Frustrated Newlywed

I never thought in a million years that I would be in the position that I am in. If someone would have told me I wouldn't have believe them. But here I am, I am a newlywed. I have been married for 4 mos. and 7 days and I have a horrible sex life. My husband seems to have ED and claims that it just started in 2012 with me and he has never had this problem before. Sadly to say is I DON'T BELIEVE HIM. I don't believe my husband because it's so severe. I don't believe my husband because it took for me to make him an appointment to find out what it wrong. I don't believe my husband because his nonchalant actions shows otherwise. For example, if I was a man and my stuff has been working and I have never had any problems the minute it stops working I'M CALLING IN THE ARMED FORCES, because we have a problem that needs to get fixed ASAP. He doesn't even get erections when laying in the bed with me and im naked. Which I don't understand because strangers screw all the time without emotional attachment let alone affection needing to take place. I have been telling him to go see a Primary care physician for over 6 mos and he just now made an appointment. I guess what I am trying to express is that with his slowness of trying to get things fixed it seems as though he has been dealing with this issue and it's no biggie to him. Over the course of us dating I expressed deeply that sex is a major deal to me. Now we chose to do things the right way and not engage in pre-marital sex of course I tested it out to make sure the package was good and it was. But I did find it strange how he was okay with the fact of not engaging in sex, some men after testing it out is like oh well we have already done the deed LOL. It's almost as if he was hiding behind the whole idea of doing things the right way. So here we are 4 mos and 7 days in and I am contemplating leaving! I don't think that I can live like this. Our sex life is based on how he's feeling and when and if he can perform. I was celibate for almost 2 years, met him and now that I have said I do I feel like I am being punished. I was getting more **** (excuse the language) when I was single. I feel like my conjugal rights have been ******** of me. But don't be confused because I know it's not me my Stuff works and is alive. I'm so horny I think my Va G G has a heartbeat. We are newlyweds we should be going at it like jackrabbits but im lucky if I get some once in a week. I think what really ****** me off is while doing some reading and research there are a lot of stereotypical articles out there that paint a picture as if "US WIVES" don't like sex?? That is such a LIE! I love sex, Sex is a beautiful thing between a married man and woman. But when you don't have that connection your relationship is being set up for failure because growth as a couple can not take place. The bond can't grow, and becoming "One Flesh" isn't taking place either. I figure writing about it will be a good outlet because I am sexually frustrated in so many ways and I am thinking things a married woman should not be thinking. Is there anyone else going through this? I am opened to your thoughts!

InquiringMinds247 InquiringMinds247
26-30, F
9 Responses Jan 17, 2013

OK, when i read your story, it sounded like my marriage. I was in a dark place. With a man who didn't truly love me. He just wanted his permanent residency. I was used. We were married 11 months. Yep, a very short time. On our wedding night, i knew I had made a mistake after he swore and yelled at me. Anyway, we only had a sex a couple of times after we got married. I went 9 months without it all together. He wouldn't even kiss me! He wouldn't look at me. I was so depressed and lonely. It was the worst time in my life. He would never get help. I would try really hard to get him help but it just wasn't his priority. He just wanted to get pissed with his friends. After I tried absolutely everything, HE ended it this year in January. His exact words were "I can't do this anymore, it's too hard. I want to go back overseas". That was after i found him on a dating site.
Now, I feel so blessed that he gave me a way out. I am free. I kicked him out. And although my family have disowned me, I have never been so happy. I started dating someone new. We are completely head over heals for each other. We are very sexually compatible. There is so much passion and intimacy. When I was in your position, I never thought I would be happy again. And now I am. The darkness is gone and I am with a guy who puts in the same effort that I do. You deserve this. I hope my story helps you find the courage to be more assertive and to seek what you want. If he's not doing much to get help, he doesn't want it. And you cant force anyone to change. I tried with my ex husband. And it didn't work even after all the times i prayed. I even tried to get help because I thought that maybe I should change to adapt to his selfishness. Be assertive, life is too short. Fight for your happiness! Not a marriage where your partner is not fighting for you. You get nowhere.
Good luck

I can totally relate, how are things between you after a few months have passed? Hubby and I got married in April this year and already thoughts of leaving cross my mind all the time. I think I have been kidding myself for the last 2-3 years thinking things will improve.. But they don't. It's always the same answer 'I promise ill work on it' but that is as far as it goes. It's easy for people to say just leave, but how can I when we have such an amazing marriag (apart from the sex). I guess I don't expect advice as every situation is different but god it feels good to let it out! Let me know how things are now?

Are you sure your husband is straight?

