Always An Excuse Why There Is No Showing Of Love Or Any Intimacy In This Sexless Marriage.

I have been married for 6 1/2 years they say "what goes around comes around" so maybe this is the Karma back at me?

I left a marriage of 23 years to be in this new relationship - last marriage ended with 23 years of mental mind games "everything was my fault could not take responsibility for his own actions and was a chronic liar had to be better than everyone else including my past prior to our marriage. He wanted everyone to think he married up in life. He was 17 years older.

The new husband (12 years older) gave me the courage to get out finally when I fell head over heels in love. Marriage and sex was great the 1st year and a half. Due to my work I travel and have to relocate every year or so sometimes overseas. We both being empty nesters he loved the idea of traveling to places he had never been or was not able to travel to raising kids. But during the 1st relocation he lost his job - he had worked all his life in a factory making very good money - He had his job for about 6 months. After he lost his job no fault of his own he decided to go on unemployment with all his bills my bills from previous marriages his and mine it was tough with out the good income we had when we both worked. But said he was no longer going to work OKAY he is an artist he will make money selling his work - NO this never happened he could not stay on a project long enough to finish.
When we started having problems, I kept asking why? he blamed it on our financial problems - but why did we have financial problems because he did not want to work.

So I take a relocation where he has a better opportunity at acquiring a good job. Refused to work so still marital and financial problems (could easily be remedied by him looking for a job).
I then relocate so I will be able to make enough to support both our bills on my own. So I go to a very hot climate - I asked him to stay behind due to our marital problems and the fact he hates weather above 80. 100 - 120 would make him miserable - No he wanted to come.  He never went outside unless it was winter in the 70-80's or in an air conditioned vehicle. So for 3 years he had the excuse "it was just too hot" - I offered many many times to send him home but he refused. During our 3 years I take him on 3 vacations to where the weather is nice and someplace he had never been. Thinking this will fix our problems. All 3 trips were sexless and he was angry on all 3 spent . I picked a special hotel where we stayed 1 night that would bring out the romance if there still was any. He did not even talk he looked out the window took pics then went to bed. I have never been so heart broken in all my life I tried to expose him to things he had only read about but he was a jerk.

We left that climate moved back home and still the same issues in our marriage. Back to it being financial - I will not make the money I did where we are at now but this is where he wanted is to be.  I can count on 1 hand the times we have had sex in the last 2 years - he moved into the spare bedroom 9 months ago - I even asked when he moved out of our bedroom if he was having problems of ED well he took me to the room and showed me that was not the problem . We are great room mates at times but this is not enough for me - I need the touching, the love, the attention, the respect that comes with a relationship. I quit asking along time ago what the problem is I know what his answer will be.

I have wanted to end this for the past 2 years. I am tired of hearing excuses. Oh by the way his previous marriages ended with the wives cheating and leaving him for men who gave them what they needed.

He is not lazy he takes good care of the yard and all the outside of the home he just does not seem to care about me or my feelings even though he tells me when I ask that he does love me but I have to ask and then he acts put off or I have to tell him 1st that I love him then if he is in a good mood he will tell me back.

I am just to my wits end in hoping this marriage will work. My male friend of mine for over 20 years keeps telling me my husband will not change to just get out and be the woman he knows I am and the right man will come along.

I know there are plenty of people on here with this problem. Since I have been married to this man he has taken from me all my self confidence - for being almost 50 I do not think I look bad.  My son tells me all the time "Mom you are still real hot my friends even make comments but they are careful in front of me". But for 6 1/2 years not hearing any compliments or has comments when I try to dress nice I have lost all of my self confidence...

Please help if you can give me some good support I really need it.  I plan on leaving just as soon a legal issue is finished and then I am going to try to get on with my life. But this feeling of  I cannot get anyone else has kept me in this marriage longer than I should have been.
raven63 raven63
46-50, F
3 Responses Dec 10, 2012

<p>I think a lot of us are in the marriage because we feel we cant get anybody else or anybody better etc. Really we need to work on ourselves and meet a lot of new people, I am sure we will realize that there are a lot of wonderful men out there, and we just need to improve our chances by meeting and connecting with them to find the one real genuine person who we can be happy with..</p>

I agree with you Uma. Right now I do not feel like I can get anyone else. This marriage has taken all of the self confidence and the power of security I felt in myself as a woman it has completely drained me.
For me I believe it will take me a long time to get back the passion and sexuality that I felt prior to all of our problems.

Thank You littleonejade for the hugs I so need them right now -

There is definitely more negative than positive the biggest issue I have is his being so selfish. I have never seen an adult act the way he does. Majority of the time he reminds me of a 3-4 year old. (he is 61).

Positive when he is doing what he wants to do we get along great and I can remember when we were happy and in love, but then my heart breaks when I go to bed alone at night. He does not cheat he is with me 24/7 which makes things even worse I could deal with him if I were still working but I am not, it is winter so he is not outside so we are together 24/7 inside the house. Best investment was the TV in the bedroom. I definitely sleep a lot just to stay away from being room mates..

Well here is a kicker - I asked him since we are room mates and not lovers how about an open marriage???... OHHHH then he wanted to take me to the bedroom. Why should I go it is the same thing - dull and boring every time, he is only doing it so I will not cheat on him so I declined until I can be satisfied.

I am hoping that he will back out of this relationship if not than I definitely am telling him to leave and go back to his family. This is a New Years Resolution..

I just hope that one day my prince (King) will come that will want to shower me with love and respect but at the same time give me my space when I need it. And he better have a job or has income I am not supporting another man!!. I would treasure this type of a man that can actually show how he feels.

Again Thank You

hhhmmmm HUGS
Do you love him?
List the positive parts of him and the negatives
if your ONLY staying because you think you can't get anyone else KICK his butt to the curb girlfriend. Life is too short to live with a jerk. the fact he took you to the other room and showed u it wasn't an issue, for me would have had it broken LOL and then out the door. Your not alone!!