Post

I Feel Trapped

 Wow, so many of us!! I thought, judging by my circle of friends, that my situation was unique. It has been 5 months since we had sex and before that close to a year. With each of my 2 children....none for 9 months.

My marriage is only 7 years old, but I believe our problems began before our marriage did. Of course, sex is always better, more intense, more frequent when dating, right?? But even when dating, my desire for sex was stronger than his. I was astonished to be turned away--- that had NEVER happened to me before. Coming from, what I thought to be 'normal' dating relationships---sex several times a week-- to someone who just didn't seem that interested. Of course I attributed it to my appearance-- he must not like my 'type' (5'4' 135lbs brown hair). Well, he reassured me enough to get married- I thought the issue would get better, that it was all in my head. 

Now, 7 years later, after 2 children, 20lbs, counseling, numerous arguments and discussions-it is certainly not all in my head. My friends all think he must be gay. The counselor thinks he has 'Mother Issues". And I believe if I looked like Heather Locklear we wouldn't have these problems (although part of me hopes that is not true). He says that he isn't interested, but that our marriage is successful in every other way. Of course, my ego and self image are crushed.

Anyway, I had a very short, unfullfilling affair-- that didn't fix anything. But at this point I still fantasize about other men ALL THE TIME!! I've even told him this. I don't know what else to do. 

 

missingsex missingsex 36-40, F 35 Responses May 6, 2008

Your Response

Cancel

I came here looking for advice because I'm seriously considering a divorce. My husband and I used to have AMAZING sex almost every day. Sometimes he'd catch me on my way out the door and make me late to work! He was a little too jealous, possessive, and lackadaisical about work for me, but made up for it with his phenomenal skills in the bedroom. Then he got strung out on heroin. <br />
I was 27 when it happened and he's a decade older then me. I went through absolute hell with him and stayed despite all the lies, stealing, and abuse that stemmed from his addiction. We didn't have much sex while he was strung out because opiates make it impossible and also because he was staying with his drug addled ex-girlfriend much of the time. Now, however, he's been clean for two years. I thought our sex lives would go back to normal once he was no longer using, but they haven't. For a while it was ok- we'd have sex once or twice a week. We were splitting a house with my sister and her husband in Charleston because she'd lost her job and I promised to help her out, so I thought of course we'd have a little less sex because we had roomates. When we moved back to Atlanta by ourselves after 1.5 years he finally all over me again. For a week or two. I was ecstatic! He had a good job and we were having great sex. Then he called his ex and relapsed for a couple weeks. He spent all his money on drugs and couldn't get it up again. I took him back to Charleston for a month and he's clean now. At least I know he's not using daily because now he doesn't have a job and nothing's missing. I mean, he's broke and I don't give him money, so I don't think he could get drugs every day if he wanted to. But there's no sex. Honestly even less then when he was on drugs. I try and try but he constantly turns me away. We had sex ONE TIME a month ago after I came home from my female friend's house. I believe he only wanted sex to "mark his territory" because this was a girl I had been in love with as a teenager and had had a physical relationship with years ago. He has no interest in me but obviously can't stand he thought of me getting my needs met somewhere else. I'm 29 now and very pretty. I'm 5'9, blonde, blue eyes, 130 pounds. We're in a band together and I'm writing a book and I'm a dancer - people flirt with me and ask me out all the time. I used to tell them no because I was married - even when he was an evil junkie and absent from my life I honestly only wanted him. Now I'm not so sure. I'm obviously considering a divorce for a variety of reasons, but the lack of sex is he straw that's breaking my back. I NEED sex. I'd put up with a lot of other bs if he were &*%$ing me with the superhuman skill that he used to possess. I'd be happy if we had sex once or twice a week again and he initiated 50% of the time. For the first time in our marriage I'm having trouble staying monogamous. I'm actually fantasizing about other men and women (I'm bisexual), dreaming about them, considering meeting someone hot that I barely know just for no-strings-attached sex. I've never been like this before. I feel like a cat in heat and it's awful. It's like the more he tells me no, he more I want sex.

