Is There Men Out There That Do Not Initiate Sex?

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is 36 (6 years younger than me). He never initiates sex but never turns me down when I initiate it. But the fact that he never comes to me makes me feel like I am not needed/wanted. When I do initiate I feel like he is just doing it to keep me happy. When I let him know I want sex and we can't for whatever reason he doesn't come to me for it when we can. He waited til I went to work and then jerked off. This hurt me very much. When I asked him about it he said I am never home when he wants it. He use to watch **** and jerk off all the time until I told him how disrespectful it was to me when he knows I am willing and want to take care of his needs. The sex is awesome and I am a successful person with my career and I am very attractive. I am thinking about ending the relationship because I do not like the way it makes me feel that he does not want to be with me in that way. Is there something wrong with me? When I told him how it makes me feel he ignores it like I am just going to forget about it and let it pass. He also says he doesn't initiate sex. But come on, I let him know I wanted it and he just crawls into bed and cuddles with me and nothing else. I don't like to initiate either but I do! I hate the way I feel that my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me. He actually said it was ok for me to take care of myself?! wth? Please give advice! Is this normal that some men do not like to initiate or is he not attracted to me or am I boring in the bedroom?
taffygolucky taffygolucky
41-45
12 Responses Jul 6, 2012

Oh my god. I thought I was the only one with this issue! Hello ladies! I'm so glad we're together on this one!

My bf of 8 months-ish initiated sex in the beginning. 3-5 months in, it tapered off. I know I am attractive, he is hot, we have lots in common, we get along great, but he doesn't initiate. Everytime we hangout he has to talk about how "small" his penis is. But it's not even small! It's above average and I really enjoy it.

He hasn't made me climax from oral yet and he seemed discouraged about it. He mentioned how much he liked doing it to women before we were together. I can't climax with someone unless I feel very emotionally connected. I protect myself until it's time not to.

This is the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever had expect just a couple things. Him not initiating sex is a big one!

I'm not going to lie, I love the chase a bit. How me makes me want him more, then when we have sex (initiated by me, obvi) it's usually pretty amazing. I don't mind chasing because it keeps me interested, but after a while I need a him to initiate at least one time to mix it up!


I buy new lingerie frequently and I give him lap dances, he always gets very turned on. I'm going to see how long he doesn't initiate after tonight.

I was with a man for two years who never once initiated sex with me. He claimed no/low sex drive due to depression and the after effects of antidepressants. However as time went on it became clear that he did become aroused when I initiated sex, but the issue was his dislike for intimacy. He was a person of issues, and I got bored and fed-up having to initiate all the time, and things just died a death in the bedroom. The lack of sex and intimacy drove me out of the relationship. When I left the relationship I did some work with a counsellor to help move on from the relationship experience. We arrived at the conclusion that he had Cerebral Narcissism, of which asexuality/dislike of intimacy is a feature. On a deeper level, it seems that these type of men actually despise women, and gain greater pleasure in witholding sex than giving sexual pleasure to their partner. They also view sex as a base activity for less intelligent beings than themselves, favouring ************. This echoed the actual words of how my ex had referred to his opinions of sex. If your man is not initiating sex, but is able to gain sexual pleasure from himself in the act of sex, he may be a narcissist. If so, my advice is ditch and run - they bring to joy to anyone and will even break you.

Hello women. I am a man you has always initiate but lately i have not initiate. For me its because of the reasons below. When i was younger i never understood why women were not in the mood or didnt initiate but now were older and wiser we are now aware of the same things and acknowledges it. So its never you physically not being attractive or sexy, for us it becomes a mental battle. We want to be wanted as well and hearing the no or getting turned down builds a rebellious state of mind that we will be in control as well. And not put ours self in the line of fire. Communication is a start and both of you being able to express one self without argument, judgement and understanding the other is important. Being selfless and all about the other. Our motors and sex drive are still kicking, its the brains that affects things when we are older.

#1. Protecting Himself.

Weird, isn’t this one of the reasons you don’t initiate either? He doesn’t want to be turned down anymore – he is protecting his feelings.

#2. He Is Protecting You.

If you’re like me, you might have been experiencing pain during sex and had to stop him for that reason. He feels like he was hurting you and of course he doesn’t want to hurt you. Therefore, in attempts to protect you he is not pushing the matter. He think you will initiate when you are ready.

