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I Live In A Sexless Marriage Already... But I'm Getting Married In July...

I hope that in writing this, I'm not sending all of my heart into the open, only to get nothing in return... I have raked the internet for any and all hope and help for our relationship, and somehow I was led to this site. I hope this was not a coincidence.

A bit about me: I am 22 years old, and I am getting married in July. My fiance and I are such a team, and we enjoy each other's company, but we lack that physical intimacy... I've seen so many people complain that they are intimate with their husband only once a week---shew, I'd be happy with once a month! In the beginning, we had great sex, we were with each other all the time, and we had no complaints in that department. We'd always love to find something new to "experiment" with. now, it has seemed to drop off... in the past year I think we've been intimate maybe only 8 times or so... This hurts me SO badly. I've tried EVERYTHING, and I get accused of being "clingy" and "always focused on sex" and all of those negative comments---you get the picture. It seems to consume my life... The only time I get relief from it is at school ( I am a teacher) when I am so focused on my kiddos, I can't think of anything else. It is a sanctuary for me, much more than my own home.

Every few months, my fiance travels for work. He's usually gone for about 3-4 days and then home for 3-4 days, and so on and so forth. Once, when he was gone, I was so upset and crying because I felt unloved and not beautiful. I cried and wished that I could be skinny, like all of those girls I know he is watching on the internet. But, I remembered that I had a bustier that I used to wear for him when we used to be intimate together, so I thought I would dig it out (it was actually stuffed into the trunk) and see if it still fit me. To my surprise, it fit nicely, and it actually looked good on me. I was so excited and happy and ready for him to come home so I could show it off. I rewarded myself that night with some "me time"---my favorite drink and movie. That morning, I went and bought some new (even sexier) lingerie, and I had a fantastic idea. I would take a picture of myself and text it to my fiance just before he got on the plane---that way, he'd be aching to have me. I've never done anything of that magnitude before, and I thought that it was the "spark" that we might need to get this rolling again. I sent it to him, and minutes later I get the reponse : "it looks good, but sex might have to wait until tomorrow." really? this is all you can say? it really hurt that he took more words to explain why he couldnt than to tell me it looked good. I sunk to the floor in tears. Earlier that day, I had felt sexy and beautiful for the first time in a long time. And then, in that moment, I felt so worthless and stupid for even trying something like that. I felt silly and stupid, and not sexy anymore, and I just wanted to burn the stupid thing. I just wanted him to desire me. I wanted him to be aching for me so much, that he couldnt wait to see me.

I gave it time--Maybe be is just tired. it's been three months since that day, and he hasn't mentioned the lingerie (or sex) since then. I've left hints, I've tried to initiate, but all I get is that he is too tired, or it is too late, or i am too clingy, or i only think about sex, or "why can't you just be happy?". I wish I could be content, but it just eats me up inside. I've resorted to just keeping my mouth shut, and trying to figure it out. I just wish I knew what to do... and I hope I find help (or at least a friend) here.

Why can't I just feel wanted, for once in my life?
WillowD WillowD 22-25, F 72 Responses Mar 26, 2011

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Hey everyone-I hope all is going well with all of you! I keep getting notifications that people have responded to this story, so I wanted to make sure all of you knew that things were resolved by now. I think I posted a follow up story, maybe in 2012. I'm not sure how to link it but I think I posted it to this group. Everything is going great, and issues are sorted, and it's been consistently better for a couple of years now than it ever has been. I'm not saying that every situation can be resolved, but both of our issues dealt with things that had nothing to do with sex--once those were worked out, the intimacy creeped itself back in. :) Love all of you, and hope you are well!

Sounds like my life. I'm sorry I hope this has been resolved by now.

i'm in a similar situation :/ ive been with him for 3 1/2 years and have lived with him for 1 1/2 . luckily though I'm not engaged. but he can go a couple months without sex and he doesn't give foreplay and is bisexual but seems to lean more towards guys. he says the same stuff like "you care about sex too much" or "I'm too tired" yet hes never too tired to recieve foreplay -he just wont return the favor or have sex . and man id love to buy cute lingerie but i know I'd just end up feeling embarrassed. anyways, If you guys are already in this situation marriage will just make it worse . i think you should hold off the wedding or break off the engagement until things get better. unfortunately though i don't think they will..and you may need to break up with him completely. but if you stay with him you'll continue to feel insecure and undesired, you won't be happy or recieve the intimacy you deserve. it's likely that you could end up cheating as well.i know my eyes and thoughts wander /: anyways i hope thi helps a bit but ik its hard or else i wouldnt be in the same scenario>.

I have been in a platonic marriage for 14 years (since I was 18), I can literally count the number of times we had sex in 2013 on one hand. We I mention this he gets sad and clingy then tries to be intimate. I no longer want it, I want separate rooms and/or an open marriage. I can't sleep at night, I take 3 antidepressants and anxiety medicine and go to counseling every week. This is no way to live, don't let yourself turn into me. I love my husband he is my best friend but he is NEVER intimate in his interactions with me, and crying your self to sleep is no fun. The only thing that keeps me here is our kids and the fact I have never been on my own. Really think about what your doing, I knew early on sex would be an issue but being young I didn't really I big of an issue it really is.