Ladies have you ever heard that the chase is great and fun but the catch isn't. Been with mine for over 25 years, found out that he doesnt know what marriage is. Thought all a couple had to do to constitute a marriage was to just get along under the same roof, have sex when he wanted it( and he didn't know the first thing about making love either). Stopped all over ten years ago. Before that we had lived in So. Ca. for a while, and found out some things about him when I found his wallet one day after he went to work ( maybe I was supposed to find it, anyway I found out he was interested in young girls, I found pictures of my 16 yr, old daughter and a couple of her girl friends she hung out with in his wallet., along with some of the most gross and discusting **** and adult sex acts. He snuck into my daughters room and stole her photo album and gelped himself to her pictures and then hid the album under our bed. The pictures he stole were of the girls in their skimpy little bathingsuits, pictures they had taken at one of the girls pool party, with just girls invited. Of course I confronted him and tried to make him shrink as low as the dirty RAT that he is . Have since found out other things that involved the (Casual Encounters, found on craigs list.. Needless to say, you should do what you can for yourself. Toxic loveless sexless un-envolved situation, cold relationship like this can make you deathly sick. Unhappiness causes unhealthiness. Save yourselves, find someone who makes you happy, even if it means crossing over. Its nobody's business. Good luck to all of us.

I am in this same situation.. Been married for 5 years together for 6. He is 11 years older. I am miserable. We have no sex life. I know he has low testostorne levels and really just doesn't care about sex. But I do.. He should care about me, right. I have 3 children from a prevous marriage and one 5 year old from him. I would never think of cheating, it is wrong whey not just leave or if you stay you must live with your choices. Which is why I am miserable. I homeschool 2 of my children and do not have any career options for myself so I could not provide without working many hours. I made a mistake in marrying my husband. But I am not sure how to leave. I do not want to hurt anyone.. (but i am hurting) is this fare.. is life fare? I don't know anymore. I know what I want but is it right for everyone involved (my children) They are my life. But do I want them to make the same mistakes I have made? I just don't know what to do.. I am stumpt! <br />
I am sorry for all who are in the same situation or any unhappy situation but please if children are involved an affair is not the way. Get out or deal with it but teaching are children that having an affair (hurting back are spouse) is the way then all we are doing is creating a chain of affairs in their lives as well.. Please think first.

I do not love my husband, but he says he loves me. I really want to end our marriage of almost 30 years because I feel trapped by his passive aggressive behavior. He says he loves me, then he degrades me. I feel truly pathetic thinking about any type of sexual situation with him. He has told me I smell, I am fat or he is not attracted to me. I do not understand why he wants to stay married to me, and yet I am here, more pathetic. I use to enjoy making love to him, but now I just bend over and well hope I do not stink. I went to a job interview and the interviewer was a man, he said you have the biggest pretties smile I have seen in a while, and I felt like crying. I just want to leave and try to be as happy as I can be, am I wrong.

This sounds horrible but we must be grown up and make sure our kids don't wound up the same. i married my wife for love not lust and that is what i got. Looking back i think you can grow to love almost anyone but lust is a biological thing. My wife simply dosn't have it. I physically need to *** at least once a day. I decided to see how long she would care not to have it if i didn't suggest. She has gone with out for close to a year. <br />
i am screwed cause i would never hurt my children by divorce. i think an affair with a mature person in similar situation is only solution.

I am 22 years old, 62'' and 132 pounds. I have never had a problem getting a date and have always enjoyed sex. My husband is 26. We have had less and less sex every month since a year ago. We have been together 2 years and some change. My self esteem is shot. I am contemplating divorce. He does not care to try to change even though I pour my heart to him. I am not ready to be a 22 year old virgin. I have given him everything and he does not appreciate me and is never satisfied. I am at the point of exploring my options and i have told him this. He has no real reaction. So I will. If it falls apart I know i loved him my best and I tried but I cant be the only one trying. Love is not everything. At least I am young enough to start over.

