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My Husband Has No Sex Drive!

Our marriage is not completely sexless, but it bothers me to not be wanted. While my husband occasionally consents to sex, he has told me that he has no desire for it. He never masturbates, and never looks at ****, and if I change in the same room as him, he doesn't even turn his head! There is no sexual desire present, as far as I can see. It's like I'm invisible. It's like he has no sexual needs. You might ask why it's a problem that he has no desire if he consents to sex anyways, but there's no spark, no connection, and that takes away the enjoyment for me. I want him to want me if that makes sense. I don't understand how any guy can have absolutely no sexual desire, especially at such a young age! (I'm 19, he's 20.) He mostly just plays video games. He doesn't have ED or anything, in fact, he's quite proficient in bed when he actually consents to it. But he never initiates anything, never asks me to have sex. And why is that a problem, you might ask. Because I want the feeling of being wanted. I want him to initiate hugs, and kisses, for him to look at me and be aroused. I'm not unattractive, I'm 5'8", 150 pounds, long legs, and 34 DD chest. I think I'm actually kind of pretty. Not model-worthy, granted, but I'm not ugly. Am I crazy to think that a 20 year old male who doesn't have any sexual desire at all is not normal? He won't go to the doctor, or a sex therapist. I don't know what to do! I love him so much, and I want sex to be something beautiful and passionate shared between a husband and wife, but all he thinks is that sex is gross. I have no clue what to do next... Someone please help me! What can i do to get some intimacy in our relationship? I love him so much, and I want to be wanted by him. I like sex, and it's torture when I only get it maybe once every two months. I need to know a few things. Is there anyone else out there with the same problem? Not with their husband having a LOW sex drive, but NO sex drive. Especially at such a young age! What can I do? He says he's never had an interest in sex. I know for a fact that he's not gay, that he has no std's, and that he NEVER masturbates. He thinks ************ is wrong, and he also NEVER looks at ****. I'm sick of the lack of intimacy. There's also very little affection, he never initiates comforting words, hugs, kisses, any of that. He doesn't like to be touched at all. Help me please!

sing4him2479 sing4him2479 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 7, 2008

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I haven't seen many responses about causes that are not from outside activities. Acute or chronic epididimitis (not sure how to spell that) can cause the same thing. There are antibiotics for it. I like the idea of sitting him down and telling him or writing all the reason you love him. Perhaps after a night like that you could ask if he would at least call and consult a dr he has seen in the past. Sometimes they are more willing to talk to a man they know.

In my experience, men are starting to become aware of the self-made prison of marriage and a long term committed relationship. You ladies have to be frank with yourselves. Those of you who want to give up your careers to get married all know that the more you "put out", the more the man will find you desirable. Your mothers told you this and so did their mothers. Marriage provides you the social safety net and social contract that will keep you financially secure, even in the event of divorce or death. Several of my peers wished they'd really paid attention to this years ago. They (like me) are stuck in sexless marriages because everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) is about the kids and the upkeep of the house. Once the spontaneous flame goes out and the man's needs are not given due attention, the decline begins. It's a sad and long slow death usually resulting in divorce, emotional abandonment, and estrangement.

You partner have HSDD ...Hypoactive sexual desire disorder for it can affect. Both men and women, I hope that it will help

Im in a similar situation, my husband had an emotional affair with a coworker of 20. it may have turned sexual, Im not 100% sure, but when I tried to put an end to it, he said he wanted to be single and date others & left me. she then cut contact with him, and he lived alone for 6months. so I dont know exactly what he got upto, he then started to contact me, wanted to catch up, go on dates etc, he moved back home app. 8months ago now. I have forgiven him, I said I dont want to focus on the past just the future, and move on and be happy. trouble is, he doesnt want sex much now, I have always been more into sex that him in our 14yr relationship& marriage, and up until the EM he was at least complimentory, he would caress me and admire me and was more sexual that he is now. & we had fun together . am Italian, 44, 5'2" AU size 10 or 2 US, I look after myself, I dont consider myself a model, but I dont think im unattractive. He says he loves me kisses and hugs, but the compliments ,caressing and sex is not there. I really want to understand what is going on in his head now.

