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Also In a Sexless Marriage, Had An Affair

I am so glad to have found this site and this forum.

I am glad to know that I am not the only one in a sexless marriage.  I have been married for 17 years now, no kids.  LIke many of the stories I have read,  we had sex on a regular basis up until 5 years ago.  Then it became once a week, once a month, once every 6 months, once a year then none. I have asked him why we don't do it anymore and he says he is just tired.  I then thought the problem must be me, he no longer finds me attractive.  I have struggled since then on what to do.  We get along fine, we never fight,  we do things together except that one area is not being met.  I have stuggled for a long time on what to do about it.  I  am not one to stray and never understood why one would have one.  Two years ago, I was so unhappy that I thought perhaps the solution would be was to have an affair.  I have resisted temptation around me,  guys flirting at work or when I am out and about and have never responded.  So I did the unthinkable, I googled affair and found this site.  I met this guy who was married as well and had an affair with him for 6 months but dumped him because he says he was in love with me and was confused and was discussing leaving our marriages and freely see each other. That freaked me out since that was not I was looking for and did not talk to him for a year.  Last year, I answered back his email that he sent months back just to put closure to that chapter of my life.  He then sent emails saying he didn't realize the depth of his feelings for me for a whole year and wanted to meet for lunch.  Part of me didn't want to do it because of what he put me through the first time but another part of me wanted to meet him.  So, I did meet him for lunch and then rekindled our affair.  A couple months into the rekindled affair, he then told me he is head over heels in love with me and then told me he is divorcing his wife.  Then a week after he told his wife he is divorcing her and he found out that he is losing his son who is going to live in another country, he suddenly told me he is no longer in love with me that he now feels friendship with me and hopes to be still part of my life and be there for me when a crisis comes up and that he would still be able to email me, chat with me or talk over the phone.  Part of me blamed myself for having to take him back because I can see he is still emotionally immature and another part of me thinks how is it possible for someone to be in love with someone then in an instant no longer is.  He is putting me through again what he has put me through in 2006 just elevated because this time he is getting divorced.  I don't think I can continue being friends with him at this point. 

I wanted to mention the story because it made me realize that the saying 'it is really not that green on the other side' is true.  Having to go through that affair made me appreciate my husband for some reason.  He does treats me like a queen, he spoils me and I know when I get sick, he will be there for me.  I still struggle with the intimacy and passion that is lacking with my marriage.  I did ask him why we no longer do it. He says our marriage is more than sex. that sex is only a small part of it.  I told him that small part is important to me.  He says okay, we'll do it right now. That didn't sound right so we didn't do it and still havent done it. I think he hasn't touched me in 5 years now. My mom and my brother knows I am unhappy because the intimacy and passion is missing in my marriage and I have told both of them of my affair.  They both said my husband is a great guy and leaving him will be the biggest mistake I will ever do.  They say I will never find a man who will treat me the way he treats me.  I did like the guy I had an affair with but very much disappointed on how it turned out.  I thought having the affair would resolve my problem but it only made it complicated and the guilt that I feel because of it.

I am still trying to recover from the affair, he continues to want to chat, email and constantly tells me he does care me really and wants to be there for me.  I feel I should cut him off completely because I feel upset after chatting with him because of what he's put me through and what he's told me.

I know this is rather long and I appreciate anyone who has read this all the way through.

Part me of really wants to stay in my marriage because most of it is really good.  What I am struggling with is it is a sexless marriage and will have to deal with that.  I do not want to have another affair.   Right now, I decided to get a puppy that will help me focus on something else and it seems my husband likes the puppy as well.

I also wanted to say I am not proud of what I have done to my husband by straying and I have had many crying moments in private.

Thanks again for reading my story.






chloe42 chloe42 41-45 62 Responses Apr 21, 2008

Your Response


Thank u I'm in need of help same thing as you only my husband is 52 and I'm 34 what do I do

One of my biggest accomplishments in life is making men hate me and women rape me. I dnt apologize for that. A lot of today’s generation is losing touch w/ ‘being fruitful’ and I will not allow my gens to go to waste. Thank God for my nerdy ambitions in psychology. I am a hypnotist. I use it for two things. Actual therapy and hypno/sex. My last gf? We did it all the time. We have done it more over the phone! Yea, they DNT teach you that in school. The very first time Tosha would be on the phone w/ me and we talked about her problems. I told her that I would fix it and I would make her have the biggest ****** in her life. (She was 35, I’m 27 so she thought I was being ‘cute’. Until we went through the procedures over the phone and I put her in a trance. I made her feel herself being penetrated by me. A bunch of sexy pulling, pushing, tasting, and suckling. She moaned w/ unbelievable intensity and came just the way I said she would two days prior. Hell her responses turned ME on!

Ya me too

Really feel your pain (in similar position myself). One of life's big injustices is that you may find others judge you more harshly for the affair, than they judge your husband for his lack of interest in you. Don't let that affect you: stand up for yourself in this and although "two wrongs don't make a right", you did not make these choices lightly or without provocation. You have tried hard to live with the loneliness and frustration, and it is not easy.

wana chat?

Your husband needs to get healthy it is not normal to not want intercourse

You should have an affair but make sure that it is without commitment from both parties.

You are not alone. I am wearing same pair of shoes. I agree it is confusing. Lonely, but the other man feels that void.

First I commend you for staying in your marriage for so long without the intimacy. Second, if you really truly don't want anything to do with the guy you had an affair with, why don't you block his email, his texts, his phone #? If you truly love your husband and you want to be with him then you shouldn't be even "talking" to this other guy. I find it hard to believe that someone can truly remain friends after having an affair. The desire to see if it can be the way it was will always be there. There will always be that "chance" that you will continue the affair. Why put yourself in the situation and have to worry about doing something that you really don't want to do? If you, personally, has never been cheated on, then you have no idea the hurt and pain that you will cause your husband. He can forgive but his heart will never be will always be there. And if he finds out that you have continued this affair over and over, it will make things worse and you may never be able to repair what has been done.

