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I Pretend

I fake to get along with my husband ..... I would try to talk to him about why there is no sex in our marriage ... I complained constantly, about his lack of envolment, why he wont do anything with me, or go anywhere with me ... For 2 years I tried, but he is happy to sit in his chair all day and watch TV and troll on the computer. ( at one point he had an on line affair ) that has been his life for 3 and half years now. he sits all day and watches TV.... trolls on p/c .....then off to bed .. he might as well place him self into a home for bed ridden people, cause he acts just like one .... he is 63 but acts and talks like he is older ( he is beginning to look older then he is, do to lack of exercising) point is ........I pretend to love him, I pretend to care, I pretend to be happy, I pretend to be ok with our sexless marriage, to keep the relationship civil... until i can get the hell out of dodge.. before i started pretending, we were at in each others face yelling, hollering, avoiding each other, not talking. id make snide remarks about his man hood, how he isnt being the man he should be..... now that i have dropped all the complaints and act like im ok with every thing, things are pleasant.... I look at him as a stepping stone, till things allow me to move forward, towards a life i really want. iv left him to his life of sitting there watching TV and trolling on the p/c . update 1/6/13. he had an heart attack...... had stents put in... he smoked for 40 years and him doing nothing but sitting, watching TV,  trolling on p/c will give you a death certificate.  2/ 14/ 2013  I  moved to the guest bed room to sleep permanently.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  UPDATE 10/ 10/ 2013 found out he is still playing around with this online girl/f. his health, he has good days, bad days  he stopped telling me he loves me about 3 months ago.. it probably  because I don't sleep with him anymore.     update yaaaaaaaaaaa   1/2/  2014    I got a job!!!  I will be working out of town a lot,  so i wont be home much!!!!!  im escaping!!!   of course he is acting like, oh well just another day!!! yea right!!!  he was no happy about me getting a jov! he could not find it in himself to feel happy for me!! he is about to lose his house and everything else and all he can do is is act like its just another day!!! I asked him ....... are you alive???!! because it looks as though you have flat lined!!!! lmffo  hahahahahha he is sulking, acting  as if he is half dead, he has been acting like that for a year now!!  he acts like he is still in recovery from his heart attack he had dec 2012 when he should be acting like he has recovered. but ya know what???   that is his problem!!!!  i have my job now,  and it pays well enough for me to go on with my life!!!yaaaaaaa
Asianblue Asianblue 41-45, F 30 Responses Jun 10, 2012

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UPDATE ..RIGHT NOW MY WORLD IS BEING TURNED UPSIDE DOWN..> http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/4497912

Take the reins and head off into the sunset for a new enjoyable life

;update... 5-25-14 I got a call from my guy, he said well it looks like my daughter might be moving back in, so I asked him.... do I need to move all my things out of the bed room? since she "might be" moving back in.....
(she is 33 years old I don't know he says .....she may change her mind tomorrow, just wait and see.

I asked him.... does she know that her decision to move back in effects others not just her;
I also asked him, if he is trying to tell me in a round about way that I need to take my things out of his house?... of course he said no !


but even if he was looking to make me take my things out. he would not admit it!! he goes on to say ..she cant move in with her aunt because it is to far, she is just tired of putting up with her roommates little girl and she told her r/m that she cant deal with it any more.


I'm now left to make some decisions on where I stand ! anyone have any thoughts?

Not sure what to say on this one. He seems to ignore the elephant in the room. Are you able to save up enough to live somewhere else? I know it does take a lot. A 33 year old should have a better grasp on her life. Keep us posted.

