A 15 Year Semi-dry Spell

I met and married my husband with serving in the military. I was 19; he was 32. I grew up in a STRICT household so during high-school and carried some of those rules onward. I NEVER slept with my husband before we got married-he decided that it shouldn't happen until after wards. We dated for a little over a year before he proposed, and I found out some things that had happened earlier in his teen/young adult years. He confided in me that he felt like he had a male hormonal imbalance, so instead of doing anything about it (he chose the "dude" card: "its no big deal...I don't need help") he drank and used drugs to have something to do with his spare time. Granted, by the time he told me this, I was still willing to be there with him...I loved him & still love him. I knew our sex life wouldn't be great but I had NO IDEA how bad it would become.

At the beginning of our marriage, he traveled with his job, I was usually on board the ship I served on at the time. So that was for the first three years. We saw each other maybe 2-3 times in those 3 years and the sex was good. But after those years were up and he was at another job-locally, our intimacy ran head first into a wall. So as of right now, we have been married for 15 years and I am lucky if we are intimate (hugging, kissing, sex) at least 1-2 times a YEAR. We have found out that he does have some health issues that don't help-diabetes, elevated blood pressure (not enough to be high), chronic pain in back, shoulder, neck and feet...For sex, he even has prescriptions to aid with it-which he barely takes and that's only after 5.4 months and sitting at his feet begging to be loved. He isn't taking the doctors advice on anything, and more often or not, he uses things that didn't get done around the house (laundry isn't done, kitchen isn't clean, etc.) My husband is a good man. He's my best friend, a perfect dad, a wonderful provider. So between all of his medical issues, he has also advised me that he just has really no need for sex. We spend at least 6 months fighting over sex and then he just caves in...to shut me up.

I am beginning to harbor resentment and DEEP anger for him in our sex life. I cant "play", tease or even initiate anything with him-he doesn't "respond" to me at all. There is nothing that slams your self esteem more that having to ask your own husband for sex & being turned down, him having to take medication at all, and laying there like a dead fish if I do get the green light to touch him. I understand his point...he works hard and hes tired when he gets home. I work as an emergency dispatcher on grave yard shifts and we usually pass each other as were running out the door. (That isn't really helping also) I have contemplated having an affair...there just aren't alot of takers for a lady who is tired most of the time, with kids, and a bit overweight. I also don't know if I would be able to live with myself after I did it-my guilt would be too much and he would never consider sharing me with anyone else.

So here we sit...he got his hearts desire. He got his two beautiful children (twins; so he lucked out), a roommate who has a job and can help him split the bills, and a built in babysitter. Myself-on the other hand-is left to wonder what is wrong with me that my own husband doesn't want me sexually. Also, is it wrong to refuse to ask my husand for sex...Im his wife and I SHOULDNT have to ask to be loved.  Its enuogh to make you just want to scream.  I have told him in our monthly argument (about this very subject), that if I did have an affair, then he would have no one to blame but himself.  HHHMMMM, 15 years, sex twice a year (on a good year) less than that on one bad year.  I really need help with this...Im dying inside and he couldnt give a damn.  To quote him..." if we have sex all the time, then you would get bored.  But, if we have sex every now and then, its a suprise and I would appreciate it more."  Shoot, he is the main person in this home...since I work nights, he is with the kids, he cleans up sometimes :) and he does laundry, so maybe I am asking for too much...maybe not deserving any intimacy...HELP,
dickey97146 dickey97146
3 Responses May 6, 2011

...Im his wife and I SHOULDNT have to ask to be loved<br />
<br />
you are absolutely right.<br />
<br />
So<br />
Does he love you or not?<br />
Can you live like this the rest of your life or not?<br />
<br />
You are not alone in this. I suggest you check out I Live In A Sexless Marriage here at EP. There are lots of folks there who are dealing with similar situations and the same dilemma.<br />
<br />
For me the telling question was, If he loves me, how can he treat me this way - ignoring my needs and my feelings. As for an affair, generally, it might be a temporary bandaid, but often it will cause more problems than it will solve.<br />
<br />
Whatever you do....don't feel it it your fault. As one person at ILIASM says - their new mantra is<br />
<br />
It's not me. It's not me. It's not me.

There is a great book about this subject - Passionate Marriage by David Snarch...check it out.

Dear Dickey,<br />
We have much in common, but I think before you do something else, you and hubby need to try counseling. Usually couples get around to it in their 40's but you need to seek it out now. Try, Try, Try again before you leave what you got. There are other choices too.