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Letter To My Husband

The following is the letter that I plan to give my H on Monday. He has a therapy appointment on Monday. I am hoping his therapist can help him deal with it all.

Dear H,

I have decided to write to you so that I can get my feelings/thoughts across in a clear manner.  
 
I am very upset by your behavior in our daughter's room during the argument we had on Tuesday night.(1/24) You can’t seem to control your anger. I think your anger is a valid barometer of your true feelings. It is OK to get angry sometimes & shout.  But it is NOT OK to get right in my face, so that I have to back up against the dresser to get away from you.  It is NOT OK to block the door, and prevent me from exiting the room when I want to!  I was scared & frightened!  What would’ve happened if I pushed past you? What about the time that you waved a water bottle in my face and almost hit me? I think you are capable of physically hurting me. There are news stories every day about husbands that lose control & hurt their spouse.
 
You have been using these bullying tactics for the better part of a year to try & get me to do what YOU want.  You have used threats & intimidation to try & get me to “snap out of it”, as you like to say.  These are not the actions of someone who has MY best interests at heart.  These are the actions of someone who is controlling, who is concerned with himself & getting his way. You think the pain I have felt all these years is a joke.  Over the summer, you actually LAUGHED at me when I was CRYING, curled up in a corner of the couch, asking how you could have treated me this way.   Me, the one you were supposed to love & cherish.  You mocked me!
 
On Tuesday night, I had to endure hours of you verbally trying to wear me down, to make me feel guilty, so that I would do what YOU want.  This has been going on all year.  I walk around the house on eggshells, wondering when you might go off.  I have had to endure verbal digs, your suspicious mind, your controlling/questioning behavior. It is a form of emotional abuse. You wonder why I seem cold & distant.   
 
 I have felt neglected & unappreciated for years.  And just so you know, I have “snapped out of it”, just not in the way you want me to.  I have snapped out of my slumber, because I have been asleep for years.  I have been on autopilot, paying attention to everyone & everything else, except for me.  I have been a dutiful wife, a mother to our children.  Along the way, “I” got lost  Not all at once, but bit by bit.  My whole world was about you & what you liked, your hobbies, food you like to eat, & your family, etc.  (and the children) Throughout our marriage, I have felt controlled, not in a blatant way, but in a subtle way. You treat me like I am your daughter, not your wife.
 
 I think our marriage is dysfunctional.  The dysfunction “started” with the lack of intimacy & sexual expression. The lack of sex in our marriage has been a HUGE disappointment to me!  And I mean our ENTIRE marriage.  (NOT just since 1998 or 2001) It is what started this drift in our marriage. Sex is what separates married people from friends & siblings. It is the glue that keeps couples connected. Otherwise, you are just roommates. I have no fond sexual memories of our early married life.  I only remember being sad, crying & thinking something was wrong with ME!   Back then, I thought we had a good marriage, EXCEPT for the sex.   I thought that no one has a perfect marriage.  You would throw me a few crumbs from time to time & that would just keep me hanging on.  I did think I made a terrible mistake about 6 months into it.  But I was in love with you. I had no one to talk to about this.  I spoke with you about it, but never got anywhere.  You would tell me it was all in my mind, that I needed “help”. I didn’t think this was “normal” behavior.  I was brought up being told that what all guys want, is to get in your pants.  I think it is pretty sad that after being married for so long, I probably had more sex with my previous boyfriend than I have had with my husband.
 
The dysfunction in our marriage has now permeated to every aspect of our relationship.  I do not feel safe or comfortable in our relationship.
 
I care about you & love you.  But not the way a “wife" should love a “husband"  Those feeling are long gone.  I have thought about your suggestion, “to work on it”.  I have thought about what I am capable of doing at this point in time.  I don’t see our relationship improving beyond what it already is, a “friendship”, a father/daughter or brother/sister relationship.  I cannot give up any more of myself.  I cannot endure any more pain than I already have, in order to salvage what I feel is, unfixable.  What would be the point of going through the motions?  Counseling is not going to work if the two people are not on the same page.  And we are not on the same page
 
You shouldn’t be totally surprised by the direction our marriage has taken.   You told me yourself that you thought “this” would happen after something happened to your Dad.  Obviously, the thought has crossed your mind.  It crossed your mind back in November 2010 when you brought up “papers”,  & left the house during our 1st argument to call ( a female employee) & go to therapy.  I wonder what words of advice she gave you that night?  Maybe instead of confiding in another woman, you should've talked to your wife!  Instead of talking to old girlfriends & hiding it from your wife for years, ( but not from This female employee)  you should've "talked" to your wife!  I was right there!  I was ALWAYS supportive!  So maybe all these other women that you were so fortunate to have in your life, ("because behind every successful man is a good woman, & you're lucky enough to have several") didn't really help you.  I certainly didn't have any men that I confided in, just you.  I guess that I wasn't good enough.

