Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Sexless Or Loveless..?

I don't mean to pry into this group, but it was suggested to post original from 'I live in a sexless marriage' group.

We Live In a Sexless Marriage...


Aside from real physical, medical and or psychological reasons for not having sex with your spouse, I do believe the sexlessness from our spouses is truly the beginning of a loveless marriage. I have shared with so many people in my life both in person and online and the song remains the same. It starts with no sex, then spirals into no love, tenderness, care or passion.

Especially if your spouse is female, women in general have emotional ties with sex, so if the sex stops, it could be their emotional valve for you has been turned off. And for women, to turn that valve back on is quite a challenge.

For men, our hormones calls for sex, with or without emotion, we just got to release our sexual energy more often. So for a man to stop giving his spouse sex AND NOT any of the legitimate reasons mentioned above, there must be some issues to pass up sex. Not generalizing here and calling all men horn dogs, but our life being is composed of producing spermazola and on a continual basis, therefore a natural need for release. And yes of course, everything is better with love and passion.

I do think at first we all miss the sex. But we really miss the TLC. The passion for each other. The emotional bond and exchange with our mates. The exclamation of acceptance as opposed to rejection. The natural expression of our minds and souls through physical expression, ala liking what we see, touching , smelling, tasting (in all oral sense of the word...) and feeling with all of our bodies that desire of wanting to express with our loved ones! THAT is truly what we miss. Now, if you take away all the love and offered just great sex, yes a great second, but a second. Sloppy and mercy sex a far third and the terrible 4th place sex with yourself, that can sometimes be better than number 3. Then the worst of all 5th place -- NO SEX at all.

Now if we find ourselves in a relationship where our spouses have either a physical, medical and or psychological problem with libido or sexual organs, then the spectrum changes, because it would mean the physical condition of no sex is prevalent, but love, tenderness and care are still a major part of the relationship. This type of situation I feel is one that is not part of this group. It is entirely another situation, a commendable one on this type of relationship.

So aside from the above situation, we are all here because what starts as no sex, is slowly basting into no affection and connection with our spouses. And that is where my point of: when a spouse stops wanting to give you sex, they are the ones cheating on us first and that just sucks, and not literally, because else, we would all be having fun instead of writing posts like these!

At first, I really missed the sex, then I really miss the touch of a women, because of that law: only with my wife... Then I missed the fact that I can desire my mate entirely, her looks, her smell, her touch, me touching her, wanting to exchange love in all forms only to be denied! Again, I have to obey the law, right. Then I missed the fact of being wanted. To not feel rejected or dejected. I mean, if my wife does not want me, who does? Again, on my part obey the law. So my plea: I cannot have sex, love and/or passion with my wife; try not to be turned on by her being her; look at her, but not too much because it will lead no where; and on top of that not think, look or act that there is possibly another woman out there for me or at least one that needs to be desired and loved? Wow, what an incredible commitment this marriage thing really, really is...

So we stay in a relationship where we are roomates at best, sharing a household, just about as civil as can get and cutting off our desires and just going through the motions until, until, until..? I truly think this is not what marriage is all about, a dead relationship sentence for the spite of what? Your life? What about hers. You know it has to suck for my wife to live with someone she really doesn't love anymore! And maybe I am the dead weight problem just hanging around thinking she is gonna love me again. Dang, perhaps it is I the true problem here!

For the kids: Ok, yes my main reason at first. But I see that they feel the thick air in the house. They can possibly grow up with a complex that we stayed together suffering JUST for them. Wow, that is such a nice gift we can give our children. Do not think for one minute, they do not know what is going on.

For the sacrament: Sure, cut of several branches of what life is about, sacriface it all, because you are committed to forever. Even if forever means sharing a life with someone that does not want you. That committment in other situations is called stalking...

For the Friends and Family: What would they think. After divorcing, seeing both of you happy!

For the bank: I guess there are situations where it's cheaper to keep her/him.

For other: <please fill in the blank>

Everyone, I am sorry if I do not make light of what this is all about. Because it is not a light subject. It is a serious one. I am tired of sugar coating what we are experiencing, because those of us who have hung on long to a loveless marriage know the deep cut feelings we have inside oursevles. It hurts. It is not right. It is not healthy. It is not smart to continue a personal "non-growing" sentence.

Peace with us all.