Don't get married until the sex problem is adjusted...this is just the beginning of he end.

NO matter what emotional BS he pulls on you gal... DO NOT marry this dude... he sounds wrong.. even for a dude... most dudes I know WANT sex at 20 + and can't get enough of it... something in him is broken man.... I don't know if it is physical or psychological.... but clearly he doesn't match your expectations... this lack of sex thing can be very crippling.... so... don't... don't marry this fella.... let him find some other gal/guy.... I really think he might oen day turn aorund and tell you he is gay.

gal if you texted me with pics of you in that sexy lingerie, I would first reply "Oh my gawd!" and then say stuff like "Keep texting me pics like that" OR "I am touching myself now..."

Mann.... I have been looking for a gal to do that to me.

I am really starting to think some dudes ought to be gals....
or nuns...
seriously..... being a guy means it is easier to have sex... with whoever....
I am pissed... I ought to have been born with a ****..... then I could go let some gal know that I want her .... baddddddd

Please listen to the hurt and frustrated people on this board. Many of them, including me, have experienced years of what you are just starting to experience. The lack of sex for weeks or months turns into lack of sex for YEARS at a time, if not stopping completely and forever.
Please do not do this to yourself. He will always let you believe it's you. Let him find someone who does not like to have sex like him.
You have been given a tremendous gift - he is showing his true colors before you marry. It will actually be worse after you are married since he is probably on his best behavior now.
Always remember, it is not you, but he will want you to think it is. Leave now. It may hurt for awhile, but the pain now will be nothing compared to what you will face if you marry him. You can't just walk away then, and you may waste years trying to fix it. And, you can't just walk out if there are children. Just go NOW. You know who he is and you will never feel loved by him. He has shown you who he is not. Don't marry him if you want to feel good about yourself or if you need to have physical closeness to feel cherished. It's not who he is. It is hard to accept, but you cannot change him. He may believe that you will be perfectly happy without sex, just like him. Maybe he wants to change you to be like him.

Dun marry this dude... PLS... man who marries you needs to be into you completely.. if not tell him to take a hike.

I would think very hard about marriage if this is already happening. I am so sorry......I know that it hurts. It is a feeling I am all too familiar with.

Dear God I hope you didn't marry this loser.

RUN! GET OUT NOW! NO kids? LEAVE - L-E-A-V-E!

It sounds like he's got some issues. Please believe its not you! My husband suffers from a Madonna/***** complex that got worse when we got married and when I got pregnant, sex stopped all together. I strongly encourage you do some reading on this and see if there are some common behaviors. If you love him, encourage him to go to counseling with you. If he doesn't then go for yourself. You are much to young to be dealing with this and please know it does not get better on its own. Best of luck to you...

Just to warn you sexual compatibility and continued sexual compatibility is the factor that makes or breaks most married couples. The sex can be dull for a while (sick for almost a month with lung infection) but it can't just stop. You need sex for your personal esteem and also as a stress outlet. Don't marry unless your prepared to live feeling worthless for as long as you can stand to remain married. Your to young to sell your happiness down the river. If your not happy now you wont be later.

Don't tell yourself it's superficial or stupid to be concerned with sex.
It's not. No matter what your partner says, it's NOT OK for him to just brush off your concerns- is he doing that with anything else in the relationship, not addressing your concerns and brushing it off like if it's not a big deal to him, it shouldn't be a big deal to you?
You aren't a bad partner for wanting that in your relationship- it's good to recognize that, and it will affect all other parts of your relationship if you can't be intimate.
My husband had problems with erectile dysfunction before we got married- I was 25, he was 27. We went to counseling and it got better before we got married, but not where it was at the first 2 years of dating. I thought it would be superficial to leave him because of this problem he couldn't control. Now we are married and don't have sex because the erectile dysfunction came back worse than ever. He is reading books and trying to be able to have intercourse, but we can't. I am not OK with declaring celibacy at the age of 27- and you should not be OK with declaring celibacy at the age of 22, there is so much more life to live. A lot of people don't get married until age 30 nowadays, you have plenty of time, you could still break up with him and date someone for 5 years and still have time. Be OK with declaring what you need and claiming your space- this is an important relationship skill whether you stay with this person or not.

Hey mine does the same thing, and I've been married 25 yrs. Be careful, don't fall into the same rutt I have. We are together maybe once every 3-6 months, and it lasts maybe 10 minutes,get on get off thing. Makes you feel like crap and worthless. I know you probably love him very much, but you have needs to. Before you take that big step, ask yourself, am I happy? If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.

I too am married to a man who I haven't had sex with in five years/he is always tired and shows no interest in passion or sex. I am a very attractive woman who has treated him like a king but he makes me feel do undesired and like there is something wrong with me. He had started not coming straight home from work and out drinking in bars yet says he just needs time to himself. I am ready to give up on this one sided marriage because I can 't live the rest of my life with no passion and intimacy. It is a very lonely feeling.