#3. He Is Super Stressed and/or Exhausted.

It isn’t always about you. I know hard to believe sometimes… but really, he could just be really drained from outside circumstances such as work, a health situation, situations with family or friends that are emotionally draining. It has happened to all of us at different times, and he is no exception.a

I myself am a male who does not initiate sex. I as well was molested as a preteen by my older brother. I am currently studying psychology. When a person is molested they can take on the interests of the molester as their own. Thinking that they should act and do the things the molester did; as well as think that their partners should do the things the molester did to be pleased. As I myself realize these things, my sense of what sexuality is; not only healthily undeveloped but also miscued because of the influence. I notice in my own marriage as well as past relationships that when I desired the things my molester did and received them from my partner, the same disconnect followed that I experienced after being molested. My molester grew angry if I wouldn't let him do those things and would verbally abuse and ostrify me. Now when I am turned down on the things I desire, I naturally feel shunned, distanced, and not good enough again. As men we have to be wanted and needed so naturally I wait for my spouse to initiate. It's not only safer to our emotional states but easier also. Often times and studies have shown that a molested person often times only knows how to initiate in the ways that they have been initiated with by all of their partners. Often times too unmolested person will try to act like their molester as a self defense mechanism to combat the sexual deviation what they feel. As most of my own partners have been females, I naturally do the things a female would to initiate, this leads me to feel less of a man. I could see why your husbands would try to resort to ****.to establish a mentally safe link to sexual pleasure. Also the privacy of the molestation reflects the privacy of the *****graphic videos.

Correction *a molested*

Ohh my! I turned to google to see if I'm the only woman who is always the initiater! If I don't start it, he seems to get upset! I told him I want him to initiate it, it makes me feel wanted! He says he's to tired and rolls over!

You're not alone.

My current bf never ever initiates sex. I asked him straight up if he was even attracted to me and he was surprised by my question. I told him that I always initiate sex and he just lies there like a cold fish. Like at least grab me or make some noise, you know?

We had a talk and he confessed that's he's used to the women always initiating and doing all the work (i'm not surprised, all his exes are very ugly) but regardless, I told him that it takes two at that he can at least show he's interested, that a simple ***** isn't enough for me.

Anyways, even after this talk he doesn't initiate. I'm never rejected when I initiate, but if I don't, then we never have sex! And i've told him I need to feel wanted and attractive to him, otherwise I just will lose interest. He STILL doesn't get it.

He's been cheated on before and now i'm beginning to understand why. I know it's unfair to say so, but it's no wonder! I spoke up about this and thought that at least if he's in the know he will understand what's going on but nope! No change.

I'm also considering ending this relationship. I don't need a man who isn't a MAN, and if he can't make me feel like a WOMAN, then i'll find someone who can.

I'm aware this is quite an old post, but I'm going to respond to it incase anyone else reads this also and needs help on this this. This is exactly the same conversations I had with my ex, NakedEyes. And nothing changed. That is why he is now an ex. There is only so much sexual frustration and feelings of rejection that you can take, and should take if your partner does not appreciate the stress this puts on you. You can make the accomodation to their lack of initiation, but if they are unwilling to address the issues, it really does limit your choices and options to stay with them. I would love to know if you managed to sort this, or if you did leave him.

I am a man who is in the same position you are in but reversed. If I did not initiate sex in my marriage (of 23 years) we would never have sex. I attempted an experiment to see if my wife would initiate sex if I stopped. I went 4 months and couldn't take it anymore so I initiated and she responded with a hum-drum interest (I think just to please me). Same thing a few more times that year for about 5 times in a year. . When I addressed that we had not had sex for few months and so few times in the past year, she was surprised-- as if she hadn't noticed and it hadn't even occurred to her. No I am not looking for sympathy or pity, just pointing out that there are some people who just do not have sex on their minds or interest in sex at all unless it is for the other person and when only that person wants it and they can accommodate it. Plain and simple, they could go without it. I really believe that my wife could and since we already have 2 children (I got snipped about 10 years ago) there is not reason to have sex since we have finished reproducing (the only real reason to have sex in her mind-I think?). I have accepted the fact that she is the way she is and she just doesn't have desire. Good news is, she won't ever cheat on me for sex. Bad news is, I sometimes entertain the thought of having a fling (I am hit on often by many younger women and it makes me realize that I must still be desirable) so I can assure myself that I still "have it" as far as appeal. Fortunately, I am mature enough to realize that the cost for the benefit is not worth it so I just ignore the thoughts and flirts. If I ask my wife what she thinks of me, she says she thinks I am handsome. If I ask about her apparent lack of desire, she says cuddling is just fine and why can't that be enough. And she cites "hormones" or "pre-menopause" as a reason. Maybe your husband is like my wife, one of these people that just doesn't desire sex (not you, just the sex part) and is going through male menopause!

