Good Marriage. Lots of Affection. No Sex.

I've seen the sexless marriage group, but thought that a group for WOMEN ONLY might be useful. All the stories are heartbreaking, but I think a place that is just for women is called for. My husband and I have been married almost 14 years. We have three daughters. One is a high functioning autistic. We don't drink or drug or have affairs. He is not gay. We never had a HOT sex life, but we did have one! Naturally it slowed down once the kids were born, but man, I didn't expect it to come to a grinding halt. We've done it maybe a half dozen times in the last 10 years. We've tried counseling. He got the pills and they have sat, unused, for three years. He is a wonderful man. Very affectionate. I adore him. He is thoughtful and and a wonderful father. He just doesn't seem to want me. A couple of times I've found **** magazines and once this past year I turned on the tv to find that he had ordered a **** movie the night before. I cried and told him that if he felt that way I wished he would come to me. He hugged me and said he was sorry and that was it. I'm not unattractive. In fact, I'd say I'm a very pretty woman. I'm not perfect, but I'm certainly no dog. He tells me that he feels fat and that just kills his sexy feelings. I get that. But he's beautiful to me and I miss him so very much...
barefootx3 barefootx3
41-45, F
56 Responses Aug 9, 2007

On the rare occassion that we do have sex, she says that it hurts. That's a big turnoff - makes me not want to push the issue. I think that she has lost interest. This leaves me frustrated both mentally and physically.

Has she talked to her doctor about how sex is painful? Have you tried more foreplay, lubes? If sex is painful, it would be impossible for her to enjoy i**********, but there are other activities that could bring pleasure to both of you.

Mine is reverse story. My wife has lost interest in sex. Not ready for anything. tried different style and methods but little effects. Now at age of 50 she is finding it painful

More foreplay, lubes, hormonal treatment, talking to her doctor to make sure that she doesn't have an infection, etc. -- all of those things could help renew her interest in sex. If she's not interested in trying those things, however, you may wish to consider other options for yourself as it's not fair for one partner to unilaterally decide that a marriage will be sexless. Also, even if a partner isn't interested in sex, if they love their partner and their partner wants to have a sex life, they'll find some way of meeting their partner's needs. They won't just act like the partner should stop having sex.

You have valid point

33 yrs married here. In my marriage, sex has not completely stopped but it has tailed of quite a bit. I wish that my wife would act more like a **** in the bedroom.

Have you talked to her about this?

I have talked with her about the lack of sex. She says that she just poops out. Whatever it is, I see it as lack of interest. It's probably hormonal and related to menopause.

Ummm... maybe to start the ball rolling .. you could both try cuddling each other a lot.... just cuddling and touching and then he might get aroused enough to want to have sex....

okay ..like another thought just occurred to me... it could be that he has the urges, but isn\'t coming to you cos he might have performance issues? could be something like can\'t get hard, or stay hard long enough, or something like that.

I mean.. its all in his head ... right? so if you can get into it, find out what he thinks about sex... might solve ur problems.

If he is watching and reading ****, doesn't that say something. I hate to mention it, but maybe if you could become his little **** star. Something is telling me he really finds sex a dirty thing, and thinks he has to hide his feelings and/or desires. What would happen if you two watched a pron movie together I wonder. There aren't many that are very well written if they have a script at all, but would watching gross you out, and he knows that? Surely I'm not suggesting doing any of the disgusting things that happen in those movies.

Dern it, behind closed doors I'm finding out on here are some pretty wide ranges in intimate experiences. I'm starting to learn more and more it's only partly sexual and mainly intimacy that has to come first.

Another option might be placing a mirror where he can watch himself having sex with you.

