How to Have a Baby In a Sexless Marriage?

All of your stories have given me the courage to tell my own.... I hope you will be kind enough to help me if you can...

I am 30, my husband is 36 and we will be celebrating our 3rd anniversary in 2 weeks.  We are both excited about starting a family and we talk about our future children frequently but he has no interest in actually MAKING these hypothetical kids. I have been off birth control for 2 years and the last time we had sex was 2 months ago.

He is so great about taking care of everything else in our lives (he cooks, cleans, laundry!) but without sex I feel like he isn't taking care of me. I truly love my husband and I know that he loves me, but I cannot live like this! In previous relationships, I have never encountered a hyposexual partner, and I'm not sure what to do. I would prefer to have DAILY sex (can you imagine how GREAT that would be?!), but we average maybe 1-2 times per month. I have suggested counseling for us, but he is resistant.

So what should I do? Is it me? Is there anything I can do to make this better? I guess I really have two issues, the desire for intimacy with the man I love and the desire to have a baby. But, sadly these are both related issues which I have no control over. (or do I and I just can't see the answer?)

I miss feeling desired/beautiful/sexy and I want a baby... what should I do?

hopeful30 hopeful30
26-30, F
7 Responses Sep 21, 2008

I really believe that if you have intimacy, your marriage will survive alot of trauma. Take away the sex/intimacy and it is just like college roomates. No real reason to fix or deal with issues. Do not even CONSIDER creating a family with a man you do not have the right kind of relationship.with. You want your someday kids to know true love.

Hi Hopeful 30,<br />
Reproducing and perpetuating the species is a sign of fertility and verility, and could simply mean that he desires to show the world that he is fertile and verile. And, you are going to attempt conception with someone who may not be able to conceive, which is only going to make your baby-ache more profound. <br />
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Hold off on having children with this man until you can be assured that he wants a sexual and intimate relationship with you, as it is not going to magically get better after the baby is born, and you are in the swing of parenting. Don't let your need for a baby overshadow your need for a solid relationship. Sex and intimacy are basic human needs, and you can tell yourself that a baby will fix everything, or that your priorities will shift after having a baby, and you will not care about sex, but at some point, you will want to feel sexy, feminine and desired. <br />
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Best wishes to you!<br />

I agree with all the above too. My husband was 35 when I met him and though is exemplary in all other aspects of our relationship just never got the importance of sex too, though I packaged it differently as healthy and age defying. I tried to have a third baby but gave up the ghost. Sex like that can be quite demeaning. My first two were unexpected (he couldn't wear a condom) but sealed the deal for him. With two beautiful children he presents to the world as virile as any man.

Marriage isn't all about love. I love my husband, he loves me. No doubts about that but... I don't know if I can continue living with him and being his partner without the physical intimacy *I* need. Decide if you want to be a nun or not. If not, get this taken care of SOON (listen to how many of us have been holding out for years and are so unhappy -- do you want to be us in 10 years?) or leave. If you're happy with being a nun, might I suggest the church? You won't have to do his laundry, you won't be expecting sex, and you'll never have to worry about the bills!

It bears repeating...wait on having a child. It will complicate things that much more for you if you come to the realization that you cannot live this way for the rest of your life. Having children always means sacrifice - but if this is a big part of who you are, can you really sacrifice the part of yourself that needs intimacy in her life - in a relationship?

I would say that if he is already resistant to counseling about this issue, what are you going to do to handle conflicting ideas regarding parenting. Children are a gift, but that gift comes with a lot of work, a lot of compromise, and a lot of stress and if your marriage lacks the bonding of a good intimate relationship, you are already at a disadvantage when it comes to working thru issues. Also, just from my experience, if he has a madonna complex, having kids will make you even less desirable to him. I encourage you to read through these stories. Many on here share the added struggle of having kids and how trapped they feel because of not wanting the children to experience a divorce. It is early in this for you and maybe you can get him to change, but I would suggest that if you can't get him to change then you shouldn't bring innocent victims into your family.

Want to say first of all that it really takes courage to post a story! I've found everyone here to be really understanding and supportive. <br />
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I can sympathize with your situation too. Children is something I wanted as well, but my husband doesn't so much care much for the whole family idea. I think it's really beautiful that your husband at least expresses intrest in having a family one day. He sounds like a great guy. My husband is really cool too, but he doesn't cook, do laundry haha any of that stuff!!<br />
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My advice is to look at your communication and how you relate to each other. Intimacy isn't just something that happens in the bedroom, it effects every part of your shared lives together. I'd look to see if you've noticed any other areas in your marriage breaking down first and focus on those and then focus on the sexual part of your marriage.<br />
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I read a great book by Thomas Moore called "Soul Mates." Really great book that looks at intimacy in all its forms. <br />
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My BIG advice though is to work things out with your issues first before bringing kids into the picture. As wonderful as kids are they too will only exacerbate the situation. If children is something you really want express it in all the ways you can. Maybe buy some parent magazines.. or look at websites that focus on kid stuff and just "happen" to leave the page open on your browser. Stuff like that is a little subtle but it might help your case!