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I Live In A Sexless Marriage Already... But I'm Getting Married In July...

I hope that in writing this, I'm not sending all of my heart into the open, only to get nothing in return... I have raked the internet for any and all hope and help for our relationship, and somehow I was led to this site. I hope this was not a coincidence.

A bit about me: I am 22 years old, and I am getting married in July. My fiance and I are such a team, and we enjoy each other's company, but we lack that physical intimacy... I've seen so many people complain that they are intimate with their husband only once a week---shew, I'd be happy with once a month! In the beginning, we had great sex, we were with each other all the time, and we had no complaints in that department. We'd always love to find something new to "experiment" with. now, it has seemed to drop off... in the past year I think we've been intimate maybe only 8 times or so... This hurts me SO badly. I've tried EVERYTHING, and I get accused of being "clingy" and "always focused on sex" and all of those negative comments---you get the picture. It seems to consume my life... The only time I get relief from it is at school ( I am a teacher) when I am so focused on my kiddos, I can't think of anything else. It is a sanctuary for me, much more than my own home.

Every few months, my fiance travels for work. He's usually gone for about 3-4 days and then home for 3-4 days, and so on and so forth. Once, when he was gone, I was so upset and crying because I felt unloved and not beautiful. I cried and wished that I could be skinny, like all of those girls I know he is watching on the internet. But, I remembered that I had a bustier that I used to wear for him when we used to be intimate together, so I thought I would dig it out (it was actually stuffed into the trunk) and see if it still fit me. To my surprise, it fit nicely, and it actually looked good on me. I was so excited and happy and ready for him to come home so I could show it off. I rewarded myself that night with some "me time"---my favorite drink and movie. That morning, I went and bought some new (even sexier) lingerie, and I had a fantastic idea. I would take a picture of myself and text it to my fiance just before he got on the plane---that way, he'd be aching to have me. I've never done anything of that magnitude before, and I thought that it was the "spark" that we might need to get this rolling again. I sent it to him, and minutes later I get the reponse : "it looks good, but sex might have to wait until tomorrow." really? this is all you can say? it really hurt that he took more words to explain why he couldnt than to tell me it looked good. I sunk to the floor in tears. Earlier that day, I had felt sexy and beautiful for the first time in a long time. And then, in that moment, I felt so worthless and stupid for even trying something like that. I felt silly and stupid, and not sexy anymore, and I just wanted to burn the stupid thing. I just wanted him to desire me. I wanted him to be aching for me so much, that he couldnt wait to see me.

I gave it time--Maybe be is just tired. it's been three months since that day, and he hasn't mentioned the lingerie (or sex) since then. I've left hints, I've tried to initiate, but all I get is that he is too tired, or it is too late, or i am too clingy, or i only think about sex, or "why can't you just be happy?". I wish I could be content, but it just eats me up inside. I've resorted to just keeping my mouth shut, and trying to figure it out. I just wish I knew what to do... and I hope I find help (or at least a friend) here.

Why can't I just feel wanted, for once in my life?
WillowD WillowD 22-25, F 72 Responses Mar 26, 2011

Your Response


Hey everyone-I hope all is going well with all of you! I keep getting notifications that people have responded to this story, so I wanted to make sure all of you knew that things were resolved by now. I think I posted a follow up story, maybe in 2012. I'm not sure how to link it but I think I posted it to this group. Everything is going great, and issues are sorted, and it's been consistently better for a couple of years now than it ever has been. I'm not saying that every situation can be resolved, but both of our issues dealt with things that had nothing to do with sex--once those were worked out, the intimacy creeped itself back in. :) Love all of you, and hope you are well!

Sounds like my life. I'm sorry I hope this has been resolved by now.

i'm in a similar situation :/ ive been with him for 3 1/2 years and have lived with him for 1 1/2 . luckily though I'm not engaged. but he can go a couple months without sex and he doesn't give foreplay and is bisexual but seems to lean more towards guys. he says the same stuff like "you care about sex too much" or "I'm too tired" yet hes never too tired to recieve foreplay -he just wont return the favor or have sex . and man id love to buy cute lingerie but i know I'd just end up feeling embarrassed. anyways, If you guys are already in this situation marriage will just make it worse . i think you should hold off the wedding or break off the engagement until things get better. unfortunately though i don't think they will..and you may need to break up with him completely. but if you stay with him you'll continue to feel insecure and undesired, you won't be happy or recieve the intimacy you deserve. it's likely that you could end up cheating as well.i know my eyes and thoughts wander /: anyways i hope thi helps a bit but ik its hard or else i wouldnt be in the same scenario>.