You have to talk to him, ask why sex became less important, find out what's important to him. It is possible he's cheating. I wish my ex wanted more sex. Good luck, you'll work it out.

I agree with the others. I'm also with a man who is"tired" all the time. I have also tried the sexy nightgowns but nothing. We have been talking about getting engaged for the last year but I fear this is only going to get worse. I've been trying to get my story on but cant (error) my last resort is finding natural testosterone foods and herbals for him. He states he is not a sexual person and I believe it now. We are in our 30's with no kids. This is probably the best time for me to leave but i want to give him another chance :-/

Things get legal with marriage. Mortgages and kids happen. If you're really not happy with this guy, it'll be a lot easier to get out now than after all that.

22 and uninterested in sex? Something is seriously wrong there. Oh, to have that guys' problems. He should consider himself lucky.

Call it off... really... before it's gonna be more painful.. the longer you leave it the harder it will be...

I hope it worked out for you.. I hope you didn't marry him...

I agree with others..... Do Not Marry Him. I'm in a sexless marriage currently. You have the option before you make a big mistake, I'm already paying for mine. It won't change by making your relationship legal. Stop now

may be he is a cheater, i think he is cheating you,

Willow - please do not marry him - i will reply in greater detail tomorrow cos i have little time now but i met my husband 10 years ago - he was everything i was looking for in a man - we get on fantastically - but after I had fallen for him I realised something was a bit odd sexually - he told me he wasn't really into sex. i didn't realise the implications and also thought "who has heard of a man who doesn't like sex?" so assumed it would be ok - 10 years and 2 kidslater, it isn't - we are factastic friemnds but no intimacy and believe me this is rubbish - he truly loves me but is unable to be intimate and I am 37 and it sucks! We are on our 3rd counsellor as we speak and if this doesn't get sorted we will have to separate - although i will be gutted i know i can't live the rest of my life wihtout passion!

hi, i read your story and my opinion is to leave this relationship now as the others have commented..since you are not married yet...because it is not going to get any better after marriage...I am saying this from experience unfortunately...it usually gets worst once you get married...so this is a very bad sign...don't make a mistake and go through a divorce after a short marriage...if you need more advice please email me anytime...i support your efforts for being open on this site..

I had a great sex life before I got married, but now haven't had sex with my husband for over 4 years. <br />
<br />
I have given up initiating sex now, as I know I will only end up frustrated, upset and hurt when he says no.<br />
<br />
I went through all of the same feelings as you have written about, but I feel trapped in my marriage and as a result have been driven into the arms of another man who I see as often as possible, but it is definitely not the best situation to be in.<br />
<br />
The only advise I can offer you is that it is not you, it is definitely his problem. You I'm sure are a very attractive yound women with the rest of your life ahead of you. Once you are married it will only continue to get worse, so for your own health, sanity and self esteem, DO NOT Marry him.<br />
<br />
If you marry him it could end up being the worst mistake you will ever make...<br />
<br />
I'm sorry I can't offer you any more advise, but if you ever need someone to talk to, then just drop me a mail :-) x

leave his a**. if you stay you will only come to resent, and hate him... and thats hard when you realize you hate someone that you used to love so much. im still having a hard time with that.

Get out fast. It will be SO much harder to leave if you go thru with the wedding. Please, believe me, it will not get better. I had crated sex until the wedding, then he shut off. I have done EVERYTHING to try to fix it. I really believe that if you are not CRAWLING ALL OVER EACH OTHER, it is doomed. Especially when you are so very young....maybe if you were 65 years old..?!?! Good luck

I AM BEGGING YOU TO LEAVE THIS JERK NOW YOU DONT WANT TO BE IN A SEXLESS MARRIaGE it is hell

Willow, I just read your story. Please look up my stories. I just posted one I wrote when I was 23 years old. I am 47 now. It's titled "The writing was on the wall, I just didn't see it" . I hope you can benefit from my experience. We all deserve to be loved and desired! I wish you much luck in your future!

Oh, please listen to the others......please do. As a woman who has just left. and finalized the divorce in a sexless marriage, I,too, can vouch for the fact that these folks cannot change. My ex was the same way as yours, made the "same" comments,and after we married it only got WORSE....much worse, as my resentment of him became greater, and the sex became practically non- existent! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE GIRL! We are all rooting for you:)

Willow, it is great that you're not settling and that you've given him an ultimatum. What I find very concerning however is the fact that you've had to do this already, when you're not even married yet. Your marriage should be your soft place to fall, where he will get you to do things as well as you getting him to do things. If he is complacent already, it does not bode well for the future of the union. I really do hope it works out for you.

I know I don't comment here that often (I do have a blog that I keep up with, though some things are friends-only in the blog), but I do appreciate everything that you guys are saying. I'm just finding the strength to find a solution, whatever it may be. I'm not giving up completely, but I've given my ultimatum. We both know what we need to work for, what we consider as healthy. If he wants me in his life, he will adhere to this (I do love him, very much). I'm not saying it cannot be fixed, but I'm saying that I'm giving the both of us a goal to work towards, instead of him just saying "i'll try to work on it" and leaving it at that. It is going well so far, but he and i do have work to do with this. As long as we're working towards it, and not ignoring it, then i don't have any complaints...<br />
<br />
...just my thoughts...