"you have no idea the hurt and pain that you will cause your husband" - this is a really damaging and judgmental comment, which in itself completely demolishes any sincerity in the first sentence. Someone who refuses intimacy with a spouse who _eventually_ after much trying succumbs to having an affair, must recognise that they themselves bear some responsibility for the eventual outcome. A marriage that is forcing someone into celibacy without their consent is a form of abuse that itself causes much "hurt and pain" that is also very difficult to repair.

Hey I know this an old story, but any woman in this situation, has considered an affair, I have no children with my husband, and i feel cheated, he never touches me. and i ve done the dog thing it dont replace the gaping hole, i hope your life has got better, over the last few yrs, at least your husband had sex with you in the beggining, I love my husband so much and at the same time i am so angry at him, its not fixable cause its the other person that has the issue and not even puppys children gifts nothing will fix it, he has to, i am considering divorce.

My life is a bit better but I sitll feel lonely I have to be honest. I am wondering though with you why your husband never touches you. Has he ever touched you ever? Is there a medical reason why he can't? My puppy has filled some of the gap but yes every so often I think about having another affair. I would never consider divorce though since my husband is good to me and am being practical given the times we all live in. I appreciate your comment Artherius.

Married 20 years, been with my husband since I was in 12th grade. Love him with all my heart. We lived together before we married. I think it started after we got married. He just doesn't touch me, no sex, nothing in 15 years. Once in a while a hug or a kiss. I keep asking him if he loves me. He says yes. When I ask why he doesn't touch me, he just doesn't answer, tells me it's all in my head, I'm crazy, or it hasn't been that long... I'm not proud of myself. I am ashamed and feel guilty. I cheated on him twice. Wish I could change that. And I cann't . I needed to be touched, to feel like I was a women, attractive, wanted.. I don't know what to do, my heart is broken, because I know deep inside he will never have sex with me again, I will never know the reason why. And I love him with all my heart. But yet I'm soooooooo lonely... Don't know what to do.....

I'm reading your comment and I understand your anguish and dilemma. I do have a question. When you asked him why he doesn't touch you and he doesnt answer... do you ever wonder why he doesnt answer? I am. Have you ever asked him what's wrong? why he doesnt answer you? Now in regards to needing to feel wanted, touched, etc.. I totally understand you, I know how that feels. In my situation, I know why he can't touch me, we discussed it but it doesnt make me feel any better when I cheated on him. I think with you.. I get the impression you want to cheat again? I know it's not the moral right thing to do but I think you need to do what you need to do to fill the void. At the end of the day.. it is up to you whether you want to cheat again. Not sure if I help you or not but wanted to share my thoughts on it.

Just read through the rest of the comments attached to your story. You certainly have lot's of choices, but all of them difficult and a sacrifice one way or the other. Hang in there, and let's chat soon. Your online pal...

Thanks online pal..

Thank you for your post BeSmartinLove. Thanks for sharing the rules to having a successful affair. Very good insight. I am still lonely, my puppy is now a dog who is now 3 yrs old and such a joy and am very attached to her. But, I still get lonely. My relationship with my husband has not change, we still get along, do things together but no intimacy. I must admit I am having thoughts again of having another affair and your comment makes me think about it even more but am leery I will have another heartache. And who knew finding the right one to do it with is easy?<br />
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Thank you again for responding to my post and sharing your rules. Take care.

I am a very good person and I am having an affair. I do not feel guilty. I feel sorrow that I lost intimacy with my husband but I tried everything I could think of to help the situation. Sending him to the doctor and now he is impotent. I am 63 and I was in a sexless marriage for 8 years. I went through the feelings of rejection and loneliness that many of you have mentioned. I also love my husband who is 9 years older. I made a mistake with my first partner and allowed myself to fall into an affair with a much younger man. When I ended that I sat down and really gave a lot of thought to what would work. Is it wrong to have an affair? It is not ideal but I do not believe I am wrong. I have been married 41 years. I have given everything to my marriage. Yes, I still love my husband and dismantling this marriage who be painful for us, our children and the rest of our relatives.<br />
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After getting acquainted with sex again and breaking up with this young man, I simply felt that sex is such a joy that I cannot give it up. These are the rules to having a successful affair.<br />
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1. Make sure before you get into WHY you are having the affair.<br />
2. Select a stable person both financially and emotionally<br />
3. Rules of the Affair:<br />
a) Find a person who is happily married with only sex as the missing component<br />
b) Agree to never make demands upon the other person BECAUSE the marriage must<br />
come first.

i want to have an affair too!! and find myself attracted to younger men lately

I had an affair and I can say without hesitation that for me it was the WORST thing I ever did. I truely wish that I had the strength then that I have now. The affair was an escape from the problem, but did solve anything. <br />
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The woman I had the affair with told my wife's family which as you cna imagine resulted in turmoil in the extreme. Its been two years since my wife found out and we are still together. I am much stronger for it and our relationship is still rocky. Now it is truely a sexless relationship. That is hard but at least we are not living a lie. I have grown over the last two years, gainned strength that I never thought I had.<br />
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Find a way to muster the strenght to decide what is important to you. What you need, what you are willing to do without. Talk to to your partner and find out what they need and what they are willing to live without. It won't happen overnight or during the course of one conversation but keep at it. Then do whatever works for you both but what ever that is don't hide it. If you have to hide then you will regret it regardless if you are never found out.

You should leave. I didn't see really any good reasons to stay. I think your chances would be better for happiness taking a shot in the dark..

