We Had The "talk", And What A Shock!

Sharing sexual intimacy is very important in a relationship. I'm definitely not a marriage counselor but something sounds broken there. I can just imagine the pain you must feel. My wife is my best friend and we enjoy a great sex life. I feel very guilty at times because I fantasize about other woman and yes men too. You have every right to be sexually satisfied. If your partner refuses to be intimate with you then he can't expect you to not find intimacy elsewhere. We aren't designed to live like that. I hope you find satisfaction somewhere. A new partner may be what's needed to shake that tooth loose so to speak so you can move on with your life.

It is your turn so do it get that some one who will fill all your needs

It is sad that he has lost interest in you, but if he is suggesting you have a special friend, it is possible that the thought of you ******* another guy, turns him on, and he is just chicken to say so.
I would love to have a mfm ********* with my wife and another guy, or just watch her get ******, and have told her but she won't try it.

I am in a sexless marriage, and still love my wife. I would like to find a lady who still loves her husband, and would like an occasional liaison to meet that need our partners can't satisfy. I think it would make our relationships much better; although still less than ideal.

I hear you, my case not different and now am thinking on who among my friends to have this with. i must get my life on track with someone else especially to meet my sexual needs. Am not a catholic nun.

add me please

I never thought I would ever join a thread like this at such a young age. I am 22 and I am going through this with my fiance. We live together, and we love each other dearly, we do everything together and we get along very well. But we have no sex life whatsoever. I write down the dates that we have sex, and the last time was 3 months ago!!! And it was just very bad. I don't know what to do. Sex is not everything but this is a very boring relationship. I am very active, and I feel so bad at myself because he does not want me. And he says that it is not me, that he feels so tired all the time, but then he does not want to excercise to have the energy. He doesn't want me to go but then won't do anything about it. I don't know what to do. It is so silly but I feel so miserable every day over this silly thing. I am in your same position, but I don't want to break up, because I really love him, but I want this to change soon.

I feel like the whole world needs to get free from this marriage part... So many ppl are stuck and living like that in pain... Wish all of us can get separated in easier way...

Amy:

I read your post and many others on this site. i am responding to yours because i saw such striking similarities between your scenario and mine. Almost every detail including the 'Talk' (waste of time), gaining of weight, recent exercise/weight loss and recent regaining self esteem. My Sex life consists of once every 6 to 18 weeks, only missionary for maybe 6 minutes duration and my spouse is done (not me), minimal foreplay, not allowed to give oral sex (like who actually declines this?), no chance of ever receiving same (like never ever going to happen). It has been in steady decline for 8+ years. I have such building resentment that i see no recovery for our marriage, certainly not passion or affection which i desperately crave.

Here is the thing that is strange, i am a guy; my wife was apparently separated from your husband at birth. I have been under the assumption that all married guys in their 40's are just not going to get any, that is just the way of things. I simply can't understand how a woman, an attractive woman, can be in the same situation, your husband should be embarrassed, humiliated- you are not the problem here, at least not from my biased point of view.

I know sex is not everything, just a part of marriage, but take 10% of the parts out of your cars engine and what do you have? (nothing). I am getting ready to ask for a trial separation, i no longer care about the other consequences. You only go through life once, I am not going look back during an inevitable divorce when I am sixty and regret waiting so long.

Amy, I am going to find a woman like you, with whom i have mutual chemistry and attraction and then do every thing i can to keep her happy and satisfied at least sexually for as long as possible (i figure i have a good 10+ plus years left before an inevitable decline:( ).
I think you should do the same, who knows, maybe we bump into one another?

Nesoa

U go

I suppose. Though what is the alternative?

So youre going to cheat? Anyways i wish my husband would tell me hes not in love anymore. I could leave him guilt free but he insists he wants to work on it . I still believe he has some other motive to work on it. How could he be in love amd not desire intimacy? Its impossible

There should be a clearing house for people like us.

I hope that works for you. I don't think I could do that because of the guilt thing.. I'm going through the same things.. My wife does not respond AT ALL??

Try me as I will be quite safe for you. Only you will have to travel once to my place. lund_chhunni rediffmail com

Here is how the sexless marriage started for me. My wife has never been passionate about anything in our relationship except my ability to produce a high income. Travel, nice home and a flexible schedule are her fondest aspects of being married and for that she can sometimes feel inclined to oblige some physical relations if they are set to her expectations.