Dear Isepha...it's amazing how all of our stories have so much in common. I am about to finish my phd and I have been in grad school, throughout this whole time I have supported the both of us financially for all these years since he at first couldn't handle the stress of working while attending grad school. He finally graduated and silly me thought I he was going to take care of things, but no, he can't find a job.<br />
I've though about leaving before but I told my self maybe this lack of sex things is because he is so stressed out about our tight financial situation, maybe when I graduate and get a better paying job things will get better....crazy crazy.... These blogs are like having a crystal ball and it's allowing me to see into the future and I hope I can get the strength to say enough is enough and do what's better for "ME'...<br />
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories!

He has put you in the role he wants for you.<br />
<br />
He has taken away from you the thing he knows is completely normal and you love.<br />
He wants to turn you into a sexless freak like him.<br />
<br />
You are to be a vessel for his kids like I was.<br />
<br />
You will be expected to clean, cook, be quiet and above all else never ever want sex.<br />
<br />
You will not be equal.<br />
<br />
He is not a good man, stop saying he is. If you love him because of what he is, fine, but why are you here???<br />
<br />
You have been suckered in, like I was. My husband pretended to be sexy and sociable because he knew I would run a mile if he wasn't, but he isn't sexy and sociable. He is solitary, celibate and a freak. You are doing nothing wrong to leave him, please please please leave him.

WillowD: I can't add much else from what the excellent, thought provoking advice others have provided. Advice that has been born out of living in marriages where intimate ex<x>pression has gone extinct or is in some state of serious deteroriatation.<br />
<br />
-----" I've tried EVERYTHING, and I get accused of being "clingy" and "always focused on sex" and all of those negative comments."<br />
<br />
I will add only one thing. The more you push the sex issue, the more you try to resolve this - the more he will resist. He knows his lack of interest is not right for you. He knows how much sexual ex<x>pression means to you.<br />
<br />
Eventually he is going to get pissed off because he knows he is not doing his job as your loving sexual partner. He knows he is inadequate.<br />
<br />
And guess what? He will get nastier. Much nastier.<br />
<br />
He will not work the issue. He will, instead, turn on you.<br />
<br />
Those denigrating comments he makes now? They will turn more insulting and nastier as time passes. He will begin to say thing, with a sneering tone - such as "it all boils down to the lust with you, now, doesn't it?" "Is that all you think about is SEX?". "You are a sex fiend" "leave me alone", "don't touch me all you want is sex!" and much much worse. <br />
<br />
Translation: I think your sexual needs are whorish.<br />
<br />
An intimately/sexually healthy man would embrace, celebrate and help his wife and him grow as a sexual couple - to be all they can be in that arena. No holds barred. PERIOD.<br />
<br />
He should crave a robust, sexual life with his wife. He should be loving, worshipping and adoring you and your body each and every day, without prompt.<br />
<br />
YOUR fiance sees your intimate/sexual interest and needs as a LIABILITY.<br />
<br />
What is wrong with that picture?

Willow, I've read your blogs too, and while I think it's great that you're getting more sex now than you have for a long while, I still think you should AT THE VERY LEAST postpone your wedding.<br />
<br />
The comments posted on this story are written by people who have a LOT of experience, and while none of us is exactly like you, we can see that you are in a very very similar situation to what a lot of us were in a long time ago. <br />
<br />
While I think your determination to make it work is commendable, I also think you are being very stubborn not listening to the wisdom of women like Enna30 and men like Baz. We honestly do not have any vested interest here. We only want to save you the tremendous pain and emotional scarring that a sexless marriage causes. This I can promise you.

Being REAL means facing life squarely in the face and understanding that sometimes the choices you face are between a rock and a hard place. That sometimes you WILL hurt the ones you love. That sometimes you must do what is RIGHT for you, even if it isn't right for others. That putting others first all the time is NOT a recipe for a happy life - for you OR (surprisingly) for them either.<br />
That some people will judge you negatively - and there is nothing you can do about that. That these same people who judge you negatively are not the ones that are your REAL friends. <br />
<br />
Being REAL means that sometimes you will NEED to act in ways that make you look bad, even to yourself! That by worrying about how you are perceived will seriously limit your life because you are cutting off many options. That by choosing to "stand by your commitment" is probably being pig headed rather than moral. . . . .

Dear willow, i know it seems so easy for everyone to say don't marry him. But I can't even imagine how hard it must be to bear that thought. My gut instinct says don't marry him too, but I after 8 years later think maybe he will change because I the thought of leaving him breaks my heart. I am in grad school and I think maybe once I finish I can make up my mind. I have heard my husband say we will work on it infinite number of times, or we will have sex soon but it has never happened. You either have to say this stops her now, or suck it and know that things will not change and that you will feel rejected and question your femininity for the rest of your life.

