In Love With A Great Gal

I have been married to a gal that was diagnosed with clinical depression and became totaly unable to live a normal life. She has been through lots of doctors. (med and theropy) She finally has came to a point in treatment that she has discovered why and how she has ended up who she is and why she suffers and in turn is getting control of her life and is beginning to take interest in life again. Still on meds and sees her psycologist regularly. (I see a difffernt one).

Married to her for 15 years and 11 of it has been without sex. Maybee 2 to 5 times a year. When sex does happen she says it is to painfull and i can not penetrate her completely. It is like she is pushing me away while we are trying to get this done. Highly disapointing to me and she has made the effort physically twice in the last 4 months but it is so aggrivating to not be able to make love it is actually like being a couple of virgins that has not been exposed to anything sexual. This pain she feels has only been around for the last year?

While being aware that are sex life is not there and she has talked to her doctors about this, it seems to be a med blame.
She has not talked to her regular doctor about the pain she feels.

I have not ever told her it is do this or our marriage is over, i feel that it will create a i will lay here and you get it done thing. How ever i have told her that oral sex hand job or anything in between would help in the mean while, it does no good. (even though early in our relationship everything was done)

I have googled painfull sex and there is alot of info out there and I have talked to her about it in hopes that she would look at going back to her regular doctor. Or at least view the on line possibilities.

She shows no interest in doing so and my psycologist says that it may very well be something emotionally creating the response she feels during sex.

I have been here for her through multiple suicide attempts and so very much painfull nights and sleepless ones at that and i have participated in her recovery all of the way. I feel that i am fully in touch with what she has experienced in all this mess and supported her far greater i guess then any relationship would normally. My doctor and every doctor she has ever seen has told us that it is amazing that our marriage is still in tact. I think it is still intact due to my involvement along the way.

Well here i am with a wife that is on dissability due to this, the only intamacy we have is when we leave the house we will hold hands and i pat her often and give her attention often. We talk a whole lot about everything and share alot of same interests.

I have a resonalble personal life outside of our marriage and can be busy all of the time with places to go and people to have fun with and while this is available as a escape from our problems it is on my mind all of the time that i will not ever get a satisfied sex life back. IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

My doctor asked me to try and ask myself what am i getting out of this marriage and i can not really come up with much of anything?
I feel that i am in touch with my feelings and i am not off base with what is going on.

I know that she experimented with lesbian thing in her younger life and she had told me that she just did not think it was her. But i caint help but think that maybee she is? She lights up anytime the gay lifestyle is present. As a matter of fact we ended up in a gay bar on bourban street in New Orleans on xmas day and she had the time of her life, i did just as well. I asked her if she thought about the possibilty of her being gay a coulpe of years ago and she did not appreciate it, but that was before the pain thing came along and her discovery of why she suffers from depression. I have wonderd if she has actually discovered her sexuality and does not wan't to come out with it due to our finance stability and her dependency to have me to take care of her.

She was married prior to a man and he would not have sex with her and 5 years later divorced him only to learn that he is gay.

So here I am in love with someone and thinking that I have put alot of time in on this relationship and it is not going to change unless i get stupid and demand some attention and that is not me.

She is passive aggressive and i have read alot about that personality trait. Not good.

Sweet gal everyone likes her, she glows with attraction, and can be alot of fun.

So does a guy do without in order to enjoy this loved one in his life? Been doing this for to long and the question remains.

Crap i don't know!

crapidontknow crapidontknow
46-50, M
3 Responses Jul 25, 2010

Quote: "My wife has made it very clear, all to many times that if she catches me messing around then it is over between us. Cain't say i would blame her i would react that way as well."<br />
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Hmmm... If she really takes that position then she can be forced to face the fact that she has been unfaithful to you. If you present it in that light, it might jar her into recognition. Her lover has been her despair. She needs to address whether her despair is more important to her than her marriage. <br />
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Hard even to conceive of a discussion in these terms, but if she's taking a hard line she must take everything that goes with it. And for her to be told that SHE has been unfaithful to you - by squandering your marriage - will be a shock to her. A shock can jar a person out of pre-ordained inflexible positions...

