We Had The "talk", And What A Shock!

So I finally worked up the courage to sit hubby down and have yet another “talk”, with him.
The kids were both at sleepovers, and I thought this was the perfect time.  I just started out by saying I love him dearly, but these last few years I have felt more and more lonely, and really miss the closeness, and intimacy we once had. I feel like he has just lost any interest in me, life has become such a rut. We both work,  me only part time, and I keep up the house, taxi the kids around, do all the shopping, and most of the cooking.
I just asked him straight out why he seems to never be interested in sex anymore, six months in between, is just not normal.  I try to initiate most of the time, and far less than I really want to for fear of continued rejection. He has never been the worlds greatest lover, just the basics, always missionary, as soon as he is ready, we have had enough foreplay, and time to get down to business, for a few brief minutes, then bam, it’s over, he rolls off me, and he is falling asleep, and I am just wondering why I even want this, and so many times just cried myself to sleep.
But I guess it is partially my fault. Before we met, I was attracted to, and always ended up with, some pretty hot guys, and hot lovers. But after my heart was broken seemed like time after time, I went with a luke warm guy, the safe bet, that would never leave me.  Oh what a fool I was. But he is a good father, and a good provider.  But often irresponsible, and a procrastinator. When he starts something, he seldom finishes it.  Kind of like what I get out of sex with him.
 Honesty, when this started a few years ago, like 5, I felt so ugly, undesirable, I did turn to my other friend for comfort…. Food. I gained like 70 lbs, I think to justify why I felt rejected, and just stuff my face seeking comfort. So finally I decided I needed to make more effort, I joined the gym, I bought new clothes, when I got back to normal. Got a Victoria’s Secrets account, and new things I would let him see me in. Tried to give him “the look”, snuggle up next to him and pretend I actually “liked” watching Nascar and football with him.
I have done everything, for the past 2 years or so to get his attention. If I try to rub his back, or touch him at all in bed, it’s like I have the plague. Guys check me out all the time, and I have many flirt, and just straight out offers. While flattering, I just wanted my husband to desire me.
Up until now, he would just change the subject during our talks, say he is so tired, has a headache, not in the mood…. WTF?  I thought it was only women that got the 10 year headache, and men want sex all the time!!!  I know he watches **** sometimes, so he must have desire. Why not for me?
Well now the truth comes out. He says he loves me, but does not feel in love with me, doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. He sees me as his best friend. Wow. I am hurt beyond words. I don’t know what to say. I somehow imagined, hoped, that he would see how lonely I have been and be a man and do something about it. I am committed to my kids, at least for a few more years, or I would be done.
But then it gets worse. I suggest counseling, but he says it’s too expensive and doesn’t see it leading anywhere. I ask him if he has someone else, and he swears no. Then, he says it would be ok with him if I found a special friend, to fill those needs for me. I thought I was shocked already.
After I thought about our “talk”, I have come to realize that he will never be the man I want, is not willing to even try. I think he either has or wants to have a special friend for himself.
This was in March. It has taken me this long to come to grips with this. Since then I have seen no effort from him.  And honestly at this point, I guess this is what he wants, and while not my ideal, I think I am accepting the idea.
What the heck, it’s my life, it is time I do something about it. I have read and explored here quite a bit in the past few weeks. I want passion, I want romance, yes and I so want hot wild sex….. there I said it. It is my turn.
itsAmysturn itsAmysturn
41-45, F
39 Responses May 19, 2011

wow, great story, well, well written anyway.
You are so lucky to be a woman, you have the opportunity to find the intimacy that you need.
As a man, it is far more difficult to find.

Very nicely presented. I received the same speech from my husband. He told me up front that I should find someone else because he has no problem with that at all. I was in shock too and realized he does not care for me any longer. I think he was addicted to **** for a period of time and as a result, he cannot have a normal healthy sexual relationship any longer. He definitely has a problem since we did not have sex in 3 years and he always avoids taking about it. I am just 38 years old. I ask myself how it was possible to get into this mess. How in the world I can escape it?Anyway... in my opinion ...a guy that says that to it's wife is either impotent or has a lover...none of them excluded with my husband! i just need to figure out which one is it! I would be curious to hear the rest of your story!