I am in the same boat...I lived with my husband for 3 years before we got married and even before we married, his needs were way less than mine. If he wanted sex once ever 30 days, that was a lot. I on the other hand would have been happy several times a day. He was 7 years older than me so I respected him and looked up to him and when he told me that there was more to a relationship than sex, which I agree, I quit approaching him. Then I started keeping tract. It was ever 30 days and he had to be drunk to want sex. This is really great on the self esteem. Now, we've been married 26 years, together almost 30, and he won't even hold my physical contact at all. He left the marriage bed 15 years ago. I have know idea what he wants, if he is being satisfied some place else or if he just has no point doesn't get better...only worse. I beg you to get out now, while you are young. I wish I had. Look at your circle of influence...look to the relationships you admire and feel are good marriages. Do the look like yours? You are not crazy or are human with basic human needs...called LOVE

I'm in the same boat but married 5 years with child. I would run..and don't get yourself pregnant with his kid.. that's my 2 cents. I'm also looking for advice for my situation.....

I hate to say I'm I the same position, except I have no qualms about looking for what I NEED. Sadly, my husband has broken me to the point, of "I don't give a ****" but we've been married for 14 years. I'm very sorry to read about your sexual frustrations so early in your marriage. I wish you the best and hope things work out for your marriage ~ Willow

Good morning, Not only he has some physical dysfunction, he doesn't seem to care about your sexual frustration, when sex is in fact a central duty in a marriage (it is pleasure but a it is a duty too), that is what would worry me the most, you just wonder if he loves you in that case. Therefore I support the point of views of LadyTK and 1sadwife, you ties are still short, it is honorable from you to give him a chance, but how much can he help it ? You shall see. Good luck.

Good Afternoon......I can relate although sadly I am not a newly wed. This has been an ongoing issue in my marriage for over 6 years. Funny enough our sex life was great before we got married and then it seemed gradual that he would come on to me less and then not at all and then finally would simply pretend to be sleeping when I would come on to him. It's devestating and the more of these stories I read the more I realize that this is an issue alot of women suffer with in silence. We suffer from feeling so embarassed that our husbands have no sexual interest in us which then leaves our self esteem vulnerable and our happiness ripped away from us. Because sex is sucha physical at for men I can only imagine that they don't truely understand how severely this affects our whole character and zest for life. I have been trying to "fix this" as well and it seems I fall into a category of a "really nice refuser" my husband is all around a really great guy but just seems completely shut off to desire at all. I am not comfortable initiating anything or coming to bed naked because I have been so scared by the rejection I feel I can't even muster up the courage to try only to be dissappointed again i'm sure. I struggle with staying or leaving but we have a very young son and I have my feelings crossed. I am struggling with feeling like I am failing my son if I choose to leave this relationship.
It sounds like your situation does not involve children yet.....if not then follow your heart and remember my story. After years of me making appts for him and trying to tell him how important it is to me and crying on a regular basis from such a sense of loneliness and feeling so dirty or un ladylike for even wanting sex at all..........It doesn't often change ! cut your ties while they're short because it beomes much more heartwrenching once children are involved.

Thank you for your response...I think that you will not be failing your son if you choose to leave. I'm sure your sexual frustrated and irritated and your son has seen those sides of you I think that choosing happiness will better your son because you are happy. No we dont have any kids together, but I didn't sign up to be his life coach, his mother, or his sister I signed up to be his WIFE!! but Wifey Has needs and I'm really thinking about putting on my running shoes and going. I hope things work out with you!

If he is not willing to address the issue now, things will not improve. As the years go by in your marriage, there will be additional stress and pressure from outside sources (work, children, financial responsibilites). I feel strongly that sex is a way for couples to connect, release their stress and recharge their batteries. If it is a problem now it will only get worse, that is, if he is unwilling to take action.

I have been married for 18 years and our sex life continues to decrease annually. I am SICK of talking to him about it because he makes no effort to address the issue. We have two beautiful daughters, ages 12 and 13, and I don't want to leave because of them. What is so sad is that in every other way we have a great marriage. But I am very hurt and empty because of the lack of intimacy in our marriage.

Talk to him and explain your feelings about this. If he makes no effort to seek treatment, then the ball is in your court. I am SO sorry for your sadness, but look further into this page and you will find you are not alone.

Thank you for your response and im sorry to hear that you feel hurt and empty. WOW 18 yrs is a long time. To answer your question I have talked to him with the importance of how these issue needs to be fixed. He's gone to an urologist and his testoterone was low hes been on meds they and it's back up..but his sex drive is not back up, he doesn't get erections like he normally should and I just feel lied to, betrayed and ultimately let down. It's almost as if he mistaken my kindness for weakness or that he was wishing on a star that maybe I would be okay with this issue...I would love for my marriage to work but I am drained mentally, emotionally and I am sexual frustrated on so many levels..this is almost like a sick Joke! The big thing that keeps popping in my head is what if this issue never gets FIXED! THEN WHAT??? am I really supposed to self-sacrifice myself for the sake of his deficiencies?