For just shy of 40 years I have worked at trying to have something besides an evening where she "gets in the mood" by getting drunk and then doing the old get it over with will you routine.

Now, I'm a tall handsome man with no worries in the equipment area or talent to make it work. But over the last couple years we've gone through a dramatic shift in my income and things are very tight. This causes her great distress and effects both her feelings towards me and her near non-existent libido in a very negative fashion. I have finally gotten to the age and the point in my life where I see no upside in being physically intimate with a paycheck *****. I love her, have no desire to find someone else or even consider fooling around. But I'm so over basically being a friend with very infrequent benefits. I can get the same satisfaction buying a dog and watching ****. I'm done with trying to share any passion with her until the day she figures out the difference between obligatory sex and being intimate physically with someone you love. Until that time if it ever comes, as long as there is Internet I can take care of physical needs myself. At least there is no heavy booze smell and I don't get belligerent with myself.

if u decide to move on and have wild sex...use protection!!! u don't want another disappointment!...take care of uourself, so you can best take care if your kids.



before u do anything, get the guy tested and then use a condom!

I relate to your situation - same as mine. How did you get the courage and self-confidence to lose the weight....I have put on 80 lbs since my 3-year sexless marriage.

From my own experience within a sexless marriage, I could pontificate indefinitely on this subject, but I must quickly share an urgent recommendation. Please, DO NOT HAVE AN "AFFAIR"! If you should decide to proceed with a divorce, this will undermine the leverage that you have now as the injured spouse and will be reflected, negatively, in the financial compensation to you for his neglect. Although it is difficult to consider, your husband, by suggesting that you find a "special friend", may be cynically and deliberately setting you up for this financial loss.....a loss which will be his gain......and only further heighten your sense of outrage in having been denied normal marital sexual expression and satisfaction.....an important HUMAN need!



Although there is no immediate remedy for this abuse, if your husband continues to sabotage your attempts to address the problem seriously, you deserve, at the very least, to be financially compensated for having been denied the reasonable expectation of sexual intimacy within your marriage. Keep in mind that there will be expenses for you to manage which are the direct result of his neglect of and indifference toward you, not the least of which is counseling (of which you will probably need to avail yourself). There is a legal term for this kind of injury. However, I cannot recall it at the moment.



You have endured your husband's neglect for a very long time. I urge you to continue to exercise restraint throughout divorce proceedings, should you decide to end your marriage, and retain the strength of the position that you are in at this time. I wish you success in this terrible and undeserved journey. In addition, I strongly suggest that you check the "browsing history" on your husband's computer and, should you find anything "incriminating", print it, pronto! I am a borderline "electronic illiterate", but inadvertently discovered how to do this. My husband was completely unaware that I had discovered answers to the questions about our sexless marriage with which I had struggled for more than two decades! Prepared to deny the facts, when (after my discovery) I initiated "the talk" (yet again) and he declared that I "prove it", I was prepared with the printed material to do so!



He was never able to satisfactorily explain his withdrawal of intimacy with me......saying only that he was, essentially, constitutionally apathetic, and had (within the first two years of our marriage) completely lost his interest in sex, generally. Through the Internet, one can find a sexual snakepit of which most wholesome people are completely unaware. Any sexual persuasion can be satisfied and ones spouse can, with frightening ease, conceal all kinds of activity without being easily detected. There is no shortage of callous, self-serving women and financially desperate women, who feel quite entitled to intrude into another woman's marriage and participate in the infliction of pain upon them and their children. Sadly, there is an endless stream of infantile men quite willing to indulge themselves and demean these willing women.......consequences to themselves and their families be damned.



I'm rooting for a positive outcome for you and anyone else in this untenable, extremely painful position.

So why the hell is it so hard for a man and a woman both in the very same situation you have described to hook up? This should be a snap. It isn't though. I tried three times to find some lonely woman who is being told by her husband that she needs to find a lover just as I am being told by my wife that I need to find a lover. Shouldn't this just happen like easily? It is a major hassle to do on Craigslist cause of all the flakes. Anybody know where there is a place especially for people like us? Thanks in advance.

