Working On It...

 My wonderful sweetie and I have been married for 2 years.  Everything is great except sex.  I love sex and so did he at first but then it become almost none existent.  I love my husband and I know he loves me but I really need and want to feel that I can satisfy him.  He has been a great trooper about going to the doctor, trying the meds and trying to stay motivated but I miss the feeling of being completed satisfied thru sex.  

He is so  frustrated wit it that he has convinced himsef that he is old (NOT) and does not get anything out of sex.  He has even willed himself to think that he cannot please me and therefore will not just give me affection (hugs, kisses, touching).  I miss those things and he is going to the doctor and getting more help.  Is anyone else out there feeling like you can't please your husband anymore?  If so, how do you cope and continue to encourage him, at the same time?

MissingBuddy MissingBuddy
41 Responses Oct 9, 2008

READ READ READ "The Sex Starved Wife" it will change you and your relationship with your husband<br />
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she also has other books like the sex starved marriage

Hi, just joined so I'm not familiar with the chat room but all too familiar with the no sex thing. We've been married for 20 years and 4 years ago while I was in rehab he moved into the back room. Trouble is I'm not sure if I miss him anymore and that' scary.

Im in the same boat, but it's my wife who isnt interested anymore. I cant deal with the lack of physical affection.

I know this is crazy but I know couples in the swinging world where the guys cant satisfy their wives so instead they do it together at swinging parties and he watches her enjoying herself. She does not cheat on him, they do it together. Chat to your husband and see if he agress

I would like to sit down with him and have a good talk.<br />
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Actually, on second thoughts, I would like to sit down with you and have a good talk.<br />
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Sincerely, I find it hard to believe that such a man exists.<br />
Sex is not the only thing in marriage but it's high on the list of priorities.

Wow this seems like such a common story these days. Im sure it always was. I wonder whether the stress of life gets in the way or if people change? Ive experienced some of the same things. It can get difficult at times.


i have been married for 5 years and recntly found out my husband cheated on me with a 25 yr old girl. i feel so hurt and betrayed. He has asked me to forgive me an dhas stayed away from the lady, but we have sex only five ties since June 15 2009 that i found out he was cheating. I have asked him several times and now i am just tired of asking for sex

Akasja, your life isn't over. You are still very young, don't throw it away. Accept that it is over and move on. Just an advice. ;o)

I never thought I would be in this situation. My husband and I on average have sex once every 2 to 4 months. Currently, we have not had sex in 3 months. What has shocked me is that I never thought i could exist in a relationship like this, but i have been married for 4 years now and i have no plans of leaving my husband; i have actually gotten used to not having sex. Wow! I do have two wonderful kids and at least for now sex just isn't that important. at least that is what i am telling myself.

I can relate been married 37 yrs I want to do it every nite but she doesn't

Hi - I don't have any advice on how to fix your situation or cope with it... I'm in it too... I just wanted to post and tell you that you are not alone and that I will think good thoughts for you.

I'm sorry to hear about your problem. There could be many reasons for the lack of interest (I'm sure you've already gotten that far in your search), but I have to say that one that kind of jumps out at me is defined by your own words as feeling that it is perhaps a "chore". Your husband culd well be a fully selfish and ignorant lover, if he weren't it would seem that he would be helping to search for a solution. However, the fact that you refer to cleaning up the "mess" when it's over would seem to indicate you might have a damaged perspective on sex as well. It seems that if you want to change this situation that couples counsuling (sex therapy oriented). It's difficult to say what you may find out, but it might be very interesting? On the other hand if you are comfortable with the situation (as many of us do find comfort within dysfunction) do mothing. Either way I wish you luck in your search... :)

