There's Gotta Be More Then This...

I live in a sexless marriage. Sadly I have only been married 4 months. My husband and I have been together for 3 years. At first, sex was great and frequent, but after a few months it died out to almost non existent. I started to notice a dramatic change in his behavior and discovered (after reading his e-mails) that he was having an online affair with another woman. He would talk to her on the phone and via computer and ********** to her voice or pictures she sent him. When I found out he swore it was over and it was a mistake. I loved him so I believed him. Over the next year our sex life was so unpredictable. Sometimes we would do it 3-4 times a month and others we wouldn't do it for months at a time. He frequently looked at **** and the more he did the less we had sex. He even told me once that he rather ********** to **** then have sex with me because it was easier, less effort. I later discovered that he was still having an online affair with the same girl but also with another, married, woman. He even went as far as to book a trip with her to spend the weekend together, but I found an e-mail with her itinerary and needless to say when I confronted him he canceled the trip and suddenly our sex life was alive and well again, for a few months anyway. We went to counseling and addressed these affairs and our lack of sex and things started to improve. Then it changed. He is definitely more affectionate, but thats not saying much, it went from nothing at all to a few hugs and kisses here and there. We don't cuddle, sex is more like ******* then making love, its cold and emotionless and I am usually on my stomach so he doesn't have to look at me. Its never about me, only about him. We don't kiss passionately. And when I try to discuss how I feel or how much this hurts me, he gets angry, shuts down or somehow turns everything around on me and I end up feeling like I did something wrong. I have tried everything to get through to him how much this hurts me and he doesn't seem to care or want to do anything to find a resolution to this problem. He just ignores it and as long as I don't complain he just assumes all is well. He does do sweet things for me, buys me flowers, trips to the spa, jewelry and other things. I have told him that I would rather have the affection and intimacy with him then all those things, but he just ignores me. There is no passion or romance in our relationship. It has started to get to me and I find myself getting angrier and resentful. I HATE hanging out with my friends and their husbands because when the topic of sex comes up, I want to scream out, WELL AT LEAST YOU GET IT!!!! But I suppose that probably wont go over well with the hubby. ************ has lost its fun. I find that when I try to ********** I usually end up in tears because I feel so ashamed that I have to resort to this to get the sexual pleasure and passion I want. I hide that I cry from him. I hide a lot from him. I have considered having and affair but cant bring myself to do it. Whenever I close my eyes all I see is him and having sex with someone else will just make the pain and longing worse. I suffer from anxiety and depression. Some days I feel like I am unattractive and not worth loving and others I feel SO angry that I can feel the tension inside me. I just want to explode. And sadly he is none the wiser. The other day he said, "You always come home in a grumpy mood," I felt like saying, "Well maybe if I get laid once in a while I wouldn't be such a ***** all the time," but I didn't. I just held my tongue and looked away silently suffering.
LovesSacrifice LovesSacrifice
31-35, F
13 Responses Aug 14, 2010

thats really sad wanna cyber?

Don't be ashamed, find someone you can share all of your fantasies with and enjoy them, the fantasies and the Friend.
You never know it could be just what you are looking for.
What you need.
Want.

What notseekinghookups said...<br />
<br />
Don't allow yourself to remain in this situation as it stands any longer.<br />
<br />
Tell your husband that he MUST seek treatment for his **** addiction and deal with his anxiety issues or you are going to walk.<br />
<br />
If he won't or can't follow up with therapy/counseling, both individual and couples, then you need to leave. <br />
<br />
Meanwhile, get some personal counseling of your own to help forward. <br />
<br />
Good luck - so sorry to hear of your struggles :(

TMomof3 I have always felt that he has distanced himself from sex. He has a SERIOUS issue with intimacy that he is not in the least bit afraid to admit. He is so afraid of it he has convinced himself that he doesn't need it. We did go to pre-marital counseling before we got married. It was required by our pastor. We were told that if we didn't address the sexual issues in our relationship that our marriage would indefinitely fail. He was going to go to a doctor to get info and treatment options but he got laid off from his job and with that we have lost our health insurance. We have tried to apply for state insurance but they say we make too much. We just cant afford to pay for counseling or medical bills right now. We are barely making our car payment and mortgage. I knew he had issues coming into this marriage I just never knew they were this bad. <br />
<br />
I do have to say that I know he is not talking to anyone outside of our marriage. I have a program on the computers that show me every site he goes on, email he writes and screen he accesses. I know all his passwords and I see the phone bill every month and he has been faithful for over a year now. He has not even accessed any inappropriate web sites. He goes to work, comes home, hangs out with the kids and I and then goes to bed. The only real thing that is lacking is that intimate connection and sex. Sometimes I feel like we are just roommates or friends. Thats the part that hurts the most.