Let's see, where do i even begin. Well I am 25 years old. My husband is about to turn 28. We have been together over 6 years and married for 4 of those. When we began dating we had sex all the time. We went out and saw movies, went to dinner, just walked around in the mall etc. a little over a year in, he started showing less attention to me sexually. He's not a gamer, but was always looking at **** behind my back and saying he wasn't ************ when i confronted him about it. We started being more intimate and communicating more. Thought everything was good, we got married, then it began again, he started having cyber sex and sexting with girls. I didn't know until i saw the increase in text messages. All the time he had seriously decreased his sex drive at home. i really thought he was having sexual intercouse affairs with other women but he swore up and down that he wasn't and that he wasn't even looking for someone else. I tried lingerie, toys, lots of things, then we started having sex agian probably about 3 times a month. Recently i just found more text usage on his phone when i asked him who it was, he lied, he said it was a mutual friend. it was not the number wasn't right. so then he confessed that it was a girl he met thorugh one of his friends at work. That they were sending private pictures to eachother and had even planned a hook up day, but that that day came and went without acting on it. I don't know what to do. I love sex, I love him, I just wonder why things changed so dramatically. I tell him how sexy he is and that if we are out i tell him he looks really good. I try to stroke his ego. I love oral and he loves receiving it. but it's like he forgets about sex. Lately it has been over a month in between times when he finally gives into me and we have a quickie. He is great when we make love and i am sure to tell him that. i have tried so many times to talk with him and ask him if there are things he wants that i could do differently. He says no i'm great, and he wants me and loves me. but then why? why does he do this especially when he knows he gets caught everytime and how bad it hurts me. then he feels bad for hurting me. but he keeps doing it . Over and over. As far as i know he hasn't had a sexual intercourse affair, but he always puts me last. It's like i don't matter to him anymore. Just a bed warmer and someone to come home to. How can he not want me when I want him so badly? We do have some financial issues that prevent us from going out as much as we used to but we try to make time for dates when we can. We try to go see movies and get my dad to watch the kiddo. I am always ready for sex with him, he just seems to forget that i have needs and that aparantly he has none.

Write him a letter that tells him why you love him... giving reasons and examples... really let all your deepest feelings of love out in this letter... <br />
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Then one night.. when you have some privacy... sit him in a chair... give him the letter.. and tell him to read it and you will be back in a short while... before you go.. tell him you love him.. and to trust you.. and that you'd never do anything to hurt or disrespect him in any way... <br />
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Come back to him dressed up in an outfit that you know he likes for whatever reason... then give him a slow kiss and massage telling him "to relax" and that you are not going to have sex tonight.. you just want to be intimate with the man you love.... tell him just to open himself up to 'the love you are showing him".. ask him if there was anything he'd like you to do... even if just to hold you and talk for a while... <br />
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Just touch him and caress him.. all the while asking him if he liked the letter.... reassuring him that you love him and want him to be wholeheartedly happy with you... <br />
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Tell him what about him turns you on... his face.. his smile.. his eyes... damn.. his butt or nipples... just carress each part of him you speak about.. paying particular attention to not touch his penis... take his hand and put it on your heart.. and tell him "this is yours... always and forever" ... then afterward.. just hold him and kiss him on the lips.. making direct eye contact.... then take his hand again.. and put it on your *****.. and tell him "this is yours... always and forever too.. and has been wanting some of your love"... but becuase I love you.. I can wait.. because I love you and want us to work... <br />
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If you still feel like its getting no better... then perhaps you'll have to admit that you just aren't compatible.. and you'll have to love him.. but let him go.. so you can both find a suitable partner to be happy with.. together and as individuals..<br />
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Mia x<br />
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p.s. I always get horny when my partner tells me we aren't having sex.. but is happy just to caress me.. its normally me that will jump on him when that scenario happens.. *still attracted to him like I was the first time I saw him.. but not as attracted to him as I will be tomorrow.. *

wow. all i can say...is wow. im 21 and he is 26....same thing. somewhere btwn moving in together and having 2 kids...all intimacy disappeared. funny...i am 5'4...140...32DD...i dont think thats too bad. but hey, when you live with someone who cant get their head out of their job long enough to want to satisfy their wife...it sucks. I am balwing tears here and can relate to everything said.Silivekitten in particular...i understand what you mean. I am a full time student too. I blame his job (even though its just something that makes me feel a little better) for the problems...while he blames the kids. You can imagine how I feel. Crying...pleading...trying to get some kind of help but he wont go to the dr...wont try viagra...doesnt really care to do anything about it. Sure he watches ****...but even when its with me...the chances of sex are low. The messed up thing is i love him. With all my heart. But as a 21 year old woman i have needs...i would love just to be with another woman for intimacys sake...but hes not ok with that and Im not the type to cheat. I just dont have the desire to...*sigh* I dont even know why I write about it anymore. I guess its my only way of letting some of the hurt and disappointment out....

wow I go through the same thing I was in prison for five years before that we had a good sex history after I got out 7 months ago we have had sex twice what do i do

make it simple, show him the door. All the rest are complications.