Oh my, I have been all over the map with this issue. I was married for 30 years to a man who had not a single sex urge....NONE...he wasn't gay, just wasn't interested in sex. We divorced because I just felt that before i died, I wanted a man who actually wanted sex, since I have a fairly high sex drive.<br />
I dated a Hispanic man for 3years after the divorce. We lived apart and long distance, but I thought, wow, all my prayers were answered. He was a fantastic lover, just swept me off my feet We got married. I thought the world was perfect. after we had been married 2 years, he lost interest in sex....we now have been married 6 years and I just found out a few months ago he had been online placing ads on personal sites asking women for sex on elevators, one night stands, etc. This is a made who has not make love to me over 5 times in 3 years. I found his profiles, read what he wrote he claimed he just felt less than a man because he wasn't interested in sex and just wanted to see women's pictures...oh, yeah, he was registered on a **** site which pictured teenage girls. Naturally, at firstI went nuts.....I started trying to drown my broken heart in alcohol, tried to kill myself a couple of times, and finally BLING! the light went on in my brain. I have been a perfect wife our entire marriage, maybe too perfect. He not only takes me for granted, he doesn'teven see me as a person anymore. So, I made up my mind, I can have better sex without him....(I don't even have to buy toys) and he is the one missing out.....right now, I am in charge of my life. I decide to not let his failure make me feel like a failure. I told him that he has to straighten his act up, but whether he does or not, I am in charge of my life, I will not give anyone else the power over me to hurt me again. I will never trust completely again, but I think that is a good thing...bad things happen to people who trust fullly. Be your own boss, think foryourself, and double check everything....sooo...if he doesn't want sex fine. He supports me, and I'm still his wife, but my self esteem and sexual satisfaction has nothing to do with him.....I am the master of my on ship....he's just on my ship for the ride, for as long as I decide. Love him? Yes, I love him, but I will never trust him, or degrade myself for him, or make my life seem of less value than his....get over sex with your goes on, and can be better....Girls, you are in charge....have a ball...find out what makes you happy and just do it, don't let a man's refusal to make love to you make you feel like your are less of a are a wonderful person...take charge of your ship!!! Anchors Away!!!!

I was in an interesting situation like that once upon a long time ago. I was at a dinner party with friends and one of the ladies commented to me that she had had her tubes tied. A few weeks later she told me that her husband had bought a big screen TV for their christmas present so he could watch football. I had to say to her, what's he gonna do, sleep with it? she said that he goes to sleep every night in front of the TV. I opened my big mouth and asked her if he'd rather see the game than her. She admitted he would. Well, of course you know that I was in pretty deep by then. I told her that I couldn't imagine ignoring her. A few days later she was at a motel with me, re- finding the feeling of being not merely needed as in a dishwasher/ maid, but wanted passionately. we were both in sexless marriages. I am glad I found her.<br />
Neither of us wanted divorce. We wanted to raise our own children. We wanted our spouses for many reasons besides sex. I knew mine from when I was 12 and we were always together. But there was that need to be desired that wasn't found at home. We found that we loved experimenting and games that neither's mate would like. <br />
I went on vacation with my family once and bought her a ''Rabbit'' to ''keep her company''. she loved it so much that she wanted me to watch her use it while going down on me. I am still thrilled. <br />
Well eventually we went our seperate ways. My wife and I got back into sex together, sort of circled back around to the sex thing after a few years of none. <br />
I am glad that I had the relief that M. gave me, we gave each other. I don't think I would have been able to survive without it.

interestin thing i have heard that the water we drink its filled with hormones because too many people are taking birth control pills plus the hormones from food. i mean maybe all of that contamination is affecting male sex response. i dont know is just a thought. but exercise and eating healthy could help, and for sure wouldnt hurt. also sex can be a problem if you are overweight. so like any problem is better to look for an answer with a cold head, so start with environmental probable causes, then work from there. also a lot of people with depression and dont know it, there are studies that art ( seing nice things) and exercise elevates your dopamine level in your brain making you feel good. and when you dont get right amount of this substance in the brain some people try to get it up with food, drugs or alcohol. abusing these because a comfort level can not be reached.