i dont wanna sound harsh because if there is a way to bring a couple back together I am all for it but honey this is a lost cause. He has no respect for you or your feelings. He will continue to do these things because he has gotten away with it the whole time. Do something now instead of wasting your time with someone who doesnt do a damn thing for you.

Hate to weigh in seeing that I am a guy in a group for women but here goes. I am also usually one that says find a way to make it work. But your husband has a LOT of issues that need to be addressed before you can even consider it working<br />
<br />
1st) He is addicted to p o r n. I did a thesis on this subject for my Masters Degree. He has EVERY SINGLE sign of it. He can only climax or for that matter achieve an e r e c t i o n with it. This is classic addiction to adult material (in case the delete the p word..LOL) Adult ,material can seriously distort ones views on sex & intamacy. It is male based fantasy & real intimacy can't compete with that. This so distorts the mans thinking, that anything outside of what he sees on the screen is seen as abnormal.<br />
<br />
2nd) His addiction has already moved to a real life encounter. Maybe he didn't actually do it yet. But only because you caught him before it could. He had planned it & was only stopped by your discovery.<br />
<br />
3rd) The next step is seeing prostitutes, strippers etc. Yes he says that disgust him. But he has an addiction that will overtake all his better judgment which may be the only thing stopping him presently. A heroin addict is disgusted by the thought of shooting up. However he does so because he is an addict.<br />
<br />
4th) And this one will be hard to accept. Please don't take it wrong, but you are enabling him. Your first reaction to people saying to do something about it is to defend him & make excuses for his behavior. That is totally not your fault. 99.9% of spouses of addicts do the same until it has destroyed their marriage. Only then do they usually look back & say" Yea I did do that". <br />
<br />
PLEASE get your husband to get professional help. This is treatable. BUT if it goes unaddressed it will only get worse. My beloved & I have a neighbor friend who became addicted to adult material. For a time it destroyed their intimate life. He couldn't get an erect on because of his addiction. He had also had an online affair & went to ***** clubs. After abstaining from all of this & after therapy for his addiction their sex life did return to normal. Had it not been addressed they would be finished by now.<br />
<br />
Also she made him move out because he wouldn't do anything about it on his own. She did attend counseling with him to be sure he went. Monitored his phone & computer records. Put anti P O R N stuff on the only computer he could use. You may have to do all of the same. But if you continue to make excuses or even except his NOTHING will change.<br />
<br />
I hope some of my words didn't seem harsh & I wish you & he the best.

Hate to weigh in seeing that I am a guy in a group for women but here goes. I am also usually one that says find a way to make it work. But your husband has a LOT of issues that need to be addressed before you can even consider it working<br />
<br />
1st) He is addicted to p o r n. I did a thesis on this subject for my Masters Degree. He has EVERY SINGLE sign of it. He can only climax or for that matter achieve an e r e c t i o n with it. This is classic addiction to adult material (in case the delete the p word..LOL) Adult ,material can seriously distort ones views on sex & intamacy. It is male based fantasy & real intimacy can't compete with that. This so distorts the mans thinking, that anything outside of what he sees on the screen is seen as abnormal.<br />
<br />
2nd) His addiction has already moved to a real life encounter. Maybe he didn't actually do it yet. But only because you caught him before it could. He had planned it & was only stopped by your discovery.<br />
<br />
3rd) The next step is seeing prostitutes, strippers etc. Yes he says that disgust him. But he has an addiction that will overtake all his better judgment which may be the only thing stopping him presently. A heroin addict is disgusted by the thought of shooting up. However he does so because he is an addict.<br />
<br />
4th) And this one will be hard to accept. Please don't take it wrong, but you are enabling him. Your first reaction to people saying to do something about it is to defend him & make excuses for his behavior. That is totally not your fault. 99.9% of spouses of addicts do the same until it has destroyed their marriage. Only then do they usually look back & say" Yea I did do that". <br />
<br />
PLEASE get your husband to get professional help. This is treatable. BUT if it goes unaddressed it will only get worse. My beloved & I have a neighbor friend who became addicted to adult material. For a time it destroyed their intimate life. He couldn't get an erect on because of his addiction. He had also had an online affair & went to ***** clubs. After abstaining from all of this & after therapy for his addiction their sex life did return to normal. Had it not been addressed they would be finished by now.<br />
<br />
Also she made him move out because he wouldn't do anything about it on his own. She did attend counseling with him to be sure he went. Monitored his phone & computer records. Put anti P O R N stuff on the only computer he could use. You may have to do all of the same. But if you continue to make excuses or even except his NOTHING will change.<br />
<br />
I hope some of my words didn't seem harsh & I wish you & he the best.