  I hope that you can respect my feelings & opinion, even though they are different from yours.  I am scared.  I have fears.  But I am not going to let my fear paralyze me.  I am a strong person. I am concerned about you.  You have said that you can’t handle “this”.  I think that you can.  Only you (& a therapist) can help you through any emotional/mental issues that you have.  The strength to overcome them has to come from within YOU. You should know that I would never make a decision like this on a whim.  I have thought long & hard about it.  I am sure that you will get lots of “advice” from family & friends.  I would like to point out that I am a “good” person too.  I am not some *****. I have shared many years with you.  And I will continue to be the mother of your children.  My biggest concern is the impact on the kids.  THAT fear actually did paralyze me for quite awhile.  But I think that they will be ok, if we handle this in a mature, responsible manner.  They are my primary concern!  “I” have no problem living in a one bedroom apartment, as you so eloquently threatened.  I don’t think the kids deserve it though. It is up to YOU if the attorneys get everything that we worked for all these years. (By the way, THAT remark you said to me the other morning was another way of trying to manipulate me.)
 
I am sad that it has come down to this.  But I am hopeful that we can figure out what is in the best interests of the children.  I hope that whatever decisions we make, that they are made in a mature, level headed manner.
 
Love, 13
ANewLife4Me ANewLife4Me 46-50, F 21 Responses Feb 4, 2012

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Wow- It is like your living my life..Exactly-- Was is becoming of good men? Ive lost all hope that there are good ones out there. Divorce him (I know easier said than done) We will all be better off without being these scums whipping posts to torment (that only make the priks) feel better about their sorry ***** anyway... Let them blame themselves, and pay consequences for their behaviors and actions.

Oh woman.. I think you bette seek a marriage consultat. Sexless marriage is not your only problem.

Wow, your such a strong spirited woman and I admire you! Your kids will be adults one day and appreciate the strong woman/mother that you they have. As parents, we like to think our kids are not aware of our marriage life, but trust me they are. Unfortunately, your husband's issues run deeper than a dysfunctional marriage and he has serious issues, that he needs to work through. It's not YOU, it's HIM..I'm sending you all the positive energy I can and I wish you all the best...hugs and kisses:-*

Almost like you wrote that letter to my own husband.

I want to be strong like you. I think in one point men are genetically connected. They are physically stimulated so for them sex is just something you feel outside while we not really wanting sex but romance. Its a sign of assurance that we are loved and wanted and not used. I've been married for 13 years and got the same agony. But as a mother I would be willing to sacrifice my desires to be loved and caress. My husband would emotionally blackmail me. If I will not play by his rules then no sex for me. I consider myself too young to have sexless marriage and so I never stop dreaming that someday I will have a man of my dream. I am a beauty to rescue and I believe I am more than worth it. Thank you for your letter it somehow made me felt like I'll be fine just like you. ((Hugs))

I feel so sympathetic for you. My wife and I are good friends... just not having an adult married relationship. I'm glad you found the strength to leave and find something better for yourself.

I JUST READ A LETTER MY WIFE WOULD WRITE TO ME IF SHE HAD THE TIME TO CARE. MARRIAGES ARE BUILT ON PAIRS. I HOPE BOTH OF YOU CAN RECONNECT FOR THE BENEFIT OF YOUR CHILDRENS FUTURE. MY WIFE SOON TO BE X DEALT WITH 20 YEARS OF MY ALCOHOLISM. SHE HAD ENOUGH AND TOLD ME FACE UP. WE ARE OVER EACH OTHER BY ANNOUNCEMENT NOW, HOWEVER WE WERE OVER 2O YEARS AGO. OVER AND OUT.

Great letter!!! Good luck to you.

My God , what a letter , ...it touched me .