I work out of town so im not home much .....im there maybe 9 to 18 hours a week .just everything own is in his home! furniture clothes. keep sakes
etc!

all i got to say to his daughter is ...welcome to the jungle little girl!!! welcome to real life!!!

so far she has not moved back in.... .I told him her cat will ruin my furniture!

i have Italian marble tables (4 in al) that i paid a 1000 for back when i had money ! and my couch and love seat is brand new!! her cat will starch it **** on it etc.
a week ago she wrote on her F/B wall oh i made a mistake about leaving my lover ( she is gay) she is disappointed that things didn't work out when she moved in with her friend who lives close to her dad.. now trying to move in with dad since im not there much anymore.

but so far she hasn't yaaaas!1 it would not work out ! with me still there !!! she is daddy's little girl!!! ugggg .she is the son he always wanted

So you have a dysfunction junction going on there! AHH YEAH The daddy's little girl ****! I dealt with it once before...everything revolves around them! You get the back burner. Well hopefully you will be on your own soon...after all that house sounds like nothing worth hanging onto.

Thankfully I don't have to deal with the ugly whacka kook SIL hardly. Now that she has her "CHECK" she is fine! Except for her ongoing psychosis!
Which gets ignored. Now I am trying to deal with my brother no prize there either. I wrote about it on here.

OK YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY GYPS

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i am happy for you no one should be treated like that

thanks buzz

You go girl..!

Hey glad to hear your doing better. It is nice to see the light ahead. What type of work are you doing now? Are you still doing hairdressing? Glad u foubd something i could imagine how rough it is. Sorry to hear your husbands attitude has not improved. I know I hv complained on mine Although He does work hard and makes an effort. His PIA SISSY has her pension ck so thankfully no more whining or giving her money.We only hv 3 more years and we own the house yeah!!! Thankfully he took care of it. I will write more later got to get going. Take care

Sorry for the misspellings I am trying to get use to my iphone. The keyboard is different than what I am use to.

no worries!!!! im not the best at writing my self!!

and now with the auto response it makes it even worse

Woo hoo for the job. I hope you are finding men like he is finding women to play with. !! Where all does your Job take you now?

Geeze I haven't talked to you for quite some time and he is STILL talking to that online girl? I thought he would quit that crap but I guess not. Sorry at least you got a job though so you can get on with your life <3

yeo he is pathetic !!!right now im playing that card game know when to hold them know when to run !! right now im holding the cards right where i want them!!! there are many lose ends between us so im having to still play the pretend card! .............. got to keep the enemy happy ... till my new job becomes a bit more stable and im able to take care of property and personal matters between us .

It will work out its good that you already have a job, now it just needs to be finalized :D

power to you you deserve better ,,, go for it if he is alive he should get on the band wagon ,,if not leave him in the dust ,, whhhhoooo hoooo life is for living

happy thank you (((hugs)))) yes with my new job i have to adjust ,after living with a guy who never spoke or did anything out side of watching TV and listening to radio. odd to hear others talking, conversing!! i still am on good terms with him, iv gone out of my way to be since i still have a few of my things in his home. and im still new on the job !

few times iv gone back to get a few more of my things he look pitiful! but he did it to him self he has no one to blame!! thank god im gone most the time with my job!!! he still tries his old mind games !! little does he know im growing in leaps and bounds now!!!

and like u said dust! in the wind!!!

Havin that new job is going to help you keep your sanity

guy to say the least!! my job is an out of town type of job so i wont be seeing much of him!! yaa!!!!

I do a fair amount of travel for my and it's a really good thing. So yes I understand

Good deal. A first step on the way to self-sufficiency. What type of job is it?

Gold carpet. There is another 60's thing that was best left in the 60s. Is this the house you live(d) in? Mildew can be a house killer. Some potential buyers can't even be in there looking at the house.

Would it be fair to say that he has been "unmotivated" for many years? What did he do for a living before Social Security?

project manger type of jobs, he made good money (6 number paychecks) and he never put one dime into the house, iv only been with him for four years!

congratulations.

thank you!!! iv been looking for a job for 18 months!!! finally!!!

my guy is being an ***, acting like nothing is going on!! god for bid any true happens goes on around him!!

well for all i care he can stick his flat line life in the dirt and stay there!!! i have a life to live and im going to live it!!

OMG, I am in danger of becoming like your husband. He is bored, depressed, and who knows what. I don't know how to avoid this.

get out ad enjoy ur life is the first step

I just need a reason to get out. Maybe I'll just take a book to the beach

join health club.