So why does he still stay in the marriage?

Hi everyone. I just discovered this site and I'm so grateful! FINALLY I can talk about this huge problem with someone other than myself.<br />
<br />
I've been married 6 years (our anniversary was either yesterday or the day before - I honestly don't remember) as it's nothing to celebrate. 2nd marriage, I have 3 kids from previous who love and adore this man. Thankfully they're older, the baby is 12. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately his idea of showing his love is by buying me "stuff" which doesn't work for me.<br />
<br />
I've gotten to the point now that I'm angry because before we met, yes I was a single parent with my 3 kids but I had a decent job and I owned my own home with zero credit card debts etc. He since persuaded me to sell my home (which was an income generating duplex) to buy this big old house that we now live in. The market is in the toilets and I want to leave. I just know I will be leaving empty handed - not even a penny for my troubles - HA!<br />
<br />
Anyway - my story is extremely long and I could write for days but I won't. I just wanted to introduce myself and vent a little bit.<br />
<br />
Thanks for listening :)

My wife and I had great sex when we were dating, but we've been together nearly 30 years, and since she went through menopause she has pretty much lost all interest in sex. Both of us have gained some weight (back when we met I weighed 180 and was very athletic, today I weigh 250 and am not as active as I was.) She hides her weight from me and is very sensitive about it. She is always trying to lose weight, butthe two things she needs to do--eat less and exercise a lot more---she refuses to do. I suspect that her focus on how much she weighs is a ploy to avoid sex. We have not had sex in months, and any time I touch her she shies away from me. I love her, and I have loved her for 30 years, but I am so not ready to begin a celibate life. I don't really want to have an affair, but the lack of tenderness and affection is beginning to really get to me. If polygamy were legal, and she would agree, I'd take a second wife. I don't want a sneaking-around, we're-doing-something-bad relationship, but I don't really know what else to do. We've tried counselling, we've tried hormones, "nothing." She says she is "happy with the way things are." But I'm sure not. I wish we had a single female friend whom I knew well, and whom I loved and trusted, with whom I could build a life-long relationship. I'm not looking for just a roll-in-the-hay. I want and need love and commitment and passion.<br />
Polygamy should be legal.

I used to think us guys experienced this problem much, much more often than women. However that assumption was wrong. And I too have had those thoughts of what is it my mate sees that is turning them off when I used to be the one who turned them on. This is going to be lengthy because of how I am and how much time I spend researching things. Male or Female this is a more common problem than most people realize. It is also a problem that the person who looses intrest doesn't seem to give a crap about either. You will also not get much support from people who also do not have much of a sex drive. There are so many people, even those who are sexually driven, who honestly believe there is something sinful or dirty about sex! I was an ordained minister for quite a while and it is crazy what people believe out there! The most extreme of these cases out there are those who think missionary is the only position approved by God and sex is purely for reproductive purposes. And you see many things between one extremity to another. Then you have people who loose intrest for psychological reasons, emotional reasons, and physical reasons. Endless excuses and/or beliefs about sex. I read a story on here recently about a guy in a sexless marriage who's wife had physical problems and offered for him to go find someone to fill that need and them still stay married, he wouldn't do it! Why? He wasn't that kind of guy. I didn't know if to tell him about how many times that was an acceptable practice from the hebrew people and every civilization on earth in history at some time and then include the fact how America is the long standing capital of monogomy. Or give him a web address that hooked his wife up with a site about a christian sex counsler who ended up with physical problems herself and had to make herself offer her body to her husband for a whole week to overcome it and found that it got her back in the groove! Look it's like this everyone has different sex drives. For the person on the non-recieving end of satisfaction this is a huge emotional, relationship, and physically damaging problem! I myself love my wife with great intensity. When I married her, like we all were out of highschool, better built by societies standards. Back then any man would have died for just an hour with her naked. I have watched her body change over 11 years of marriage. As all our bodies do. After one kid and years of hard work, physical injury, slowing down of metabolism she has not become obeist. But she is heavier. I watch her walk through the house and I am still smitten, if it wasn't for the kid being at home I would grab her and make every attempt to subdue her desires right into the bedroom! But our sex has went from on weekends while dating, to everynight and sometimes twice in one day the first 4 years of marriage, to as many as 8 months without it while she wasn't pregnant!, and now about once a month the desire hits her. Our problem right now is stress, hectic work schedules, and not enough time together without our kid. We are working to correct all this. But for many they do not. Even the bible has verses telling us not to deny our husband or wife our body. But arousal and desire have so many things tied into it I have found one question the most useful. Sit down together at a good time, look your mate in the eye, have how often you need it in mind, and ask them what do you want me to do to get you to do this for me. The answers may suprise you or tick you off to no end. But it will bring new understanding and give you a new base to work from. Hope it helps!

