The Circular Nature Of My Dilema...

My sister said to me the other day "He (husband of 15 years) can be so loving, caring, generous and attentive with you; and sometimes he can be so selfish and callous." She is a good observer. She pretty much summed up my dilema. I came to the conclusion recently that being the ever-optimist in our relationship, I have always focused on the silver lining: ie. the loving, caring.. etc; and rationalized the existence of the big ugly choking cloud encased within: ie. my15 year marriage consisted of three elements: Me, Him and ***********. I'm not talking about once in a while when the mood strikes and he finds himself alone whatever.. I dont care.  I'm talking about a man whose erogenous zone is miniscule and resides in that tiny space between his eyeballs and the place in his brain that controls his genitals. Apparently it completely paved over the pathway in his brain that controls sexual behavior with a real woman.  Now this woman, me, is not a super model, nor your typical pornstar,  or an athletic goddess. No, in fact I am a size 12-14 38C at 5'5" a curvy girl with a pretty face who hasn't "let herself go". I am exactly the same size, if not thinner thant at 21 when we met. Before and during my marriage I have never lacked attention from the opposite sex when the opportunities arose. I've been told that I am a sweet, sensuous woman and my husband is a lucky man. I never pursued these possibilities because I am a loyal wife... too loyal perhaps.   Yes... too loyal in light of the fact that he has not demonstated any urge to give or receive physical attention in seven years.. and the previous seven years were not something to write to penthouse about. The fact that we have a nonexistent sex life is deeply wounding to me as a woman and as a wife who has so much love to give . I have anguished and gone to bed alone countless nights, woken up alone knowing the reason: he is satisfying that craving without me. I've confronted him gently and supportively... I've confronted him in a wild rage... I've asked him what I can do to help.. without shaming him or blaming him... I've given him chance after chance.  He says all the right things, I forgrive him, I do what I need to do to restore peace in the house.... and there we go.. to that familiar deadend .. again. Where he would live for the rest of his life if left undisturbed and content. But where does that leave me? So what do I do? We don't have children, he's 10 years my senior and lately I can barely stand the sound of his voice. However, I do love him dearly for many reasons and I feel so sorry for him. I don't want to hurt him by abandoning him, obviously he needs some kind of help, and he would admit that, but all talk and no action turns into 15 years and that deadend... see my dilema?
ShellyHeartAche ShellyHeartAche
36-40, F
8 Responses Apr 9, 2012

I two am in a sexless marriage.

I'm sorry to hear that... so you too have struggled with the idea of living the rest of your life in a platonic partnership.

Well your profile pic looks great, maybe you can act out one of his **** stories.Let him get turned on and come in the room in something sexy.

Well you see... therein lies the crux of the problem. At some point in a marriage the woman (me) has evolved past those moments of re-enacting scenes from a movie and pretend I am satisfied. The evolution of this woman's sexuality has progressed to such things as enjoying the company of a man who looks at you and tells you in erotic an not uncertain terms what he would like to do to every cell of your body.... and then procedes to do so slowly and methodically. Which in turn sparks moments of pure and loving reciprocation. Is that too much to ask for? Of course moments of wild graphic passion would be welcomed if the intention was that of pure mutual attraction and not another way to jerk off.

That would be nice but you take what you can get ,that 's what I try to do.

I suggest you total up the bill for his actions and present it to him. <br />
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Prepare an exit plan. See a divorce lawyer and start saving and planning for a happier future.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

You have stated in a few words the idea that has haunted me. The hours of mental energy devoted to this exit plan leave me exhausted and empty inside. If I feel such anguish at the thought of leaving him and not caring of what will become of him, is it really the right decision? What if I regret it and the future is not happier but lonelier? Is being in a platonic relationship better than being alone or have to go through another failed relationship? I know you say to stay strong and the only way I know how to do that right now is to maintain the status quo even if its killing the woman in me. I appreciate your words and may in fact be the best thing to do if I can answer those questions.

I have been where you are so i understand. I too wasn't happy at the way the status quo had become in my marriage, too one sided towards my wife. I left. Yes i was lonely and hurt, but you know what life goes on and eventually tou will come out better for it. Me leaving made my wife realise what she had lost, so a short time later we reconciled. But nothing would have happened if i didn't start to hold her to account. I suggest you do the same. If he truly wants to stay with you after that he will move heaven and earth to change and be with you, if he doesn't than you know you made the right decision.