I am that guy that does not initiate sex with my wife. The main reason is because sex is boring. I like trying new things but she doesn't. She doesn't seem to like anything I do. I have expressed my feelings and nothing has changed so I have accepted boring sex and given up trying. <br />
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Now my wife gets hurt because we hardly have sex. I have told her why countless times but she is always on the defense about it. I cannot win. <br />
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I think the best to fix something like this is really talk about it. Not when you are about to have sex or after sex. Bring it up when you are both alone and have time to talk. Get to know what each others likes are in the bedroom and go from there. <br />
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That is what would change everything for me. She is so defensive I cannot seem to express my feelings and I do not get to find out what she likes. <br />
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Now I look the other way and take care of business myself.<br />
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Good Luck

I think you are wasting your time on this one & you know it & by the time I write this comment you prob have moved on.<br />
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*********** and self stimulation together or apart is not wrong or disrespectful to your partner within itself, AS LONG AS you have a healthy sex life together--which it sounds like you do not. So yea, when my husband wasn't doing me but able to get it up in the shower or for the cyber tramps--it hurt and told me that he was not into me so I found people that were...he's still not doing anyone but himself btw.

You know, you are exactly right amc27, I need to move on! And I am going to let him know that is how I feel! That is not my cup of tea. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me intimately and wants me to take care of him instead of ******* off. I don't think that is to much to ask for. Thanks!

Good for you!

I am a 49 year old male and I have been happily married for 23 years. I never initiated sex while we were dating nor have I ever in my marriage.....and it has nothing to do with her not being desirable to me and has nothing to do with me not wanting sex......I have known most of my adult life that i was somehow different but couldn't figure out why. It wasn't that i didn't want to initiate sex, I just emotionally, was unable to bring myself to do so. At the age of 46 we had a tragic situation take place and for whatever reason, I started having memories and flashbacks to my childhood. Here, i had spent the majority of my life with suppressed memory syndrome and it came to light that I was molested sometime between the ages of 6 and 8. There is a lot more to this story but be careful about making assumptions about him. There may be a very valid reason that he is unaware of as to why he is not capable of initiating.

It all makes since now! My finance was also molested by his neighbor! Makes me wonder if this is the reason he won't initiate sex!

We have wonderful sex, but I'm the one who always starts it!

I've told him how I feel, told him I need to feel wanted but he just don't get it!

I love him dearly and I'd never leave him over this! I know it's not me, I know he loves me, he just has a hard time with affection.

My wife has had numerous conversations with me about her need to feel needed and wanted by me.....it just makes me feel worse because I love her dearly and she absolutely is needed and desired by me but I simply can't bring myself to do it. It is like someone who is paralyzed desiring and dreaming of walking but try as they might, their body will not allow them too....go easy on him. He wants to give you what you desire but he emotionally is paralyzed and unable.

My spouse is 47, we've been together 24 years, and he hasn't ever initiated sex. Or, reciprocated oral sex without me having to ask, then it's just like he's not into it, even though there's no reason not to be. I take very good care of myself.

I've hinted over the years, then finally just asked, I tried withholding (I just ended up going 6 months, a year, without having sex! I selfsatisfied, but ************ isn't the same as being with you human you love), I bought sexy lingerie, and left the Victoria's Secret bag on our dresser, waiting for him to mention it...I dusted around it for 7 months, then finally put it away. I love him, and have always been adventurous and ready to do shaver pleases us both. I thought he might be bisexual, so Ileaky shaved my head bald and started working out to this Marine training regime, so I git super lean and muscular, more boyish. I brought up anal, and bough toys and things that I thought he might enjoy. Nada.
I got breast implants.
Nada.
I have, literally, no shame in my Sexuality, and will do nearly anything to please him, but have gotten to the point where I need for him to initiate it one time outta 10. And to touch me once in a while during the day.
He masturbates.
He just won't initiate sex with me.
Yesterday, we had a discussion about it, and he says he finds me crazy sexy, wants me all the time, (he does get hard if I even mention wanting to have sex), but he doesn't know WHY he cannot bring himself to initiate.
HOWEVER. .. two times in our 24 years he has raped me. Once, a year after we got together, 4 hours after I was home from surgery (from an std hpv cervical cancer, am std I got from him), I was sleeping in the bed and woke to him straddling my head, penis in my mouth. When Igit away from him and in disbelief cried,"what the hell are you doing? I just had major surgery!" He replied, "I thought you liked giving head. " I was stunned, sick, medicated, and unable to to much besides go back to sleep.
When I tried to discuss it, weeks later, he left for three days.

