Weak Flesh

As a woman, I tend to battle with the usual self-image issues. As if that, in itself wasn't hard, I live with a Refuser which makes me view myself as ugly.
After all, if I was prettier or different in some way, he would find me attractive!
I have resigned myself to a life of celibacy in my marriage and now, I am filled with self-loathing.
Every time I feel a sexual urge, I just hate my body. It's weak and surrenders to the baser instincts!  Why can't I control it? If I didn't have the urges, things would be easier.
In moments of desperation, I have contemplated medication to reduce the need for any intimacy and even seriously considered hysterectomy.
I guess, a small part of me that still loves myself, has not allowed me to pursue these roads.
eternalhope eternalhope
41-45, F
11 Responses Jul 21, 2010

@max & @wisi - You are both right. I do have self esteem issues I need to sort out. But, that aside, it's taken me a long time but, I don't judge myself by my H's response to me anymore. (I confess there are weak moments!) I am loving myself and the happiness and confidence I feel has been noticed by my friends. I know there will be periods of 'relapse' but I'm working on it.<br />
And when the hormones rage again... well, let's say I'm contemplating more radical measures.

I have been there and done that. Three years ago I was wallowing in misery, unable to cope with the unhappiness and loneliness of my husbands lack of desire and attention. So I decided, for me, to loose the weight and sort myself out. The hormones are still there - but I feel better about myself and that makes dealing with the emotions slightly easier. I can't say it's better, just easier. Having a lover has helped and not helped in equal measure. It has given me confidence in me and my sexuality, but it has also brought to the fore all those suppressed desires and emotions. Don't give up on yourself - don't rely on your husband for your own self esteem - you are the most important person, and if you do anything do it for yourself and no one else. Good luck.

What I am about to say is very easily said, but downright difficult to do!<br />
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Go with the flow. Your urges and instincts are natural responses to your needs. How you let them control you is up to you. That said, you must give yourself a chance to be you! Find ways to make yourself feel good. When your hormones decide to rage, take advantage of the moment in the way you feel is most appropriate for you. <br />
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Do I take my own advice all the time, no. But I do try as hard as I can to make the best of my situation. As long as I feel good about me, I feel like I can do just about anything!<br />
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As I said, easy advice to give but so very hard to do.

@Callie - Thank you. Yes, I have recently made friends who have encouraged me and I've now gone on to lose weight and feel great! I feel confident and wonderful and don't care what my H thinks anymore.<br />
@rw - I'm also looking around and if someone else comes along who appreciates me.... who knows where things will go! NEVER SAY NEVER.

Calliegrant has some good ideas, you go girl, <br />
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To all the ladies on this thread<br />
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If your man does not appreciate you, find a man that will

WOW, I can completely sympathize with you. My husband said so many ugly things about me (while refusing sex) that I started to believe there was something wrong with me. I tried so hard to be beautiful for him, lose weight for him, do anything to make myself "more attractive" to him....even though he did not notice, other men did.... I started to get my "grove" back and see that it wasn't really about me...his comments and looks were to keep me down. I did end up having an affair and I felt soooo scared at first as it had been so long since I had been with another man...but he looked at me as if I was the most beautiful woman in the world...the way I longed for my husband to look at me... I guess what I am trying to say is to take care of you...find the beauty in YOU...do what makes YOU happy and don't care what he says. When I took an interest in me....and loved my imperfect body and became grateful for every functioning part of me THAT confidence and love shined through....By the way...I am the heaviest I have EVER been and I feel sexier than I have ever felt and get tons of attention from men...I think because I am confidant and it shows through......

Don't try to change yourself for someone else. If he cannot love you for who you are, move on. Remember...he is the one with the problem, not you. Life is hard enough as it is without hanging someone else's crap on ourselves.

"After all, if I was prettier or different in some way, he would find me attractive!"<br />
Oh yes, I've been through that! Thankfully I have enough generous male friends who give compliments and sure, they're friends, so they're biased but they can't ALL be lying right? I also got so sick of feeling crappy about myself that I gave myself a good talking to. "I'm not perfect, no one is, that doesn't mean that I'm unattractive. Everyone finds different things attractive after all." Sure, there are still times when I feel ugly and unattractive - that's when I give myself another talking to.

Yay for you! I need some of that. I keep backsliding into the pit.

Yup, meerin, same here. Anti depressants didn't do it for me either and I did let myself go as well. EP changed that! Some of the friends I met here have motivated me enough to drop 12 pounds. Yeah!!! <br />
I feel really good about myself and H can go to ****.

I was actually going to post about hating my hormones. Part of the month I want a good snuggle and the other part I am practically climbing the walls in frustration. I wish I didn't want touch or sex so much at times. When I did take antidepressants a few years ago, I kind of hoped I would be one of the ones that got the libido side effects, but I wasn't. <br />
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I've also neglected myself for a long time. I just figured if my own husband didn't care, why should I even try? I'm trying to climb out of that hole now. Even if he's not willing to give me a hand up, I can't stay here forever.