Me too! After only a year of marriage (7 years together) my wife suggested I get a consort, she was no longer interested in sex. It's been over a year since then and I don't see her changing her mind....if you'd like to chat sometime message me. ;-)

If a man really loves a woman then a few extra pounds will not ruin the passion or the desire to have her. A woman with a few extra pounds still has the ability to make herself look very sexy. Really any woman can make herself look sexy I to someone who wants her. It sounds like you have fixed that problem though in an attempt to get his attention and it did not work. I hate the comment about finding someone else to please you, which tells me he really no longer cares. A woman does not deserve that so it’s a good time to just move on. There is always a man out there that is willing to give the world to a woman.

I have nothing against **** and have watched plenty of it myself but, if he is watching it on his own without you there is a problem. **** together can be used to get each other aroused or give each other ideas but, alone it’s just something to help you get off on your own. Time to move on and find someone more into you and not into **** or letting you find something else.

LADIES -- if your man doesn't seem interested in having sex with you here is the absolute best and HONEST advice you will get from a man:



Get in shape.



Stop putting off losing those extra pounds (we ALL have them), and make a commitment to a PROGRAM of proper diet and exercise. Get that *** trim and you'll feel a lot more confident, he'll start looking at you differently and he'll fall in love all over again.

Your story is sooo similar to mine that you could have read my mind. I am 41, married for 11 years and have had no intimacy for over a year now. Before that it was only sporadic, every couple of months and only when he was interested. Like you, I have spent way too much time and far too many tears trying to figure out what was wrong, how I could change it, and in the end I would always end up rejected and sometimes ridiculed for my "problem". The only consolation I have reading others stories is to reaffirm to myself that it really is hurtful and that there is not something wrong with me as my husband tends to tell me. We get along fine as friends- to share a steak and a beer but he just does not want anything more from me. Like you, deep down I think that I would have the same response ( if he would discuss it but he will not), I am a friend, not a lover. Also like you, I have found myself gaining weight and I also know much of it is from feeling so rejected. My self esteem has plummeted totally because of him. For now I am simply putting in time, hoping that something will change but I know it will not. How could someone be so insensitive to their partner in life? In some ways I wish he would just say that he doesn't love me anymore and I would be forced to end it. The thought of spending the rest of my life without intimacy is very depressing and I find myself spending a lot of time trying to figure out what I have done to cause his indifference.

Try sharing...start wit a 'soft swap'. See where this goes. I'm sure It can't make things worse than they are. It may be the 'spark' your relationship needs!

You will be very surprised at the results....have fun and just surrender to the pleasures of life.

Depression or drugs that control depression are often very deleterious to the libido.

Or he may have some long term resentments.

The other thing maybe he has low testosterone levels.

You are entitled to passion and good sex. It's time for you to enjoy life. It's time dress sexy be hit on by men and women who think you are sexy. Live life. Feel free to ask me how!

I could have written this as well, and I heard that from my own wife as well.



You have to be honest with him. If he has given you the OK to have a side lover, let him know you expect to be able to bring the guy home, because this YOUR home as well as his. Hubby might have a problem with this, or might actually go along with it. It's not to humiliate him, but to make it real to him in a way that he cannot avoid. The last thing you want is your husband's "permission" to skulk around like a sneak.



So let the FWB discussion involve a relationship out in the open - which means you have a house guest two or three nights a week. If hubby doesn't want to join you, he can always sleep on the couch. After all, it's YOUR bed as much as his.

I could have written this as well, and I heard that from my own wife as well.



You have to be honest with him. If he has given you the OK to have a side lover, let him know you expect to be able to bring the guy home, because this YOUR home as well as his. Hubby might have a problem with this, or might actually go along with it. It's not to humiliate him, but to make it real to him in a way that he cannot avoid. The last thing you want is your husband's "permission" to skulk around like a sneak.



So let the FWB discussion involve a relationship out in the open - which means you have a house guest two or three nights a week. If hubby doesn't want to join you, he can always sleep on the couch. After all, it's YOUR bed as much as his.

Your husband has admittedly failed to be the husband you deserve. He will never change and is not capable to be this man. His Sexual nature and level of intimacy is what it is. All the talks and councilling in the world will not bring more then temporary changes. I suggest you get on a mission and change your life. First get your financial path into a good plan of action. The plan does not have to be perfect but needs to be in place. It is strange he gave you his permission to go find a discrete lover. I asked "why does he want to stay in the marriage" too. Take him up on his offer but allow yourself to find the man of your dreams. Don't hold back. You only live once. Go find the man that completes you.