Rejection! It's Like A Knife.

Earlier this week, as in Sunday, I decided to try something new. I thought I would just tell him I wanted sex this week. And, that I wanted it more than once. Maybe "warning/preparing" him would get him used to the idea. Sounds sad and pathetic I know.

Well, he has been "tired" or worked late every night. Last night he was home early enough so I thought I would try something. Again, I know that it should never be only one person initiating sex in a marriage, but dammit, I am STARVING! Well, last night was the meteor shower and so after the kid-let went to bed, we went outside and watch for shooting stars. Given the amount of time I have spent outside in my life, and that fact that I am on the wrong side of 40, you would think I had seen one, but I hadn't. It was on my bucket list and so I was determined to see one. I was also thinking that it might be a little romantic and get the "party" started.
Well, I am happy to report that I have checked off another item on my list. In all, I saw 3 different shooting stars. It was awesome! To congratulate me on seeing my first shooting stars, my husband gave me.....wait for it.....a high five. Yup, you read that right. I was frustrated, upset, mad and all the other emotions I've been feeling for so long. But, I kept it inside. We went inside and while I was washing dishes, we started talking.

It was a pleasant conversation about our day, etc. But before long, he did his usual which was to interrupt me while I'm talking. It sounds petty, but I honestly can't remember the last time we had a conversation that he didn't end up completely talking over me. He's so concerned about what he's thinking and what he thinks I'm going to say, that he starts filling in the blanks. Sometimes its trivial things. At those times, I pause, wait for him to stop and then keep saying what I was trying to. But when we have an argument, he assumes and fills up space with words that are not mine. Even when I tell him that's not what I was saying, he seems to resent me for what he THOUGHT I was going to say.

So along with our sexual issues communication is not great between us. Once again I got frustrated that he was talking over me while words were literally coming out of my mouth that I got mad I let him know I was not happy. It's not that I can't stand opposition, its that I LITERALLY will be just about to explain something and he will ask a question that if he had just shut the %$#& up, would have heard the answer. I end up HIGHLY frustrated and IF we keep talking, it makes the conversation twice as long and utterly laborious. I was just so mad that I blurted out that nothing has changed. He knew what I meant which only made him walk away like a coward.

Thing is, I want to love him enough that I tried one last thing. After he had been in bed for about an hour, I climbed in smelling sweet and snuggled up to him. I started kissing his back and removing the little clothing he wears to bed. He first tried to ignore me and grunted and rolled away. Then after it was obvious I was not deterred, he rolled over and said, "Honey, I thought you had a sore throat?" I kept going, but he kept talking and rolling away from my hands. (Sounds like a big bed huh?) I finally got the message, stopped touching and kissing, rolled over and didn't answer him. I laid there wanting to cry but was too mad for tears. I got up after about 10 minutes and put pajamas on. Later, I went to the guest room, and slept there. I think the guest room will not be the guest room anymore. I hate that it will be my room, but why should I lay in a bed with no promise of love? At least if I'm alone, not being touched or loved won't be a surprise.

Last night, my only thought was that he was a selfish bastard that had taken my love, my devotion, my praise, and my acceptance for years, and not given that back to me me in return. He has taken my chance at a real family away from me and I am truly lucky/amazed we even have one child.  He has taken the experience of possibly a daughter or another son away from me/us.  And taken the possibility of siblings and the closeness of those connections from our child. He has laid the burden of us in our old age solely at the feet of one person. I get that some people have none or one child for many reasons, but we both grew up with many kids in the home and know how special that is.

I think I'm getting to the point of no return, and that even if he chose to work things out, I don't know if I can forgive him.
Rousana Rousana
41-45, F
Dec 14, 2012