Then, a few years ago, I feel sick. I think it's a flu, but gradually decline and end up sitting on the sofa, barely able to move, for 7 days. All I could do was make it to the powder room, and into the kitchen for water, then back to sleep. To tired to even watch tv. On day 8, I decided to force some food down, and got enough energy to ask him to walk me upstairs so I could shower (i had sat in the same clothes, no brushing teeth hair, nothing, for 7 days) and then could he please take me to emergency room, I think I'm really close to dying.
I make it up stairs, I'm almost through rinsing shampoo from hair, and I have to get out of soar, I'm too weak to hold my arms up anymore.
I ask for help drying hair, it's winter. He helps. Then, I tell him I need help with clothes. He helps me put on a shirt and velour sweat pant bottoms. By theni have to lay down, he helps me. I'm crying, telling him maybe we need to call ambulance, he says no, I'll drive you.
Ok.
Next thingi know, he's getting into bed behind me, pulls down the back, only, of my sweats, and pages his dry penis into my poor dry vagina, ripping add he goes, I say so, he just finished really fast and pulls out.
I'm crying, he gets mad ay me, walks away, leaving me there.
I finally crawl down steps and get into my car and drive to my dr, who is a mile away.
I have CMv (a virus), AND mononucleosis. I'm severely dehydrated and given a shot right there.
We hadn't had sex in5 months, even though I'd told himo need to, but waited for him to initiate.
When I talk to him about the sexual assault, he is ashamed asks mortified, but cannot explain other than to say he felt"close enough to me to do something, and thought I did too." I remind him it was non consensual, it was violent and unpleasant, and I wad nearly dead. He denies that he did anything wrong. My vagina bled for days, I tell him, you clearly didn't want to pleasure me.
He leaves and goes to sleep overnight on our neighbors couch. A male who had recently hit on me, in our own home, with my husband feet away, passed out in his recliner,after a gathering where my spouse feel asleep with him still here. He claims not to understand why that was disturbing to me, either.

So, ...yesterday the talk was all this and more, with him finally crying and saying he just doesn't know what the **** is wrong with him. Is told him how much the rejection hurt me, how the lack of affection was killing my heart, and how starved i was for the intimacy of adult human sexual connecting in healthy reciprocated fun. We had sex, this being only the 2nd time this entire year, but only because i couldn't take it and initiated sex. After, he says he wants to tell me something important, he thinks it will help me not feel rejected or hurt by all of his ignoring and crap. Know what he says? He treks me, hey, the second you looked interested in me sexually i got hard immediately, and that's got to make you feel good, right? I was like, no, no it does not. I'm a pretty girl with healthy sex drive and, this relationship aside, healthy self esteem. I'm not surprised or flattered that you get hard, I think many men would! I'm a really kind, carrying, good person who takes care of her body and enjoys sex.

So. There's a thumbnail sketch. I share all of this with you because your response to another woman on this forum was nearly identical to my husband.
Can you give me any advice?
What what whhhhhat can I do? We're close to divorce, and that's not what I want no way no hope, but also cannot see growing old and being with a partner who gets colder than he is right now.

Oh, an interesting fyi, he's gregarious in public, flirty, drops inuendos, and is very social.

I'm grateful for any advice.
Thank you!

2 More Responses

I wouldn't ask yourself if the behavior is normal, as it clearly is to him personally, I would ask if you want to put up with it. Don't expect him to suddenly do a 360. If you dont like it, and it's not your cup of tea, move on girly.

i can not answer that for us it just sort of happened from playing with each other and kissing and touching and taking a bath with each other