possibly experiencing the phenomenon acknowledged as "phantom limbs." I have this myself; for claws, it feels incredibly strange to type sometimes! You'll notice I say "might/may/perhaps" a lot. One thing psychology has taught me is never to be certain. I can't judge you badly since I feel detached from the world. I see the big picture. You are a part of society. You might not be contributing, but you might be helping others to contribute, and at least you're not selling illegal drugs or drinking money away. Although, who knows, maybe those things have to happen. We're all part of some bizarre cosmic whole. I'll assume people are positive until proven otherwise. I'm at the age where I think I know everything, but obviously I don't. Even although I have no idea who has the most life experience, I sometimes feel inferior to people older than me. *hides*

i bite often and dig my claws into things if you read one of my comments you can tell i AM weird yet i know that i have had many live as a wolf wolf-human and i want to go back to one of my lives as them i want to be a wolf again as an angel i know what i have to do its my desiny but i still hope my angel life and wind powers will get me through this my advice is stick to your belifes and i hope although its not all up to me i hope i can heal manys suffering with my powers yet when i am a wolf i will do all ii can to turn all wolf people back to normal but i cant do it all in my human form so i am not calling my self a hero please under stand and acept my most sincire apoligise (and my spelling sheesh) and i will try to help all the best i can yet again i am not trying to be a hero yet again signing off see ya