Well, I'm not alone. I'm not young, and we had a very good sex life until his heart problems in 1999. We have had sex 2 times in 3 years, unless he ***********. I have heard that some guys would rather do that. I don't think it's that way with my husband. The meds he takes for his heart and blood pressure really take the sex drive out of him. We used to have sex everyday. When we were first together we'd have sex more than once a day. I worry about him. I love him and will stay with him.

Im baffled how no one has mentioned asexuality yet. In simple terms an asexual is an individual with no desire for sex. At all. It's not a medical condition or a result of upbringing anymore than hetero or homosexuality is. Now, he may in fact have a medical condition, I don't know him personally, however, your description seems to fit that orientation. A way to look at it is like this; Imagine he wants you two to watch grass grow. Just sit in a lawn and stare at grass. He loves staring at grass, and he really wants you to want to stare at grass to. And find it as fascinating as he does. Even if you join in with him, however, you just can't , for the life of you, understand why anyone would want to stare a green dirt blades. It makes no sense. That, in a nutshell, is what sexuality is to an asexual. Now, not having an interest in sex does ot mean no interest in intimacy of an emotional or psychological sort. It does mean that, no matter how hard he tries, he won't ever be able to be as into sex as you are, or at all. I would recommend the AVEN website (asexuality.org) if this seems to be close to what your husband is like. They do have a FAQ and forum that might provide useful information for you.

Is it possible he has a medical condition? Sounds like he has a very low level of testosterone. Every guy masturbates. If you dont; theres something wrong.

sing4him2479<br />
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i have a similar problem, only thing is my husbands problem is medical, I am 32 we have been married a few yrs, and we had a very very active sex life, problem developed a couple of years back and now he can not obtain an erection, it has really hurt him not being able to continue as we were.<br />
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I now have relationships outside our marriage, the stress of off him now, we are both a lot happier, even affection it as he is not expect to deliver later on<br />
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Good luck

Gee at this age he should be banding you like a dunny door, at least 2or 3 times a night. I can guess by your letter that you what to be taken and ravaged, you want to try different positions and pounded in as many holes as you can get it. You might even like to be tied up and teased and tickled.<br />
Have you tried to dress up in some sexy out fits or just walk around house naked to get a response out of your husband.<br />
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Your husband, is he interested in males maybe?<br />
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I think you need to communicate your needs and wants to your husband, other wise I can see you looking else where to be pleased and pleasured!<br />
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Yarhoo!

perhaps there is somthing that is hidden within him, I have no idea how any young personhas no desires, it may have somthing to do with his pat, why not ask him if there was somthing that may have happened that turned him away from sex

Gee i would love to bang you three times a night and open you legs and lick your *****!<br />
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Yarhoo!

I really believe that every person have their own level of sex interest... and it is hell when two people that are suppose to be each others sex partners have different sex drive... a sex drive mismatch if you will.... (and they won't). <br />
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We ought not drag ourselves over the rocks about this... we ought to just recognize it for what it is and make accommodation for our own happiness.. (since they obviously aren't suffer in there asexual way, but we certainly are.) <br />
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Just my opinion of courtesy.

Going off of my own personal experience and those of close friends in similar situations, the lack of wanting sex can really be driven by loss of interest, respect in the other person. It's surprising to talk to women who think most men with have sex with any woman given the opportunity, and I am sure there are a lot of those, but for me, if sex it's combined with a true love and passion for the person you're doing it with, if you don't feel the same kind of love back, well, it's just not worth having sex with that person. Doing so, long long ago, I just felt for lack of a better word, "icky" afterwards.<br />
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I think that if your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you that far more often than not it has nothing to do with sex itself, but the act of being that close to someone that you no longer want to be that close to.<br />
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As much as I'd rather not have to resort to self-satsfying myself, that's what it came to in my relationship.<br />
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I didn't beat around the bush when asked for sex, I said NO and explained why. I told her to learn to please herself, all difficult things because I don't hate her, but I also no longer have any respect for her or feel close to her in any way. Her idea of sex when we had it was laying there like a log, uncomfortable to try anything different, and always made me feel like I was simply there when she needed it, always made me feel horrible.<br />
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And years after that, with no resolution in sight, I made the decision to look elsewhere, to find someone that I really connected with on all levels, and I realized for the first time what making love was really all about. That when you care so incredibly deeply for someone, the enjoyment, passion is multiplied so many times over, where you want to make the other person feel so good without regard for your own satisfaction, but getting it through making the other one so happy, feel so loved, well, I find that incredible and wish those kind of feelings on everyone.<br />
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I think sex is gross when you're doing it with someone that you don't really love. Yes, it might feel physically good, but mentally, emotionally, it's void of any meaning.