I just joined the site, and I am crying as I read each of your stories. I have only been married for one year -- actually our anniversary is December 1st - that will be just one year. My husband had a huge sexual appetite when we met and it continued through the first month of our marriage. We had sex daily, usually 3 or 4 times everyday. After about a month of marriage, it started dwindling to once a week, then once every two weeks. We recently went through almost six full months of absolutely no sex at all. Then once, but now another 2 months have gone by. He swears it isn't me, and it isn't someone else in his life, but I don't believe it anymore. What baffles me the most, and I'd love to hear other opinions regarding this, but we have never had an unsuccessful attempt at sex. In other words, its not like we try and he just can't perform, causing him embarrassment and fear of trying. He just will not get near me. He no longer holds me at night. He kisses me when he leaves home, but no other time. My marriage is not only sexless, but it is completely affectionless. I can hardly take it. I have told him how difficult it is for me, and how ugly it makes me feel, but he won't discuss it with me. I have to just pretend I don't notice or else he gets angry. At first, when it first began to dwindle away, when I would say anything, he would say that he felt like I was pressuring him, trying to manipulate him .... he actually used the word "rape" to describe his feelings of me wanting to make love to him. I am not pushy by any means, and I have always let him be the one to initiate sex. That is because if I initiate anything, he gets mad at me because he feels I am pressuring him. <br />
<br />
He did recently have blood work done and it showed that he was extremely hypothyroid. I read on it and it is common to become impotent when hypothyroid. He has been on the medication for about two months now, but his interest in me has not changed. The doctor gave him Cialis to try, but he has not even tried it -- which again baffles me. <br />
<br />
I just feel so lonely inside this marriage -- and I love him so very very much. I thought maybe it was because he didn't like my breasts -- I have breastfed three sons. He made comments about them, and said "You should get breast implants if you aren't happy with your breasts." I had never had an issue before that, but realized that they really weren't what they had been. I had it done and he was really excited about it. I thought maybe he just had an issue with that and it would go away. Well, it hasn't. I am 5'4, I weigh 105 pounds, have long blonde hair, and wear a 32E bra. I am a model for a living. I am anything but conceited, actually am very shy. I don't get out much otherwise, but when I do, often men will show interest in me. It is so hard to not fall into an affair, just so I can feel the touch of another human, but I haven't done anything of the sort. It's like we are best friends, living together, and he doesn't even care that even though he doesn't have any interest in sex, I do!! <br />
<br />
Please help me understand.....

you sound very smart for your age, but we'll see you again in 10 years and where your head is at then.<br />
<br />
people need to wise up--if they have 'completely shut down to you, permanently' and all threats do is make it worse, then they really need to tell those of us waiting for some guidance as to what the future of the relationship is about to get off at the next station and stop wasting our time.<br />
<br />
that kind of game playing is cold-blooded murder in slow motion. it should be prosecutable under the law.

I am also glad I found this site. I thought I was the only one out there.<br />
I have been married 7 yrs with my husband 9 yrs. Sexless 1 yr, the year before we had sex 2 times.<br />
I really don't miss the sex, I miss the cuddling and the physical contact. We don't even hug or kiss hardly.