Dear itsAmysturn,

your relationship sounds out of balance... I am seriously shocked that he would suggest you find a "special friend"... seriously... I think no matter how expensive counselling is.. you both NEED to get it done. Otherwise all i see is a long and heartbreaking road for you.

He doesn't seem attracted to you... or into you.... I frankly think that is awfully selfish of him.. he does need to tell you why so you can either do something about it or he can take action....

If he is adamant about not going for counseling or getting the situation fixed.. then it is time to look for someone else... seriously... IF I was a guy, if my gal tells me there are issues.. and IF I was concerned about her well being.. I will DO STUFF.. to fix the situation... talk to her or together with her and a counselor to see how the situation can be fixed. ... I will try my best ... so that we become lovers again.... my gawd.. if I just wanted best buddies.. I wouldn't get married....

Reading stories like this makes me feel mad actually.. I have this gal I really love but she doesn't want a relationship.. and I'm dying to tell her and love her to the best of my ability... but... I can't cos I'm afraid it will jepodize what friendship we have... boo hoo... and here I am reading about a guy, with a great wife and he's not interested... I mean.. wat the hey...... man needs to be smacked.. hard....

Oh how heartbreaking for you.

I'm very early into a relationship ... only 11 months. Already we don't have sex unless I initiate it, and it's very vanilla. I feel "that rejected" feeling so often, I feel lonely, I feel broken. Like you food is my comfort, and I know it's not doing me any good.

He calls me his "best buddy" and it just breaks my heart as I want to be his lover and his friend, not just a "buddy".

If your hubby says he has no problems with you fulfilling your needs with someone else, I would go for it. Prior to this relationship, I had a few FWB relationships. They were fabulous! Hot, urgent, sex with multiple earth shattering, full body *******. As much as I love my partner, I crave those fun FWB times in my life.

It sounds to me like you've been a dedicated, and loving mother and wife for a long time. It's time for some "ME time"!

It is your turn so do it get that some one who will fill all your needs

It is sad that he has lost interest in you, but if he is suggesting you have a special friend, it is possible that the thought of you ******* another guy, turns him on, and he is just chicken to say so.
I would love to have a mfm ********* with my wife and another guy, or just watch her get ******, and have told her but she won't try it.

I hear you, my case not different and now am thinking on who among my friends to have this with. i must get my life on track with someone else especially to meet my sexual needs. Am not a catholic nun.

add me please

I never thought I would ever join a thread like this at such a young age. I am 22 and I am going through this with my fiance. We live together, and we love each other dearly, we do everything together and we get along very well. But we have no sex life whatsoever. I write down the dates that we have sex, and the last time was 3 months ago!!! And it was just very bad. I don't know what to do. Sex is not everything but this is a very boring relationship. I am very active, and I feel so bad at myself because he does not want me. And he says that it is not me, that he feels so tired all the time, but then he does not want to excercise to have the energy. He doesn't want me to go but then won't do anything about it. I don't know what to do. It is so silly but I feel so miserable every day over this silly thing. I am in your same position, but I don't want to break up, because I really love him, but I want this to change soon.

It is almost impossible for it to change, not impossible, but almost. Don't get married unless you're SURE it's changed

You are WAY too young for that crap. In your 20's you are supposed to explore, find yourself, learn, have fun! Don't settle for anyone who is not willing or able to give you the life you need and want.


I read your post and many others on this site. i am responding to yours because i saw such striking similarities between your scenario and mine. Almost every detail including the 'Talk' (waste of time), gaining of weight, recent exercise/weight loss and recent regaining self esteem. My Sex life consists of once every 6 to 18 weeks, only missionary for maybe 6 minutes duration and my spouse is done (not me), minimal foreplay, not allowed to give oral sex (like who actually declines this?), no chance of ever receiving same (like never ever going to happen). It has been in steady decline for 8+ years. I have such building resentment that i see no recovery for our marriage, certainly not passion or affection which i desperately crave.

Here is the thing that is strange, i am a guy; my wife was apparently separated from your husband at birth. I have been under the assumption that all married guys in their 40's are just not going to get any, that is just the way of things. I simply can't understand how a woman, an attractive woman, can be in the same situation, your husband should be embarrassed, humiliated- you are not the problem here, at least not from my biased point of view.

