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What To Do?

I have dreamed of love like this. He is the man of my dreams But.........we do not have sex. If I didn't bring it up I don't think we ever would. I have spoken with him about it, but I always end up feeling horrible afterwards. Honestly I have never been so torn and confused in my whole life. I think he is impotent but he can't face it. He always says he will do better, he will try harder but I don't think it would matter too him if we ever had sex. The funny part is that he is very affectionate and very loving. I feel like crap when I push the issue. I love him so much. Should I just leave it alone and enjoy what I have. Is it possible for me to turn off my desires in order to be in this relationship. I don't wanna cheat on him, I don't want any one else. But I am human and I enjoy sex. What do I do?
Unsufferme Unsufferme 36-40, F 18 Responses Apr 9, 2011

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Update. Went the medical route, yes low T. Doc gave him some gel to use. He used it for about a month and stopped. Sooo still no sex. He can't maintain an erection for more than 2 minutes and he's small and inexperienced so it's horrible. Now, I don't even let him try anymore. Oral sex is not an adequate replacement for penetration and intimacy. I've tried to end it with him. I don't return his calls, I don't see him but he won't stop calling. He acts like everything is ok. It's pretty weird at this point. It's changing me. I'm mean and nasty to him. He's a selfish *******. He won't even talk about it. He just says I'm fine, maybe it's psychological? No.....it's not. Ur impotent.

You guys were right. Resentment, hatred etc. I can't even stand to hear his voice. Ughhhh.

Read, "How to Introduce Your Lover to Swinging" by Michael Andrews. Available on Amazon Kindle or at www.swingwithyourwife.com. It's got some amazingly effective ideas for putting the sizzle into your sex life. My wife didn't like sex at all, but with the ideas I got from that book we now have a great sex life.<br />
Good luck!

As a woman who has left a "sexless" marriage I can SO relate to what you are saying. I can also attest to the fact that just "ignoring" your sex drive will no work in the long term, believe me, I tried that as well. The fact that he is a nice guy etc. etc. etc., will get very OLD, and you will soon be left with nothing but your anger, resentment, and feelings of rejection. Get out while you still have the self esteem to do it. My life is SO much better now that I am out of that sad marriage.......believe me, its worth feeling like a *****, to extricate yourself from this losing proposition.

Impotent and low libido are two different things.<br />
Impotent = ED = inability to get and maintain erections<br />
Low libido = no desire for sex<br />
<br />
There are many treatments for ED but little can be done for low libido. You should encourage him to see a dr but it does not sound like your sex life is heading in the right direction.

maybe you should? do you want too? be careful if you want to talk about it more on how you should do it let me know. maybe doing it once would be enough. i have been there from the other side

Yes magic I think its medical? but he is too embarrassed to speak openly about it.

you do not think it is a medical problem with him??

Thanx. I hear what u guys r saying. But it's so hard maybe I should just take a lover?

-----" If I didn't bring it up I don't think we ever would."<br />
<br />
That is because all his needs are being met.<br />
<br />
-----" The funny part is that he is very affectionate and very loving."<br />
<br />
A best friend can play this role too - sans marriage.<br />
<br />
-----" Is it possible for me to turn off my desires in order to be in this relationship."<br />
<br />
Only temporarily. After a time, if this situation is not resolved, you will begin to hate him.<br />
<br />
-----" but I don't think it would matter too him if we ever had sex."<br />
<br />
That is your CORE issue. He does not care. You are in an asymmetrical love relationship - all his intimate needs are met by default, by doing nothing because his need for intimate interaction is virtually nonexistant - and none of yours are being met.<br />
<br />
A loving marriage is supposed to include robust, satisfying intimate interaction (unless BOTH agree that intimacy is not needed), for both parties.<br />
<br />
What you have here is not that. And yes, it is going to make you feel like a ***** because you are othe only one trying to move the grim situation off top dead center. And he won't budge.<br />
<br />
I would plan accordingly.

Eternalhope u r merely saying what I already know. It can't last. But why do I feel like such a *****?

Your reasons for staying are what I used as well.<br />
- He's a good guy<br />
- He can't change this about himself<br />
- Wouldn't I want him to stay with me if things were turned around?<br />
<br />
I added on - <br />
- What if this was the result of an accident? Wouldn't I accept it then?<br />
<br />
These reasonings can only help you hold on for some time. The lack of sex is an issue that will not be ignored.<br />
<br />
Think about this - <br />
- If there is something your husband wants but, you can't provide it, won't you at the very least TRY to do something about it?<br />
- Does a 'good' person continually hurt the person they claim to love and remain unconcerned about it?<br />
- Fact is, he WASN'T in an accident. No use trying to convince ourselves the situation is similar!<br />
<br />
You are unhappy. Very unhappy. You are using these arguments to help you stay on. Reality is, they will not hold on for long. You don't trust your H's statements about the test results. That's good.<br />
<br />
Now, consult a lawyer and get your position clarified. This is a 'Just In Case' plan.<br />
<br />
You could consider therapy. <br />
<br />
The honest answer and solution is for you to leave.

Thanks princess. I kinda needed that. But I've been in a relationship that was sexually satisfying and emotionally draining. So yeah I need his love and affection. But. I miss good sex. He is a sweetie with a huge heart. I can't reject him for something he can't help. What if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn't want to leave me.

Sorry, did I hear you right?!? You always dreamed of love like this??? You mean the kind with no sex? Really?<br />
<br />
This is a complete crock of ****. And you know what? It DOESN'T MATTER WHY he's not having sex with you, only THAT he isn't. You're trying to rationalize your crappy relationship by ignoring the obvious fact it's not going anywhere really. <br />
<br />
Princess SaveYourselfBeforeThisDestroysYpu

Sidetracked. Pleasuring myself is all I have left and it's getting old. Im thinking about introducing toys. Thanks.

There is always self pleasure in between sex with your husband or maybe buying toys to enchance your sexual satisfaction is something your husband would be willing to use.Good Luck

Thank u dock! He claims that he does have "desires ". He claims he spoke to his doctor who said everything was fine and prescribed anti depressants. I just don't think he is being honest with me nor himself.

If he lacks desire you should encourage him to see a doctor. As for myself, for a long time I thought I wasn't satisfying my wife and then she finally admitted that after her hysterectomy she virtually lost all desire. I'm sure you want to hear from some women, but that's my story. good luck.