I Am a Woman In a Sexless Marriage
The following is the letter that I plan to give my H on Monday. He has a therapy appointment on Monday. I am hoping his therapist can help him deal with it all.
Dear H,
I have decided to write to you so that I can get my feelings/thoughts across in a clear manner.
I am very upset by your behavior in our daughter's room during the argument we had on Tuesday night.(1/24) You can’t seem to control your anger. I think your anger is a valid barometer of your true feelings. It is OK to get angry sometimes & shout. But it is NOT OK to get right in my face, so that I have to back up against the dresser to get away from you. It is NOT OK to block the door, and prevent me from exiting the room when I want to! I was scared & frightened! What would’ve happened if I pushed past you? What about the time that you waved a water bottle in my face and almost hit me? I think you are capable of physically hurting me. There are news stories every day about husbands that lose control & hurt their spouse.
You have been using these bullying tactics for the better part of a year to try & get me to do what YOU want. You have used threats & intimidation to try & get me to “snap out of it”, as you like to say. These are not the actions of someone who has MY best interests at heart. These are the actions of someone who is controlling, who is concerned with himself & getting his way. You think the pain I have felt all these years is a joke. Over the summer, you actually LAUGHED at me when I was CRYING, curled up in a corner of the couch, asking how you could have treated me this way. Me, the one you were supposed to love & cherish. You mocked me!
On Tuesday night, I had to endure hours of you verbally trying to wear me down, to make me feel guilty, so that I would do what YOU want. This has been going on all year. I walk around the house on eggshells, wondering when you might go off. I have had to endure verbal digs, your suspicious mind, your controlling/questioning behavior. It is a form of emotional abuse. You wonder why I seem cold & distant.
I have felt neglected & unappreciated for years. And just so you know, I have “snapped out of it”, just not in the way you want me to. I have snapped out of my slumber, because I have been asleep for years. I have been on autopilot, paying attention to everyone & everything else, except for me. I have been a dutiful wife, a mother to our children. Along the way, “I” got lost Not all at once, but bit by bit. My whole world was about you & what you liked, your hobbies, food you like to eat, & your family, etc. (and the children) Throughout our marriage, I have felt controlled, not in a blatant way, but in a subtle way. You treat me like I am your daughter, not your wife.
I think our marriage is dysfunctional. The dysfunction “started” with the lack of intimacy & sexual expression. The lack of sex in our marriage has been a HUGE disappointment to me! And I mean our ENTIRE marriage. (NOT just since 1998 or 2001) It is what started this drift in our marriage. Sex is what separates married people from friends & siblings. It is the glue that keeps couples connected. Otherwise, you are just roommates. I have no fond sexual memories of our early married life. I only remember being sad, crying & thinking something was wrong with ME! Back then, I thought we had a good marriage, EXCEPT for the sex. I thought that no one has a perfect marriage. You would throw me a few crumbs from time to time & that would just keep me hanging on. I did think I made a terrible mistake about 6 months into it. But I was in love with you. I had no one to talk to about this. I spoke with you about it, but never got anywhere. You would tell me it was all in my mind, that I needed “help”. I didn’t think this was “normal” behavior. I was brought up being told that what all guys want, is to get in your pants. I think it is pretty sad that after being married for so long, I probably had more sex with my previous boyfriend than I have had with my husband.
The dysfunction in our marriage has now permeated to every aspect of our relationship. I do not feel safe or comfortable in our relationship.
I care about you & love you. But not the way a “wife" should love a “husband" Those feeling are long gone. I have thought about your suggestion, “to work on it”. I have thought about what I am capable of doing at this point in time. I don’t see our relationship improving beyond what it already is, a “friendship”, a father/daughter or brother/sister relationship. I cannot give up any more of myself. I cannot endure any more pain than I already have, in order to salvage what I feel is, unfixable. What would be the point of going through the motions? Counseling is not going to work if the two people are not on the same page. And we are not on the same page
You shouldn’t be totally surprised by the direction our marriage has taken. You told me yourself that you thought “this” would happen after something happened to your Dad. Obviously, the thought has crossed your mind. It crossed your mind back in November 2010 when you brought up “papers”, & left the house during our 1st argument to call ( a female employee) & go to therapy. I wonder what words of advice she gave you that night? Maybe instead of confiding in another woman, you should've talked to your wife! Instead of talking to old girlfriends & hiding it from your wife for years, ( but not from This female employee) you should've "talked" to your wife! I was right there! I was ALWAYS supportive! So maybe all these other women that you were so fortunate to have in your life, ("because behind every successful man is a good woman, & you're lucky enough to have several") didn't really help you. I certainly didn't have any men that I confided in, just you. I guess that I wasn't good enough.
I hope that you can respect my feelings & opinion, even though they are different from yours. I am scared. I have fears. But I am not going to let my fear paralyze me. I am a strong person. I am concerned about you. You have said that you can’t handle “this”. I think that you can. Only you (& a therapist) can help you through any emotional/mental issues that you have. The strength to overcome them has to come from within YOU. You should know that I would never make a decision like this on a whim. I have thought long & hard about it. I am sure that you will get lots of “advice” from family & friends. I would like to point out that I am a “good” person too. I am not some *****. I have shared many years with you. And I will continue to be the mother of your children. My biggest concern is the impact on the kids. THAT fear actually did paralyze me for quite awhile. But I think that they will be ok, if we handle this in a mature, responsible manner. They are my primary concern! “I” have no problem living in a one bedroom apartment, as you so eloquently threatened. I don’t think the kids deserve it though. It is up to YOU if the attorneys get everything that we worked for all these years. (By the way, THAT remark you said to me the other morning was another way of trying to manipulate me.)