**** happens!

im going tru the same thing. he refuses me . he love me but nothing more . :

islandman, Im 45....and Id rather have it than talk about it too, and Im a woman in an long term relationship with man who no longer seems to have a desire for it. Im not a nympho...but I wouldnt ever refuse it ....10 minutes is better than nothing (never thot that wanting it once a week would be considered too much).....so why does a man not want sex???...I no longer think it matters what gender you are. It's so wrong for one person to deny the other...leaving that person frustrated, hungry, unloved and trapped. Ive thot about getting out of the relationship on more than one occasion, but he is everything else....caring, attentive, affectionate and etc. the only thing missing is sex. there's that quote, "When sex is good.. It's 20% of the relationship. If is bad.. It's 80% of the relationship"......In my situation, the sex is not bad, there just isnt hardly any,and there used to be. I love him with all my heart....but dont know if I can continue like this, if he doesnt try to fix it. I want to think that sex isnt everything...but no matter how much I tell myself that, it still torments me...

Oops, I meant I'm 41 and he's "40."

I am in the exact same situation. I'm 41, he's 49. Been married 10 yrs, together for over 12. I love, respect, and want him so bad. I've told him but he always changes the subject. We have 2 small kids, he's great at everything, except sex. When I think about it I get really depressed so I try not to dwell. Everythig was good until shortly aftet my son wa born 6 years ago. All I want is good sex and I want it with him! In starting to look at other men and its freaking me out. If he ever found out u cheated he would leave me in a second. Help!

I am living a similar depressing life to yours and I feel so very sorry for your predicament (as well as my own). I'm guessing your man is of similar age and the pills are probably not required, so it's good that they sit unused. Exercise together, build activity to help him with his poor body image/low self esteem. Get a bit assertive, tell him the next time he jacks off (he is jacking off), you want to be part of it. Better still, you create the next time for him. You possess the best set of tools to help your man out of this dreadful slump.

The importance of this issue never dies, but thatnkfully now we can openly talk about that at least among those who willing to listen. I'm 29 years old and my sex drive just keeps increasing. I got married 4 years ago at 25 and my husband was 39, we had it good for about a year and now it gradually dying. I'm not even sure I love him anymore but he helped me a lot and I will be eternally grateful. And he is completely selfless, the most kind person I have ever met. But I am scared even to think what will be next 10-15 years if even now we have sex may be once a week mostly with my initiative. I can't imagine hurting him, I tried to talk, I bought books, toys, anything from sex shop assortment, but we use it only when I offer and I am tired to always show initiative. He never does anymore and I don't understand why, I am not even sure he watched ****, I would be happy to find out since I am willing to experiment with anything at this point

ok, its like this, im 48 married , have one son 16. I do want to have sex real bad and my wife too...so she says. Its just not happening. I dont have the hots for her like when we met and she ,Im sure does not either. She cant survive alone financialy alone and I want to make sure my kid will be able to go to colledge financially. Neither of us would mind to be divorced as long as her and the kid can survive. I need someone new to feel the butterflies with, Im sure she does too. Ir espect her as my wife, but no butterflies and the sex is horrible, I cant even get it up with her even though she is not a bad looking whoman. We tryed to live separate, but the only chance I had with was fat american burger and doughnut fed girls. I hate fat girls. Im european ind Im not used to sleep with fat girls. Have I stayed in europe, I would be divorced ten times allready and see my kid all the time -no hard feelings, we would both be ok. She would have guys and me girls. We cant go back becouse we are from different countries and the kid would never adjust. He is in high school and he doesent speak either of our lenguages because we speak only english at home.. and I dont want to have him change countries at this age. He is all I have and I want the best for him.Again, I love my family and I dont want to give them up but its scientificly proven that the lust only lasts for about eight months only. Should we follow the bible and suffer without lust forever or should we give in to our burning desires to have sex with someone else and burn in hell forever... I wouldnt mid the second but what about the kid?

" We tryed to live separate, but the only chance I had with was fat american burger and doughnut fed girls. I hate fat girls. Im european ind Im not used to sleep with fat girls"

Wow. Just. Wow.

I am married for over 2 yrs.first year was great.but now it's been 7 months we havent had any sex..I am 26 and this kills me.i tried to talk to him and he is like he avoids the topic.he is a decent guy.he has undergone a shoulder surgery like 6 months ago but now he is almost okey.the more I talk abt it the more delay its gona be to have sex..so I don't know what to do? I feel like moving out but right now i am not able to do tht either .i cannot face my parents too!

hai im saikiran from india listen to your heart what it say if you want sex ask him why he could do it? or dont think wrong an sex satisfaction with anyone secretly but if your heart says no dont do this .