This is so depressing, but good to know I am not alone. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7 of them. I have finally given up on sex or any kind of intimacy. Nothing makes me feel less than human than being turned down by the person who is supposed to be my life partner. On the rare occasion that we do have sex (maybe one or two times a YEAR), if I so much as give any direction on what I like, he gets mad at me and leaves. My husband prefers to spend his time with his friends and our two boys. I left a successful career to stay home and raise our family and now I am stuck and at a loss for what to do? I want so much to leave him, but he and our home are everything to my children. My self-worth is almost down to zero.

i agree. i was once only 7 years old, and also had a discussion

Wow - this sounds like my life! <br />
I have been in a short, very sexually fulfilling affair, but he's not my husband and he sends me all these mixed messages. I just would LOVE more sex, and someone who wants to take an interest in me.

i can only say i will do what he wont!! i need distance and some space now, but still wanna slap skinn, married on the sly sex is so wrong is ultimate naughty hot. want me to be old neighbor friend of moms. stay until the thrillof hes home as we **** sex wears of. start at mall perjaps, bra shop with him, ill pick one for you. show him a new sex toy we bought see if he responds? im full of this, will be a delight to play around with, geet your freak on, worth a look anyway, perhaps long term fix?? message me soon, ill be right there>

Hello im new here . im a 46yr old male been married 6yrs now.. it seems as though im also headed towrds a sexless marriage. the first few yrs were great we never really had much problem.. i was always very adventerous with sex so that helped.. but then she had a hysterectomy and ever since then she has fully changed.. she been on hormones ect.. but i think metally something changed more then physically.. our sex life has been very dull the past 3yrs,, it seems as though she dont want to try to change it.. im a very loving man easy going honest fun loving and very hard working ect.. we have had numerous conversations about this and shes expressed to me " She Is NO Longer In Love With Me" Im so tired of trying to be the man i should to his wife.. To me Romance Means so much .. the other aspects of our marriage i think are good.. im not a fighter or arguer ect.. nor is she.. but im now wondering what's my next step ? i dont want a divorce but then again i do want to feel sexual love.. i been faithful have yet to step away.. i feel so stuck and lonely at times..

i"ll be married 20 years this wensday and have probly had sex with my husband 30 times through that time. I was pregnant thats why we got married I didnt even have sex on my honeymoon night. That sould have been a warning .when we first got married i would almost have to beg for it,then I just got to bored.I had an affair with my old boyfriend 5 years ago he would just hold me and tell me the kinda of things women like to hear and although thats over i sure do miss the way i felt , like a women.

Amazing how many of us their are... both male and female. I am a passionate, romantic male who lives with a woman who won't even touch me. I stay, like many of you, because of my two wonderful boys and financial obligations. I've been physically faithful... but it's been extremely hard. I keep hoping things will change... that love and intimacy will magically return. She doesn't want to talk or seek counseling. I am sooo terribly sad and lonely. I empathize with all of you who seek love and companionship. Hugs all around!

I too am shocked at how many women are in my situation. We are what most men want, right? a woman with desire! i wonder how many of us would get out if there were no money issues?

hi what a big dissapointment this we were not told about how to deal with everything else yes But how can one so called life partner treat us or not to ones basic need to have some compassion gets us though the day the week Would it be nice to have a friend to laugh with to share to be there for you to touch you like you always thought it should be affairs dont do it its genetic and leaves no satisfaction what is a person to do

Oh my!! I found this site by accident and am kind of glad that I did. Now I can put things down on "paper" without worrying about it being found. I'm on my second marriage - we were together for almost 1 1/5 years and my new hubby knew that I was unhappy with my first marriage because I always felt so neglected. Now, I'm facing this same situation in a marriage that's only 2 months old. We've had sex just once since we got married! <br />
<br />
We have one of his kids (18) who live with us and he's afraid the kid will hear us. I say - Big deal - it's a part of life.<br />
<br />
He expects me to work all day, then come home, make dinner, wash dishes and clean house and then says he's lonely during the day (he works early and gets home at noon). I really don't think he's cheating, but I can't think of why he's not interested. <br />
<br />
I've make several comments and I just can't make him see that I NEED sex - from him! I'm really thinking of finding another guy to satisfy me but don't honestly want to do that. <br />
<br />
I'm so confused. I am not bad looking, keep myself clean and know how to please him - i just can't get him to want to :(