Have you looked on the I Live in a Sexless Marriage group - there you will find so many people in similar situations, struggling to make sense of their spouses lack of interest. As daguid says, there really are only three main options, no one can tell you what to do, you have to work through what is best for you, yourself.<br />
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I would add that there is a fourth option - the hardest, work it out and stay - but that will only work if your H is fully on board and prepared to see a counsellor and work at your marriage.

I am afraid that he will never accept a marriage counselor because he thinks he can fix it all himself because its not such a big deal etc etc and if I have to give him the ultimate choice I have to be prepared to also give the ultimate consequence. I need to prepare for that because I am not now.

Ah yes, the Exit Plan. I think that once you have reached this point and are considering the consequences then it is time to move on. I wish you all the best, it won't be easy but will probably ultimately be best for you.

sigh....<br />
as i read this i've can give you 3 options.<br />
1 play the cards that you were dealt.<br />
2 get a toy box.<br />
3 just walk away....<br />
there is someone for everyone. people come into our lives for a eason and they also leave for a reason.<br />
God looks out for His own. we are not born with patience, we have to learn it. i say that you are now on a learning curve...<br />
P.S. i think that colored women can be so downright sexy. and that isn't just me.

I got the toy box, but that doesn't make up for the comfort of what I'm missing...

Option 1 is the way I've lived for 7 years and has been rather comfortable.. why can't I be content with that? Option 2 is not as fun when you dont have some one to share with Option 3 is becoming more attractive but I ache at the thought of abandoning a man whom I've loved, nurtured and created a life with.. How does one walk away from that?

and by 'rather comfortable' I mean the areas of our relationship that are not sex related.

Eight of my 10 years of marriage have been lacking sexually (less then 10 times a year). I am attractive, successful and generous. My husband is a fine roommate, but I want a lover. I'm tired of excuses. Sexless marriage is his choice, not mine. I am afraid to leave because a 55 year old black woman has few options for companionship. I wonder if this is better than being alone.

I have also weighed the options 1. a somewhat distant and sexless marriage that is otherwise functional or 2. venture out to find that person whose passion for life and love matches yours with the understanding that it may never happen. I am still without an answer...

you wrong about that. I'm a black woman in my 50's and have plenty men to date. go find your groove again. don't let this deadwood take ya down.

i too lived in a sexless marriage. i was married for 28 years. the last 3 were in the same boat as you and many, many others. she hit menopause,losing her funnybone and her horny bone too. she became a "screaming mimi." it got to the point of 2 out of my 3 sons moving out so they diddn't have to listen to her. 6 months later i had a "sit down" with her. i told her that this life as we know it has become intolerable. it wasn't an health issue. i walked away from her and literally gave her the"farm." all 20 acres of it....
i now live in Vermont. 33+/- acres on a dead end country dirt road. it has a cozy home that sits at the base of a pasture. it also came wiith a beaver pond, woodlot, fruit orchard, blueberry and raspberry patches too.
i carefully weighed the options. either i stay and have a hole in my soul OR leave and start anew. it was scary BUT in the long run it was the best decision that i ever made.
i now have found a wonderful woman that calls me, and i call her mine. (did that come out right?)
anyway, as i was can either stay and always be aware of what you are missing OR you can be "adventurous" and go and get what you are deserving of.
but hey, that's just me...

I am in the exact same boat. Have a big confrontation, listen to him vow his love for me, and that he will work harder, then watch as things drift back to the way they were. That he finds me unattractive is just killing me. He would rather sit in his little room with his computer than come to bed with me. Our one year anniversary is next month. I don't know how much longer I can stand it. I'm a good looking, full of energy 50 year old. I don't want to settle for a roommate marriage. I'm worth a lot more than that. And so are you!

Thank you so much.. we are worth more than that. and since I've posted my story my heart has become more distant... I guess time will tell for both of us. Our men will probaby always resort to their old ways of thinking and we are the ones who'll evolve.

It's good you still love him and want to be with him but I believe sex is a very important part of a relationship and once that ends its hard to get it back. And to stay loyal he is a very lucky man. Never lose your self confidence, just because he isn't having sex with you doesn't mean your not beautiful.

Thanks Blake. There once was a time when I felt inadequate as a woman because he would rather watch a screen than be with me. But I know full well now that he is the one with the problem. He cannot relate to me as a woman because his mother wasnt prepared to bond with him in a healthy way. Now the problem has landed squarely on my lap.