I am so glad I found this forum. I felt like I was the only women in the world who wanted sex more than their husband. I love my husband dearly. I knew about his ED from the first time we tried to have sex. He just can't stay hard. His ex-wife cheated repeatedly on him and I believe told him he didn't satisfy her. Plus it sounds like they only had intercourse, no foreplay, no messing around or just being intimate. It's like he doesn't know what to do. He has gone to the doctor and gotten meds, but still doesn't really seem to want to have sex. I know he is faithful and he tells me it's just because he is so worried about "it" that it makes it worse. Plus, he is very depressed (going through a custody battle for his children). I believe it's not is getting so difficult for me. He has told me that he was worried all I wanted was sex in the beginning of our relationship, until he got to know that is not me. I love him so much, but I want that intimacy. He wants me to be satisfied and doesn't mind if I take care of it....but I want him to take care of it. We haven't even been married a year and I am so frustrated! I am trying to be patient and understanding. He hates talking about sex at all, so it's hard to know how to help or make things better.

how to get fun with female

I have been married for 9 1/2 years, have 2 beautiful children and a husband that is not interested in sex. He just sees it as a 'release', not an ex<x>pression of love. I am so sad.

i sympathy with you.

I hear you and I suffer from the same situation. We've been married for 6 years and had sexual problems for all of them ... I guess patience works (depending on your partner of course) but honestly there has to be a way to get him to understand your feelings as well...I swear I could have written what you wrote a few years back and I am afraid to say that it gets worse...not better depending in how you both approach it...My only advice is to take care of yourself before you get so much into this you forget to live

I can relate very much, although the situation is somewhat reversed. I am a diabetic, and because of this I have problems keeping it up. Because of this my wife has completely stopped any physical contact. She thinks that if she cannot keep me hard then I must not desire her. I have shown her the medical evidence, but she doesn't even want me to pleasure her.<br />
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Sure I am a male, but the thing I love best about sex is pleasuring my partner. I am very tactile and very oral, both of which have been completely cut off. Not to mention the emotional abandonment. I get so lonely. She is in bed and asleep by 9 PM. I sit here for hours completely and totally alone.

sheesh so many of us not getting wonderful sex it really sucks, im really lookin for a lover,, i want to give her a wonderful bunch of ******* eat her for hours and share the pleasure.. john in colo,,

I can completely relate to you. I have been married almost 11 yrs now. The first 2 yrs were great and filled with sex but that has not been the case for the past 9 years. The past 9 yrs, we only have sex maybe once a year and that occurs on my requesting not his- ever. I feel this great sense of rejected and insecurity from this. Unfortunately, my husband would not go to the doctors for this issue until this year b/c we both wanted children and I just turned 35. Although my husband has always been affectionate and loving, it still does not fill the void of being in a sexless marriage. Now, even with the meds from the doctor, it is a very difficult and sensitive issue. We only have sex to get pregnant but even then, my husband only puts in the minimal effort which you can't really do when you are trying for a baby. I really want to have a family with this man, he is my first love, he is kind and giving and would make a great father; however, it is really hard to know that we are only having sex to get pregnant. However, even getting pregnant is an issue as we have been trying for a year and the doctor says that our lack of trying is the biggest issue (both our tests cames back with good health). <br />
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My advice to you is try to rectify it sooner than later so you won't have the many years of unhappiness I have had from this issue and also that it doesn't impact the possible next chapter of your life, parenthood.

I am in the same situation only it turns out my husband is more interested in looking at **** on the internet than having real sex with his wife! It is so unbelievable to me. I am contemplating divorce.

I'm in the exact same i write this i am sitting in my "sexy" pj's as my husband sits infront of the t.v. falling asleep...I'm not sure what to do????

if you luv sex then contact me. i have not done sex yet and i want to do it.

my wife hates talking about sex only married 18 months ago now its ceased she just is not interested and yet wow her body is lovely i love outdoor sex on the beach or car parks but oh no we cant do that yet i am a good person will do anything to please i love adventure i could be tempted to stray still thinking about it we both work hard are kind to each other its as though i have to beg then i feel guilty cant win i think male and female must be wired up differantly

other than psychological reason, there are some physical reasons too. one of them is when we women go through premenopause or menopause, hormones start to get inbalance. some doctors especially traditional ones suggest hormone replacement therapy, which reseach found out there were more negetive side effects than benefits. <br />
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a new alternative to this hormone inbalance is Dr. Lee's natural ProgesterAll cream. it applied on the body to balance hormones. a safe choice for those who 's been throught the hormone-inbalance-caused symptoms: such as low sex drive, headache, swinging mood, adult acne or pigmentation. <br />
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one of the place to sell this cream online is <br />

I thought I was going mental when sex stopped from my relationship,I empathise.

did you try seduce him .lingerie.......bublebaths and perfums......??? if you like to talk though email or msn / yahoo messenger.......???