Oh, I hate those places

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oh my god, are you freakin serious??? what a jerk!!! my heart goes out for you, my husband girlfriend died just last month, and we have a sexless marriage too.

my husband is 64 too

wow she died? woooo do you know from what?

the gal my refuser is hooked up with on line has teen kids at home. and still married!! my refuser turned a long term relationship into an affair! and the witch took the hook!

she works at the airport with him, the she was so dang busy flirting with him, and did not see the tail of the plane when she was walking, oh well, his loss, my gain.

they have been in relationship since 2000.

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I bet you have an "escape plan." What is your timeline for this plan like? I formulated one ten years ago and it is progressing according to schedule. Two more years to go.

omg do I ever!!!

good for you solarcell

Well done you!

Now it is time for you to get your sexlife back on track but with someone who cares about you!

thank you..


ya if i was still emotional attached to him id be in the nut house

(We'd be in there together if I was still emotionally attached to mine, I doubted my emotional stability so many times... still do actually)

You need a man who loves 360 degrees of intimacy! A man with a life and a passion for life, who will walk by your side, and love and admire and empower the passion he sees in you.

thanks ifoundmyself you summed it up well

Agreed... but you have to get out there and find it to move on!

I also have been around the block a few times...LOL

pin yes if i can find a man who wants to date and not just hook up then im there

I am thinking that the hook up could be the start of something great.... IF NOT.. move on and try another..
There is nothing wrong with a girl doing what guys have always done!

(Women have always been doing what guys have always done, it's simply that society has always throwned upon sensual woman; there are many words to describe a sensual woman, ****, loose, *****, nymphomaniac etc, but not for promiscious men, they are simply latin lovers, Don Gioviani's, maybe the worst is "player"...)

Exactly.... you girls that can get out the should do so but without the labels!

believe me i have!!!!

yes you never hear men being called loose

oh iv done the hook up thing lol that is why m not looking for it now

what happened to going out on a date ?

I am thinking that as we all get a little less young....
things are sort of done in another way!
Trying some sexual compatibility first and then discovering the niceties as time moves forward!

im very strong minded women and know my self well... I'm candid and up front.

I stopped being a "girl" when I started paying my own rent and facing lifes challenges, I love being a "woman".

(some men have loose ball sacks though...sorry for the TMI, I suppose they could be described as loose?)

Loved the TMI moment!
I prefer to call them low hangers!...lol

Ifoundmehere I can relate

I was just trying to keep it light and youthful!
I didn't mean to offend!

No offense taken, simply being "playful". But I believe mst women prefer to be called women, as I suppose most men prefer to be called men, a rightful rite of passage?

Touche!

iv done many things with my life. my life has not been simple im looking for simple ! looking for some one who likes to enjoy life.

when i first meet a guy its all about sex with them as if they cant talk about nothing but sex ....and if they do speak on a different subject mins later it goes back to sex.

I think it is just sounding out as to whether there is likely to be some action and that adds to the chase to move things on!
Us guys ARE pretty simple...it is a fact! LOL
A lot of us guys are looking for fun and enjoyment too!

yes most guys are looking for a song and dance and if you stop doing their dance they become bored!

i get tired of talking about blow jobs and oral sex what position you like etc etc etc

as if that's what will sustain a life ! it will help but the life is so much more.

I'd like a foodie!

I love my food as well as everything else!
Steak .. rare!
Pasta .. al dente

That sounds odd...I mean I would like to find a man who has a passion for food, a man who doesn't push food around his plate and worry about dijestion, a man who loves to cook and experiment with foods from every culture, a passion for food for me is a good indication of a passion for life. I love a belly on a man too, nothing like girthly girth.

my guy is a foodie,wish he wasn't !! always wanting to feed me as if food is love .

Does he make good food?

yes he is a good cook!!

he even listens to a cooking show on the radio every sat

that is often done to try and stop 'his' woman from straying.. a very old trick!.