I am sad that it has come down to this. But I am hopeful that we can figure out what is in the best interests of the children. I hope that whatever decisions we make, that they are made in a mature, level headed manner.
Love, 13
Dear H,
I have decided to write to you so that I can get my feelings/thoughts across in a clear manner.
I am very upset by your behavior in our daughter's room during the argument we had on Tuesday night.(1/24) You can’t seem to control your anger. I think your anger is a valid barometer of your true feelings. It is OK to get angry sometimes & shout. But it is NOT OK to get right in my face, so that I have to back up against the dresser to get away from you. It is NOT OK to block the door, and prevent me from exiting the room when I want to! I was scared & frightened! What would’ve happened if I pushed past you? What about the time that you waved a water bottle in my face and almost hit me? I think you are capable of physically hurting me. There are news stories every day about husbands that lose control & hurt their spouse.
You have been using these bullying tactics for the better part of a year to try & get me to do what YOU want. You have used threats & intimidation to try & get me to “snap out of it”, as you like to say. These are not the actions of someone who has MY best interests at heart. These are the actions of someone who is controlling, who is concerned with himself & getting his way. You think the pain I have felt all these years is a joke. Over the summer, you actually LAUGHED at me when I was CRYING, curled up in a corner of the couch, asking how you could have treated me this way. Me, the one you were supposed to love & cherish. You mocked me!
On Tuesday night, I had to endure hours of you verbally trying to wear me down, to make me feel guilty, so that I would do what YOU want. This has been going on all year. I walk around the house on eggshells, wondering when you might go off. I have had to endure verbal digs, your suspicious mind, your controlling/questioning behavior. It is a form of emotional abuse. You wonder why I seem cold & distant.
I have felt neglected & unappreciated for years. And just so you know, I have “snapped out of it”, just not in the way you want me to. I have snapped out of my slumber, because I have been asleep for years. I have been on autopilot, paying attention to everyone & everything else, except for me. I have been a dutiful wife, a mother to our children. Along the way, “I” got lost Not all at once, but bit by bit. My whole world was about you & what you liked, your hobbies, food you like to eat, & your family, etc. (and the children) Throughout our marriage, I have felt controlled, not in a blatant way, but in a subtle way. You treat me like I am your daughter, not your wife.
I think our marriage is dysfunctional. The dysfunction “started” with the lack of intimacy & sexual ex
The dysfunction in our marriage has now permeated to every aspect of our relationship. I do not feel safe or comfortable in our relationship.
I care about you & love you. But not the way a “wife" should love a “husband" Those feeling are long gone. I have thought about your suggestion, “to work on it”. I have thought about what I am capable of doing at this point in time. I don’t see our relationship improving beyond what it already is, a “friendship”, a father/daughter or brother/sister relationship. I cannot give up any more of myself. I cannot endure any more pain than I already have, in order to salvage what I feel is, unfixable. What would be the point of going through the motions? Counseling is not going to work if the two people are not on the same page. And we are not on the same page
You shouldn’t be totally surprised by the direction our marriage has taken. You told me yourself that you thought “this” would happen after something happened to your Dad. Obviously, the thought has crossed your mind. It crossed your mind back in November 2010 when you brought up “papers”, & left the house during our 1st argument to call ( a female employee) & go to therapy. I wonder what words of advice she gave you that night? Maybe instead of confiding in another woman, you should've talked to your wife! Instead of talking to old girlfriends & hiding it from your wife for years, ( but not from This female employee) you should've "talked" to your wife! I was right there! I was ALWAYS supportive! So maybe all these other women that you were so fortunate to have in your life, ("because behind every successful man is a good woman, & you're lucky enough to have several") didn't really help you. I certainly didn't have any men that I confided in, just you. I guess that I wasn't good enough.
I hope that you can respect my feelings & opinion, even though they are different from yours. I am scared. I have fears. But I am not going to let my fear paralyze me. I am a strong person. I am concerned about you. You have said that you can’t handle “this”. I think that you can. Only you (& a therapist) can help you through any emotional/mental issues that you have. The strength to overcome them has to come from within YOU. You should know that I would never make a decision like this on a whim. I have thought long & hard about it. I am sure that you will get lots of “advice” from family & friends. I would like to point out that I am a “good” person too. I am not some *****. I have shared many years with you. And I will continue to be the mother of your children. My biggest concern is the impact on the kids. THAT fear actually did paralyze me for quite awhile. But I think that they will be ok, if we handle this in a mature, responsible manner. They are my primary concern! “I” have no problem living in a one bedroom apartment, as you so eloquently threatened. I don’t think the kids deserve it though. It is up to YOU if the attorneys get everything that we worked for all these years. (By the way, THAT remark you said to me the other morning was another way of trying to manipulate me.)
I am sad that it has come down to this. But I am hopeful that we can figure out what is in the best interests of the children. I hope that whatever decisions we make, that they are made in a mature, level headed manner.
Love, 13
By:
ANewLife4Me
Age:
46-50
,
Female