Willow you say <br />
<br />
"the only time I get relief from it is when I am at school" "I wish I could be content".<br />
<br />
You are an extremely clever, articulate and intelligent woman but also incredibly bravely head strong!<br />
<br />
Please, please believe me our ex<x>pression of sexual love is one of the most important aspects in our human lives. If you are happy to do without this most powerful of human needs then of course it is your choice but in doing so you must prepare yourself for a life time of disappointment and unfulfilled sexual and emotional desires. Life without the love you need is a living hell. It is always there gnawing away at your soul and it will impact negatively on every single aspect of your life. Is this a price you are willing to pay?<br />
<br />
Please keep in touch; your loyalty to your partner is monumental!

Ah. If you go ahead with this marriage, start saving for therapy now. And make sure that you have a good lawyer. I see divorce already looming on the charts. <br />
<br />
Whatever you do, please DON'T bring new children into this very poor equation. <br />
Messing up your life is your own choice. <br />
Messing up children's lives... shame on you.

I see by a recent addendum to your profile that you now describe yourself as "a bi-sexual woman living in a marriage".<br />
<br />
I can see that, from your perspective, this might alter the potential marriage dynamic, in as much as it could be an alternate sexual outlet for you whilst your potential husband continues to opt out of this part of the relationship.<br />
<br />
Doesn't really change anything much as it regards the sexual ex<x>pression potential between you and him I guess. Does he know of, and is he cool with, this aspect of your persona ? (It seems to be a pretty important piece of the puzzle, not mentioned in the original story)<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

The only thing which really bothers me is a combination of a few facts.<br />
<br />
One: you had fantastic and frequent sex at the start of your relationship.<br />
Two: HE has no more desire in sex with you all of a sudden.<br />
Three: HE has a job where he's away from home a lot...<br />
<br />
Now, excuse me for saying -and I know there's no proof from what you said- but I think there's nothing wrong with your soon-to-be's libido. I'm just pretty sure he gets his kicks somewhere else...<br />
<br />
In any case, I'm also not gonna tell you to dump the guy, but just make sure you address the issue. And not in subtle ways, but an in-your-face question, like "why don't you want to have sex with me anymore?"<br />
If the answer is something which DOES NOT correspond with his initial behaviour (when you did have regular sex) then he's lying. Point. Or he's gay.<br />
<br />
So, be very, very careful before going along with the marriage...

Ending a problematic relationship takes more courage and patience and earns you more respect than rescuing it, willow. <br />
<br />
I won't tell you to dump the guy - yet.<br />
Take Miss M's advice. Fix this problem before your marriage. If you can't fix it before, you'll NEVER be able to fix it later.

Willow, you're young. You're not stupid, but you're still idealistic. <br />
<br />
The fact that you are here, writing a post and responses on ILIASM means that you've already been looking for a solution externally. This tells me that this is already quite a large problem. Let me ask you something, how much help has HE sought for this issue? Has he tried Google searches and written posts asking people for advice? I'm willing to bet the answer is no. <br />
<br />
My point is this. I read in your responses a determination to make this work, and I respect that determination, but without him committing 100% to fixing the problem, all your determination is wasted. <br />
<br />
You say that sex is the only problem, but I can already see one other MAJOR problem. Can you not see that him calling you clingy and asking you if sex is all you think about points to a serious lack of respect for you? At his age he should already know how destructive words like that can be. <br />
<br />
One more thing that seems apparent to me is that you think that ending your relationship over this means that you failed. Please correct me if I'm wrong. You need to know that ending this relationship does NOT mean that you're a failure, it means that you are not prepared to commit to a partner who is not compatible with you. <br />
<br />
It's your choice. Choose wisely.

I am so sorry but he wishes to put you in the gilded cage of marriage and leave you there to get dusty. Your sexuality does make you sexy. He is the one that is not.<br />
I have just escaped from a similar situation. I thought shes been hurt, she needs time. Im not doing enough to be attractive to her. etc. I listened, was patient, tried to address the things she threw at me, nothing changed.... 6yrs of patience and understanding.... Eventually I had to realise that things will never change. I know that i hurt her and i do feel some guilt over this. <br />
<br />
However I am not a household pet, I am a passionate man. In my case issues were very much related to affection as well as intimacy. Another man will find the things that he finds so undesirable, very attractive. You are just with the wrong person. Marriage will only complicate things. I honestly pray that this isnt your situation, but i very much fear that it might be :( People who think that marriage will fix problems are fools and headed for a huge disappointment. I am sorry to have to give "tough love" but its my honest appraisal...<br />
<br />
I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness...

I'll have one last go.<br />
<br />
The ILIASM group has no reason to lie to you Willow. None.<br />
<br />
It has no reason to mislead you, to handle the truth carelessly, to tell you fibs, or otherwise try and pre-empt your own judgement.<br />
<br />
You have been offered the collective opinions of many people who have been in what you are going to go in willingly. A sexless marriage. Except, these people did NOT sign up for that. It happened after the marriage was a fact.<br />
<br />
You have a potential "out". Most people didn't have an out before getting tied up in their sexless marriage.<br />
<br />
That might be why the opinions on this story are more strident than normal. You have a chance of avoiding misery later. People want to see you fully consider using that chance.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Well, I'm going to come right out and play the "When I was your age..." card. <br />
<br />
You said: "... we are extremely busy, and it often takes the backburner, unfortunately. " You know something? If you are too busy for sex and loving, at your age, something is very wrong. Consider getting less busy, both of you. I wish I had when I was a newlywed. I don't know whether it would have made a difference in the long run, but I know I didn't put in the time on the relationship that I should have. You said marriage is a second job ... actually, it's a FIRST job. If neither of you view the other as the top priority in your lives ... well, just think about it.