Dear Youngins,<br />
Marriage take work, or everybody would be doing it. I've been married 28 years, sex has come and gone through those years, first after the kids were born, Momma was too tired to have sex, and take care of the kids and hubby, but after awhile hubby got her to go to counseling and through counseling we found that after marriage and you start going to bed naked all the time that gets old, so you have to switch it up a bit, how about going to bed with clothes on. That fired up the Sex again. Then I was having problems with me, and my wife suggested I be tested, so like a good hubby, I went off to see the Doctor. After the test, he said I needed to take testerone, that they had just been testing men for it for some 5 years and that if might be just what I needed. Wow, at 53, this testerone, was some ways better then the blue pill. I felt 16 again, and some of the side affects from T were, instant hard on like I had in high school. and the need to ********* more often than before. Wife and I got right back after it again till doctor told her she had bride's disease. You know from doing it too much. With T, I can do it every night, stay hard, stay long, matter of fact, can't ********* at all while having sex. My stamina and longevity seems to last for ever. But then it seems to take for ever to ********* after sex. So there are trade offs.<br />
Wife has now been taken off Hormones and Sex has left the building so to speak. Doctor said she has been on them too many years and now has to get off so she does not get cancer, of course I don't want her to get cancer. But I also didn't want her Passion to leave the Home as it did. Sure she tries, but you know something is missing. I have tried cutting back on T to help control the wild urges I have, and I have tried to talk to the Doctor about it, but he just says I'm still to low and need to take it everyday. I've started taking every other day to slow down the side effects that make me feel powerless to the drug. <br />
Wife and I explored BDSM to spice up our marriage after the kids left and we loved it, but since the passion has left, so has all her desire for adventure. <br />
I'm afraid I'm left to dwell on the internet more than I like, but have made some friends who help me pass the day the best I can. I won't leave cause we have History, but a man needs what a man needs and some days I feel bad looking for companionship on the web. Doc got on me for taking every other day and now being tested every month to make sure. Wife caught me looking at ****, told me how much it hurt her. I told her not half as much as dropping the hormones did to me. I told her how the drugs make me want to ********* 3-4 times a day. Now I'm supposed to lay next to her while she is reading or sewing etc, when I have the need. Like that works Silly. <br />
Perhaps sex will come again for our marriage, but if it does not, then I have to find something to fill my needs, while not hurting the marriage any. <br />
Lost in Space

I know how you feel. Seems the doc wants to put us older guys on T all the time. So far I'm not on it, but I get tested every year. I still have the urges naturally, only she doesn't. It's rough.

It's a tough call.<br />
I was married for 11 years. 10 of them pretty much sexless. Then I found others.<br />
<br />
But now, I have GF of one and 1/2 years... nothing. My issues. Especially since I met a one night stand 6 months ago that was amazing. <br />
<br />
Love and sex are two different things.<br />
<br />
I am in the middle of deciding which way I want to go with my life. Sexless with my current GF... or multi-sexed encounters every night with others.<br />
<br />
Life's a *****.<br />
<br />
t

@ Rozee: My husband gained about 20# and I figured that's why we weren't having sex. Looking back, I see that was just a lie to myself. He has since lost all his weight, looks great and looks even better naked. We still aren't having sex.

What good is affection if there is no sex!!!! I'm in your shoes but only cohabitating with my BF for 16 months and I'm already working on my exit strategy because things will never change and I don't want to waste anymore of my precious time.