It is really unbelievable that there are women who feel like this. My wife says that when you hit your 50's, sex is over. I still think that sex is an important part of being healthy. We ALL need it to function properly. It's like eating or sleeping. WE ALL NEED TO FEEL DESIRED!!!

I know, I'm talky today, but I just realized that you married this guy already. So you are in it for the long haul. This is something I tried and it worked (but no psych issues, etc for your partner -he really just plays video games, etc)<br />
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I bought a toy and brought it to bed with me. I started to take care of myself while taking care of him and suddenly he saw what I was doing - free show! He was mesmerized and then, of course, wanted to be the one controlling the toy. This has really helped. <br />
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It also helped because I relaxed, and took charge of my own ******* again. <br />
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If he's still not interested, you do have to ask yourself if you married a husband/life partner or gained a brother.

First, before anything else, know this: His sex drive has nothing to do with you. Nothing. Him getting it up or not has nothing to do with you. (Think hormones specifically - a woman going through menopause doesn't find her partner undesirable, she just doesn't crave sex.) You need only focus on why you feel the way you do. For a lot of women, me included, it's a way to connect on an intimate level with our partner. It's a way of bonding. <br />
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The problem is, you want to bond with him. He wants to bond with his computer games. He's still forming as well - he's figuring himself out and he's figuring out how to bond with you in his own slow way. This is where you both are in life now. <br />
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My guess, though, is simply that he has a low sex drive at this point in time. We tend to think that guys can just get it up - especially at that age. It's not entirely true (my sister and her friends, all 21, have the same issue as you. My sister just broke up with her boyfriend and has been having a lot of fun meeting new people). Probably because only a few years ago he wanted to do it all the time- it was great just to be having it because it was so new! Now there's a lull period because the novelty has worn off. He may always be that way. But it'll probably go up and down.<br />
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But there are a few other things going on here. 1-You're learning how to make a relationship work. You, at 20, are sticking through a tough time with a guy, trying to make things work and your major complaint is lack of sex. 2-You're learning about yourself - 20's is a time of exploration and growth. This includes sexual growth, which means: how do I protect myself, how do I treat myself sexually, how do I want others to treat me sexually, what do I like sexually? What does sex mean to me?<br />
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1: You are going through a "low" in your relationship right now, in the area of shared sexuality. You are a very strong young woman, I'd say, to be so young and dealing with this issue, standing by your man. Ask yourself this - on your end, you are working through this problem. Is he? Does he even know this is a problem for you? This is a good time to open communication lines. Don't blame him, but let him know that his actions (or lack of) make you feel undesirable. (But also remember, nobody can make you feel something you don't already feel - so his lack of actions are technically playing on your insecurities (as small and/or hidden as they may be - it's a very vulnerable spot to want someone who is not responding.) <br />
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In terms of relationship: Is he open to this line of communication. Is he understanding? Are the video games something he would rather do than have sex with you OR are the video games an escape - as in maybe he does have sexual issues and uses playing games as an excuse to not come to bed. (If he drinks a lot, or does certain types of drugs, it could be true - or could be emotional/past issues.) Either way - open up the communication. What you're trying to figure out here is if you and he can communicate in your relationship in a healthy way - not just about sex. Is he receptive to you? If not - that's also something to think about. For the next 60 years, this is probably going to be how he is with communication. Is it doable for you? No sex. No communication...<br />
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Good luck.<br />
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p.s. I was in a similar situation once. Turns out my boyfriend had a lot of fantasies in his head he was too embarrassed to share so he preferred his alone time (how do you know your boyfriend doesn't **********? ;) Once he was able to share some fantasies, I did too and it helped. What computer games does your BF play? Maybe you can dress up as one of the heroines... pretend to fight him in his avatar's fight style...<br />
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Good luck!

I can tell you from experience that your situation will not improve. One day, whether that be 5 years from now or 25 years from now, you will meet a man who appreciates you for being the woman you are, and you will be with him and your married life will collapse. I stayed in a similar relationship for 15 years and after straying several times I feel head over heels in love with a beautiful woman. I hurt a lot of people (including my daughters) and in retrospect I should have walked away from the marriage long ago. Do yourself and your husband a favor: tell him he has no business being your husband if he has no interest in you. I feel for you and I hope the next 15 years of your life are not as miserable as my first 15 years of marriage.