I spent almost 15 years doing what others thought impossible with terribly disadvantaged and even violent teens in two extremely poor schools. Trust me, this does not translate AT ALL to your married life. It will likely make you a better mother when the time comes but it will have NO IMPACT on your sexless marriage except to give you a reason to work late when you can't face another evening of sadness. <br />
The people responding to your post are bright, honest people trying to warn you away from unnecessary suffering in your life. Just like you do with your students everyday. Many of us here work as teachers and counselors. We also have more life experience. That isn't ageist, it's fact -- the longer you live, the more experience, the more life education you have. It is not wise to simply ignore what we have to say. It is your life and you must live it. However, it is not necessary to fling yourself headlong (and headstrong) onto the rocks we have set a beacon against. <br />
You are the same age as my own daughter and the advice you're getting here is the same I'd give her. I would never wish on anyone the heartache endured by most in our group. You really can't yet understand what you say you want to sign on for, you don't yet know what years of deprivation will do to your spirit. And I pray you never will. <br />
<br />
Princess ForYourOwnSakeDontBeAFool

By saying that, it's terribly ageist here... I don't want someone here to give me the "fluffy bunnies" and all of that, but just because we've read hundreds of stories about how marriages have failed, it doesn't mean I should wave the white flag and lay down my arms. Yes, I'm young, but I am not stupid... and I'm not claiming that anyone has told me that I am, but I look it as I look at my job (marriage is, in fact, a second "job"). I could read hundreds of articles about kids in low income schools (my school is considered this) and the lack of motivation that kids have, and the attendance rates that are slipping, etc, etc., but I see many success stories in my classroom alone. I've seen kids on the brink of failing and deep trouble come alive and make something of themselves. I see it happen every day. I'm not in search of a miracle---just a goal that I can be reached. I do this in my classroom, and i do this in my life. If i sit and wallow in my sadness, I'm not working on my goal--I am just making things harder on myself. I look at his point of view, too (so many of us forget about that). We have EXCELLENT communication between the two of us. we know that the issue exists, but we're working on a solution. I want to take the time NOW while we can communicate and everything to set these goals, and to work towards it (we have had serious life changes, the both of us) instead of creating tension that will only harm the relationship. If it sat and was angry and sad all the time, what good would that do? <br />
<br />
Like I said, I'm not hoping for a miracle, just a target in which to aim.

Dear Willow!<br />
<br />
Please DON'T MARRY HIM! You will regret it for the rest of your married life if you do. It's easier to break off an engagement rather than getting a divorce. The longer you stay with him the harder it gets. My dear he doesn't respect you and your feelings. Busy lives and hard jobs are only an excuse. If he loved you, he would respect your needs.

So you won't leave him over "just sex" . . . at the risk of being labelled ageist here, I ask you to print out this column and keep it.<br />
<br />
On your tenth anniversary, get it out and re-read it. Do it when the kids are in bed and (finally!) asleep. Do it when you have finished worrying about the bills - just HOW are you going to afford orthodontist bills for MaryAnn when you are already struggling to meet the mortgage? Do it after a long day at work, picking up kids, ferrying them to after school activities, bringing in the laundry, cooking the dinner, nagging the gorgeous husband to do the washing up, ironing tomorrow's school uniforms. . . . <br />
<br />
But do it BEFORE you start thinking about how much you long for him to take you in his arms and hold you tight. Before you start thinking with irritation of the many times you have sought comfort, affection and sex with this man who is no more than a "good friend". Do it before your eyes well with tears at the thought of all the rejection you have borne over the years. Do it before all the doubts start creeping in again: "Am I too fat? I never lost those last few pounds after JB was born. . . . " Do it before you scream and yell and cry and he rolls his eyes (yet again) about how "over emotional" you are about something so UNIMPORTANT as sex. . . .

You are absolutely WRONG in thinking it's "just sex". Please, trust us on this. We have, collectively, literally *hundreds* of years of experience in sexless marriages spanning cultures, age groups, and marriage duration. <br />
<br />
Princess PleaseDontBehaveLikeAnIdiot

