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I Pretend

I fake to get along with my husband .....
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I would try to talk to him about why there is no sex in our marriage ...
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I complained constantly, about his lack of envolment, why he wont do anything with me, or go anywhere with me ...
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For 2 years I tried, but he is happy to sit in his chair all day and watch TV and troll on the computer. ( at one point he had an on line affair )
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that has been his life for 3 and half years now.
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he sits all day and watches TV.... trolls on p/c .....then off to bed ..

he might as well place him self into a home for bed ridden people, cause he acts just like one ....
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he is 63 but acts and talks like he is older ( he is beginning to look older then he is, do to lack of exercising )
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point is ........I pretend to love him, I pretend to care, I pretend to be happy, I pretend to be ok with our sexless marriage, to keep the relationship civil... until i can get the hell out of dodge..
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before i started pretending, we were at in each others face yelling, hollering, avoiding each other, not talking. id make snide remarks about his man hood, how he isnt being the man he should be.....
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now that i have dropped all the complaints and act like im ok with every thing, things are pleasant....

I look at him as a stepping stone, till things allow me to move forward, towards a life i really want. iv left him to his life of sitting there watching TV and trolling on the p/c .
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update 1/6/13. He had an heart attack...... had stents put in... he smoked for 40 years and him doing nothing but sitting, watching TV,  trolling on p/c will give you a death certificate.
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 2/ 14/ 2013  I  moved to the guest bed room to sleep permanently.                                                                                                                                                                           -                                                                                                       UPDATE 10/ 10/ 2013 found out he is still playing around with this online girl/f he has good days, bad days with his health, he stopped telling me he loves me 3 months ago.. it probably  because I don't sleep with him anymore.    
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update yaaaaaaaaaaa   1/2/  2014   

I got a job!!!  I will be working out of town a lot,  so i wont be home much!!!!!  im escaping!!!   of course he is acting like a ***, he wasn't happy about me getting a job! he could not find it in himself to feel one ounce of joy for me!! even though we need the money !!!!!!!!!
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he is about to lose his house and everything else and all he can do is is act like bastard about me getting a job ????? I asked him ....... are you alive???!! because it looks as though you have flat lined!!!! lmffo  hahah-

he is sulking , looks as if he is half dead, he has been acting like that for a year now!! 
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he acts like he is still in recovery from his heart attack he had dec 2012 when he should be acting like he has recovered.
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but ya know what???   that is his problem!!!!  i have my job now,  and it pays well enough for me to go on with my life!!!yaaaaaaa
westsideblues1 westsideblues1 41-45, F 14 Responses Jun 10, 2012

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isn't it something to live with a spouse who acts and thinks like they are 100 yrs old? My W is 54 and you'd swear she is 74. Never wants to do anything, never a risk or adventure, nervous about absolutely everything. On top of that she has absolutely no coping skills everything overwhelms her! Oh and of course sex is completely of the table. Good for you on moving toward an escape!

yea !!! i don't understand people who want to just sit at home all day every day 365 days a year!!!!

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you might as well just go on and buy your self a coffin and sleep in it !!

yea i left 8 months ago. just working on moving my larger things out of the house now ...

ALMOST THERE YEAH

RIGHT now its cheap storage. until he decide other wise!
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I'm not a rich woman!

Buddy I know how you feel. My husband is in his mid 60's w arthritis. He does work hard still. He is usually tired. N hurting ir something. Hw also has no sense of adventure probably due to the condition. I sympathize yet it is a big bummer for me.

I would like to go for a day teip or just something. Yet I am stuck at home dealing with his issues. YOUR NOT ALONE

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UPDATE ..RIGHT NOW MY WORLD IS BEING TURNED UPSIDE DOWN..> http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/4497912

;update... 5-25-14 I got a call from my guy, he said well it looks like my daughter might be moving back in, so I asked him.... do I need to move all my things out of the bed room? since she "might be" moving back in.....
(she is 33 years old I don't know he says .....she may change her mind tomorrow, just wait and see.

I asked him.... does she know that her decision to move back in effects others not just her;
I also asked him, if he is trying to tell me in a round about way that I need to take my things out of his house?... of course he said no !


but even if he was looking to make me take my things out. he would not admit it!! he goes on to say ..she cant move in with her aunt because it is to far, she is just tired of putting up with her roommates little girl and she told her r/m that she cant deal with it any more.


I'm now left to make some decisions on where I stand ! anyone have any thoughts?

Not sure what to say on this one. He seems to ignore the elephant in the room. Are you able to save up enough to live somewhere else? I know it does take a lot. A 33 year old should have a better grasp on her life. Keep us posted.