I have just cheated on my partner of almost 5 years as a result of sexless relationship (we haven't been close for almost a year now). He found out and is devasted now, he's world been shaken and he is very depressed now. My partner is one of those loving and caring types, next to him I feel secure and comfortable. Our problem occured pretty much from the start, since we moved in together. After the reunion (once after being apart for months) nothing followed, no sex for months and months. We had problems, life was not deprived of stressed but somehow it did not make me less of a sexual person, with him it was different. I initiated conversation about our situation multiple times now, offered all my love and support set no deadline. Nothing, his excuse was tiredness, he was tired and stress because of work or god knows what, even when we went on romantic holidays mnothing happened. At some stage I felt like I was losing control over my life, self esteem was lover than low. I seeked counselling twice and each time it felt like my only option was to leave. I lived in denial for a while, I was completely absort by the thought that something was wrong with me because Iwas putting up with it all, I thought I would lose my sanity. After he founf out about my infidelity my first instinct was to drop on my knees and beg for foregiveness but since a couple of weeks passed I can see that it is meaninless to pretend that things will get better, After reading posts on this forum I realised that there is no solution or cure, there is only one way - out. I am 28 yo while my partner id 32, I am attractive and fit and talented. I think you can not change someone else's personality, they got to find a person whos needs would match their own, like in case with people who have normal libito but chose to stay in sexless relationship for whichever reson. I think in my case it was sense of insecurity and past experience, also I am not that adventurous by nature, I am a nester. I hope the above makes sense. Still going through a very rough tiime - sense of guilt is overwhelming, it is not easy to see the other person being hurt and I know he loves me. Also, he is one of those closed types, he wouldn't talk about his feelings and now completely shut down, we haven't had a talk since the day he found out. I am waiting for him to start the conversation because my arguments will still eb the same, it is obvious to me that the only reason I've done it was because of intimacy factor that was lacking in this relationship.

Wow, I thought I was the only one that had this problem and appears to be common marriage problem. i have been married to the same woman for 20 years and sex has always been an issue with us from the day we got married. As a young man in my 20's I always wanted to be intimate with my wife but I soon found out that my wife did not have the same sex drive as I did. I was very much into fitness and when I had my testosterone levels checked they were sky high. I was lucky to get sex three times a week and I would have to ********** almost daily and this of course made me very upset that a married man would have to **********. What made things worse was that women found me attractive and would often hint that they were available. I was even offered a ********* which is every man's dream but refused the temptations. I have been true to my wife for 20 years and now I am not certain if I can remain faithful. We have three great children and when she was pregnant there was NO SEX for almost a year. I would hear my buddies tell me that when their wives were pregnant their wives turned into sexual animals. Well, that never happened to me and was celibacy for me. This of course led to depression, and I got fat on purpose because I did not want to be tempted to cheat on my wife. About 10 years ago, I got back into shape as being fat was affecting my health such as high blood pressure. I am now in my 40's feel and look great but still stuck with a wife that has very little interest in sex. It bothers me that I almost have six pack abs, 32 inch waist and my wife could care less. She is attractive women but could lose 25-30 pounds but refuses to do so. <br />
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I am tired of ************ and have done so since I got married to this woman. I want to remain faithful but I think when the right woman catches my eye and its mutual I think i will cheat on my wife. I know it is wrong but what am I going to do because when I bring up the sex subject it just leads to fighting. When we do have sex, she just lays there. That usually ****** me off and I stop. I know if it was another woman she would be devouring me but not my wife. I After reading all of these comments my wife would make a perfect match for some of your husbands as they could care less about intimacy. Frustrated and lonely in Southern California.

Hi, i'm not in a sexless marriage but i am having an affair with a married man who is. We've been together for 2 years and i am madly in love with him, but he has made it clear he wont leave his wife and children. I think people need to think before having an affair with a single person because it is unfair on them, - it hurts me beyond words that i love him so much and i want to spend the rest of my life with him but i wont!! I think casual sex or a one night stand is a better option because an affair is horrible for the person on the other end (unless you're both married)<br />
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I think people don' t think carefully about the impact the affair will have on the person they get involved with... i'm going to split up with him next year (when my work contract ends, until then i've decided to stay with him because having to be around each other and work together all the time is too painful) this is despite the fact we've split up numerous times<br />
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It seems so unfair that i can't be with him when we love each other so much and there is such an amazing connection between us, i don't think i'll ever find that again!! <br />
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Worst of all those men / women denying their partners sex and intimacy don't realise how lucky they are if their partner stays with them!! there's no excuse for it, it's a basic human need and what differentiates romantic relationships from other types of relationships......

I feel sad for all of us. My sex life with hubby was never often, and it has gone from bad to worse. I feel I was tricked from the get go, my husband didn't have sex with me for months after we first started dating in University, all under the guise of respecting me and taking it slow. It was only after I fell in love that we had some. We broke up over it and agreed to get back together on the condition of counselling which lasted all of 2 sessions. Marriage came next and our first baby. I was convinced that he would come around, we were so young and I tried everything in my power to engage him. I though he just needed to feel safe and what better way to feel safe than marriage. I also naively thought, that if things got bad, I'd just have an affair. Things got bad and we are on the verge of seperating when my first son was only a year old but then he "accidentaly" got me pregnant during the quickest sex of my life, knowing full well that he needed to withdraw because I was ovulating. So low and behold we stayed together. More failed counselling ensued and I was depressed because my husband refused to touch me during any of my pregnancies and for months afterwards. Now we have 3 kids and sex once every 3 months. I am 34 years old and I feel trapped. I love my husband dearly, as many of you have stated these sexless guys seems to all be very good providers who treat us with love and respect, We've now been together 13 years and I couldn't imagine putting my three little kids through a divorce and I am too afraid of an affair. I know I need more than sex, I know I need to feel like a desirable women, I need to feel wanted and sexy. I am afraid of finding that in an affair and losing my family - or worse falsely finding it (meaning I have an affair, buy into the grass is greener notion and then have that flop in my face). It drives me crazy that I work hard to stay in shape, to look good, to wear nice lingerie for nothing. My sister is over 300 pounds and has sex all the time, not that she shouldn't but if someone outside of societies definition of desirable can have a great sex life, why can't I? I am so tired of feeling rejected yet there is nothing I can do about it. When I address it, we'll have sex, I will get all excited and think maybe things will change because it was good so why wouldn't he want more. But we don't. I hate this rollar coster, it is emotionall exhaustinging and I am only 34! My kids are 1, 4, and 7, they don't deserve to lose their father, I don't deserve to lose a good partner and provider but I do deserve to be wanted - and there is no solution. Given tha I always loved sex and I am good at it, this is the last place in the world I thought I would be and I resent it, despite the fact that I do love my husband dearly. I find it crazy to have so much emotional conflict!