Then I shall simply wish you all the best for the marriage.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I understand the advice, but i refuse to back down and "wallow" in this. I won't. I would NEVER leave a marriage because of sex; I would leave because of a lack of communication. and honestly, it isn't what's happening here. I would like to know from some of you that have had things work out, or at least become better. I will not leave him. I would leave him if he never communicated with me, but it is not the case. we are extremely busy, and it often takes the backburner, unfortunately. anyway, to answer bazaar's questions:<br />
<br />
When he took his job, were you consulted ? of course. It has always been both of our dreams for him to pursue this career (all I can say is that he is in the entertainment business, but not a singer, band member, etc. I would like to keep things private on here). <br />
<br />
When you go out / holidays etc, do you ever go where you want to go, or is it always where he wants to go ? we alternate "holidays, so no it isn't always where i want to go, but it isnt where he wants to, either. My family lives 3 hours away from me, so we alternate holidays (xmas with one family this year, and the other the next, etc.)<br />
<br />
Do you both see your friends ? Or do you only see his friends ? Same with your family: Well, we kind of have the same circle of friends. we usually would rather stay in than visit with friends, though..<br />
<br />
Movies. Do you see what you would like to see ?: hmm. It depends. sometimes I'll choose, sometimes he will. we both love post-apocalyptic and dystopian type movies (it is my favorite kind of literature), so we're always first in line for movies like Book of Eli, etc.<br />
<br />
What is the usual outcome when you want to do "A", and he wants to do "B" ?: I usually make the decisions ( I control the finances, bills, etc.), but both of us communicate with each other. we compromise. <br />
<br />
the point that I am trying to make here is that it IS one aspect of our relationship. BOTH of us work at our problems, we had just gotten into the habit of letting our sex life stay on the backburner for so long that it became normal. I'm not saying that things will ALWAYS be perfect; they never will be. but I am saying that this is something I refuse to wallow in. I'm not going to let this become me.

From your additional comment, it seems that you are going to keep looking for some sign, some possibility, some minute chance, that this is all going to fix itself.<br />
<br />
I can understand that. Likely, apart from your emotional investment in this marriage, there are financial and logistical matters as well with the wedding looming.<br />
<br />
And, frankly, I do not buy the "the sex is the only problem" line. I believe that you think that, but I do not believe that to be the real position. It never is in these situations.<br />
<br />
So, I invite you to challenge your thinking about this. Heres a few general questions for you.<br />
<br />
When he took his job, were you consulted ?<br />
When you go out / holidays etc, do you ever go where you want to go, or is it always where he wants to go ?<br />
Do you both see your friends ? Or do you only see his friends ? Same with your family.<br />
Movies. Do you see what you would like to see ? <br />
What is the usual outcome when you want to do "A", and he wants to do "B" ?<br />
<br />
What I am driving at, is this -<br />
<br />
He runs the sexual ex<x>pression aspect of your relationship. Its' his way, and your aspirations are irrelevant to him. Is this the ONLY area he acts in this manner ?<br />
<br />
Really ??<br />
<br />
Challenge your thinking. I believe you will find, if you look at it ob<x>jectively, that the relationship is actually dysfunctional, and the lack of sex is just the most obvious symptom.<br />
<br />
But I also believe that you are presently in a mind set where you are likely to go ahead with the nuptials anyway. You'd do no harm at all to challenge your thinking NOW. It's way easier to call off an engagement than to get out of a marriage. And, obviously, don't have any kids before you have got this absolutely sorted out.<br />
<br />
If this dude acts in accordance with how it seems, his next burst of sexual activity will be all about impregnating you to really put the handcuffs on you before he reverts back to sexlessness.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

It would be SO much easier for you to say goodbye and end this right now, than to have to do it later. He will not change. Please, do not marry him unless you are willing to become celibate.<br />
<br />
I married my husband when I was 21; I am now 34 and our marriage has been almost 100% sexless for 11 years. We are best friends, we have good times, we get along well, etc. But I am married to my best friend, not a lover.

Please listen to all of the sage advice of people that have lived this for years. Your self esteem will do nothing but plummet further through the years of rejection you will endure if you marry this person. Don't wait, like so many of us have to leave...you are making excuses for him...too much stress, tired etc...and you aren't even married yet. Walk away, and don't look back.

I'm sorry x

He is already not interested in makig you happy and naturally, you are very uhappy. Like everyone said, after marriage your sex life can only go down. <br />
<br />
You have not been on your own long enough. Why not take the time and fid someone who is more compatible, a man with a libido that's on your level?

Oh Willow.<br />
If you get married still, you will look back and kick yourself for the rest of your life. Because one day, having everything else and no sx life will get to you. I should know. And that day, you may/will not be in a position to leave anymore, or at least leave quickly. Again, I should know.<br />
<br />
If you can't see a road from today to where you both are completely happy, don't start yet! <br />
<br />
Please come back and tell us what you decide or do.

The truth is that he does not really love you. <br />
<br />
Dump him and move on.

don't nag but communicate clearly and objectively. tell him your concerns. he could be ashamed that he's addicted to **** again and so unable to let himself be intimate with you. it's great that he treats you like a princess in other ways! let him know you still love him and thank him for the ways he treats you well, without expecting anything back. Compliment him on the things he does well and his confidence with you will grow. Don't take the lack of sex as a reflection on you - it probably has little to do with you, as I say and more to do with him. Be confident in who you are anyway - a secure woman is sexy! try and work it out without being needy! and let us know how it goes!