I have been in a platonic marriage for 14 years (since I was 18), I can literally count the number of times we had sex in 2013 on one hand. We I mention this he gets sad and clingy then tries to be intimate. I no longer want it, I want separate rooms and/or an open marriage. I can't sleep at night, I take 3 antidepressants and anxiety medicine and go to counseling every week. This is no way to live, don't let yourself turn into me. I love my husband he is my best friend but he is NEVER intimate in his interactions with me, and crying your self to sleep is no fun. The only thing that keeps me here is our kids and the fact I have never been on my own. Really think about what your doing, I knew early on sex would be an issue but being young I didn't really I big of an issue it really is.

Don't get married until the sex problem is adjusted...this is just the beginning of he end.

NO matter what emotional BS he pulls on you gal... DO NOT marry this dude... he sounds wrong.. even for a dude... most dudes I know WANT sex at 20 + and can't get enough of it... something in him is broken man.... I don't know if it is physical or psychological.... but clearly he doesn't match your expectations... this lack of sex thing can be very crippling.... so... don't... don't marry this fella.... let him find some other gal/guy.... I really think he might oen day turn aorund and tell you he is gay.

gal if you texted me with pics of you in that sexy lingerie, I would first reply "Oh my gawd!" and then say stuff like "Keep texting me pics like that" OR "I am touching myself now..."

Mann.... I have been looking for a gal to do that to me.

I am really starting to think some dudes ought to be gals....
or nuns...
seriously..... being a guy means it is easier to have sex... with whoever....
I am pissed... I ought to have been born with a ****..... then I could go let some gal know that I want her .... baddddddd

Please listen to the hurt and frustrated people on this board. Many of them, including me, have experienced years of what you are just starting to experience. The lack of sex for weeks or months turns into lack of sex for YEARS at a time, if not stopping completely and forever.
Please do not do this to yourself. He will always let you believe it's you. Let him find someone who does not like to have sex like him.
You have been given a tremendous gift - he is showing his true colors before you marry. It will actually be worse after you are married since he is probably on his best behavior now.
Always remember, it is not you, but he will want you to think it is. Leave now. It may hurt for awhile, but the pain now will be nothing compared to what you will face if you marry him. You can't just walk away then, and you may waste years trying to fix it. And, you can't just walk out if there are children. Just go NOW. You know who he is and you will never feel loved by him. He has shown you who he is not. Don't marry him if you want to feel good about yourself or if you need to have physical closeness to feel cherished. It's not who he is. It is hard to accept, but you cannot change him. He may believe that you will be perfectly happy without sex, just like him. Maybe he wants to change you to be like him.

Dun marry this dude... PLS... man who marries you needs to be into you completely.. if not tell him to take a hike.

I would think very hard about marriage if this is already happening. I am so sorry......I know that it hurts. It is a feeling I am all too familiar with.

Dear God I hope you didn't marry this loser.


It sounds like he's got some issues. Please believe its not you! My husband suffers from a Madonna/***** complex that got worse when we got married and when I got pregnant, sex stopped all together. I strongly encourage you do some reading on this and see if there are some common behaviors. If you love him, encourage him to go to counseling with you. If he doesn't then go for yourself. You are much to young to be dealing with this and please know it does not get better on its own. Best of luck to you...

Just to warn you sexual compatibility and continued sexual compatibility is the factor that makes or breaks most married couples. The sex can be dull for a while (sick for almost a month with lung infection) but it can't just stop. You need sex for your personal esteem and also as a stress outlet. Don't marry unless your prepared to live feeling worthless for as long as you can stand to remain married. Your to young to sell your happiness down the river. If your not happy now you wont be later.

Don't tell yourself it's superficial or stupid to be concerned with sex.
It's not. No matter what your partner says, it's NOT OK for him to just brush off your concerns- is he doing that with anything else in the relationship, not addressing your concerns and brushing it off like if it's not a big deal to him, it shouldn't be a big deal to you?
You aren't a bad partner for wanting that in your relationship- it's good to recognize that, and it will affect all other parts of your relationship if you can't be intimate.
My husband had problems with erectile dysfunction before we got married- I was 25, he was 27. We went to counseling and it got better before we got married, but not where it was at the first 2 years of dating. I thought it would be superficial to leave him because of this problem he couldn't control. Now we are married and don't have sex because the erectile dysfunction came back worse than ever. He is reading books and trying to be able to have intercourse, but we can't. I am not OK with declaring celibacy at the age of 27- and you should not be OK with declaring celibacy at the age of 22, there is so much more life to live. A lot of people don't get married until age 30 nowadays, you have plenty of time, you could still break up with him and date someone for 5 years and still have time. Be OK with declaring what you need and claiming your space- this is an important relationship skill whether you stay with this person or not.