Hungryman, i appreciate your input. This situation i have is unclear about her sexuality and i do need to push that conversation on her to get a new reading. When i originally talked about the lesbian possibility she had not accomplished the work with her psycologist at that point and now that she and her psycologist have pulled up her entire lifes experiance and put it all out in front of her and has brought her to light with what and why she is where she is with her health the visit about her sexuality is indeed a needed conversation that i got to get done.<br />
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I feel much the same as you about letting someone go if it is to be.<br />
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As for me developing another relationship outside of this one i am not sure if i have the capacity to go there.<br />
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My first wife i did screw around on and I did not care about it. She never knew anything about it.<br />
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My wife has made it very clear, all to many times that if she catches me messing around then it is over between us. Cain't say i would blame her i would react that way as well.<br />
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I have a brother in law that is gay married still to my sister and he combats his sexuality with his bible in one hand and talking the scripture in it non stop. You know cudos for him it is a tool that seems to work for him. Sex life, I don't know if they have one.<br />
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I caint see this situation working for me if it is true. If she is lesbian then i gotta go.<br />
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Love her I can do. With or without her. I just have a regular need that is not in place and i want it back.<br />
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I have alot at invested in this relationship and we are very financially solvent. I end it and it will go away. At the age of 50 i need to either get this over or fixed soon so i can get back into the solvent retirement situation. She will clean me out especially since her sister is a divorce attourney and destroys her clients spouses everytime.<br />
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I don't even like to think this direction but hey it is a possibilty and i have told myself i would much rather have nothing over a whole lot of something i don't need. <br />
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(Except the Chevelle) Thanks for listening <br />
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crap i don't know

My friend, you have very nearly written my story.Substitute a few things - my wife did not actually attempt suicide, although it came to a hairs breadth away a number of times. Multiple hospitalizations, years of therapy (one reason she is still here, btw), meds and the libido destruction that accompanies them. Now make it 29 years instead of 15 and make the unwilling celibacy 15 years instead of 10 - and you have my tale. <br />
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Because of the length of time you've endured this marriage (I think that's the right word) I can only conclude that you love your wife as much as i love mine. And that is the difficulty. If i cared less about her, the decision to leave would have made itself years ago. Yet I'm still here and don't intend to leave. So what now?<br />
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Well, that's where I am and why I'm here - and why I have an identity at swingtowns (fun site). Never since I met this woman have I dallied with anyone else. That means I have paid a price that I never agreed to pay, nor would I have ever considered marriage if this was to be part of the expectations placed upon me. But I am 54 years old and if I am to have any sexual identity at all, I need to go out and create one.. unless I am to accept that my sex life ended when I was 39.<br />
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One hard truth I learned is that i will never "fix' her. i cannot "save" her. And her victories over depression (and OCD, and flexion / extension syndrome, and panic / anxiety, and chronic pain, and, and, and...) are her own to claim. I came to understand that it is the height of narcissism for me to think that "I" saved her so far. A very difficult thing to come to grips with. The flip side of that is that I will not allow myself to be blamed for her illness and I am not entitled to squander my life to become her enabler. And an enabler is what I have been for half a lifetime. Part of my devotion to her is honest, true love. Part of it is pathological and twisted. Untangling one from the other is a project that is taking me years and I expect will continue to take time. But I do realize that such is the case and that is all I need to keep fighting it.<br />
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At the end of the day, you must decide whether a sexual component to your life is worth fighting for or is not worth fighting for. If it is, then you must face it in the certain knowledge that you will never change your wife. Neither is it reality based for you to "wait" for her to come around. You are not alone in this agony, but your decisions will ultimately be the same as if you were. <br />
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For me, we have begun the discussion with (1) I have no wish to leave her and nearly 30 years should prove the point; (2) a healthy sexual life is as important to me as food; and (3) she needs to accept that if I cannot find that with her, then I have to find it without her; and (4) that the instant she is able to overcome her own roadblocks I will be at her side, no matter what arrangements I make outside our relationship. And I intend to do it WITHOUT leaving her and without getting mad at her. I think it could curb years of resentment and could take one hell of a lot of pressure off her as she fights to get well. <br />
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I will encourage her to explore her lesbian side, if ever she feels herself to be a sexual being. I have told her and my therapist more than once that I would far prefer her to have taken another lover - male or female - than to have denied her own sexuality. A person cannot be asexual and healthy at the same time. i want her to be healthy and I want her to find happiness, no matter where that journey takes her. <br />
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In the meantime, I am pretty much ready to taste a woman (hell - a man for that matter) who is hungry for me, if I ever meet one.