I know sex is not everything, just a part of marriage, but take 10% of the parts out of your cars engine and what do you have? (nothing). I am getting ready to ask for a trial separation, i no longer care about the other consequences. You only go through life once, I am not going look back during an inevitable divorce when I am sixty and regret waiting so long.

Amy, I am going to find a woman like you, with whom i have mutual chemistry and attraction and then do every thing i can to keep her happy and satisfied at least sexually for as long as possible (i figure i have a good 10+ plus years left before an inevitable decline:( ).
I think you should do the same, who knows, maybe we bump into one another?


You mentioned the inevitable decline-- not true. My husband can get it up just fine and he's almost 60. That's what makes it even sadder that he doesn't want to have sex anymore.

U go

So youre going to cheat? Anyways i wish my husband would tell me hes not in love anymore. I could leave him guilt free but he insists he wants to work on it . I still believe he has some other motive to work on it. How could he be in love amd not desire intimacy? Its impossible

There's "But I still love you!" and then there's "Darling, I really love you! So much!" I only hear the first. I think there's a big diff between 'in love' and 'just love'. The latter is like you have for your kids or your parents-- not your husband or wife.

I hope that works for you. I don't think I could do that because of the guilt thing.. I'm going through the same things.. My wife does not respond AT ALL??

Try me as I will be quite safe for you. Only you will have to travel once to my place. lund_chhunni rediffmail com

Here is how the sexless marriage started for me. My wife has never been passionate about anything in our relationship except my ability to produce a high income. Travel, nice home and a flexible schedule are her fondest aspects of being married and for that she can sometimes feel inclined to oblige some physical relations if they are set to her expectations. <br />
For just shy of 40 years I have worked at trying to have something besides an evening where she "gets in the mood" by getting drunk and then doing the old get it over with will you routine. <br />
Now, I'm a tall handsome man with no worries in the equipment area or talent to make it work. But over the last couple years we've gone through a dramatic shift in my income and things are very tight. This causes her great distress and effects both her feelings towards me and her near non-existent libido in a very negative fashion. I have finally gotten to the age and the point in my life where I see no upside in being physically intimate with a paycheck *****. I love her, have no desire to find someone else or even consider fooling around. But I'm so over basically being a friend with very infrequent benefits. I can get the same satisfaction buying a dog and watching ****. I'm done with trying to share any passion with her until the day she figures out the difference between obligatory sex and being intimate physically with someone you love. Until that time if it ever comes, as long as there is Internet I can take care of physical needs myself. At least there is no heavy booze smell and I don't get belligerent with myself.

if u decide to move on and have wild sex...use protection!!! u don't want another disappointment!...take care of uourself, so you can best take care if your kids. <br />
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before u do anything, get the guy tested and then use a condom!

I relate to your situation - same as mine. How did you get the courage and self-confidence to lose the weight....I have put on 80 lbs since my 3-year sexless marriage.

From my own experience within a sexless marriage, I could pontificate indefinitely on this subject, but I must quickly share an urgent recommendation. Please, DO NOT HAVE AN "AFFAIR"! If you should decide to proceed with a divorce, this will undermine the leverage that you have now as the injured spouse and will be reflected, negatively, in the financial compensation to you for his neglect. Although it is difficult to consider, your husband, by suggesting that you find a "special friend", may be cynically and deliberately setting you up for this financial loss.....a loss which will be his gain......and only further heighten your sense of outrage in having been denied normal marital sexual ex<x>pression and satisfaction.....an important HUMAN need!<br />
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Although there is no immediate remedy for this abuse, if your husband continues to sabotage your attempts to address the problem seriously, you deserve, at the very least, to be financially compensated for having been denied the reasonable expectation of sexual intimacy within your marriage. Keep in mind that there will be expenses for you to manage which are the direct result of his neglect of and indifference toward you, not the least of which is counseling (of which you will probably need to avail yourself). There is a legal term for this kind of injury. However, I cannot recall it at the moment. <br />
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You have endured your husband's neglect for a very long time. I urge you to continue to exercise restraint throughout divorce proceedings, should you decide to end your marriage, and retain the strength of the position that you are in at this time. I wish you success in this terrible and undeserved journey. In addition, I strongly suggest that you check the "browsing history" on your husband's computer and, should you find anything "incriminating", print it, pronto! I am a borderline "electronic illiterate", but inadvertently discovered how to do this. My husband was completely unaware that I had discovered answers to the questions about our sexless marriage with which I had struggled for more than two decades! Prepared to deny the facts, when (after my discovery) I initiated "the talk" (yet again) and he declared that I "prove it", I was prepared with the printed material to do so! <br />
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He was never able to satisfactorily explain his withdrawal of intimacy with me......saying only that he was, essentially, constitutionally apathetic, and had (within the first two years of our marriage) completely lost his interest in sex, generally. Through the Internet, one can find a sexual snakepit of which most wholesome people are completely unaware. Any sexual persuasion can be satisfied and ones spouse can, with frightening ease, conceal all kinds of activity without being easily detected. There is no shortage of callous, self-serving women and financially desperate women, who feel quite entitled to intrude into another woman's marriage and participate in the infliction of pain upon them and their children. Sadly, there is an endless stream of infantile men quite willing to indulge themselves and demean these willing women.......consequences to themselves and their families be damned.<br />
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I'm rooting for a positive outcome for you and anyone else in this untenable, extremely painful position.