Favorite quote:

"If we are not growing, we are dying."

lonewolf11 lonewolf11 41-45, M 41 Responses Mar 16, 2008

Your Response


Hi lonewolf11. I am frankly amazed at the number of men living in outwardly happy and successful marriages that none the less go without because the wife is never in the mood or always finds some other excuse to avoid having to fulfill the singular purpose of marriage which is to civilize and legitimize sex. Could this be the reason why great men such as Buddha, Gandhi and Jesus seldom marry? Abraham was a little more lucky, his first wife accepted his concubine but their descendants have brought us to the brink of world war with their perennial squabbling. Being a wealthy king, Solomon had more than one wife to choose from. He may have been the worlds wisest man but he was definitely not the happiest if Ecclesiastes in the Bible is anything to go by. I'm not trying to offend anyone. These are my honest observations.

I agree love is not necessarily about sex. We all have different needs sexwise, but we all need love. It is so sad that there seems to be loads of men and women who would like (& benefit) from casual sex with strangers but don't seem to be able to get it. I'm up for it if you are!

First there was sex, then love, then religion which created repression and guilt. I think atheists probably have a better time.

I have said this before, in this group and in other places, but my firm belief on the idea of a "sexless marriage" is that for one partner in a marriage to deny the other partner physical intimacy is a blatant violation of the traditional marriage vows. I think we are all familiar with the line in the traditional vows, " have and to hold...". What do those words REALLY mean? They are talking about physical intimacy. Not necessarily sex, but certainly sex is a part of that. For one partner to deny another said physical intimacy is not only a very UNLOVING thing to do, but also a blatant violation of the marriage vows. Certainly, no loving partner would want to have sex with their spouse if it causes severe pain or discomfort...but if not sex, then what about other forms of physical intimacy? Touching, caressing... and if intercourse is not possible, why not oral intimacy? If intimacy it removed from the marriage, then the marriage is over. My feeling is that any person, man or woman, who remains in a marriage with a spouse who is denying them physical intimacy is a fool... confront you partner! Demand what they promised when you exchanged vows! And if they will NOT, then tell them it's over, that if THEY are not going to provide for one of your basic human needs, then you need to be free to find it elsewhere.
I do NOT, however, feel that a denial of physical intimacy is a free license to cheat on your spouse. No, two wrongs do NOT make a right! Man-up (though this applies equally to women) and face the problem, don't go squirreling around getting sex elsewhere, while putting on a front of a "happy marriage"... face the music, declare that the marriage is over, and give yourSELF a fair chance to find a new relationship with the appropriate level of intimacy! But perhaps before you marry again, you should create a pre-nup defining physical intimacy as a requirement. Just a thought...

Hi Everlast82. There is a lot of sense in what you say about the role of sex in marriage. My parents divorced when I was a kid, largely due to my father's excessive drinking. In the days before Australia adopted pan- American no fault divorce my mother filed on the grounds of 'constructive desertion', which is legal jargon for 'too p(issed) to perform'. They fought a supreme court saga lasting ten years that ended only when neither of them could afford to go another round, with the value of the family's main asset, the family home, having been spent entirely on legal costs. There were no winners apart from the lawyers who must have laughed all the way to the bank. My mother got married again to someone else but for the rest of his life I never saw my father look at another woman. He was perhaps one of those people who remain better off if they never marry. The tragic waste of their joint assets was entirely avoidable. I attribute the contest to vengeance fueled by sexual misunderstanding and a general reluctance to be frank about their personal needs and expectations, particularly with regard to sex. These things were not uncommon among the generation that survived the Great Depression and then WWII.

Lol @ "spermazola" heh heh heh

Well this does make sense, because I think I have reached the other edges of it (SM). Yes the feeling begin to go away to the point that the person who was the most important in your life(current wife) just about doesn't exist. In the begining of this marriage it was if not other women existed in the world, I had it all and a woman , wife and lover who satified every desire a man could have, She has pretty much destroyed all of it,using menopause as a reason, but now I suspect it's a convenient excuse and away went the kissing , touching, seeing her naked, sex or even discussion about anything related to it.
I have resigned myself to the fact she has her own new agenda and so do I and time will tell who or what will prevail.
While it is not pleasant to be in this situation , it is important to find a way to deal with it and maintain some level of self esteem. I know I can handle the rejection better and feel no guilt since I have always given 150% in this relationship. From her part there is no effort what so ever make any attempt at being the wife she was. Her rules, so let her play the game by herself. One can understand that yes maybe menopause can cause sex to be painful (even with lubrication) and that can be a turn off, bit to refuse to do anything is more and choice and decision , then a hormonal reaction.

