Feel So Unattractive

I have been with the same man for 12 years and I am only 29 years old. We have 3 children, we both work and I go to school. I will admit we hardly have any time alone together but here is my problem... He has plenty of time for ****. It makes me so angry because I have told him I dont care if he watches it but he has completely replaced me. I have caught him outside in his truck looking at magazines while I am in the house and available. It makes me feel so unattractive. Its not like he doesnt know how I feel because I have said so many times. I really just give up. We hardly ever have sex and if we do its only once every couple of months and I am just really tired of it.
greeneyednurse greeneyednurse
31-35, F
5 Responses Aug 8, 2010

Please Don't Feel That Way. I have eyes and I see your picture. You are certainly NOT an unattractive woman. It is very sad that he has made you feel that way. I have been in the same situation but from the other side. My marriage ended after 20+ years and it was totally without sex or even touching for the last 6 years. 2 that we were still in the same bed with absolutely no touching and the last 4 she slept in a seperate room. It totally sucks I know. I was made to feel as though I was worthless as a man. My ego was battered and I felt like a total failure as a husband and a father. If it weren't for the support of my two sons I may not have made it through. So, that is my background and why I feel qualified to speak about your situation.<br />
The man, no I can't call him a man because he isn't, he is being a fool and ruining what would otherwise be a wonderful relationship. Judging from your age and the number of years you have been married your 3 children are not that old. That is the worst part of the whole mess. Keeping them from being hurt is, I am sure, foremost in your mind and rightly so. I will have to suggest that it is time to move on. There is no need for you to endure the suffering of being ignored any longer. You are worth so much more and do not need to be dragged down into a state of depression that will be difficult to get out of. Stay strong and proud of the person you are, find new meaningful friends and leave him with his magazines and web sites. You deserve better. <br />
I had a very difficult time putting it all in my past and it did take a couple years to get through it but I am a much happier person and a better person today and I am sure you will be in the not too distant future. Keep your head up, look ahead and your path will make itself clear to you.<br />
My very best wishes are with you.

**** can become an addiction. And for him it's probably much easier to jack off to **** than it is to have sex. And then of course when he does that he spends himself and does not have anything left for you. Sex is messy and complicated at times. And for a man it can be difficult because he has to get hard and stay hard. **** and jacking off is so much easier. And you get to be with a different girl all the time. Many men get addicted to **** (and other things sexual) and it sounds like this could be his problem. It is certainly within your rights to demand that he stop **** altogether until you are sexually satisfied (if he has some left over for that then he can jack off if he needs to). My guess is that he will not be able to stop the **** without help.<br />
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The issue has little to do with your attractiveness. Attractiveness is extremely variable in the eyes of the perceiver. One day he can be very attracted to you and another not. It has to do with his mental state.<br />
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There are many 12-step groups that help in sexual addiction issues and these could be somewhere where your husband can get help. Of course you can't compel him to do anything. One thing to suggest though, if he's not addicted to **** that he should conduct an experiment and stop for 30 days. If he's not addicted he should have no problem doing this. And also with him stopping I'm guessing you will see a dramatic change in your sex life.<br />
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Read up on **** addiction as there are many men who struggle with this and many women like yourself who are on the other end of this. <br />
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And finally, and I know this might be difficult, try to have some compassion for him and whatever he has been going through that's pushed him into his current situation.<br />
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Best of luck!

thanks for you reply Jones47 I am sure a lot of those are a possiblity that wouldnt hurt to persue. I dont dress trashy because of the kids lol Trimmed and shaved i am tho.

Sounds like he likes his women to be a "little on the trashy side". I bet you have changed the way you dress since the dating years. Have you consider changing your at home attire, very short shirts, low neck line blouse or shirt, wearing a tube top, going bra less, and invest in a few thongs or go panty less. Sounds like he is looking for a woman that screams for sex. Have you considered offering him a coupon, stating your safe word is ....... to stop, but you are all his for one day and you will do what ever he desires when the kids are away for the entire day? Use the escape word only if you feel it is impossible to continue. <br />
Have you considered being more vocal in bed? Most of the women in the magazines are trimmed or shaved, have you consider this practice?<br />
You may even considered seeing a sexual therapist? <br />
I wish you the best in solving this problem.

You may want to look up some posts on the Sexless marriage forum. **** tends to distract some men. Unfortunately, I can't give you a simple answer to the problem. The man has to accept that there IS a problem first. Then you can take affirmative action. Wish you all the best.