Me too! After only a year of marriage (7 years together) my wife suggested I get a consort, she was no longer interested in sex. It's been over a year since then and I don't see her changing her mind....if you'd like to chat sometime message me. ;-)

That sucks. Aint the point of marrying is we don't go rooting around for s*x? Might as well be single and all that since ya gotta go find a new source and worry about STD's.

Your story is sooo similar to mine that you could have read my mind. I am 41, married for 11 years and have had no intimacy for over a year now. Before that it was only sporadic, every couple of months and only when he was interested. Like you, I have spent way too much time and far too many tears trying to figure out what was wrong, how I could change it, and in the end I would always end up rejected and sometimes ridiculed for my "problem". The only consolation I have reading others stories is to reaffirm to myself that it really is hurtful and that there is not something wrong with me as my husband tends to tell me. We get along fine as friends- to share a steak and a beer but he just does not want anything more from me. Like you, deep down I think that I would have the same response ( if he would discuss it but he will not), I am a friend, not a lover. Also like you, I have found myself gaining weight and I also know much of it is from feeling so rejected. My self esteem has plummeted totally because of him. For now I am simply putting in time, hoping that something will change but I know it will not. How could someone be so insensitive to their partner in life? In some ways I wish he would just say that he doesn't love me anymore and I would be forced to end it. The thought of spending the rest of my life without intimacy is very depressing and I find myself spending a lot of time trying to figure out what I have done to cause his indifference.

Try sharing...start wit a 'soft swap'. See where this goes. I'm sure It can't make things worse than they are. It may be the 'spark' your relationship needs!<br />
You will be very surprised at the results....have fun and just surrender to the pleasures of life.

Depression or drugs that control depression are often very deleterious to the libido.<br />
Or he may have some long term resentments.<br />
The other thing maybe he has low testosterone levels.

I could have written this as well, and I heard that from my own wife as well. <br />
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You have to be honest with him. If he has given you the OK to have a side lover, let him know you expect to be able to bring the guy home, because this YOUR home as well as his. Hubby might have a problem with this, or might actually go along with it. It's not to humiliate him, but to make it real to him in a way that he cannot avoid. The last thing you want is your husband's "permission" to skulk around like a sneak. <br />
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So let the FWB discussion involve a relationship out in the open - which means you have a house guest two or three nights a week. If hubby doesn't want to join you, he can always sleep on the couch. After all, it's YOUR bed as much as his.

I could have written this as well, and I heard that from my own wife as well. <br />
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You have to be honest with him. If he has given you the OK to have a side lover, let him know you expect to be able to bring the guy home, because this YOUR home as well as his. Hubby might have a problem with this, or might actually go along with it. It's not to humiliate him, but to make it real to him in a way that he cannot avoid. The last thing you want is your husband's "permission" to skulk around like a sneak. <br />
<br />
So let the FWB discussion involve a relationship out in the open - which means you have a house guest two or three nights a week. If hubby doesn't want to join you, he can always sleep on the couch. After all, it's YOUR bed as much as his.