I work out of town so im not home much .....im there maybe 9 to 18 hours a week .just everything own is in his home! furniture clothes. keep sakes
etc!

all i got to say to his daughter is ...welcome to the jungle little girl!!! welcome to real life!!!

so far she has not moved back in.... .I told him her cat will ruin my furniture!

i have Italian marble tables (4 in al) that i paid a 1000 for back when i had money ! and my couch and love seat is brand new!! her cat will starch it **** on it etc.
a week ago she wrote on her F/B wall oh i made a mistake about leaving my lover ( she is gay) she is disappointed that things didn't work out when she moved in with her friend who lives close to her dad.. now trying to move in with dad since im not there much anymore.

but so far she hasn't yaaaas!1 it would not work out ! with me still there !!! she is daddy's little girl!!! ugggg .she is the son he always wanted

So you have a dysfunction junction going on there! AHH YEAH The daddy's little girl ****! I dealt with it once before...everything revolves around them! You get the back burner. Well hopefully you will be on your own soon...after all that house sounds like nothing worth hanging onto.

Thankfully I don't have to deal with the ugly whacka kook SIL hardly. Now that she has her "CHECK" she is fine! Except for her ongoing psychosis!
Which gets ignored. Now I am trying to deal with my brother no prize there either. I wrote about it on here.

OK YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY GYPS

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Hey glad to hear your doing better. It is nice to see the light ahead. What type of work are you doing now? Are you still doing hairdressing? Glad u foubd something i could imagine how rough it is. Sorry to hear your husbands attitude has not improved. I know I hv complained on mine Although He does work hard and makes an effort. His PIA SISSY has her pension ck so thankfully no more whining or giving her money.We only hv 3 more years and we own the house yeah!!! Thankfully he took care of it. I will write more later got to get going. Take care

Sorry for the misspellings I am trying to get use to my iphone. The keyboard is different than what I am use to.

no worries!!!! im not the best at writing my self!!

and now with the auto response it makes it even worse

Woo hoo for the job. I hope you are finding men like he is finding women to play with. !! Where all does your Job take you now?

Geeze I haven't talked to you for quite some time and he is STILL talking to that online girl? I thought he would quit that crap but I guess not. Sorry at least you got a job though so you can get on with your life <3

yeo he is pathetic !!!right now im playing that card game know when to hold them know when to run !! right now im holding the cards right where i want them!!! there are many lose ends between us so im having to still play the pretend card! .............. got to keep the enemy happy ... till my new job becomes a bit more stable and im able to take care of property and personal matters between us .

It will work out its good that you already have a job, now it just needs to be finalized :D

power to you you deserve better ,,, go for it if he is alive he should get on the band wagon ,,if not leave him in the dust ,, whhhhoooo hoooo life is for living

happy thank you (((hugs)))) yes with my new job i have to adjust ,after living with a guy who never spoke or did anything out side of watching TV and listening to radio. odd to hear others talking, conversing!! i still am on good terms with him, iv gone out of my way to be since i still have a few of my things in his home. and im still new on the job !

few times iv gone back to get a few more of my things he look pitiful! but he did it to him self he has no one to blame!! thank god im gone most the time with my job!!! he still tries his old mind games !! little does he know im growing in leaps and bounds now!!!

and like u said dust! in the wind!!!

Havin that new job is going to help you keep your sanity

guy to say the least!! my job is an out of town type of job so i wont be seeing much of him!! yaa!!!!

I do a fair amount of travel for my and it's a really good thing. So yes I understand

Good deal. A first step on the way to self-sufficiency. What type of job is it?

Gold carpet. There is another 60's thing that was best left in the 60s. Is this the house you live(d) in? Mildew can be a house killer. Some potential buyers can't even be in there looking at the house.

Would it be fair to say that he has been "unmotivated" for many years? What did he do for a living before Social Security?

project manger type of jobs, he made good money (6 number paychecks) and he never put one dime into the house, iv only been with him for four years!

If your Husband was 4 years older, I would say our Husbands are twins.
I avoid as much direct contact as I can lately, we eat meals together and I listen to his stories about his favourite tv shows, riveting. I stopped confiding, approaching, sharing or trying to maintain a strong relationship with him, in parallel to our open marriage. The sad thing is, my Husband believes that I am happy? He believes that we have a future together. He does not miss "us" in any way and as there is no longer tension or any form of conflict, I think he believes I am a happily married woman finally.
He invited me out to dinner last week and said " we don't do much together anymore". I could only stare and say I had already eaten. So he knows how detached I am? Doesn't he see that I am now giving as much as I had been getting out of our marriage for over a decade?
I tried so hard.
I could have written most of your story...How are you doing?

wow yes !! our lives are very parallel to each others!! yes my refuser sent me a link to a health commentary *sex after heart attack*

i looked at him as if he was talking about the weather! then turned back around continued doing what I was doing before he interrupted me.

**He does not miss "us" in any way**

yes ! since i moved out of the bed room 9 months ago he has only mentioned it twice ,the whole conversation was said in passing, lasted maybe 5 mins. acts like its just another day !