Hi mandown. I sympathize and agree. If a partner finds intercourse to be painful or unpleasant after menopause that in itself is no good reason to avoid sexual activity altogether. All it takes is honesty, a little imagination and a willingness to experiment. We all have to come to terms with unwelcome changes in our body as we age. Being prepared to open your legs is one thing, but in my opinion nothing is sexier than an open mind. It is surprising how much fun an agreeable couple can have in bed with a pressurized can of whipped creme. I call it Peaches 'n Creme. Breakfast of champions. Even after menopause my GF still has lovely 'Peaches'.

Well said, I was in that marriage and was too young to really communicate and work on my marriage, I wish I had tried harder, but I walked away. My sexual and emotional needs weren't being met and I'm sure his wasn't being met by me. Life, you live and you learn

so sad. you're me. my thoughts were in your print. if you find a handy answer, pls post it.<br />
i have faith but after 40+ years, it's thinning. god bless and stay strong, wherever you go

You have pretty valid points, and I agree with most of them.. in my experience, what good is there for a woman whose man is always seeking to have sex with her but never trying to satisfy her? caring for his thirst only but still becoming angry when she seems unhappy after a sexual encounter where he practically used her as a cumbucket but unwilling to stop satisfying him? love is not there, long before sex disappears. So I don’t think lack of sex is one of the initial symptoms to an unhappy marriage, I think lack of sex is one of the keys to recognize an unloving relationship, where selfishness reigns.. which eventually gets odd for the person giving in.

Not sure if you were referring to my initial story. I assure, this forum is under the assumption that 'the sexless party' did not originate from self indulging selfish sex at the start. Your point is valid, I do not believe in that kind of empty sex at all. I am referring to what seems like a loving relationship that all of a sudden goes unloving due to unknown reasons, not valid ones like physical issues or tired of selfishness, which I would think could be voiced?

I've been in a sexless marriage going on 10 years now and it's both a relief and despressing acceptance to know I'm not alone. I love my wife, but everyone has physical needs as well. It's been extremely difficult, but I've managed to NOT cheat on her during my time and have safe "outlets" in the forms of websites like this and making a few female friends I can confide in and they act as sisters/best friends to lean on. Naturally, I don't tell my wife about them (she wouldn't be happy about it), but without my outlets, I know I'd probably stray from the marriage. It's a tough existence...

Wow, Im there also. i could not have said it better

Unless there is an emotional or physical problem, I believe using sex as a weapon of control in a marriage is biblically wrong and emotional cruelty. Sex was created for intimacy in marriage. If there is no intimacy then why get married. You can get a roommate and have a platonic relationship and help with the bills. No strings attached and the lease is in both names living single. I believe these men and woman are passive aggressive or emotionally unavailable and instead of being honest and letting their partner go, the enjoy withholding something that only they can give to the ob<x>ject of the affliction( I mean affection?). I found out that my first husband was having an affair with his old girlfriend around the corner..for the whole four years we were married. He got herpes and had a outbreak, gave me a mean cold sore and was nice enough to not have sex with too much so I would not suspect his infidelty. But I walked in on him in the bathroom and saw the outbreak and him putting meds on the area. Then I looked in his brief case and discover he was taking antibotics for infection. I went to our family doctor to find he would not give me info because even though we were married, it was strictly confidential info. After that the marriage trust was over and never regained. Trust is a hard thing to get back after your heart is broken and you feel like the one person who is suppose to love you is only using you as a pawn for on public display. Just for appearances: no love added. Needless to say despite a counseling by myself, I let that jerk go in a hurry....and never looked back. He is still trying to maintain his pla<x>yerhood: living miserably and alone.

actually originally sex was created as the act to reproduce, but yes, in current society sex is part of the love and passionate expressions in the relationship.

No, it was all about love and passion from the beginning.

Damn that's f***ed up :-/

Great article! <br />
<br />
But I would say I don't agree with the idea that those who have no sex because of physical conditions don't belong in this group. It is not that straightforward.

Great article! <br />
<br />
But I would say I don't agree with the idea that those who have no sex because of physical conditions don't belong in this group. It is not that straightforward.

There seem to be few options. I am a decent looking man, mid 40s, in a sexless marriage. I have never cheated and have only considered it in a fantasy world. I really miss the sex. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to continue the monogomy. Even if I could find a woman in the same boat who wanted to get together just for sex, I wonder if the feelings of guilt would be overwhelming.

Monogomy refers to being in a sexual relationship with one person. You aren't in that, so it really isn't cheating.