My pleasures in food also include cooking and experimenting.
I make a pretty mean curry and have cooked a 12 course Chinese meal for eight!

yes to get them fat so they will think that no man will want them.

...mine helped me on my way to fatness for a while back there, I was totally to blame, I stuffed myself silly, but my "poison" was well stocked and we went through packs of butter a week.
Anyway, back to work. I had a cancellation, It was nice to spend it here instead! Happy Monday!

Don't give up...your husband is a loser...hope you move on quickly

Thank you plugging away!

ur kind for saying such (((hugs)))

You make a good point...I agree

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i love you sounds like a foreign language . i feel for you . having an online affair seems pretty cold . sounds like he's hurting himself (health wise) as he is you .try not to get upset it can make you sick too . have a good evening !

thank you for your insight, yes it does sound like he is hurting him self!

yes the words I love you does sound like a foreign language. i agree. I guess i got lucky, his x wife said he never said those word to her.

some peole use it aal the tine till it has no meaning . an occasional i love you makes you feel warm . some people just don't know how to say them . my dad is one of them . mom said he came from a family that just never said those words . maybe your husband falls into that catagory . have a great day . big HUG !

yes my x use to say the words I love you all the time till it ran into being silly .

like someone telling you constantly " I'm sorry "

he stopped saying those word just recently, I figure its to get back at me!

back at you for trying ! i feel sorry for him .for letting you slip away . wish ther was something more to say . being silly with i love you is worse than not saying . stay strong !

thanks
yea getting back at me for not playing his game.

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daisy, I had NO idea you were dealing with common issues to mine. I'm so sorry. Anytime you need to talk something out feel free to drop me a line.

thank you iwalydg yes i have a lot on my plate im dealing with! much more then what i have wrote about here on exp proj !!

If your Husband was 4 years older, I would say our Husbands are twins.
I avoid as much direct contact as I can lately, we eat meals together and I listen to his stories about his favourite tv shows, riveting. I stopped confiding, approaching, sharing or trying to maintain a strong relationship with him, in parallel to our open marriage. The sad thing is, my Husband believes that I am happy? He believes that we have a future together. He does not miss "us" in any way and as there is no longer tension or any form of conflict, I think he believes I am a happily married woman finally.
He invited me out to dinner last week and said " we don't do much together anymore". I could only stare and say I had already eaten. So he knows how detached I am? Doesn't he see that I am now giving as much as I had been getting out of our marriage for over a decade?
I tried so hard.
I could have written most of your story...How are you doing?

wow yes !! our lives are very parallel to each others!! yes my refuser sent me a link to a health commentary *sex after heart attack*

i looked at him as if he was talking about the weather! then turned back around continued doing what I was doing before he interrupted me.

**He does not miss "us" in any way**

yes ! since i moved out of the bed room 9 months ago he has only mentioned it twice ,the whole conversation was said in passing, lasted maybe 5 mins. acts like its just another day !


**Doesn't he see that I am now giving as much as I had been getting out of our marriage for over a decade *

yes i get what you say! i wonder the same! I think my refuser tries to get back at me for moving out of the bed room, he drooped saying " I love you" out side of that he pretty much wasn't involved with "US"

thanks for asking ! im doing ok! take each day as it comes !
hope you have found some happiness out side of ur refuser . (((hugs)))

Funny that he sends you a link, regarding something that is obviously hurting him. It's almost as though he wanted you to stop what you were doing, read it, instantly understand him, give him his validation and then what?
Why couldn't he sit down in front of you and simply admit he has changed internally since his heart attack and needs help moving past it. He's living like a pre op patient, not a healthy post op survivor, no sex, no exercise, it's like he is blocked mentally, still suffering and recovering from a heart attack.
You could send him a link, "sex after successful heart surgery"?
I'm glad you are OK, although I imagine OK just about means you are still leading this dark, heavy , lonely life!
Hope today was a good day!