Please tell him those exact words, I find that men are worse than women when it comes to body image, they need constant reassurance, my man still locks the bathroom door for fear of me seeing him completely naked, lol he thinks he is horrible looking, he's 6'2 fit and trim, and I love the way he is built.

my husband and i will be married for 8 yrs next month.. sex was never great but he is - sweet, caring, devoted, affectionate, responsible.. he'd never cheat, which is huge for me - i have trust issues. my 1st husband was a serial cheater... so i guess i got what i wanted - a man who would never cheat on me.. my husband is my best friend, and i have really good friends.. i have a huge libido, he has none.. none. wont even try to count the few times we've had sex in the past few yrs.. dr says his testosterone is fine, we've been to couples counseling, bla bla bla.. i've talked, given ultimatums, over assessed my looks (i'm pretty good lookin), told him what i see as my options and presented him with true ideas of what will probably happen (i'll get sex elsewhere even though i've never cheated in my life, or divorce). no change - sometimes short-term for a week or so, but nothing.. i no longer cry and get mad.. i simply wanna get laid.. ugh...

Seems like we both share a similar marriage. Husband is very affectionate trusting loving and I know he would never cheat also but there is no sexual intamacy

Not all men in this situation cheat. My wife is a refuser but she is also very HOT to me. I don't want another woman, I want her. I get flirted with and even propositioned at times. But I do not want them, I want my wife and it hurts like hell to be rejected like this.

that is what im going through my wife never feels like having sex i have done the candle thing the romantic dinners the whole nine even for our anniversery

Dear Barefoot, <br />
By the sound of your story which kinda sounds like ours, I think you need to have Hubby go see his doctor and get tested for Testosterone, They the medical profession have only been testing that for about 10 years now. My wife wondered why she was never getting any and I thought we were find, but when she started marking it down on a Calendar to show me, I admit I was a little embarrassed.<br />
So off to the Doc I went and was tested. I was in single digits and needed to be in triple digits.<br />
The first effects of it, made me get horny at the sight of a nice young woman in public, and that is a feeling I hadn't had since high school. It took some adjustment cause we were doing the deed every night it seemed, then before long she had to go to the doc and he told her she had Brides Disease, now we were doing it too much, so I had to learn to regulate my medicine and I got to were I took it every other day. It makes me so horny, that she just can't seem to keep up, and so I of course have had to depend on my right hand when she is worn out. He won't need the blue pill and you won't have to schedule sex in a 4 hour window. Let me know how it turns out. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.<br />
Chris

Mine did get tested for testostrone. He got told it was low, no treatment was offered, and he (evidently) didn't ask for any. What was the point? It was just yet another excuse to put in his 452 list of random excuses to use to put me off when I'd ask, if just laughing and calling me "silly" didn't work. It's very nice to hear from a man who actually wants sex.

Well there is testerone and if you hubby gets on it, you better get something to hold on too. While we were hard at it, we tried so many new things and ways, that when her passion left the building, I can't stop thinking about it. Keep trying, send him again, he is worth it, Men we are a little stubborn but worth it once you convince us to what is best. Wish I were there for you today to be your sub and you mine till we get our mates back on the playing page. We must keep trying. I'm looking into Natural Hormones now. But we could always comfort each other through these tough times. I hope it gets better for both of us.
Chris

As a woman who has been married for 21 yrs, the last 5 completely sexless and the other pratically sexless, I am comforted by the other women here who struggle like I do. When your husband or partner rejects you sexually, it tears at your very core,as the rejection and isloation eats away at your spirit and self esteem. It makes you think "whats wrong with me?" You want answers as to why your husband sleeps on the couch, and refuses to make love with you? Am I so fatally flawed?? When your friends or co-workers talk about their active or even over active sex lives, you shrink into the background, ashamed because you haven't been touched in over 5 yrs, and you're sure thats written all over your face. You can't speak the truth out loud, because of the shame, and you think you are the only one. But thankfully, here on EP, we can share our experiences and support each other and let each other know, hey, its ok!! You are not flawed!!! If your husband is asexual, which I an 99.9% sure my husband is, thats his issue. That doesn't mean you're not beautiful or worth loving You are!. If there is some other issue, whether physical or psychological, the onus is on him to ge the help he needs to be whole. You can support him, and be there for him, but he's got to do the work. Sitting there and ignoring the problem for 21 yrs, to me, is inexcusable. If it were the other way around, his buddies would have told him to have an affair....after 6 months. Why, as women, are we expected to shut up, and put up?!?!?