These stories are excellent - in that I am facing a similar thing to all of you. In some ways I guess I am not a 'typical' bloke, in that for me it isn't entirely sex that is the issue, it's all the affirmation of me as a person, knowing that I am loved and accepted as well. I am 45, and can probably count the times I have had sex in the last 5 years on one hand.<br />
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Have been totally faithful during that time (always have actually), and have spoken to my wife about it - she has said she has no sex drive whatsoever, and has said that she will go to the doctors - but never does - 2-3 years and counting (thought about slipping some Viagra in her breakfast but that's a bit immoral, not to mention illegal !!).<br />
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She has also said that I should go somewhere else to 'get it' - not sure I should take her at her word, but am now seriously considering it. I have some great friends, some of whom are very nurturing - i.e. lots of hugs etc - and I really miss/need that. Also, I am a very loving person, and I am kind of being denied 'loving' someone else.<br />
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So - what to do - don't really want an affair, I am not a liar by nature. Is my wife serious about the going elsewhere - and how fair would it be to the third person involved - an affair is demeaning to them as a person - why should they settle for a little bit of me and not a full blown relationship. I guess it could be mutually beneficial??<br />
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I am in a quandary - but I don't want these years to be the last ones that I have intimacy with another person (let's not call it sex - we all know it's more than that right?). I am not looking for you to say 'go ahead' really - but it's tough out there eh? Reading some of the stories of the years of lack of physical contact in relationships is both heartening (not feeling alone), and sad - knowing that I am also in that same situation.<br />
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I think if my wife found out she might be understanding - wow, how about I ask her if she is serious - perhaps not!<br />
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Anyway - great to share - my understanding was that it was more women in sexless marriages than men, not sure if that's correct? Anyway - thanks for listening / reading my 'moan'.

Yes, lostsoul62 it's been a year. I actually didn't realize it's been a year till I saw your comment. The solution that makes me happy nowadays is focusing on my work (thank god I have one) and my puppy and leading a not so complicated life anymore (meaning no more extra curricular activities). I sought the intimacy but look what it got me. I realize it's not worth the aggravation and emotional havoc I went through just for sex and intimacy. I also learned at the end of the day, what truly is important and what matters most is a good man that cherishes you and takes good care of you and supports you no matter what and will always be there for you, will take his shirt off his back for you and my husband is all that. I mean what is the point if you do get the intimacy physically but isn't good anywhere else in the marriage. I also realize no marriage is perfect. How did I realize that? On the site where I met that guy, I became friends with a couple guys that had the same problem I had. These guys were in their second marriages. They left their first marriage because there was no sex after a few years in their first marriage and here they are on their second marriage and have the same problem. That tells me it isn't really greener on the other side. I also learned about other people's problems in their marriage and mine isn't really that bad. I get along with my husband fine, still do things together, it's just that there is no physical intimacy but he shows his care for me in other ways. I have learned to appreciate all that now, I took it all for granted prior to what happened to me. I thought it is easy to find a good man but it isn't. I have no problem attracting men and even now, a couple guys still hope I would have an affair with them but I am not interested. I am surprised how I feel peaceful now, happy, perhaps because there are no complications going on right now. What do I do when I do crave that physical intimacy? I am not sure what I will do, but I think about what happened to me and that keeps me from looking for it. Also, I am not willing to give myself physically to someone else nor seek intimacy only to get all the emotions and complications that go along with it. I lead a simply life nowadays and have to say, happy. I thought the sex that I so sought would make me happy and fulfilled but it didn't. Perhaps for a few minutes at that moment but overall, it didn't feel good at all. I hope I am making sense and not come across bitter of what happened because I am not. Looking back, I don't regret it anymore because of it, I appreciate my husband more, I learned that sex isn't the solution and that it could be worse. I learned that you can show you care not just by sex but other ways like being supportive, etc. I mean I live a comfortable life with a wonderful caring husband with a puppy now that we both enjoy pampering. I also learned that what's missing in my life isn't that unique, we know that from this site and from the guys I became friends with. Given with what's going on the world right now, with unemployment so high, families losing their homes, it made me grateful of what I have and all of a sudden, physical intimacy is no longer the priority.

Wow, You've been living my life! I too have a wonderful husband who adores me but doesn't "want" me, and I'm dying inside from a lack of intimacy and physical attention. Sex for me has always been the ultimate connection between two people who care for each other and I miss it so much. <br />
It's been almost a year since you wrote this story and I'm wondering if you found a solution that makes you happy?

I am glad to find this place...I need husband has been having erectile problem for about half a year...I read from various sources that I should give it some time and do not talk to him right after it when is a good time?<br />
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My husband is 56 and I am 46...we have been having great sex...when it first happened...I thought I was the reason...may be I am not as attractive after 26 years of marriage...I have since got over that now...I am just concern about his health...if this is an age be it...we all have to face it...but I am afraid it's a health signal.<br />
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There is this man that I met at the book club...he is married and as a woman's instinct...I am tell he is interested in me but he is married I can feel he is the same struggle as I do...<br />
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Honestly...I have this thought about having a relationship with him...may be because I want sex.<br />
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Please help!

Thank you enna20. I hope for the courage to make that change!

Queen of Cups, my advice? Go for the change! You are young. You have a "golden opportunity" to take up a new position AND be wit the man of your desires. For me, there is no question about what you should do. Just GO!<br />
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If you read the posts on this board and the other one for "sexless marriage" you will see hat there is almost no likelihood of things turning around for your marriage. What you HAVE NOW MAKES YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY SO WHY WOULD HE CHANGE?<br />
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But you are NOT happy - and you've found someone to be happy with. Someone who also shares your values - very important! DON'T condemn yourself to a miserable life just because you think you "ought" to stay in your marriage - you will simply become more entrapped and morebitter as time goes on.<br />
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You go girl!!! :) Best of luck!!

