Lost In Fear And Hopelessness

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years, sex was never great, in fact he refused to have sex with me for weeks after our wedding, I kept thinking something was wrong with me. Over the years,weeks of rejection, turned to months. Now it's been close to 7 months and he refuses to have sex. Every time we talk about it he manages to turn it on me, it's always my fault, I'm either too angry, or too needy, or I ask the wrong way, or I ask at the wrong time, or I'm not soft enough, or I'm too soft and fragile, you name it, every excuse under the sun. For years I believed it, I went to therapy, I addressed everything he brought up, I improved on every issue he presented, but the sex just keeps getting worse. I am at a point where I realize this is not about me. We even went to therapy together, but we stopped going after a couple of months because I just felt like it was the same old story over and over. If you listen to him he says all the right things, I love you, I don't want to lose you, I am attracted to you, I want our intimacy to be better. But when push comes to shove, he won't initiate and if I do, he turns me down.It doesn't matter how much I cry or explain to him how hard this is, nothing ever changes. It seems like his words present a different person then the one I am actually living with. I am completely confused and feel hopeless, what scares me even more is that I might never leave. We have a 2 year old daughter, it's very hard to leave because he is a really good dad and I don't want to put her through the divorce, but I am so completely exhausted from trying to understand this and make this better, I go back and forth between trying to make peace with not having sex, but I just don't think it's emotionally healthy. I asked him to go to therapy, he found the most expensive therapist which we both knew we couldn't sustain on weekly basis, he went twice and then quit. I gave him the information of other therapists but he never liked anyone or he won't follow through. The thing is, I think I am coming to hate him. I spend a lot of time fantasizing about meeting some one else, I have even fantasized about him falling for someone else so he would leave me. I am an attractive person, with a career, I have a lot going for me, I have been with him since I was 22. I just feel my life and my youth are slipping by me, it's terrifying.
psychea psychea
31-35, F
4 Responses Jul 24, 2010

its hard like everyone said. I run into the problem that everything else other than sex in our relationip is great. Hard to think about leaving. she always say i need to initiate more but when i do i get the im tiered, or not in the mood line. we used to have alot of fun and play for hours on end, multiple sessions, things for no reason out of nowhere. but its all done now. when we do have sex on the 3rd blue moon of the sencon may of the year its almost like shes doing me a favor. she lays there on her back for a few minutes then turns over and lets me go at it from behind and then poof all done go away and dont bother me again. <br />
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IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, it's so hard, I think I will leave one day, but I just hope I get the courage to do it soon. I think it will be harder on my daughter later and I don't want to wait till she is in College. I hate the part of me that can't take the action. I just dread the process of telling everyone and dealing with the move and the money and all that.

Sounds so familiar. I have been with my husband for 8 years. He turns it around on me sometimes, making me seem like the odd one....he will even say things like "So you want it three times a day" and the answer to that one is "No I would settle for once a month". The weird thing is that there is nothing wrong with wanting sex. It is a part of being human and a bit of the glue that keeps relationships together.<br />
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I stopped asking over a year ago. I have given up on the marriage. I will leave one day. He is great with our daughter too though and that is my sticking point right now.

thank you for your comment, you don't know how amazing it feels to get it off my chest. what did you do? how did you deal with your issue?