He sounds like a big bully.... I hope you kind do some soul searching and stay strong. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. Your his wife and mother of his children, he should have you on a pedestal! I have been where you are today, its scary and sad, especially when kids are involved. Hugs .....

wow, just read your letter. What a heart felt, well thought out ex<x>pression of regret, sadness, dejection, disappointment and fear. You are not alone in what you are going through or how you fell. Many of us feel trapped in an unhappy, less than loving partnership that has been dictated by one partner. I am curious as to how he reacted to the latter. was he angry? or conciliatory? It seems strange that someone that doesn't seem attracted to their spouse would be so adamant at keeping the marriage together. Is it the financial consequences of splitting the assets? or just the controlling nature of the denying spouse? I noticed most of the spouses that deny affection or intimacy are the "controlling" partner. I hope you are taking control of your future~

Mrnature, I never actually gave him this letter. I read it to him in a therapy session. He didn't want me to read it. He interrupted after the 1st paragraph &amp; said that it sounded good for the lawyers. Then when I finished, he made excuses about talking with his old girlfriend. He didn't address any of my feelings or anything else in the letter.

He claims he " didn't know" . Now that he does, he wants to work on the marriage. It is too little, too late for me. He says he still loves me. I find it hard to believe. I think it is the financial situation. And he doesn't want to change his comfortable life. He is angry ith me because I won't try. Trying should've happened years go. He blames me. How could I do this to the kids? He uses guilt &amp; anything he can think of to try to get me to do what he wants, which is to stay married. He just doesn't understand.

its a hard thing for someone to admit they let a relationship go to waste`

I can't believe that is all he said to you after this letter. Why are some men like this? When you have to tell them about your feelings, all they get is defensive when you hit a nerve. It is not fair for you to go through this. He can't understand what you feel, because he is simply just like that. I am daughter to divorced parents, and my life was better when they were divorced because when they were together all they did was fight, even in front of me and that affected me then in ways that I never realized until nowadays. The best thing for your children is to see you happy. Once you are away of that evil man then you will be happy, and so will your kids. I hope that you make the right decision and I hope that it goes well for you. Time will heal anything, don't be afraid.

Elegantly written. I understand your feelings and the need to feel love in return and in all ways. It is much lonelier to be sitting beside the person you love and feel like you are the only one in the room then it is to simply just be the only person in that room. <br />
Good luck to you and take care.

You are a brave and brilliant woman! Very strong! I must congratulate you! Yes,you will weep terrible tears,yes, it would hurt, but yes you are strong! Good luck! You are a great woman! Soooooo proud of you.(Wish I could give you a hug) truly amazing!

What a well-written letter from an obviously very courageous woman! God Bless You, hon: I hope everything works out for the best! (((((big hugs))))) --Sugar

Very well said! I hope he changes or you can leave or both. You deserve better. Keep in touch.

Thanks for all your comments! <br />
<br />
I am VERY nervous today. I only slept about 2 hours last night. I was busy crying buckets of tears. My H will not be able to deny where we are headed once he reads this letter. This morning, he hugged &amp; kissed me while I was half asleep on the couch. He likes to do this when I am defenseless. He can't get away with it when I am awake. <br />
<br />
I am afraid to give him the letter, but I HAVE to do it! I plan on handing it to him as he walks out the door to go to work. Not exactly the best timing, I admit, but his therapy appointment is at noon. And it might seem a bit cowardly, &amp; I guess it is. But I do not want to get into another "discussion" with him. I remember Baz's words that there aren't any awards given out for <br />
graceful exits. I have to do what is best for me. It is best for me NOT to be around until he has<br />
time to digest it. I plan on handing it to him &amp; saying something to the effect of, " I know you have a therapy appointment today. I think you should discuss " this" with her.". Then I am leaving the house. ( there won't be anyone with me. The kids will still be home.). I will bring the kids to school &amp; be out most of the day till the kids are home from school. Tomorrow night will be hard! I plan on having a friend on phone standby waiting for a call from me. <br />
<br />
My stomach is in a knot. I am sure I won't sleep much tonight either.

stand strong you owe it to yourself an.

stand strong - you owe it to yourself and your children keep the focus on what you NEED - to feel safe and to be respected.
i will be checking in tomorrow if you need to talk - and sending you all the support i can. you are never completely alone. love to you

Well written!

I think you added just the right amount of details. I hope it goes well for you, as well as these things go anyway...

Good luck, maybe it would be better to leave it on his car seat so he is out of the house when he gets it?

I was going to make it a brief letter &amp; Not go into details. A friend suggested that I include some details, because he may show it to others. Now if he does share it, there is some of my "why" for them to see too. I will be portrayed as the "bad guy" for breaking up my family. I don't think he will be too quick to share this letter. Although I hope he does with his therapist.

That was very good advice. I hadn't thought about that.

That's awesome. I could use parts of that letter practically word for word in some of my circumstances.

Me too