I am so sad for all of us, it seems there are lots of us in the same boat. Singemily is in the same situation as me, although I have not had an affair, I have been married for 23 years, so I will tell you it gets no better. I am beginning to think my husband may even be gay, although he assures me he is not. He turns his back on me every night, there are no loving kisses or cuddles, but if I say anything he tells me he loved me so much. Get out now sweetie x x

I am actually reading this and crying my eyes out. My husband is 30, I am 23 and we've only been married for 1 year. It's been really hard since I love having sex and he just hates it. to him sex is gross and dirty. He is a great guy and he tries to make me happy. I am just tired of him and me pretending that everything is ok. I used to get the big O, but lately I don't because I know that he is only doing it to make me feel better. I even started not to like sex anymore. He tells me that I am not adventuros and fun enough, but EVERY time I try to do something new, to get some nice loungerie he is not in the mood and he even told me tonight that he gets annoyed when i try to play.<br />
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I don't know what to do. I am not fat, I'm 5.4 and 115lbs, and I even think I am kinda a pretty. I try my best look good for him and he never notices. I am not stupid, I'm going to school full time and work 30hrs a week and still get A's in all my courses.<br />
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I really love him and I just wish I were noticed every once in a while. I feel like a failure and can't even explain it to anyone I know. I am here from a dfferent country. I left everything I had in Romania and came here to be with him. My family doesn't even know him. Besides him I have NO ONE here.

The day I got married I knew it was worthless. He had moved in a month earlier and stayed up all night playing video games and watching cartoons. We had a baby 6 mo. later. He neglected me as a woman for a year having sex for him a few times. I tried to break up with him 3 times, went to therapy I tell him I am lonely and don't want to sleep along every night. No change. A therapist told me that video games affect the same part of the brain as ******, so he doesn't need it.<br />
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If your husband cared about you as a wife he would get viagra. Make yourself strong, get out when you feel ready. Use it or lose it. Vibrators and **** just make me more sad and lonely.<br />
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Misery loves company but our misery SUCKS.

Wow, as much as I hate that other people are having to go through this, I am so relieved to know I'm not the only woman in this boat!<br />
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I've been with my husband for four years and spent most of that time banging me head against the wall trying to figure out why he shows ZERO interest in sex. Like you, I've tried everything and he barely even gives me a sideways glance. When we are intimate, it's over quickly and I'm left lying there wondering why I even bothered. <br />
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We talked about it frequently, or rather, I talked about it frequently and finally, once our marriage was completely in shambles, he admitted that sex was simply too much work. WTF??? This concept seems so foreign to me. A guy too lazy for sex??? How does this happen? We've had great sex once in the four years we've been together, a night when he was angry and jealous. Otherwise it's 3-7 minutes once a month and then he's grinning like he just accomplished something great. <br />
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I try not to say much about it, because I know men's sex drives are tied to their egos and I don't want to make it worse, but I can't keep living this way!

My suggestion: GET OUT NOW! Don't bother with counseling or anything else. If a young man that age isn't interested, it is *highly* doubtful he ever will be. You're too young to even worry about his hang-ups, IMHO. Please, don't be us. Leave. Now. Run, don't walk.

I am going through the same thing but am 15 years into the marriage. Don't be so sure you know everything about him. I learned that my husband loves to ********** and loves **** he was just really, really good at hiding it. I hurt everyday that he shows me no interest and would rather get off in secret. You think that you know everything about him but I had no idea for the first 4 years of our life together. It is a secret addiction that he would try to hide from you at all costs. sorry to say but it is a real possibility and much more common than some of the othe suggestions.

Similar situation ... husband is asexual (yes it happens and was a surprise to me, too). Though my husband has never "said" he is dissinterested or dislikes sex, we don't ever have it. <br />
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My 2 cents - it won't get better. He is who he is and if sex isn't important to him it won't change and if it is important to you it, it will be very difficult. THe references to disliking sex are worrisome. Even without that, the difference in sex drive will just deepen your divide overtime. I'd like to provide hope but can't do so in good conscience. <br />
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That said, good luck, there are always exceptions and you need to be true to yourself.

My husband always had low sex drive...even at 21! He loved the video games and alcohol. Although I got both alcohol and video games reduced it hasn't helped the sex drive!