The Circular Nature Of My Dilema...My sister said to me the other day "He (husband of 15 years) can be so loving, caring, generous and attentive with you; and sometimes he can be so selfish and callous." She is a good observer. She pretty much summed up my dilema. I came to the conclusion recently that being the ever-optimist in our relationship, I have always focused on the silver lining: ie. the loving, caring.. etc; and rationalized the existence of the big ugly choking cloud encased within: ie. my15 year marriage consisted of three elements: Me, Him and ***********. I'm not talking about once in a while when the mood strikes and he finds himself alone whatever.. I dont care. I'm talking about a man whose erogenous zone is miniscule and resides in that tiny space between his eyeballs and the place in his brain that controls his genitals. Apparently it completely paved over the pathway in his brain that controls sexual behavior with a real woman. Now this woman, me, is not a super model, nor your typical pornstar, or an athletic goddess. No, in fact I am a size 12-14 38C at 5'5" a curvy girl with a pretty face who hasn't "let herself go". I am exactly the same size, if not thinner thant at 21 when we met. Before and during my marriage I have never lacked attention from the opposite sex when the opportunities arose. I've been told that I am a sweet, sensuous woman and my husband is a lucky man. I never pursued these possibilities because I am a loyal wife... too loyal perhaps. Yes... too loyal in light of the fact that he has not demonstated any urge to give or receive physical attention in seven years.. and the previous seven years were not something to write to penthouse about. The fact that we have a nonexistent sex life is deeply wounding to me as a woman and as a wife who has so much love to give . I have anguished and gone to bed alone countless nights, woken up alone knowing the reason: he is satisfying that craving without me. I've confronted him gently and supportively... I've confronted him in a wild rage... I've asked him what I can do to help.. without shaming him or blaming him... I've given him chance after chance. He says all the right things, I forgrive him, I do what I need to do to restore peace in the house.... and there we go.. to that familiar deadend .. again. Where he would live for the rest of his life if left undisturbed and content. But where does that leave me? So what do I do? We don't have children, he's 10 years my senior and lately I can barely stand the sound of his voice. However, I do love him dearly for many reasons and I feel so sorry for him. I don't want to hurt him by abandoning him, obviously he needs some kind of help, and he would admit that, but all talk and no action turns into 15 years and that deadend... see my dilema?
ShellyHeartAche 36-40, F 8 Responses 3 Apr 9, 2012