Also In a Sexless Marriage, Had An Affair
I am so glad to have found this site and this forum.
I am glad to know that I am not the only one in a sexless marriage. I have been married for 17 years now, no kids. LIke many of the stories I have read, we had sex on a regular basis up until 5 years ago. Then it became once a week, once a month, once every 6 months, once a year then none. I have asked him why we don't do it anymore and he says he is just tired. I then thought the problem must be me, he no longer finds me attractive. I have struggled since then on what to do. We get along fine, we never fight, we do things together except that one area is not being met. I have stuggled for a long time on what to do about it. I am not one to stray and never understood why one would have one. Two years ago, I was so unhappy that I thought perhaps the solution would be was to have an affair. I have resisted temptation around me, guys flirting at work or when I am out and about and have never responded. So I did the unthinkable, I googled affair and found this site. I met this guy who was married as well and had an affair with him for 6 months but dumped him because he says he was in love with me and was confused and was discussing leaving our marriages and freely see each other. That freaked me out since that was not I was looking for and did not talk to him for a year. Last year, I answered back his email that he sent months back just to put closure to that chapter of my life. He then sent emails saying he didn't realize the depth of his feelings for me for a whole year and wanted to meet for lunch. Part of me didn't want to do it because of what he put me through the first time but another part of me wanted to meet him. So, I did meet him for lunch and then rekindled our affair. A couple months into the rekindled affair, he then told me he is head over heels in love with me and then told me he is divorcing his wife. Then a week after he told his wife he is divorcing her and he found out that he is losing his son who is going to live in another country, he suddenly told me he is no longer in love with me that he now feels friendship with me and hopes to be still part of my life and be there for me when a crisis comes up and that he would still be able to email me, chat with me or talk over the phone. Part of me blamed myself for having to take him back because I can see he is still emotionally immature and another part of me thinks how is it possible for someone to be in love with someone then in an instant no longer is. He is putting me through again what he has put me through in 2006 just elevated because this time he is getting divorced. I don't think I can continue being friends with him at this point.
I wanted to mention the story because it made me realize that the saying 'it is really not that green on the other side' is true. Having to go through that affair made me appreciate my husband for some reason. He does treats me like a queen, he spoils me and I know when I get sick, he will be there for me. I still struggle with the intimacy and passion that is lacking with my marriage. I did ask him why we no longer do it. He says our marriage is more than sex. that sex is only a small part of it. I told him that small part is important to me. He says okay, we'll do it right now. That didn't sound right so we didn't do it and still havent done it. I think he hasn't touched me in 5 years now. My mom and my brother knows I am unhappy because the intimacy and passion is missing in my marriage and I have told both of them of my affair. They both said my husband is a great guy and leaving him will be the biggest mistake I will ever do. They say I will never find a man who will treat me the way he treats me. I did like the guy I had an affair with but very much disappointed on how it turned out. I thought having the affair would resolve my problem but it only made it complicated and the guilt that I feel because of it.
I am still trying to recover from the affair, he continues to want to chat, email and constantly tells me he does care me really and wants to be there for me. I feel I should cut him off completely because I feel upset after chatting with him because of what he's put me through and what he's told me.
I know this is rather long and I appreciate anyone who has read this all the way through.
Part me of really wants to stay in my marriage because most of it is really good. What I am struggling with is it is a sexless marriage and will have to deal with that. I do not want to have another affair. Right now, I decided to get a puppy that will help me focus on something else and it seems my husband likes the puppy as well.
I also wanted to say I am not proud of what I have done to my husband by straying and I have had many crying moments in private.
Thanks again for reading my story.