**Funny that he sends you a link, regarding something that is obviously hurting him. It's almost as though he wanted you to stop what you were doing, read it, instantly understand him, give him his validation and then what**

yes, you pretty much have him nailed! yep read it ! and like you said ..then what? I felt lost after I skimmed through it . I guess I could of followed through with some stupid sex remark??

but one of the many reasons why I moved out of the bed room was because of his online sex affair he has/had going on. so him sending me that link was a double edge sword !!

yes what was I suppose to do instantly understand him? it just added fire to the uneasiness of it all!

I thought he may of been trying to set up, some re-set sex. but, I'm so past wanting sex from him!

***Why couldn't he sit down in front of you and simply admit he has changed internally since his heart attack and needs help moving past it. He's living like a pre op patient, not a healthy post op survivor, no sex, no exercise, it's like he is blocked mentally, still suffering and recovering from a heart attack.***

yes!! your soooooo right! he is living like a pre- op patient ! he never has a good day, just bad days and some days are worst than others!

you are right,t he is blocked!! he wont listen to anyone nor will he let anyone help him!!

I'm wondering if its a set up? him faking how bad he is to get sympathy? (he also has copd) he does nothing to help him self ! outside of taking his meds and half way eating right!

I don't see him living much longer. when I leave his daughter will probably move in they are best buddies!

yes it can get lonely! but I'm very strong person emotionally! I take each day as it comes to me.

yes today was good ,nice warm tropical day and my girl/f from fla called .. so its all good! I don't lock my self into his stuff to much any more!

(((( great big hug for you ))))

You wrote that his ex-wife felt a withdrawal when his mother died, then you felt his withdrawal when he had a life threatening health problem, he seems unable to work through big life changes?
Therapy would help this man, he holds his emotions closely inside, then destroys his world around him, like he wants everyone close to him to suffer as much as he does.
Believe me, once his daughter lives for a week with this man, they won't be so close, unless she is as auto-destructive as he is, then I imagine they can loll around in self pity and be as happy as pigs in **** forever together! I guess, happy endings all around, as long as you are far, far away from SM land, in happy ever after normal, emotional and expressive land!

his withdrawal happened the day he and I moved in together 3 years ago, he would stare out the window for hours... I thought he was on drugs!...

yes he was an *** after he got home from the hospital ... that went on for a few months.

then I caught him again, on line with his girl/f writing her sex stories...

yes, you are right.... he is unable to deal with life's problems!!! he does hold his emotions close to him self... only god knows where he is coming from!

we have had an on going tragedy for the last few years and he acts like its just a another day as if nothing is going on with it .even with evidence stacked up in plain view he does nothing! its just another day la de da !

his daughter is gay and she is his favorite, they often talk crap about his x (her mom ) they have a mutual dislike for his x wife and his son (her brother) she seems to be able to gaze over her fathers absurd thinking /ways...

hate to say t but there is so much more going on then what iv told here...but I have a exit plan and I'm working it .just not out the door yet ..

thanks for replying! I appreciate ur views

oh yea i agree with him wanting every body around him to suffer too! that is why i refuse to sit around brooding like he does.

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My wife was raped 26 years ago and stopped our sex life. "All men are animals" including me. So I know what it is like to live in a sexless marriage. We manage to live together in the same house, and bed, but we are not a couple any more.

yea its gotten to where my guy is so moody, i don't know what to do with him.... he is sick has copd and had a heart stent placed in last dec 2012..... he never seems to feel good now.

its all up to him to make him self feel better i cant do it !!

I had a quadruple heart bypass three years ago and used it as an excuse to do nothing and became a lazy old man incapable of mowing the grass. Recently started walking and finding I am feeling better

yes i tell him all the time... he needs to get up off his *** and move! he can sit there and take all the meds he wants to, and eat all the health food he desires but, not doing any physical activity will kill him off sooner then later! he has good days and bad days but more bad then good... i told him the meds and heart stent were suppose to make him fell better, not worse!

I completely understand your position. My wife doesn't give me what I need or want. Sex is practically non-existent. If it does happen, it's totally vanilla. We've talked about it and she always promises to do better. It never gets any better. This has been going on for 15 years. We've been married for 25. I've been thinking seriously about a divorce but just can't bring myself to do it.
Want to meet and have sex?