Your husband has admittedly failed to be the husband you deserve. He will never change and is not capable to be this man. His Sexual nature and level of intimacy is what it is. All the talks and councilling in the world will not bring more then temporary changes. I suggest you get on a mission and change your life. First get your financial path into a good plan of action. The plan does not have to be perfect but needs to be in place. It is strange he gave you his permission to go find a discrete lover. I asked "why does he want to stay in the marriage" too. Take him up on his offer but allow yourself to find the man of your dreams. Don't hold back. You only live once. Go find the man that completes you.

Go for it then, every person deserves to have a little happiness in their life and So should you :)

That's a very difficult situation you're in with your hubby. Possibly he needs some other type of stimulation to get turned on. He might have a kinky side that he's never let out. It seems as though you might have to take charge of the sexual experimentation while your hubby sorts things out.<br />
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Maybe you should try tying him up and spanking his ***....lol. Never know, might turn him on. <br />
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Be careful, play safe.

be honest with him tell him u r not happy try knew things in bed or kitchen or any where visit **** shop

Its too bad you sometimes cannot predict peoples' sex drives after a few years... Its even more complicated when there are kids involved... It always amazes me what I read on this website... Guess all guys and all gals are not the same after all...

You can sometime, just look at his pops and mamma and see what they are like ya know? if they got they own rooms and seem not close than ya got ur answer.

Hun go into a blk bar get ur self laid you need it, then go home sugest you guys start swinging if he says yes bring home bigest brotha / I bet ur hubby is gay or into other types of girls

I coulda written that. Get a brotha or two and take this partay home and show the couch tator how it is done.

Your H has made his decsion clear, he does not want to work at this marriage. You now have the same decsions to make.<br />
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Stay and cope with the situation as it is - unitl the children are old enough?<br />
Stay but find a FWB<br />
Leave<br />
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No one can make this hard decsion but you - but we can help while you sort it out in your mind. I would suggest even if you only go for one or two sessions and alone, to go to a marriage counsellor who will help you clarify your thoughts and your options. In the meantime, if you are thinking of leaving, start making plans. <br />
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It's a difficult time and I know that you must be hurting to hear what you thought, but didn't know, said to you by your husband. No one wants to hear that. I love you but............! Difficult times. Big hug.

Hi there. I am in the same situation. only I am the husband and my wife wants nothing to do with romance and sex. I have also tried the romantic dinners, but even the kissing has stopped. I don't think it will ever be the same. Our kids are now out of the house and we are alone. Still she is soooo boring. I can't stand it anymore. I love the foreplay and hot sex. The older I get the more my sex drive increases. So I would love to talk to you about our similar situations. Maybe we can help out each other. PLEASE contact me. I live in Charlotte.

I so agree that's it's past time to fulfill your desires and satisfy your needs! Thanks for being a friend too and I hope to stay in touch! Dirk

best thing for you to do is divorce him. move on with your life, find that man that rocks your world. do what makes you happy. you deserve it.

you go girl your right too! do you really want to be in a marriage with no love or sex? thats the question all you gotta do is answer it for yourself

Your story is like mine except the sexes are reversed. My wife is just not interested.<br />
Thanks for sharing.

Me, too. She used the exact same words, "just not interested"!

What happened? She seemingly went from affectionate and caring to hands off. Nothing I seem to do matters, so I just gave up trying.

Beware an affair. One reason - even if he said go ahead - he might use it against you later. Secondly, if you find someone great - you may want him more than what you are willing to accept at home - which will just leave you in a bigger mess deciding what to do - especially if he is also married and has no plans to leave there.<br />
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I know you have had a huge shock, a punch to your ego and every other part of you. Give yourself a little more time to decide how you want to proceed - not for him - but for you. Consider your options. Talk to an atty. Read more over at ILIASM.<br />
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If you've made your decision - fine. Not trying to talk you out of anything - just make sure you have all the facts and pieces and parts put together and decided on before you start down a path. Consider the best possible outcome and enjoy that feeling. Consider the worst possible outcome and prepare and protect yourself and your kids.<br />
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Best wishes on your journey

You've reached your breaking point and the tone of resignation is very clear. <br />
Yes, it's your turn now. Time to work out your exit plan and move ahead.