Will this ever get better? Is there any hope?

I had the best sex I ever had with my husband. We were so deeply connected that it took sex to a whole different level for me. I couldn't believe that I hadn't experienced this until the age of 31. After a year, we got married and moved in together and within 4 months, it all went downhill. I should mention that he's 12 years older than me.

He was going through a difficult period with his family and I tried to be helpful in any way possible. I noticed that our sex life went from several times a week to only about once a week. I attributed it to his stress levels and didn't make it a big deal. After several months, the family stress all bu disappeared, but we went from having sex 4 - 5 times a week to once a month. Here I was technically a newlywed and having sex once a month.

I figured that I'd have to try to initiate things and for the first time in my life, I did. I got rejected 9 times out of 10. At first, it was because he was tired, then because he had work to do, then because we had argued the week before and he wasn't over it. The excuses continued and I bought them at first.

Our relationship in every other sense is great. We genuinely enjoy spending time together and continue to plan our lives together. Although he's not expressive verbally, I know he loves me and sex was one of the ways he showed me. After 6 more months, I realized that I was the only one initiating. I wanted to make sure I wasn't imagining anything and tried a hands off approach. We didn't have sex for 2 months when I finally broke down and initiated, it was obvious that he wasn't into it. Although his body responded to me, he seemed not to be emotionally into it. Foreplay became simply about me giving him oral sex while he looked like he was asleep. Sex was robotic and we would get through the entire thing without him even touching me once. Not even once. The majority of my clothes would be still be on, I'd been given no stimulation whatsoever and the whole thing lasted a few minutes without him touching me, kissing me or cuddling afterwards like we used to.

I felt repulsive. Completely unattractive and for the first time in our relationship I became incredibly self-conscious. I didn't want to undress in front of him and he didn't seem to care anyway. I continued to have men approach me outside of the house. They would give me compliments, ask to take me to dinner and flirt with me, but when I came home, my husband was more interested in watching TV than me. I haven't changed my appearance since we started our relationship. I'm in very good shape and I take care of myself. I take care of the house (I am responsible for all the cooking, cleaning, groceries) and we make exactly the same income. I believe I've shown that I am a good partner.

We had decided to start trying to have kids from the beginning of our relationship. I got worried after almost a year and saw a fertility specialist. She did all kinds of tests and everything came back perfect. She asked how often we're intimate and when I told her once a month, she told me that there's nothing wrong with us, we just don't have sex often enough. I agree.

He agreed to attempt to have sex more and we've actually gone in the other direction. It's now been 2 months since we've had sex. I no longer have the energy to initiate. I just can't bear any more rejection and thinking of even trying makes me exhausted. I've tried new lingerie, romantic dinners, even suggesting we watch **** together to see if it helps. Nothing works. I've checked the computers' history to see if there's any evidence that he's watching ****, but he's not. All I find are sports sites. I've wondered if he pleasures himself, but he doesn't. He simply doesn't have any interest and can go months and months without any sex.

I'm at a loss. For the first time in my life, I feel so ugly. No matter how many attractive men approach me, my husband clearly isn't attracted to me and it kills me. I've spoken to him countless times and expressed everything I've written here. He looks sad that I feel this way and says "I guess I have to work on this" and nothing ever changes. We just have countless talks with me expressive my feelings. I've asked him if there's something he likes that I'm not doing.  I often come out and say "I'm starved" and nothing happens.

I'm so angry that I can't stand to look at him these days without feeling resentment for his rejection. This week, I haven't been able to come home before 10:00 and just sit in my office doing nothing or extend my time at the gym. I can't stand sleeping in the same bed anymore. It feels like a mockery.

I've asked him to see a doctor to check his testosterone levels, I've asked to see a therapist  - none have ever happened.  He's not taking any medication, he's works out 3 times a week, he doesn't drink or smoke. He's not gay. He seems to be engaged in every other sense except sexually. Had he never been into it, I would accept that this is just his way, but one of the best parts of our relationship was the sex.

These days I hear my friends complain about how their husbands won't leave them alone and I hate it. I wish that were the case for me.

I've decided to put our attempts to have a child on hold because I don't think I want to bring a child into this. Honestly, even if I hadn't made that decision, we rarely have sex so I'd be counting on divine conception at this point. I've wanted to be a mother for so long, I'm so angry that this sexless relationship may end up costing me that chance and I'm not ready to give that up. I think I'll give him up before losing the chance to have a child.

I know he isn't cheating on me because we're together pretty much every single free moment outside of work. I even attempted to decrease the time we spent together in the hopes that he'd miss me, but I find him home watching football every time I come home. He is a good partner in the sense that he makes himself available just not sexually. He's caring and thoughtful, but we live like a couple who've been married for 50 years.

I know this is long and I apologize. I was overcome with joy to find this group because it meant I wasn't alone. I'm too ashamed to discuss this with anyone else because my friends are nowhere close to having this problem.

Does it get any better? Do I have any hope in saving this relationship? I've tried to express my issues by communicating them. Am I missing something?

I'm angry, bitter, frustrated and most of all, humiliated.
bishir06 bishir06
4 Responses Dec 14, 2011

He doesn't want a child

Helo <br />
<br />
I have learned that men have a communication problem and will not talk about what is going on! maybe their was a problem communicating when the sex problem first occurred and it went too long! from the beginning till now and then he just shut down! if he do not want to get some help maybe a ultimatum is what you need to give him! if he do not see a marriage counselor with you to see why there is no communication, a separation in needed before you go crazy! you know how I know because I am going through the same thing and now I am at a point where I just cant take it anymore and don't want to be bothered with him. so If it is worth saving ultimatum or separation you will see you will be able to sleep with any one of these decisions.

I am dumbfounded to read your story.... it is a cookie cutout of my situation. He is 8.5 years older than me and we have been dealing with this for 3+years (no sex for 2 of them). He did have his test. checked and he does have low-t. When he was taking the replacement he said he thought things were getting better but I never noticed. I know he doesn't take care of "it" himself... he's just not into it. So. I am at the point of everyone else and either going to stay and take it in stride as a "that's what was decided for us" OR I am going to run to the hills and get out. Just not ready to decide yet so I am here. I believe in him and truly believe he would not do this to me on purpose. What is most difficult is the rejection but it is still worth it to try.

its the age dif. OR, the man might be low on testosterone OR he might be seriously ill. <br />
been there, done that too. i went to 4 different docs, and had a boatload of tests done.<br />
the verdict on me was,the early stages of Dementia. OH BOY! (notttttt)<br />
STOP! don't panic. that doesn't mean that he has it too. it might be something easily fixed.<br />
Good Luck to you and your man.