I am in a similar position. I am young and so is my husband. We both are EXCELLENT companions. However, sex and passion on my end has always been lacking. He has never complained, but I have always expressed my need for more sex. I love him very much, but since we have not been very intimate, I now don't think I see him as romantically anymore. It makes me sad, because I had such hopes for our marriage. I had an affair and now am in love with him. He is evrything I have been looking for, but feel immense guilt and have not left my husband and ended the affair. My lover and I have reconnected after six months and want to get together, but am not sure if I should. I dont know what to do. In one year, I have had sex twice and previous to that maybe like 6 times. I want to feel loved and desired, but dont. My husband loves me, but is not passionate. He travels a lot and financial security is very important to him. I really just want intimacy and would give a very modest life for that. I dont need the material gains. What should I do. I have recently been offered a position out of the country where I can reunite with my lover, but am getting cold feet. I dont want a marriage where I feel I have to have affairs to feel fulfilled. I am afraid that is what will happen. I feel fulfilled with my lover, but guilt for feeling so good. PLEASE HELP. A decision must be made. I can choose to stay with my husband and hope we can gain some passion. Or leave the country and start fresh with someone I love and share values and passion with.

Wow. That is sad. Where does the passion go? I'm not married and so I can't begin to understand what happens between a husband and a wife after 17 years, however, I know that men rarely lose their sex drive. Have you given thought that he is finding sexual fulfillment in some other way? Look around in the chat rooms and you will find scores of married men and women looking for casual encounters - which can also be found on Craigs list. I mean, there are men who can't even get an erection anymore but still enjoy intimacy and so something psychological has to be up. Is he attracted to men? Recently I've seen a number of married men divorce their wives and leave their traditional lifestyles, kids and all, to be with a same gendered partner. Personally, I believe in the sanctity of marriage and I hope that the two of you can rekindle the passion that you have lost, but there needs to be some extensive communication, communication where he feels like he can share ANYTHING, and that you will still love him and accept him. God Bless.

Your husband doesn't want to or is incapable perhaps of giving you the intimacy that you need. He doesn't need it so it's not a problem for him except when you bring it up. But your basic needs are not being met and I dont think the answer is getting a puupy and focusing on what a "great guy" your husband is. Why is it o.k. that you go without the great sex life that you deserve and desire? <br />
I also agree that there's no reason to leave him, if he's a good person and you get along. It will only make life very difficult for both of you. Either drag him to therapy or find another lover. Don't feel guilty if you've tried everything you can with your husband and he's not really willing to meet except to give you some mercy sex now and then. Don't you want to be with someone who is filled with desire for you and visa versa? It's one of the best things in life, in my opinion.

I am in the same position being without sexual relationship for three years and it is frustrating. An affair has crossed my mind mmany times but being in a small town makes it hard. I am of course a guy and would love to find a lady interested in sexual needs.

Thanks thinkingwhy for reading my story and letting me know I am not alone. That what I am feeling and what I am going through is not unique to my situation. Good luck to you as well.

I almost know exactly how you feel, I tried to have an affair. The joke was on me tho. The guy I picked couldn't have sex either. Made me feel like a looser, or more of one. My husband sounds just like yours, great guy, always there thick and thin, we get along, always have something to talk about. We helped me raise my daughters son. We are the parents of a fine young man. There still remains a whole in me the size of Texas called no sex with my husband. Good luck, you are not alone.

Thank you not2broken for your support, it means a lot. You understand how I feel about the affair, why I had one and what it feels to have someone who you clicked with in so many levels even if it was not lasting.<br />
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My heart goes out to you though of what you are going through. Bad enough you ache for the woman who put life back to your life but having to help your wife to recover from the affair, I can't imagine how you must feel. I don't know how you manage to stay sane.<br />
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Thanks again for your support and best of luck to you as well.

I hope you don't mind a comment from a man. You both need to look for the root cause of the problem. I suspect that the real problem here stems from his not seeming to be interested in physical relations with you. Have you attempted to look into the relationship the two of you have? There might be many causes for his "lack of interest". Maybe he (deeply inside) feels as though he really wants to be with you but, because of some issue such as impotence or other physical/emotional malady just cannot attain a good solid and long-lasting errection. Feeling like that would severly depress any man. Take him to a competant Dr and have him get a very thourough physical.

Hi there and sorry to hear baout your problem. From my experiance, for a guy to have a non-functioning penis does not mean the end of the road for you in terms of sex and intimacy between you and your husband. Re the intimacy thing, your husband is probably keeping his distance as a defense mechanism cos he worries that if he even gives you just a hug, it might lead to you wanting something more.<br />
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You guys have to remember that you previously had a loving relationship and you need to maintain that even if his penis is not working. Intimacy is being and feeling physically and emotionally close to one another with or without a penis. Holding hands, talking on the phone, texting, sitting on his lap, talking for hours in bed, doing fun activites together etc is all initmacy without full sex. <br />
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In terms of practicalities for you to have "sex" with your husband if his penis is not working, you both need to accept his penis is just one of his "sex" tools and biologically is mainly for procreation. Your husband can actually still "make love” to you even if his penis is not working. He can turn you on just by massaging you - he should do this for a long time (like an hour) and should use lots of oil on you and focus on your buttocks, your breasts and your nipples. Your husband can also use his hands (clean hands please) as replacement penis and he would totally make you come with this, in fact, it would be easier to manipulaste around your **** with his hand than his penis especially if he is out of practice. Also, you need to learn to ********** using your hands - this will require dedication, practice time and committment on your part so that eventually you understand your body best and know exactly what and how to touch on and in yourself to give you the satisfaction that you need. Intrusct him to do it really slowly and without rushing – there is no formula and no time limit. Just go with the slow. <br />
One of you or both of you will need to be quite proactive around making this all happen. You will need to discuss verbally and agree that you have the same aim around this i.e that you want sex/lovemaking and that your husband wants to provide it to you. The alternative is that your marriage crumbles or that it stagnates, you get fraustrated / resentful/you both live in denial/you stop being freinds etc. <br />
I hope I don't sound to raw or crude, I don't mea to be. My aim is to be helpful and give a very practical form of support to you and not non-specific wishy washy advice. I'm a normal/staright decent mother of two and I've been through this so I can apprecuiaite what is happening and I have also experianced the solution. I'd advise you not to pressurise or let your husband pressurise himself to have his penis sorted out cos this will just make him stressed and embarassed and he'll create avoidance and distance to hide his turmoil. I wish you the best. Sorry about the typos / spelling errors. My spellchecker aint working.<br />