Wow. That is sad. Sounds like my husband and he's only 42. I am considering leaving him, but I have a 3 year old to think about. He watches Internet **** and ***** *** instead of putting the effort into a healthy sexual relationship. Thanks for posting.

ok i looked up histronic he doesnt seem like he fits the histronic personailty to much, but one of sub personailty to it ..>Tempestuous: negativistic (passive-aggressive) he may fit.. he is a boring guy, never has much to say about anything...he acts like a lump of clay..hard to belive he once played in a band for a living................ like don rickles said in a joke recently... talking to clint east wood is like living a lone...lol

I was wondering is your Husband a Viet Nam Vet? Mine is.....sometimes I wonder if his personality and bad disposition may be due to VN OR A LOT HIS AWFUL CHILDHOOD...WITH A PSYCHO STEP DAD. look up histronic behavior it may just be interesting to read.....I found it so.....B

nope he didn't fight in any wars, nor did he join the military.... my father is the one who fought in nam. living with a guy who has never lived a military life style, is some times difficult. he doesn't get me, I was raised in the military and pretty much lived it most my life. I will look up histrionic, I know just a lil about it.. my spouse was raised by a single mom..she became pregnant by a guy she was dating late in life, his brother and sister are damn near 80 ...... apparently his dad wasn't around so he knows nothing of him,and he talks like he could care less if he does

One true thing I hold pride in my husband is he did serve..VM...AND A HARD JOB AT THAT....He is also very skilled with wood building and mechanics.
The similarity between our guys is mine never knew his REAL father either for he left and divored his mom when he was about 2 that can cause a lot of issues as well......I would be curious to know that side of his backgroud but cannot discuss it he gets too too upset.

here i am a month later and all my stuff came to a head in the last few days.. we had a verbal knock out drag out .. confrontation....and i found out he is stll playing around with his on line g/f...and grooming another with his smooth talk ...for god sakes he is 62 ******* years old... stop the stupid crap, you dont have much time left here on mother earth.. why **** it all off, trying to act like its all ok,with being a donkeys ***... . we are not speaking... god help me..

I remember being in this space but for different reasons. It was a painful vacuum of space to live in. The grass wasn't greener on the "other side," and I knew it. But, on the other side was a ME that I believed in, and that was worth climbing over that fence. I hope you are able to find your greener pastures.

trust thank you for yr reply...

You've done the right thing. Moving on and turning things to your advantage. I hate saying this, but with a man like him it's even useless to have an argument.

lady thanks for the reply... yes it is useless, i agree, i was trying to deal with him on a normal level, that was one of the problems, he anit normal!

I did that until I could get out.

how long did you do it scooter

this makes me sad. I faced similar issues, but turned things around. I love my wife and want to make her very happy. It is so hard with toddlers in the house. <br />
<br />
The devil is in the details...I try to complement her and tell her that: she is beautiful, I like her hair and love it when she wears a dress and can find the time to paint her nails. I try to flirt with her, hold her, kiss her, bite her neck and rub her *** or touch her breast every chance I get. I try to be very supportive although that is never as easy as it sounds. Your story has inspired me to buy flowers and a card for her tomorrow. :)

yes, my guy is sweet too, but he forgot about the sex part, and the part where we share things out side the bed room.
he says he loves me, he tell me i look good, gives me hugs once in a while, buys me my fav junk food .... but that all i get ....

OMG, mine used to too, I think he quite enjoyed making me fat and sexually unattractive to anyone else!

yep, I told my guy before we moved in together that I don't care for red meat. and I like to try to eat healthy! but noooooooo he doesn't see it that way!

no wonder he had a heart attack! and his heavy smoking didn't help !

Oh no I forget men like him don't have any balls, take the pan over his head "bang MF" lol

For you to be like a nurse or something, house cleaner, cook etc. Stupid f---k, you should kick him in his barls!