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I'm Thinking About Having An Affair...

If it were not for me initiating sex it would never happen. I initate sex 99% of the time while my husband would be happy if it would only happen a few times out of the month. At first the excuses were that he is just tired. And then it became "I have to get up early in the morning so lets do it on the weekends". I'm not feeling well, Not tonight baby i'm just not in the mood, "I'm not going to be able to get up in the morning and I have a meeting first thing" followed. I'm so tired of getting turned down I'm actually considering having an affair. I love my husband beyond anything but I can not accept the fact that I might have to live without intimacy for the rest of my life. We make love whenever it's convenient for him. And it's always rushed, maybe about 2 minutes of foreplay and then straight to business. He rows over and watch tv or go to sleep. He never holds me after. Recently he has been having trouble getting an erection and need alot of stimulation to make it happen. When before all I had to do was say I wanted to have sex and he was ready. My husband is only in his 30's. A few months ago twice he couldn't even get an erection when we were about to make love. And one morning before he went to work we were in the middle of a quickie and he went soft. That time I cried. I felt like I wanted to hide under a rock and die there. He has said that he thought it was a medical issue but went to see his doctor and had test ran and nothing showed up. I have to admit that we both have gained weight since we were first married. During my pregnancies I gained about 30 pounds each pregnancy. Which is a lot from someone who is 5ft. 3in. tall and weighed 130 pounds. I don't even want to say how much I weigh now but it's a little under 190 pounds. I do not think that my husband is attracted to me anymore. I've ask him if that was the issue and he denies it. I'm in a funk. My esteem is non-existent but I put on a smile and pretend that I'm fine while I'm dying inside. I hide my body from him. I do not get undressed in front of him. I lock the bathroom door so that he can not see me. We used to take showers together and now I'm too embarrassed. I catch him looking at other woman a whole lot now. At first it didn't bother me because it's just looking right but ever since I caught his eyes following a girl when we were at the grocery store. I was in the car and he was putting the bags in the back seat we were talking and suddenly he stopped in mid sentence. I turned to see why and he was staring at this young girl who walked past him all the way until she got into the store. I was embarrassed, hurt, and beyond livid. I can not afford to go to the salon often and buy the latest style fashions because of our household budget so I recycle clothes often to sacrifice. I look decent not frumpy but I put on make up and do my own hair. I dress sexy when we are about to get intimate. I can stand to lose weight but I'm happy with what I see in the mirror. I'm unhappy because I know my husband doesn't. I always get attention from other men even when my children is with me. I don't know what to do! I've asked him to tell me what the problem is and he just say that there isn't one and that he is indeed still attracted to me. Still, why does it feel like he's lying?
sodonewithit sodonewithit 31-35 9 Responses Feb 3, 2011

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Oh boy. Most of your experience could be penned by me, I'm actually thinking about reading into the sexual anorexia because it sounds like my own husband's situation.

Sure, losing weight and "getting pretty" will boost up the value of your playing card in this game but what does that mean for someone like me who is seemingly having the same experience as you, except I never catch him having a wandering eye while in front of me, that has an hourglass figure? You would think that is everything, right? Hmm. Not so much..

I truly sympathize with you. Men may have a better perspective on this as to what you could do short term to get his attention, but he is is breaking a code of the marriage and you are bearing the burden.

A person needs to understand that the person they are married to is in some ways NOT the person they fell in love with. Yet due to children and other factors they stay and do the best they can in that relationship.<br />
If a person (LIKES the way they look some 40 to 60 pounds heavier) then they sure don't care how the other person see them. Ask your self would he date me now if we wern't married?Would I date him?<br />
If either answer is NO then one or both should change.<br />
Love takes on many forms after two people are together for a while, comfort is the one that seems to fill most homes and if a man has a willing woman and he has NO interest then he ,either is gay, has a medical issue, or doesn't like the way his partner looks.<br />
Try this , loose your weight and get into shape, if he needs this then your work may inspire him to get to work also.<br />
After you have some sucess, go out on a date with him, and get a new dress and make it one that will open his eyes as well as other men. After doing this if he has no interest when your willing then he must have a medical issue or would rather be with another man, in which case you will never win, and if it's medical you may not only save your sexual relationship you may save his LIFE..