Have you tried a Email Friend ? I've been hoping to find one here . I to am in a pretty muchly a sexless marriage . My wife has lost the urge . If you ever need someone just to talk to you can Email me . I may not have all the answers but am a great listener .

Thanks Lisa100 for sharing your story. I do feel better knowing you undertand the reason for having an affair.. that you realize you need it in your life.<br />
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This guy who I used to see sent me an ecard for my birthday last week and I felt pain and resentment even if I do miss him still. <br />
'He is going to be single soon but after what he told me that he is no longer in love with I still am confused as to why he says he still cares for me, wants to continue talking, wants to be there for me. I told him how I felt again hearing from him and he says he doesn't want anything from me but that is how everything started when I took him back. <br />
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He mentioned about if I was up to watching a movie and grab a bite to eat afterwards if I was game but I dont understand why he would do that after all he put me through.<br />
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I am more distraught when I hear from him because of what he put me through.<br />
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It seems you did find the someone who fills the void who doesnt give you all the drama or issues I went through. I am glad for you!

I've been married 13 years, and our sex life went from so-so to twice in the past 11 years (and that was during intensive sex therapy - and to conceive our last child). I've had two affairs, including the one I'm presently involved in. I have given up on my marriage in terms of intimacy, sexual and emotional, and affection, yet we're good parents together and sometimes we're good friends, and we have a life that would be very painful to dismantle - and I would choose my kids' happiness over my own, and they're clearly happy with us together. I've been in my affair for 8 months, and it has truly enabled me to stay married. I felt such absolute despair for YEARS - rejection, confusion, and extreme loneliness. My husband always answered 'someday we'll get it together' and it never did, despite all my efforts to talk, go to sex therapy, etc. I suffered severe rejection, and then on my birthday two years, I decided that we get ONE life, and I would not live another ten year without enjoying one of life's great pleasures.<br />
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I think an affair is the answer in my - and many of your - situation, but it isn't easy. You have to be willing to go step outside of the 'box,' i.e. our culture's basic value system, and that can feel pretty lonely and scary. And the affair itself - esp. if you fall in love, as I did - can also make you heartsick, esp. in the beginning when you're working out the boundaries, etc. <br />
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I still have times when I feel trapped in my marriage, and wish that I had it all, instead of just two pieces of a whole happy intimate life.

Hi Wikkidfinn, you could scroll up and read my entry about staying with my husband because of the committment and I feel that is what God wants me to do and boy it's hard. I have told him, I've even took my ring off saying that until he starts showing some type of desire for me, then my committment is gone but like I say, I'm still hanging in. <br />
Some one came up to me this morning and told me something that really hit home.. She said that since I chose my mate without God's guidance, then I have to weather the storm of Him putting things together for our future. She told me that He is making things right but I have to endure what's going on now and soon, my husband and I will be awesome together.. Now I have strong Faith, that is what keeps me from straying and keeps me hanging in and not divorcing.. So if I can do it, anyone can..The word she gave me was yet another affirmation of me hangin in..

I struggle with the thought of staying faithful (imagine that, a man struggling to remain faithful!). <br />
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Chloe... you said that "It took me a very long time to step out of the marriage but at some point, I found the courage to do it." Doesn't it take a lot of courage NOT to step out of the marraige? I am just asking because it is taking everything inside of me to NOT go and find a fling. I have the courage and dedication (so far) to not go out on my wife, but I dont' have the courage to tell her that I am not happy with my relationship with her. I have been thinking about getting her to hate me so that she will want to leave me (one of my stories that I have shared with another community... one in which I was enlikened to a clown because I am a coward that is trying to get my wife to leave me). The only reason why I am trying to do things this way is because I dont want an extremely painful breakup (which it will be no matter what).

The best book I have read on a sexless marriage is "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. She tells it like it is.

Hi Blackswan and trisha69 for sharing your stories, it really makes me feel better that I am not alone in my unhappiness, that I am not the only one who had an affair and stays because the guy is nice and dependable and the liftstyle.<br />
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I wish I can advise you on what to do Trisha69 but like you, that is my dilemma. He is a nice, dependable guy and my family likes him and I am afraid I will not find a guy like him. I am also scared that sure I find a guy who is great in bed but not good long term in treating me well and will regret leaving my husband.<br />
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I too would like to know if someone left their sexless marriage and found a positive outcome.

Doulbemage, you know what the problem is frankly you are only on year 2 of your marriage, you have not a lot invested in and would be better to leave now rather than my myself and blackswan and trisha69 who all are married for 10 yrs and more and finds it more difficult to leave. That is my adivse to you.

I need some advice. I have been married for ten years now and we have not had sex since year two really. If you count the failed attempts anyway. We both know what the problem is, high blood pressure and cholesterol medicine deplete his testosterone. He does not even have the slightest urge to have sex. He won't talk about, he thinks I should just be happy-thinks something is wrong with me because I can't be happy without sex. I am thinking about leaving him, but I hate to because otherwise he is a nice, dependable guy.<br />
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Has anyone here actually left a sexless marriage and have a positive outcome. I just can't imagine leading the rest of my life like this. We only get one!!!!!