Hmmm, I've never been married but I have lived with a woman for 17 years. She is gone now and I'm sad, but happy for her. We had that problem eventually and I have to say, that though I am a romantic and have never cheated, it gets dull to be with the same person for so damned long. I really hate to say this and wish it weren't true, but it's not you guys or necessarily a medical issue, though that certainly happens, but it's over familiarity. It has to happen with women, too.My GF was marvelous in many ways. Smart as hell and funny, slim and model pretty, but damned if being around her for so long blinded me to that. My mind said yes but my body wasn't into it, although a pretty, strange woman would make me boil and I'd hate myself for it. Perhaps it was just that as much as we liked each other, the chemistry was off. It happens. It's weird to live with someone you once were sexual with and feel like it would "bother" the other to be physical again.I will say that a trip apart and a while out of sight might help. So I'm not saying that true love and forever lust doesn't exist, just that I haven't found that yet and I imagine it's not just me. There are countless fish out there, I just wish it were all sweeter and nicer and men's bodies weren't made to spread dna everywhere.One thing that occurs to me is that even at my most jaded, if she had attacked me I would have responded, sheer biology. I can't speak for all the guys but if you are very clear and physical and he still says no, more than once or twice, then it will never happen and he either needs a divorce or a doctor. And the woman just needs the divorce. People go apesh*t trying to save relationships, and if there are kids I get it, sort of, but you can't make it happen if it isn't there. Bad pairings happen evey second. Learn and try again or live with no sex until you die. Your choice.

Hi not sure where to start but please offer any advice as i am open ears, but please don't throw abuse as i have done nothing but beat myself up for yrs.Married for 13 yrs 2 cildren 9&6 had affair that lasted 1 year hubby found out 4yrs ago, we talked and talked, sex before was ok i was the who wanted to put the sparkle into it and wud suggest different things all the time, he enjoyed but not as "up for it" as me, maybe this was my reason for affair. Took about a year for things to get back to so called normal but he has never brought my affair up, its always me that blames myself to him. 2 yrs ago he was having problems in maintaning during sex, bought tabs, films etc he wud get frustrated and angry with himself and when i wud try to help he wud just leave it, i was full of reasurance always with him, we left it for a cple of months which has now turned into 2 yrs of no sex, Tried talking, suggested counselling , docs etc I think i speak for both of us in saying we luv each other for the kids sake, good relationship but i feel like house mate, kiss in the morning and night sometimes in the day, but nothing else. I work out , dress smart and look after myself, try to look sexy but its the taboo subject and it's not brought up. What do i do?, i blame myself for my mistake but i can't keep doing this as it's making life unbearable , i am hurting insidecos we cud (i think) have something special. He assures me there;s noone else and i believe him, I try to put it out of my mind but certain times during the month i get horny and then upset cos i feel such a waste of space, i'm 39 and can't come to terms with having a sexless marriage, i don't want to leave him either as that wud break my heart and my kids.Please can someone please comment and tell me what you honestly think i should do?

Its not you sweetie. Its him. Something is broken in him. You have had sex (although its a rare occasion). You are still wanting to have sex with him so from my perspective there is much hope still to save your marriage.<br />
<br />
My husband has not touched me in 10 years and now I can't look at him in a romantic way....its hopeless . You dear can save your marriage. Fight hard for it, make him go into therapy with you and do what the therapist tells you. Do the work because if there is still a spark it can turn into a flame.<br />
<br />
Wishing you the love you deserve.

mommyofts<br />
<br />
btw does that mean mum of twins? because so am i. and your story really touched a cord somewhere. about not even getting a hug or a kiss. earlier he would at least ask for these now its always me and he wants to quickly get over them so does not have to get turned on... what the hell is going on?

