Who Is This Man?

The man I married I dated and was engaged to for almost 2 years. We were like rabbits, 6 times a day, he loved oral sex, getting and receiving and I felt really connected to him. We got married and that is literally when it started....we had sex on our honeymoon one time and I had to practically force him....ok I thought....we are settling into marriage.......then it got worse. It was obvious he was staying up late to avoid me or going to bed really early for the same reason. I spoke to him about it but he would never go to the doctor or even try to see what was wrong.
We fell into a predictable pattern. We would go months without sex, I would complain and then he would initiate it that night, a 5 minute quickie with no foreplay and then, months would go by again. At one point, I told him I could find someone on the side and he told me to do what I had to!!!!!!
So...here I am, 13 years later. yesterday was my anniversary and I am miserable. Now, while I had 13 years of hope, now, I am to the point where I don't want him to touch me and the few times he tried in the last few weeks, I said no. I am no longer interested in the 5 minute quickie. I get nothing out of it, he could not care less if I enjoy myself. The thing that is so frustrating is that in every other way, he is a great husband. He makes a great salary, he helps around the house etc....
Do I really want to be alone at 47, trying to raise 2 boys aged 12 and 9 on my own? I make enough money to pay the bills on my own but why should I have to struggle? I am now down to trying to decide if I should register on one of those local websites that puts married people together for sex or not. I miss someone being close to me. I miss being held...I miss intimacy. Am I wrong? should I just accept my lot in life?
unabletocope unabletocope
46-50, F
8 Responses Jul 25, 2012

I appreciate your honesty and understand your dilemma on struggling through some economic hardship. But that may be the choice that you have to make. Whatever, you ultimately decide it's time to plan..best

I totally get it. I totally get why you don't want to leave, and I get why you DO want to leave. I don't have children, but I have five dogs. My husband and I have been in a sexless marriage since before we were married. Yep. 11 years of marriage and we've never had sex. We had sex early on our relationship, then after about year 2, it dwindled. I always thought it would get better, but it never did. We dated 4 years before marrying. I always thought that maybe once we were married things would change for the better. Ha ha ha ha ha! My husband couldn't be more disinterested in me or in sex in general. I've had affairs over the years. That fixes the loneliness for awhile, but then - ironically - it seems to magnify it. I always find myself craving intimacy from my husband more when I'm having an affair with someone else. I've thought about leaving, too, and have voiced it to my husband on many occasions. But to leave means selling our home, being alone, dating in Los Angeles (which is notoriously shallow and difficult) - I'm not sure I want to go through it. So most likely I'll simply stay in my relationship and have affairs until I'm just too old to want sex anymore myself. I'm 50 now and I'm still going strong. I hope your path takes you to a better place than mine has. I just wanted to let you know that - as is evidenced by this message board - you're far from alone.

You are not wrong I am in the same position as you.. I too have two boys 7 and 10 and dont know what to do.. My life is good I dont work, he makes a great salary and is a good Dad. He is not abusive to me but he is neglectful and when I speak of this topic he acts like he just doesn;t get it and tells me what I haven't done which is untrue and I defend myself with the facts and it just turns into a fight...I have approached this topic in counciling and with tears and with anger and it just stays the same..I do not initiate anything any longer as for fear of rejection or fear of feeling close only to be met up with not getting any reciprication from him..I use to ask him if he had a girlfriend or was gay...I have given up But the question is Can you get divorced from him? I struggle with that mostly cause of the changes it would bring about. I know my kids would be fine long term cause seeing their mom unhappy and seeing an unhealthy marriage is not good either. We need sex and love and desire and intimacy in our lives. So tell me more about what your thoughts are as I am struggling like you.

You and I are in the same situation. I have two children, ages 11 and 13. They love their father and he is so wonderful to them. I feel like I need to stay in this pathetic marriage until they go to college. I can't believe how sad and lonely I am, but he has no interest in making changes. I think his lack of effort is cruel when I have talked to him so many times about how horrible it makes me feel that we have no intimacy in our marriage. I can't imagine anyone in my life telling me that my behavior is hurting them and me not trying to work on it in some way. I think he is happy to have me as a mother to our children and a keeper of the house. Other than that, I am just a roommate. I could have never imagined that this would be my life......so sad!

Are you equipped to move on? What I mean is could you leave and make it on your own? If not, why? If so, why not?

I thought bout the gay thing but he has always had girlfriends and we had plenty of amazing sex before we said I do. I think his problem is psychological and has to do with him feeling like he is turning into his father. I did take him to the dr and they diagnosed him with low t. He gets shots once a week and he has physically improved in every way except the sex department...I did ask him once if he wag gay, he denies it

You already ARE alone raising 2 boys, at 47. The real question is: do you want to change that? If therapy is not an option then file for divorce and have him move out. Irreconcilable differences. Shared custody (he's a good dad). You get a life away from him, and even occasionally (depending on how custody works out) away from the kids to pursue the kind of relationship you deserve. If this marriage is not happy it is may damage your children and their ability to form positive romantic relationships. Fix yourself, find your happiness, and you will improve everyone's life - even his. He is, in all likelihood, gay. He may not even be aware of that, but the pattern of behaviour you describe points very strongly in that direction.

What drawnthatway said.

Work on your stuff... Then it'll be clearer to you... google imago therapy... Good luck

Ok. Whatever you r writing is being dotted out. If the answer is counseling, he won't go. If the answer is talking, we have done that. If it is toys , I have then but I miss bring held, desired.....