**Doesn't he see that I am now giving as much as I had been getting out of our marriage for over a decade *

yes i get what you say! i wonder the same! I think my refuser tries to get back at me for moving out of the bed room, he drooped saying " I love you" out side of that he pretty much wasn't involved with "US"

Funny that he sends you a link, regarding something that is obviously hurting him. It's almost as though he wanted you to stop what you were doing, read it, instantly understand him, give him his validation and then what?
Why couldn't he sit down in front of you and simply admit he has changed internally since his heart attack and needs help moving past it. He's living like a pre op patient, not a healthy post op survivor, no sex, no exercise, it's like he is blocked mentally, still suffering and recovering from a heart attack.
You could send him a link, "sex after successful heart surgery"?
I'm glad you are OK, although I imagine OK just about means you are still leading this dark, heavy , lonely life!
Hope today was a good day!

**Funny that he sends you a link, regarding something that is obviously hurting him. It's almost as though he wanted you to stop what you were doing, read it, instantly understand him, give him his validation and then what**

yes, you pretty much have him nailed! yep read it ! and like you said ..then what? I felt lost after I skimmed through it . I guess I could of followed through with some stupid sex remark??

but one of the many reasons why I moved out of the bed room was because of his online sex affair he has/had going on. so him sending me that link was a double edge sword !!

yes what was I suppose to do instantly understand him? it just added fire to the uneasiness of it all!

I thought he may of been trying to set up, some re-set sex. but, I'm so past wanting sex from him!

***Why couldn't he sit down in front of you and simply admit he has changed internally since his heart attack and needs help moving past it. He's living like a pre op patient, not a healthy post op survivor, no sex, no exercise, it's like he is blocked mentally, still suffering and recovering from a heart attack.***

yes!! your soooooo right! he is living like a pre- op patient ! he never has a good day, just bad days and some days are worst than others!

you are right,t he is blocked!! he wont listen to anyone nor will he let anyone help him!!

I'm wondering if its a set up? him faking how bad he is to get sympathy? (he also has copd) he does nothing to help him self ! outside of taking his meds and half way eating right!

I don't see him living much longer. when I leave his daughter will probably move in they are best buddies!

yes it can get lonely! but I'm very strong person emotionally! I take each day as it comes to me.

yes today was good ,nice warm tropical day and my girl/f from fla called .. so its all good! I don't lock my self into his stuff to much any more!

(((( great big hug for you ))))

You wrote that his ex-wife felt a withdrawal when his mother died, then you felt his withdrawal when he had a life threatening health problem, he seems unable to work through big life changes?
Therapy would help this man, he holds his emotions closely inside, then destroys his world around him, like he wants everyone close to him to suffer as much as he does.
Believe me, once his daughter lives for a week with this man, they won't be so close, unless she is as auto-destructive as he is, then I imagine they can loll around in self pity and be as happy as pigs in **** forever together! I guess, happy endings all around, as long as you are far, far away from SM land, in happy ever after normal, emotional and expressive land!

his withdrawal happened the day he and I moved in together 3 years ago, he would stare out the window for hours... I thought he was on drugs!...

yes he was an *** after he got home from the hospital ... that went on for a few months.

then I caught him again, on line with his girl/f writing her sex stories...

yes, you are right.... he is unable to deal with life's problems!!! he does hold his emotions close to him self... only god knows where he is coming from!

we have had an on going tragedy for the last few years and he acts like its just a another day as if nothing is going on with it .even with evidence stacked up in plain view he does nothing! its just another day la de da !

his daughter is gay and she is his favorite, they often talk crap about his x (her mom ) they have a mutual dislike for his x wife and his son (her brother) she seems to be able to gaze over her fathers absurd thinking /ways...

hate to say t but there is so much more going on then what iv told here...but I have a exit plan and I'm working it .just not out the door yet ..

thanks for replying! I appreciate ur views

oh yea i agree with him wanting every body around him to suffer too! that is why i refuse to sit around brooding like he does.

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here i am a month later and all my stuff came to a head in the last few days.. we had a verbal knock out drag out .. confrontation....and i found out he is stll playing around with his on line g/f...and grooming another with his smooth talk ...for god sakes he is 62 ******* years old... stop the stupid crap, you dont have much time left here on mother earth.. why **** it all off, trying to act like its all ok,with being a donkeys ***... . we are not speaking... god help me..

You've done the right thing. Moving on and turning things to your advantage. I hate saying this, but with a man like him it's even useless to have an argument.

lady thanks for the reply... yes it is useless, i agree, i was trying to deal with him on a normal level, that was one of the problems, he anit normal!

Oh no I forget men like him don't have any balls, take the pan over his head "bang MF" lol

For you to be like a nurse or something, house cleaner, cook etc. Stupid f---k, you should kick him in his barls!

Find out what he finds so interesting on the internet... You think he is running away from you? Then why he still stays married to you?

( to keep him company, to keep him from being a lone ) .. i belong to the grp, sexless marrige, our refusers refuse sex but want us there for many reasons out side of sex ... it could be money,fame, loneness, to look normal, to have kids, to hide being gay, nice home, some one to keep house running for them, or to look after them cause they are sick, the list goes on and on ... they play the bait and switch game, act like they are all into you to get married then once married they stop the sex .. cause they got what they want ...

they dont marry to have sex or intimacy, they marry for things out side sex....un be knowest to the partner ...