Whatever you do, never tell your husband about the affair. You don't need to hurt him. I feel for you as I am in a sexless marriage, for ten years now and I don't think I can take it much longer. I too had an affair, I felt guilty for awhile, but now I put the blame where it belongs, on my husband. He will do nothing to address his impotence.

hi, your story is very much mine. married for 21 years, great marriage, great sex for the first 7, almost broke up in the 7th year, sex stopped completely after that. tried to make my peace with it, talked to my husband many times, stayed faithful all these years. just could not take it any more, just started an affair, it is wonderful and i feel no guilt, at least at the moment. my husband is very loving and very caring in most other ways; we are great professional partners and friends, don't have kids. now i am sure i can't live in a sexless marriage for another 20 years and stay true and faithful. the alternative of continuously living a double life, cheating on him is also untenable. have given him a sort of ultimatum, that we need to try and fix the problem together, he has said he will try - after years of stalling - i am hopeful - but also reconciled to separation. i know everyone will think i am nuts for leaving him, that i will lose hugely in monetary and lifestyle terms and go through a lot of emotional pain; but at this point i feel to accept the situation as the reality of my life for the next thirty years will mean changing myself so drastically that i will lose my dignity and self respect, some part of me will die inside. it's a very tough situation; i am so glad to have stumbled upon this site and realized that there are many other women like me who are suffering in the same way.

Chloe42, I agree with you as does everyone else but what am I suppose to do? I have a great job but I do try to apply for jobs back in my hometown occasionally and was actually offered one, but dumb me turned it down and I told him if he makes me regret it I'l kick his butt. And of course he has. I guess at this point it's just a matter of making up my mind that I'm sick of all of it and leave.. I just don't want to NOT have a job when I do..I refuse to leave and stay in this town alone with no friends.

I have to say to doublemage something's wrong if only after 2 years and you never have sex anymore. My urshear goes out to you because you moved 2 hours away from your kids to be with this guy and look at how he is treating you, you should still be on your honeymoon years. Have you talked to him about it? My impression is the problem is more than just not having sex anymore.. I know you don't want to have an affair.. it is difficult to cross that line but I did. I don't know what to say or suggest to you except talk to him about it. I know when my husband and I were in our 2 years of marriage, we had sex all the time.

Wow I loved your story! As I have been tempted to cheat many times, but I just know I could not live with myself if I did! Thank You for sharing your "long" story. It has helped me make up my mind as to not to cheat. As usual he always "promises" to get help. What is the deal with these men that have wives that will do ANYTHING they want them to in the bedroom???

I've only been married for 2 years and we never have sex either and I tell my husband that he is suppose to do for me as I am suppose to do for him.. and he just rolls over and says are you gonna start this at bedtime.. Well crap we go to bed at 8 PM when can I start it.. I like affection before we go to sleep but he doesn't even like to kiss and when we dated, he loved it all.. I use to think it was me but I know it's not (I think I know). I moved 2 hours away from my grown children to marry him and have no friends outside of work. So what's a girl to do.. I refuse to subject myself to an affair especially in this town and I want to be a Godly woman and see what God has instore for us but it sure is hard sometimes..I would love a passionate hug or kiss at least once a week..I don't even have to have the sex if he would just kiss me.

The reason I decided to have an affair cmcdenp is because I was really depressed and didn't want to take an anit-depressant to cope. <br />
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I am not encouraging you to have an affair but since I have had one and unfortunately picked the wrong guy for this that it is even more difficult to going back to what my life is before the affair. No sexual intimacy. That is my dilemma now. <br />
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I thought having an affair is simple but I realize it isn't. Your emotions get involved somehow even if you don't want to. I balanced the affair and my marriage. The problem was the guy I was seeing wanted something else as I mentioned in my comments above.<br />
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I think you will know when you are ready to do it. That is, if you can ever do it.<br />
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It took me a very long time to step out of the marriage but at some point, I found the courage to do it.<br />
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Take care..

I have just stumbled upon this site/group. I too am in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and sexless for almost 4 years now. I too have tried to convince him to seek help with no results. My husband is also on cholesterol medication and cannot take any other medications. I recently visited my doctor and he put me on an anti-depressant to help me cope. The dr. did an examination of my husband and found nothing physically wrong. <br />
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I love him, he’s a great husband and father, but I am just not sure if I can survive without the sexual intimacy. I am actually thinking an affair might be a way out, but I am not sure I can do it.<br />
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You story has really hit home on a number of different levels....thanks.

When you think of sex --Why you only think of the usual bang bang sex.I was in relationship with this girl and we only use to have oral sex..I used to make sure that she always comes out and more often than not she did...why u dont encourage ur husband into oral sex(touching is the best of all senses)

One of the reasons I have not sought counseling is because my husband is by nature not a very open person so if I suggested counseling it might do more harm than good. I also was told that counseling does not work. I know of two people that have sought counseling with their spouse but it didn't work. Both ended up divorcing their spouse.<br />
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I think you may be right doorsinmymind about the 'boyfriend' asking for more commitment from me (which by the way never crossed my mind) hence, the reason he is rejecting me. <br />
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He really doesn't make any sense. Now, he wants to<br />
meet for dinner just to talk and catch up on things and he says no expectations, just wanting to talk. I don't understand him.<br />
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I also would like to say I really do appreciate everyone's comments.

Just because the couples got divorced does not mean it does not work. Sometimes that is what needs to be done for couples who are not happy together, they need to be apart. As for the boyfriend, he is more trouble than he is worth unless you are ready to make a life with him.

Gut does not make sense. Age has nothing to do with it.<br />
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I had an affair a year and a half ago, with a woman in the same situation as I am .. the best relationship of my life. But we were clear on everything, what we want, what we don't want, no false expectations, no "idealizing" things, or wanting more than agreed upon, just plain honesty .. all the time. It lasted a year before she screwed up and her husband became suspicious and violent..<br />
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LOL, it was a rigorous screening process on both sides, involving past sex life, everything that might be relevant. If I had subjected my wife to such interrogation then she would never have passed and I would have been a much happier man today .. LOL, I was young and naive then ..