My husband used to want sex even when it wasn't working, he still wanted me to try to do things just for him, while I got nothing in return. Then he got meds, and he won't take them. A full Rx in the medicine cabinet for 6 months, unopened. 5 refills, unfilled. On one hand I miss the closeness; for months he only touched me to tickle me, which I hate. Now we hug and kiss (chastely, he hasn't really kissed me in a year). On the other hand, I don't miss sex, I never enjoyed it that much because it was always all about him, and when it was over (for him), he went off to watch tv while I cleaned up the mess. So I don't miss having one more thing on the to-do list. <br />
I do kind of resent that when I was younger, I didn't mess around, I waited for him, and now at age 33 that part of my life is over and it never really started. We don't talk about it anymore. Part of it is that we have opposite schedules; we see eachother a few hours per week and are never in bed at the same time. We're roomates, friends, we love each other, sometimes we have fun together as friends, but not even remotely sexual. There are also some bigger things involved that I won't get into. At least your guy is trying, missingbuddy... hang in there.

well , men are visual. i know because im kind of fat now and i was very thin when i met my husband. so , even if i dont try this , i can tell you you must try new clothing , hair styles , perfume , cooking...whatever pushes his buttons. maybe there are other causes , too but if you dont try anything you will remain like the rest of this unhappy club .....sexless.

Build his confidence that he can satify you in other ways first (by using toys, etc., if agreeable and fun). I think a man's confidence and self esteem are major components to his desire. Understandably so. If I did not feel like I was capable or a hottie why would I want to jump into bed only to be only emabarrased, shamed and made to feel inadequate.<br />
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At least you mate is willing to try the doctor, etc. Mine just get mad at the suggestion.

my ex was into **** and never wanted sex. Wouldn't you think if he involved in **** he'd want more... or, at least some? Apparently the **** overtook a REAL relationship.

Not bragging but my wife and I have been married for 25 years and we are in our mid 40's; yet we still work at, and find ways to get hot and satisify eatchother sexually. In our case I (the male) have to find ways to push the deside envelope but my bride of 25 years, and sex partner of over that search for ways to push the envelope incuding non triditional sex activities that individually the other finde arousing. The key is not what "I" am arroused by but what the "other" partner finds arousing. We have given up on our personal satisifaction...rather it is 100% about one mutually servicing the other emotionally and sexually.....its all about team person can not suceede alone...

This is a difficult task ... how to please a man who says he doesn't want sex. This has been a problem for most of my marriage ... it's not your fault ... it's normal to want to be intimate with your man. I have tried everything, from being supportive, making the Dr. appt. for him for meds to help him, being patient, giving him plenty of room, letting it all be his idea .. while I wither away in the corner. I don't know how love can conquer all as they say. My husband says he loves me but doesn't feel any desire for me. When I undress for bed he looks away and makes me feel like a non-sexual person. He needs to take some responsibility for his own feelings or non feelings. Just saying you love each other can turn into a brother and sister relationship real fast .. Believe me... I know, I live it. Hope it gets better with the meds.

i hear you sister! i'm dying and crying inside and can't concentrate on anything b/c all i can think about is SEXSEXSEX anymore. i wish there was some herb or pill i could take to stop my desire!!

Are you sure he isn't giving it to someone else?<br />
Have you thought about sharing with another ,man or woman?Sometimes this is the one thing that brings back the fire.??

i don t know how you do it but when i hug on bed with ma girl i can t stop havin sex!

Im sorry yu have to go threw this. But I think not talking about sex anymore would help. Maybe doing other things that you both like to do that way you can hold hands and kiss. Also dont give up on him. If you show frustration then he will to. If he feels you happy then he will to. Get yourself a toy to satisfy yourself without him knowing ofcourse. Until he can get back on his feet. U know Love is not only about sex. Love is companion,friendship, happiness. Good luck