Their are treatments for ED or low libido. I have had to get testosterone shots in the past to start functioning again. But the treatment he puts you through doesn't sound like love. Affairs and other things going on. The excuses sound slim. The compassion and caring for each other seems to be missing. Most people long for a tender touch even if they can't go further. You shouldn't have to hide your emotions from him if he really cares about you. I would examine my relationship with this guy rather than follow his words.

I agree with a lot of what has already been said. There are a lot of treatments for erectile dysfunction. Has your husband tried any of these under a doctor's supervision? Or is it more of a psychological thing? I bring up the latter because the pattern seems to be from what you have described, that he distances himself from the sex- either by communicating online, or the ****, or the actual physical sex with you (ie no kissing, you not facing him, etc.). All of that has one thing in common- he is distancing and removing himself from the sex and obviously that makes him feel more comfortable to perform. If he grew up in a family that was distant as well emotionally, that is just compounding the problem. Then he did not grow up with good models for being emotionally attached to others in a healthy way or rather, in a physically expressive way. <br />
You said you have gone to therapy together (at least that was how I interpreted what you said). But has he gone to therapy alone? <br />
Good luck with everything. I am sure it is very hard to deal with your situation when you yourself are struggling with depression. At least you can feel some comfort to know there are other women out there in sexless marriages struggling too. I know in my own situation I want my relationship to get past this and I hope it does.

he may not be a bad guy but his treatment of you is pretty ordinary.<br />
<br />
i found this website by accident and thought as a male i would be reading a lot of stories from frustrated men when i saw the heading sexless marriage.<br />
<br />
because of my own situation i am having troubles getting my head around the fact that there are so many men that want nothing to do with their wives when their wives want them.<br />
after i read your story i could only shake my head and think how the hell did i end up with someone so cold.<br />
i hope you can work it out as i am doing my best but failing,just remember unlike females a man take a pill to help him(the blue pill may not change his attitude but atleast you might get some)

I suppose I should have told you that this man hadn't had sex with a real person in over 3 years before he met me. And he had been dating the girl he had an affair with on-line for most of those 3 years... As for the married woman she was his first love in high school... so she wasn't just some stranger... And even though they planned the trip together, he probably wouldn't of been able to go through with sleeping with her. See my husband has erectile problems and its easy to please himself to **** and on-line stuff cause he doesn't have to maintain fully but when it comes to actually performing with a live person he has anxiety and worries that he can't maintain... I am not making excuses for him, I just dont want everyone to think he is a REALLY bad guy cause he isn't. He was raised in a affectionateness family that throws around sarcasm and cruel remarks more then I love you's. Huggs and kisses are non-exinsistant in his family. Even his first wife was that way. She was a very cold person, trust me, I have met her. It has taken me a LONG time to convince him that loving openly and sharing your feelings is ok. He is more affectionate and open with all of us then he ever was. Im not willing to give up on him or our marriage or family.

get rid of him ,this is not a man that got drunk and had a fling( which would be bad enuogh )this is a man that went to alot of trouble to book a trip away to have sex with someone he met online,it probably wasnt a good idea rewarding him with sex because he cancelled.<br />
you can do better

I must agree with the poster above. It's not clear to me why you choose to remain with this man?