You say "I also have not sought counseling for this. I am afraid if I do, it might be the beginning of the end of my marriage and I don't want that.'<br />
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I believe that you will get out of counseling what you want out of it. If you go in thinking that you want to work on improving your marriage, a good counselor would not sway you in any other direction.<br />
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I think your "boyfriend" is feeling vulnerable and wants more committment from you. Since you don't seem to be on the same page (leaving your spouses), then he is rejecting you so that he won't be hurt.

I neglected to mention that I did ask this guy I had an affair with how is it possilble that he can be in love with me then in an instant he no longer is. I told him he perhaps wanted to get back at me for dumping him in 2006 or that it is just plain lust. In between his crying over the phone, he says it is not lust or revenge. He says he just wanted to be honest with me that ever since he found out he is losing his son he didn't feel like he is in love with me anymore. He says he still loves me, cares for me but not in love with me. Can someone tell me what he all meant because he had me confused and I can't seem to understand him. May I add that he is 38 and not a young man?<br />
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I agree with you about having one side of affairs where it gets irrantional. I also would like to mention that he says he thinks that our relationship is based on shaky ground and would like to built a solid foundation in his next stage of his life and also said that he didn't see any movement on my part when he told me he is divorcing his wife. He also said that he didn't want his son to grow up and find out that his father left his mother for a married woman he met on a site for married people. I really don't understand this guy. He doesn't seem to make any sense.<br />
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I feel guilty perhaps because he is good to me in other ways but sometimes I wonder if he does know what I did but just turns the other way.

If I (as a guy) may comment: ".. how is it possible for someone to be in love with someone then in an instant no longer is." LOL, blame it on gender differences, for guys, lust is confused or treated as love, one moment you are in love, the next you are not. It is all driven by hormones and chemistry.<br />
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The problem with affairs is that one side might get irrational and start doing things that would jeopardize both of you, the best thing in such cases is to put swift stop to it before things escalate.<br />
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As for you feeling guilty .. I am not sure why, your needs are not met, as much as he is a great guy, he can not be blind to the suffering caused by the lack of intimacy.

I empathize with your situation and I understand that your husband is good to you. We all have different people in our lives that fill certain needs. I have to wonder why your husband has decided that sex is not a part of the marriage anymore. It is cowardly on his part not to explain what changed. You are a young woman and do you really want to go for the rest of your life without any sexual intimacy? When the kids are gone? So you had an affair with the wrong guy and you feel guilty. I do not believe in cheating either, but forgive yourself. You and only you need to decide if you are willing to settle for this passionless marriage. Your husband made his decision without consulting you. Myself, I do not want to spend my years feeling like I am not enough. It is "his" problem and he made it yours. If he does not want to go to couples therapy for this then it is up to you to either live with it or move on. You do not seem like the cheating is something you are comfortable with so finding a new mate who will not treat you like a sister might be the answer. Your boyfriend has some issues that you cannot fix so just say goodbye and don't worry about figuring him out. Figure yourself out. Center yourself and make a decision and then don't look back. Be Happy.

You are right doorsinmymind that my husband doesn't know. I think he would probably want a divorce if he ever finds out.<br />
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What I liked about being in the affair was the romance and passion when you are with someone who you are intimate with and can talk about anything. I feel much better when I was in the affair because that area that is missing in my life is being fulfiilled. I felt like there is some balance now in my marriage.<br />
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You are also right in saying I did want the extra relationship that somehow enhanced my marriage but I chose the wrong mate. I stll like him but I know he is not good for me.<br />
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As to my husband, I did talk to him about it prior to 5 years and we did try the viagra thing. Problem is it is interferring with his cholesterol medication so he needed to stop that. Didn't do it every since.<br />
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I don't think I can do the swingers club, it is just not my thing to do.<br />
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Also glad angiebee40 that you understand what I am going through. I don't know how you deal with it everyday, not having your sexual needs met for 8 years now. <br />
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Right now I am still reeling from the affair so I really don't want another affair. My problem is after a year, and the years to come? Am I willing to accept the sexual part of my marriage? My answer is probably not. But I don't really know what to do, what the alternative is. I really do want to stay in my marriage, he is such a great guy, very thoughful and I know he does love and care for me. He just shows it in other ways than the way I truly want.<br />
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I also have not sought counseling for this. I am afraid if I do, it might be the beginning of the end of my marriage and I don't want that.<br />
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I apppreciate you guys comments.

I am glad you wrote your story.You have to let it out some way or another.I too am dealing with the same situation. My husband is impotent. Nothing we have tried as of yet has worked.It has been 8yrs. so what am I to do? He is a great guy and father to our children.It is just my sexual needs are not met in this relationship. I have grown tired of all the alternatives.The question to ask is are you going to accept the sexless part in your marriage again if you do want to have another affair? Accept is the word that I deal with daily.I hope you and your husband can work it out because both of you are worth it!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing your story. I found it very interesting.<br />
<br />
You say your mom and brother know about the affair. I'm guessing that your husban does not know. How do you think he would react?<br />
<br />
When you were in the affair, what did you like about it? Was it just the sex that you were seeking or did he fulfill other needs that you weren't aware of? Did he make you feel more whole or loved? How did you feel towards your husband when the affair was good?<br />
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It seems to me that you want the extra relationship, but have chosen a bad mate who has some emotional issues to deal with. The end result is that you are being jacked around emotionally.<br />
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If your marriage is good and you want to keep it, have you communicated how very important the sex is to you? Has your husband given any reason why he's not that into it? Perhaps he'd be willing to see a doctor and try Viagra on occasion. Or if he is bored, maybe you could seek out a swingers club and then you could have sexual affairs without the guilt.<br />
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Have you sought counseling for this? <br />
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I'm full of questions, but no real solutions. Sorry about that.