Hey mine does the same thing, and I've been married 25 yrs. Be careful, don't fall into the same rutt I have. We are together maybe once every 3-6 months, and it lasts maybe 10 minutes,get on get off thing. Makes you feel like crap and worthless. I know you probably love him very much, but you have needs to. Before you take that big step, ask yourself, am I happy? If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.

I too am married to a man who I haven't had sex with in five years/he is always tired and shows no interest in passion or sex. I am a very attractive woman who has treated him like a king but he makes me feel do undesired and like there is something wrong with me. He had started not coming straight home from work and out drinking in bars yet says he just needs time to himself. I am ready to give up on this one sided marriage because I can 't live the rest of my life with no passion and intimacy. It is a very lonely feeling.

You have to talk to him, ask why sex became less important, find out what's important to him. It is possible he's cheating. I wish my ex wanted more sex. Good luck, you'll work it out.

I agree with the others. I'm also with a man who is"tired" all the time. I have also tried the sexy nightgowns but nothing. We have been talking about getting engaged for the last year but I fear this is only going to get worse. I've been trying to get my story on but cant (error) my last resort is finding natural testosterone foods and herbals for him. He states he is not a sexual person and I believe it now. We are in our 30's with no kids. This is probably the best time for me to leave but i want to give him another chance :-/

Things get legal with marriage. Mortgages and kids happen. If you're really not happy with this guy, it'll be a lot easier to get out now than after all that.

22 and uninterested in sex? Something is seriously wrong there. Oh, to have that guys' problems. He should consider himself lucky.

Call it off... really... before it's gonna be more painful.. the longer you leave it the harder it will be...

I hope it worked out for you.. I hope you didn't marry him...

I agree with others..... Do Not Marry Him. I'm in a sexless marriage currently. You have the option before you make a big mistake, I'm already paying for mine. It won't change by making your relationship legal. Stop now

may be he is a cheater, i think he is cheating you,

Willow - please do not marry him - i will reply in greater detail tomorrow cos i have little time now but i met my husband 10 years ago - he was everything i was looking for in a man - we get on fantastically - but after I had fallen for him I realised something was a bit odd sexually - he told me he wasn't really into sex. i didn't realise the implications and also thought "who has heard of a man who doesn't like sex?" so assumed it would be ok - 10 years and 2 kidslater, it isn't - we are factastic friemnds but no intimacy and believe me this is rubbish - he truly loves me but is unable to be intimate and I am 37 and it sucks! We are on our 3rd counsellor as we speak and if this doesn't get sorted we will have to separate - although i will be gutted i know i can't live the rest of my life wihtout passion!

hi, i read your story and my opinion is to leave this relationship now as the others have commented..since you are not married yet...because it is not going to get any better after marriage...I am saying this from experience usually gets worst once you get this is a very bad sign...don't make a mistake and go through a divorce after a short marriage...if you need more advice please email me anytime...i support your efforts for being open on this site..

I had a great sex life before I got married, but now haven't had sex with my husband for over 4 years. <br />
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I have given up initiating sex now, as I know I will only end up frustrated, upset and hurt when he says no.<br />
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I went through all of the same feelings as you have written about, but I feel trapped in my marriage and as a result have been driven into the arms of another man who I see as often as possible, but it is definitely not the best situation to be in.<br />
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The only advise I can offer you is that it is not you, it is definitely his problem. You I'm sure are a very attractive yound women with the rest of your life ahead of you. Once you are married it will only continue to get worse, so for your own health, sanity and self esteem, DO NOT Marry him.<br />
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If you marry him it could end up being the worst mistake you will ever make...<br />
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I'm sorry I can't offer you any more advise, but if you ever need someone to talk to, then just drop me a mail :-) x

leave his a**. if you stay you will only come to resent, and hate him... and thats hard when you realize you hate someone that you used to love so much. im still having a hard time with that.

Get out fast. It will be SO much harder to leave if you go thru with the wedding. Please, believe me, it will not get better. I had crated sex until the wedding, then he shut off. I have done EVERYTHING to try to fix it. I really believe that if you are not CRAWLING ALL OVER EACH OTHER, it is doomed. Especially when you are so very young....maybe if you were 65 years old..?!?! Good luck