You need to rule out sexual addiction in your husband here. What you're experiencing from your husband could be sexual anorexia, which is often the flip side of the same coin. Compulsive marturbation, cybersex, fantasizing, etc. Read Patrick Carnes books on 1) sexual anorexia and 2) sexual addiction (don't call it love). Just so you know, I have research experience in this area so my comment is ba<x>sed in something. I wish you all the best.

You need to rule out sexual addiction in your husband here. What you're experiencing from your husband could be sexual anorexia, which is often the flip side of the same coin. Compulsive marturbation, cybersex, fantasizing, etc. Read Patrick Carnes books on 1) sexual anorexia and 2) sexual addiction (don't call it love). Just so you know, I have research experience in this area so my comment is ba<x>sed in something. I wish you all the best.

Holy crap! He's a lousy lover! Two minutes of foreplay? That's nowhere near enough time to make you ready. My entire sessions are foreplay with other goodies thrown in to keep the fires burning!<br />
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I was in that situation once too, always being the one to initiate sex. Divorce solved that problem. Maybe you and I should meet and see who initiates it the most often? If it's 50%, I won't complain! :)

My husband did not have sex with me throughout my pregnancy. I was so sexually frustrated. And things didnt improve after the baby was born. We had sex every 2 months or so. It really made me feel bad. Like something was wrong with me. But i am not overweight, i am a few pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I am attractive and i dress nicely etc. I look younger than my age. <br />
And like your husband he says he is still very much attracted to me and that he wants me. Yet he makes no attempts to have sex. One time he did go soft and i started crying. Inside i feel like he doesnt really want me, so i dont make any attempts either. I have been unfaithful because i felt so neglected and unwanted and lonely. I feel bad about it, so u should think it through before to get with some1 else.

PROBLEM IS NOT YOU, BUT MOST OF THE TIMES PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE WITH OTHERS (SO AS TO CALL) OR GET ATTRACTED TO SOME ONE, SO THEY START ACTING WEIRD. MOST OF THE TIMES IT'S THE ATTRACTION FOR A CLOSE ONE AND AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP THAT OFTEN MEN LIKE TO RECIPROCATE WITH AVOIDING THEIR OWN SEX MATE. AVOIDING A LOVED ONE FOR A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER IS THE SIGN OF SOME ONE WHO YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS. I ,MAY BE WRONG BUT THE TRANSITION FROM YOUR MARRIAGE T NOW HAS CHANGED TREMENDOUSLY SO NO POINT CRYING OVER THE SPILLED MILK. SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE WITH ONE WHO CARES AND WILL GIVE YOU ALL YOU WANT. I CAN GIVE YOU FALSE HOPE OF GOING THRU THERAPY, BUT TRUST ME IT WILL BE WASTAGE OF TIME AND MONEY. BEST THING WOULD BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL MISERABLE EVERY TIME HE WANTS YOU AND BEAT HIM TO HIS OWN GAME. THIS MIGHT HELP LITTLE BIT BUT BE SURE HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. I WISH AND PRAY THAT I AM WRONG. GOD BLESS.

The weight thing is not the issue, I too am there, have been for years. It is not anything you are doing wrong, it is him. What it is, is a different story. I still have not found out what it is about my husband, and he hasn't touched me in over 3 years. I have lost all the weight PLUS that I gained when I quit smoking, FOR HIM. <br />
There are a lot of us who understand what you are going through. It is not fun at all.<br />
I understand the self-esteem issues, I still have not gained mine back. I fear I never will. It stinks. I just hope it is good knowing that people do care.

You really said it all. I believe he is not attracted, and perhaps not turned on at all. You know your wieght is a big issue with yourself, so fix that problem. I know, easy to say, there are enough success stories. And if you need more motivation, think about being single again. Look at how many people get back in shape after a break up. They get looking great.