I seen you wrote that in 2008...I of course am a of the reason my husband and jI do not have sex is because he does say he has a physical problem...ED...not severe just mild to moderate. His problem has been going on now for about 5-6 yrs..(sorry I have lost count of how long ) we have not MADE LOVE in so many years I can not speak of it. at first was absolutely incredible! for several years too, for several years people could actually see the connection we had, outsiders could feel it themselves. so it is really hard for me to realize all of that just went away for him to not want to do anything about his ED. his solution was self pleasure all the time to create blood flow. Which, him not wanting me at all ever really began to hurt me when I seen he had pleasured himself, (my question was to him "how can you do that all the time but can not make love to me ever?") knowing that eventually by him doing that all the time, would really create a problem of me not being able to saticfy him at all! thru out all the time we have not HAD SEX...we have had sex sessions I will call it...but it is me performing oral sex on him, and I feel so bad that I kinda resent him because I never received anything in return, didn't ask, and jof course he NEVER OFFERED. Without saying, I new when I performed oral sex for him that I would get nothing in return, but it meant so so so much to me to just be a part of his sexual saticfaction. I would have rather been a part of that than nothing at all. I know when a mans manhood is not as it use to be takes alot, especially as sexual active as he was (very very very much active) but he showed no concern of it...did not and really does not now care if ( I ) am ultimately saticfied secually, mentally, physically! he never did the proper things to improve his situation. He is overwieght and feels bloated he says, so having the actualy sex is a no no. but he bought a sex toy to use on me, and has me in a worse position on him than if we would make love or just have sex. he bought pills (levitra) about 2wks ago, still has not used them with me to make love, takes them for himself, took them with him out of town, but swears he has never and has not thought about cheating. I am not deformed or fat, i am 41 and can not really say much sexy stuff about myself cause to be honest since this started he has totally demolished any self-esteem or confidence in myself i ever had, i love him so much....i want him and i so much miss frankly the intimacy. I have been upfront with him explaining that i am the type of person who NEEDS the intimacy and that i miss with all my heart our moments together..he just got mad and jtold me to go find it if he doesn't give me what i need. i understand the impotence problem but i have seen with my own two eyes it isn't as bad as he says....oral sex works, SELF PLEASURE works. but it doesn't with me. I have talked to him or tried to explain my feelings as gently and open heartedly as possible, he just gets mad! I am so angry, at myself, so hurt at him, and so lost because i use to be good enough for him and now I am not. Thank you for your words, tho not really the comfort people want but the truth and oh so right!

I am a man with "physical, medical and or psychological problem with libido or sexual organs" My marriage is basically sexless because of my injury that has left my penis and whole genital area "denervated" Meaning the nerve supply has been CUT off. <br />
<br />
I do fear losing my wife but I am just not physically to perform sex.

But you still have 10 fingers and a tongue, and you have hugs and kisses and kind words and loving looks and the ability to give a massage. Go for it- trust me on this, she will be fine if you continue to act like a loving husband even if you can't penetrate her with your penis.

That really sucks that you have nerve damage, i am a woman and i have some advice for your situation:
If you make sure to put in more effort than ever before, in letting her know you love her, like her, and find her attractive, I doubt the nerve damage will be a "deal breaker" for her. As others have said manual and oral stimulation are options. Also, perhaps you guys should pick out some adult toys to not only keep things going but to add something new at this time. Even if you have already used toys, i doubt you have used all the types out there! you can find one that is new to you both. Get a few different ones, because it will give you more options in the bedroom.
Try not to let your entire attitude toward yourself change because you have nerve damage in one area. If it was your foot you wouldn't let that affect your manhood, so why this? Lesbians can maintain long lasting monogamous relationships, so if you put forth the effort and confidence you had before it shouldn't cause your marriage to fall apart. I think most men in a situation like yours will let their confidence fall so low, they act differently. Then when the relationship changes or ends they blame the physical, not realizing that every aspect of who the were changed. If you don't beat yourself up about things beyond your control, and get creative, you might even get more emotional satisfaction from your marriage than ever before.
I really hope this helps, just remember if women can satisfy women, than you can still satisfy your wife regardless of the nerve damage.

It is a wake up call that your husband my not be into women. For a man to say he loves a woman but will not show her the honor of that love the highest form of physical ex<x>pression is to disrespect her.<br />
There is something else far more serious going on. Wake up and get out. Marriage is about the combining to all that you have with someone and their loving support of you. I'm not talking about a situation that starts off great and then something goes wrong. I mean the situation is wrong from the beginning. You know it. You feel it. Get the hell up out of it.<br />
Enjoy the one life you have with someone who will love you and show you love in all of its ex<x>pressions.

there really aren't words to describe the feeling when you finally have to admit that the one person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with no longer wants you. and not just sexually, but in every other way as well. except maybe for the cooking and cleaning it's a slow process of destroying everything about yourself you thought was there, am i no longer attractive, have i become someone that turns him off, what have I done??? It's a hard road to accept

The sad part is that you might leave this marriage... only to end up with the same situation with someone else. Spontaneous and caring women are very very very VERY hard to locate.