I'm amazed I'm not the only one! I thought it was me. But I'm a very passionate person. It's him! I thought my weight? no my age? no It's him he has a problem. We have sex, ya know the kind that you have replayed over and over, boring, every couple of months. I got myself a vibrator and some sexy movies. Not the same as a person, but oh well. by the way......I know it's not me cuz before I dated him I was very passionate with others and actually took them by surprise :-)

As the song goes, "If you're not with the one you love, Love the one you're with". <br />
Ladies, think of yourselves for a change. Why would you go without sex. Most men would be on the prowl in a heartbeat. If your husband can't or won't give you what you need, go out and get it. If you are feeling "Too decent to do that", then get out of the marriage and find someone else.<br />
I think you should demand to be taken care of, or you will find someone else to take care of you. <br />
If nothing else it will get him thinking. Or he may just say, go find someone, in which case, do it.<br />
Feeling sorry for yourself will get you nothing but stressed out and one day you will look at an old woman in your mirror and wish you had done something about it. <br />
Ed in VA

I am in the very same boat! She just does not seem interested at all! I have a very strong drive but of course I understand that she may not be just like me everyway. but is that any reason to turn me down 99% of the time? All I think of is women. The more I miss out on what should be my sex life the more I crave it and a womans attention.

I feel for you. I understand that situation from a male side. I am married to a woman who loves me deeply but has not desire for sex and wants me to be celibate. We've been in a sexless marriage for over 10 years. Don't know how to fix it. Want to leave but so far not able too. Don't want to give up hope but it is about all gone. Don't be like me, make a move while you are young enough, I saw it earlier on in our marriage but never thought after all the years that it would go from sparse to a sexless situation. I hope you can find the ansers you need:)

sorry to spoil the party here ladies but each of your stories could have been written by me. I have been married for 16+ years and I have to say sex has never been good. We have three children and I think the only time she relly wanted sex was when we tried for the babies. She has never been adventurous by any stretch of the imagination. I am the sort of guy who could never force any kind of sex act on to a partner unless they were 100% happy with. As a consequence we only have sex on a vary infrequent basis and it is all over extremely quickly. Dont even ask about being adventurous as "that is disgusting". I long for affection and an exchange of sexual energies and so I have had affairs filling a void from time to time but I have always bourne the responsibility of fatherhood and would not want to jeopardize that. I will carry on regardless for a few years and reflect when our children are a littel older but I feel I have been cheated out of love and passin over the last few years.

wow. I am really glad I found this site. I seriously thought it was just me. I haven't even written my story on this site yet either. Its really comforting to know that there are other people out there with the same situation that won't judge. Not to say that we are "lucky" to have found each other... its not like we don't want to enjoy sex.. but in a way yes, we are lucky to get some feelings and emotions off our chest. <br />
I've been married for almost 6 years, 4 of those sexless... not to mention that sex started falling off even before the wedding. Even our wedding night felt like we had sex just because that is what you are supposed to do. <br />
What is your husbands response to your conversation about the sexless marriage? Do you think he's getting sex elsewhere??

I TOTALLY sympathize with you. I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 10. The first year was pretty good for us. It's just gotten worse over time. I know I've tried talking to him about it for at least 8 years. 8 years!!! He knows how depressed, rejected, and ugly it makes me feel. I am a normal, healthy, sexual woman. I've talked calmly, cried, been angry, tried everything from videos & lingire...I've gone as far as trying bulemia for a year (didn't work of course). I feel so pathetic. I NEVER thought this would be a problem for me. I find myself contemplating divorce and/or infidelitly on a daily basis. As a Christian I know its wrong, but I still think it. Thanks for sharing : )