I Cannot Believe:

When I met my husband at 20, Sex from the beginning was fantastic, we tried loads of things, we did it all the time, we had fun. I would never have thought that 26 years later I would be in this position. I expected when we married to argue over children, money, work, holidays, petty things, large things - I never, never thought I would be in this position: angsting over NO SEX in my marriage.

I don't believe there is any way that one can anticipate how a long marriage will pan out.
I cannot believe that most marriages are meant to last the long haul - especially when you see on EP how many unhappy, sexless marriages there are.
I cannot believe that I am having an affair to replace the sex and intimacy missing in my marriage. I am still astounded that I have actually done this.

I will try and believe in a HEA - how ever it works out.

wisiwig wisiwig
46-50, F
12 Responses Jul 15, 2010

I am in the same boat. And after so many years, IT just happened. Ladies I work with started checking me out and I started checking them out, married or not and then it happened. We all met a few times at bars, going out to lunch together... and as loyal and true that I have always been to my wife, I couldn't believe in a million years that it happened.<br />
I have made out with a few ladies, kissing many times, and then had an affair with the company secretary... and it was like being a teenager again...I LOVED IT.<br />
It felt so good having another women want me. Something that hasn't happened in years.<br />
So if you don't have any intention of changing your relationship, going through all the separation and divorce procedings...stay together and have fun

i am new to ep and am still finding my way around ,i just cant believe what i am reading about so many husbands that are not interested in their wives when their wives want them.<br />
i live this life and have had thoughts of affairs but i would never want to be seperated from my son.<br />
my wife would prefer to drink wine and fall asleep watching tv than have any sort of sex life with me.<br />
there is nothing wrong physically with us she is just not interseted,she is aware it is a problem but does little about it .intimacy stopped years ago and i know she pretended to be warmer in the first 2 years ,i will keep on trying but i think its gone,it is not just sex, it is intimacy

@wisiwig - I think I'm going to hit you up for tips on how to start an affair. About ready for that now.

I just want intimacy and I will get it where I can. It is very sad that it has to be outside of the marriage but maybe if I am less angry with my H I can sort it out - who knows.

I don't get it unless your a dog how can your husbands not want to have sex with you. As a man I am turned on by agressive women (not overly aggressive). The idea of a woman coming on to me makes me crazy. I've tried talking to my wife but she is such a prude. I'v invited her to read books, but she won't I've tried to talk to here but we end up arguing. I don't want a divorce as we have children, but I'd have an affair at this point just to get some relief. I just want to be wanted. I know women are all too often ob<x>jectified sexually, but sometimes I'd like to feel that way too. <br />
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I guess my question is do you want intamacy with your spouse or do you just want intimacy? Believe it or not most men fantasize about almost every woman they see, and many would have a physical relationship with most of those women if given the opportunity.

You're writing that from what I think is a normal man's perspective. There are quite a few men who are using sex as a weapon or reward/punishment in some way, as a sort of adult "nya nya - you can't make me!", or dealing with a maddona/***** complex - coming from an idea of "Sex is dirty, so you wouldn't want to inflict it on the one you love."

In my sexless marriage, HECK YEAH I wanted intimacy. Sexual intimacy, but also by the end I wanted someone to touch me, do things with me, or even talk to me. At first I wanted sex with my husband, but eventually, I felt so... ugly and unwanted and undesirable, that I'd have accepted it with anyone, and at the same time I really didn't think it was available - anywhere.

My XH would just get embarassed if a woman would show interest in him - or if he found one he saw as attractive.

In southern parlance, "These boys just ain't right."

Is the lack of sex only a symptom of far greater issues? Might anger be a contirbutor to need? Just a gut.

Thank you for your comments - it comforts me and horrifies me in equal measure that there are so many of us out there going through this. I never wanted to be in this position. Maybe I have been odd in deciding the way to sort it out is to take a lover, but then again it feels so good at the moment. I will try and enjoy it for what it is. <br />
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Many of you are new to EP: over time you will find out what an amazing place it is. Full of people with wise, quirky and different ideas and advice. Take what you need, read and assimilate what is here and maybe, just maybe there will be a way out of your particular quagmire. Hugs<br />
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Please be kind to yourself, you are human with need for touch, affection, love. Living in a sexless marriage causes us to think of (or do) things we never would have considered otherwise. If one has a basic need for touch/intimacy, there is only so long one can suppress it. Or if it is endlessly suppressed it pops up in other ways -- such as soul crushing, being a shadow of oneself. You weren't born to be a martyr. Go easy and stay strong. Your path will become clear over time. Best - Y

Hi wisiwig, I am in the same boat as you. For years I didn't look at other men "that way"...now I find myself checking them all out and fantasizing about them! I'm having an affair too...not something I would ever have expected to do! Like you, I'm astounded that I'm doing this...astounded but not feeling at all guilty. It's not ideal but it works.

Oh me too. We've had no sex from the beginning. Before we got married we had sex a few times and it wasn't any good, but I thought it would get better. I thought we'd have fun working at it and spend our marriage learning how to please each other. But no. Before we married he was very attentive to me and affectionate, then right after the wedding - BAM! - I got nothing. Our wedding night was a big red flag. Our first year of marriage was a big red flag, but I ignored them because in the early years I wasn't willing to give up on our marriage so easily.<br />
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We had sex about 10 times a year the first 3 years. Then once or twice a year, then nothing for years and years. I turned into someone I never thought I would be. I was, and still am, so horribly frustrated and lonely.<br />
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He left about a year and half ago and I think our divorce will be final in a couple of months. It's been hard, and I'm so mad at myself for wasting all those years with him. But I do feel better (even though I'm still not getting any sex). Almost every day of our marriage, I felt deep painful anguish. I knew at the end of every day, I would not be heard. I would not be touched. I would not get any attention from him at all. When I had a bad day I didn't have anyone to talk to. But he would pour out every single thought he had in his head at me. Anyway, since he left I don't feel that anguish anymore. I'm starting to feel like myself again, but I've got a long way to go.

Enjoy. Simply enjoy.

Me either OMG! It is weird, I really was one of those wives who did not want to change him. He does have quite a few issues I decided I could live with. I was always told money was what most couples fight over and thus the reason for most divorces. But..... now I know it is SEX! I resorted to an affair to for no other reason than I felt I no longer had a choice. I look in the mirror and realize I could now have the "Scarlett A" on my forehead and it seems so unreal. Not disturbing but just unreal. <br />
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So IMO, enjoy your affair and if it leads to something different later on than so be it!