Melfrank3846, I can understand how you feel, because my husband, who is much older than me, is diabetic too.<br />
After 5 years of no sex, we are now trying to fix our sexless marriage, which is rather difficult, since he will not go to the doctor.<br />
In my husband's case, the loss of libido and ed are the side effects of medications he took.<br />
I have also persuaded my husband to do the 'kegel exercise for men' more regularly. The last time he did the exercise, after a few days, something seemed to kick in, and he started having morning erections. He started the exercise again recently and I can see some difference, definitely much stronger erections.

hi, i am new here, but my husbands fix to create blood flow was SELF PLEASURE.. I have tried so many times to explain that is a temporary fix for you and will actually destroy our sex life together, he refuses to yes I am glad to see that someone else knows about the "kegel exercises" for men that will improve blood flow and not SELF PLEASURE. I do hope things have gotten better for you!

I actually found out my husband was doing that and not providing me with any sex life or intimacy. I found it to be a slap in the face.

I am 40yrs old and my hubby is diabetic which makes getting it up not easy I guess. He has tried the little blue pill or whatever they call it but still nothing I don't think he puts alot of emphasis on it. But yet he is a great provider and does everything under the sun for me but we have not had sex in 3yrs. Do I want to cheat yes, but thenI would feel bad but how can he possibly think we can go on like this with no sex. I'm not sure about anyone here but I love sex. I love touching kissing, and all of the above so what's a girl to do?

Interesting...I have older men asking me for sex constantly who claim to be in sexless marriages...these are men who dont want to leave their wives...just ones who are looking for a bit of excitement and intimacy...god; anyone who thinks it's normal to conduct an intimate relationship with anyone without sex is dreaming, absolutely DREAMING in my and women are hard-wired to screw....and if you're not, you need to ask why...

I am new here and just read your post..I am in awe because you have taken the words out of my mouth ..I don't think I have ever felt so unloved..unwanted..and undesirable..

My guy lost interest in sex with me just when our relationship was at its high-point. So its now completely without anything remotely physical. Even words of affection vanished.<br />
<br />
But that is not what has me totally foxed : he became the most caring guy in the world for me. In the mundane sense. He is generous, goes out of his way to do things for me and is always there if I am in any kind of need.<br />
<br />
If you think this is not confusing enough, try this for size : he is on internet dating sites which I stumbled upon. But I am confident that he is not meeting/phoning anyone yet. Its just on the net.<br />
<br />
He is 60 and retired.<br />
<br />
Will he really be able to arouse the interest of the 20-something girls he mails to? Why isnt he telling me that he does not want to have anything to do with me? He is getting nothing from me. On the contrary he is always doing things for me.<br />
<br />
Am I stupid to be complaining? Shouldnt I just enjoy the material comforts he provides? Since I'm not interested in anyone else, this should work just fine, right? But its not. Its painful. Whats happening here? Can anyone make some sense of this for me, please? I'm totally foxed.

That is the best, most well-thought-out and well-written piece I have seen on the subject, Lonewolf. Amazingly well written. Much food for thought there. Thanks for sharing it with us.

I feel sorry for you, I don't think people are meant to live this way. I can't imagine living with someone and not having sex with them unless they were sick.

Wpw. I've been to hell and back but did not think I would end up getting old(older) and still alone. For a time it was OK because it was better than being with the wrong one. NOW I know what is important. That special soulmelded connection that few seem to understand or agree with. When a look into their eyes really shows their soul and sometimes even gives a glimpse into their past and future. This can be a connection that simply takes things to a different level. An intense level that can allow for pure honesty, pure trust, and a love so deep that it begs pushing the limits of that love(if so desired) while knowing nothing can hurt it.It's that kind of connection that takes Love and sex to a much higher level. I didn't think it would be so hard to find that connection. I don't want perfection.A warm loving touch would be kind of life restoring for awhile but I really want much more. Much more in the way of connection...and soulmelding that transcends what most believe possible.At this point I would settle for most anything like a genuine friendship without giving up on...much more.You might want to check my story..."I have PTSD, ask me anything", and more.The longer I am alone, the more open minded I become...then I need a reality check

Wow wolf... this is an odd place to find such an essay... I mean one would expect that your readers would be women... but you say it well.<br />
<br />