Sexless Marriage Past 16 Years.

I am a 38 year old woman living in a sexless marriage past 16 years. We have been together past 20 years since we both were in our teens. Now we have a very young child we conceived through IVF. We both come from cultures where divorce and remarriages are frowned upon. I am a stay home mother and my husband is a workaholic.
My husband has never been interested in intimacy from the beginning of our marriage and when the realisation struck I have gone into bouts of depression. My husband doesn't consider sex an issue at all and will never take help or meet with the counsellor. My husband is not very affectionate either physically- we rarely kiss, cuddle, spoon, or hold each other. We have sex once every few weeks , mostly always initiated by me. We have gone 10 months without sex too because I chose to not ask him and test and see how long I could stay without sex.
I love my husband and I know he loves me too but I just can't get him to be more demonstrative than what he is just now and it's been long. We get along well as friends and apart from the lack of sex, passion and intimacy and romance everything else is great.
Let me see how I have tried to deal with the situation past so many years:-
1) The talk- I have confronted him many many many times. Every time it's been a fiasco. I end up crying, he ends up diverting the issue and finding other lame areas that bother him in our marriage. We don't resolve the problem. I feel lousy for initiating the subject and emotionally drained every time. After a few days he comes to make love ( almost like to prove sex is no issue)

2) a medical check ( initiated by his Dr) shows he has very low testosterone levels. For which he refuses to get himself treated.

3) I have gone twice to meet with the counsellor. My husband doesn't think there is a problem and refuses to join me.

4) Divorce is not an option where we have a friendly relationship and our child is too young.

I have spent years praying, fasting, cribbing, complaining and found no solution.

Lately I feel the only way out is outsourcing my needs. A companion in the same situation too full fill the sexual needs with no strings attached. Since last year I found a masseuse who gives massages with happy endings. I have been to the salon to see him and he has helped me ********** and full fill me.
Recently I met with some one with whom I met a couple of one night stand situations too. He too wanted no attachments and that's for our best.

I don't feel guilty and I know when my child will be old enough and I can be ready to ask for a divorce we would be too old and in old age sex may be far less important than what it is in my 30's now.
Sunny38 Sunny38
36-40, F
4 Responses Dec 7, 2012

I like the way you put it, "outsourced" the solution. Well you tried! I wish you good luck.

Hi Sunny38. You are having sex every few weeks with your husband? That's sex about 17 times a year! At least there is a kindling fire and there's hope! Don't give up on the counseling, it may help you reconnect with yourself and help you figure out what you want to get out of this marriage. I'm going to start therapy for myself, because I know too well about the refusing partner. I sense that you know that part of the physical problem is the spiritual/emotional connection that needs some developing and encouraging in your relationship. You are getting happy endings during your massages and one night stands? A temporary, fleeting sensation of pleasure which may be eroding your marriage further, rather than reconnecting it? I'm not judging you, believe me, I've considered sex outside of my marriage myself, but only in my head. Please don't delude yourself into thinking that when you get older that your sexual desire will dwindle. I'm 54 (still with regular female monthly cycles) and the desire stays the same or actually gets even stronger with age as with my case. I am living in a sexless marriage (10 times in 24.5 years) and I wish I had the magic pill to make it better for me. Fight for you marriage,sounds like you both have a chance. Be well.

Hi, hope you are well and its not eazy solution for sure, but there can be away out...if you really want him. Sit down with him and tell him if he doesnt get help you might have to leave him..,,,

Many couples stay together "for the children"... but it's been shown that it is MUCH more damaging to children to have parents who do NOT love each other. The relationship[ model they grow up with is an UNHAPPY one, and it makes it MUCH harder for them to have their own happy relationship as adults. Don't stay together for the children, you are NOT doing them a favor!