We used to have wonderful sex. I mean, the only thing I can think of is the stress from our jobs (he travels for work and I teach, so it isn't the easiest of jobs). He started this job in January and I am in my first year of teaching... We're both under a LOT of stress. <br />
<br />
I do understand that we can't continue this way.... I know I am young, but I have been on my own since 16, I have a college degree, and I know what I want in life (which is why I'm trying to figure this out). Other than that area, we have great communication, we are such a team. I'm almost willing to just "deal" with this area, so I can have the others. Other than that, I am treated like a princess. He always kisses me before he leaves, and he always kisses me goodnight. It's just the one area that we have trouble with. Like some of you said, we just have different libido levels... but how could his have changed? ugh. frustrated. We've promised to work on it, but we either can't find the time or I'm "nagging"....

It is so difficult for you - here you are, you've found a man that you love, and that you believe loves you - you are a good team, great friends and companions - but, you are not compatible sexually. Unfortunately, this is a very big but - and from experience and having been on this forum for a year now, it does not get any better. You have few choices:<br />
<br />
1) You have The Talk, (see stories in many peoples profiles - which explain in detail the Talk) explain how you feel in bleak, bold and clear words. Explain how the relationship cannot continue unless he addresses the lack of sex and intimacy. You then have to suggest therapy where perhaps he will talk about it in more detail. And give a time limit. <br />
<br />
2) Have the talk, so that you feel you have given him the opportunity to rectify and discuss the situation with him, but know that you are going to break the engagement.<br />
<br />
3) Take the wise advice of the sage like people on this site and break off your engagement now. I know that it seems shallow to finish with someone 'Just because of the lack of sex' but in reality - this little thing will come to dominate your thoughts and feelings towards this man. It's not easy, but you are young and there is someone out there who is right for you. <br />
<br />
Hard, hard, hard situation. I wish you well with your choices. Let us know how it goes.

Willow, I also have to recommend that you break the engagement. We understand that you are a team and enjoy each other's company - but that doesn't mean you are meant to be married to each other. You have a pretty accurate idea of what your needs are for intimacy and lovemaking - and the two of you are NOT compatible in this very important area. <br />
<br />
And what Enna30 said.

Willow, please break off your engagement immediately. If you have not already done so, please read and read and READ as many stories and forum posts here as you can.<br />
<br />
The success rate for "sexless marriages" is very low, but some people have a chance to turn their relationship around. These are the ones who have has GREAT sex lives for a long time and "something" has occurred in their lives to change this. (Could be anything - menopause, loss of job, long term illness, etc. etc.)<br />
<br />
There are NO (yes, that is right, NONE, NIL, NADA, ZILCH) marriages that have started off "sexless" that have recovered. This is the stark truth - much as you will hate to read it.<br />
<br />
Your fiance has a low libido compared to your's - that is mu guess. It is possibly caused by childhood abuse or other environmental factors, but it is equally likely that he is simply at the lower end of the libido spectrum compared with you.<br />
<br />
This lack of compatibility on BOTH your parts is not anyone's fault - it just "is what it is".<br />
<br />
Many of us here have denied the truth of our situations for years, even decades, HOING things will change . . . We have tried every trick known and in many cases used ploys that we are secretly embarrassed or ashamed of, to try and get our spouses to have sex with us. NOTHING works, in almost ALL cases.<br />
<br />
The very few cases that have positive outcomes START from a better position than your's (ie. have had good sex for a time initially) AND have two people equally committed to finding a resolution to the problem. Your partner however makes TYPICAL Refuser remarks such as:<br />
""clingy" and "always focused on sex" and all of those negative comments--"<br />
<br />
This is because he simply does not "get" why you want sex - any more than we can "get" why they do NOT want sex!!!! I am nearly sixty years old. My partner and I have a great sex life! We both left sexless marriages after decades! We both finally "got" that we needed sex and we were never going to get that with our partners. . . . Please! Do not waste your youth. Choose the heart ache NOW which will result in greater happiness later. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

Hi Willow, I'm so sorry you're in this ****** situation, and I can only add my voice to this chorus. Think about this: Why do we have relationships? Do we have relationships to make our lives happier and more fulfilled, or do we have relationships to break our self confidence, create stress and make us unhappy? Now ask yourself why you're having this relationship, and even planning to marry this creature. <br />
<br />
You know what you have to do girl. We'll be here for you to vent, cry, scream, laugh...

It will get much more and much more difficult to leave. You are young, be happy and choose someone who really wants you and makes you feel special, like a lover should.

DO NOT MARRY HIM!

After the wedding, this will only get worse!!!! Echoing the above, only louder:<br />
DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!!<br />
<br />
You can either be sad now, or be miserable for years and then sad (and poorer) when you finally divorce him. My advice: deal with the pain now. The sooner you do it, the sooner you'll be truly happy again. <br />
<br />
Princess HeadMistressSchoolOfHardKnocks

I have been in a sexless marriage for 30 years it does not get better with age.

I have one piece of advice for you, and I really hope you give it some serious consideration:<br />
Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him. Do not marry him.<br />
<br />
I can continue ad infinitum, but you get the idea. Read the stories here, but if it's hope you're looking for, you might be disappointed.