In every comment I read I swear that you are all in my head..or in my bedroom..I don't know what to do either...I have found **** on my husbands computer, and I know this is something people do..but damn he could have all the real life **** he wants with me...but your so right about the NO connection..the no bonding, touching ..nothing..that just kills me and I find myself wanting that more and more...Unloved and Unattractive is a very bad thing to feel and we shouldn't have to go through this .

Well<br />
<br />
Let me tell you ladies it has always been with women they think us guys have this craving that want quit, and it will come to a halt to seek you out weather for loving or so on. Or if you hurt your man in a way after long enough he will look as you as a stranger with the hidden feelings he no longer cares and you lost him. You have to be careful with a relationship keep it clean and healthy. most of all turn offs is most women dont take care of there self properly and come to bed thinking they are so hot when it is a turn off. would you sleep with a skunk. No harm intended I was married for 33 years and loved my wife with all my heart , and over the years she did so much damage to me I care what happens to her but threw her out and divorced her little over a year ago. My love for her almost caused me my life twice 5 days on life support and 7 days life support another so ladies if you think you but doesnt stink are you think your man will continue to put up with nonsense you will loose him. There is always 2 sides to stories and for someone to be newly married love should be on fore. So with thats being said check your lifes status how do you treat your man. And what I will say if he is a azz get rid of him, dont waste years of a relationship that will come to a end and will hurt worse because of the long connection.I know there are good women and good men sometimes hard to put them in the same basket

sometimes when my husband rejected me...and i feel so helpless...and i want to be happy...i my self thingking about doing it with someone else just please my self and be happy just ones in my life...

I am new to this site and could not believe what I was reading. I have been married for 7 yrs. next month. We have 2 children so of course the frequency of sex dropped off when the kids came alone. My husband was so mean about it. He said the most horrible things to me. Accussed me of getting what I wanted when my son was 3 mos. old and having no more use for him. It was just a few days after I had had an ****** for the first time since having the baby. It progressively got worse. I ended up being very ill and doctors could not find out what what wrong with me. So as you can imagine, again our sex lives suffered. He would ********** all the time so that when we did have sex he didn't last long at all. He had conditioned his body to respond quickly. I was never fullfilled and left frustrated. Then I finally found out what was wrong with me and had surgery and was on the road to recovery. My husband had not slept in the bed with me in yrs at this point. He first claimed that the bed hurt his back, but would not consent to a new bed. He then claimed that his mind raced because of work related stress, he would not take the sleeping pills the doc perscribed. Now he claims that he does not sleep in the room because all he thinks about is sex and he can't sleep. I have told him that if he is never in bed with me, how can he expect to be having sex. There is no reasoning with him. He says I am being selfish because I want to have that closeness with him. He says that if he is having to do without sex because of health issues, then that is his sacrifice, and that mine is that I don't get any of the other intamacy associated with a healthy relationship. He claims this is my sacrifice. He claims to know it is a downward spiral and cycle, but will not change anything he does. I am at the end of my rope. Many other men I have talked to don't understand him either. It is awful... He is cruel and selfish. I don't know what to do. My male friends say he is full of it. That he is getting it somewhere else. He is only 36. I do not feel that I am not an affectionate person, however; I can no longer stomach the idea of being with him because of all the hurt feelings. I can totally see why some people have affairs, not that I plan on that. But my gosh!!! My 15yr old from priourios marriage says that it is too bad I am in a marriage with a man that does not love me. My friends have listened to me for too long and nothing changes. However, society loves to blame women for sexless marriages. I am so tired of hearing that men are sexual animals and need sex and that it is the womans job to put out... I was sick for crying out loud. I asked him yesterday ..."If i was to have and accident and could never have sex again. Would you never sleep in the same room with me." He said that he would probably not sleep with me!!!! WTF Someone, anyone, this can't be normal.

The beginning of my marriage I would keep myself awake just to get it up and get some now I can't even get that he refuses in his sleep!!!!! Sweetie I know it sucks is a total pain in the ***... you can work yourself to the bone and he won't do jack **** but talk and maybe cuddle... and make promises he won't keep... My H **** addict... gets it up to ********** but not to make love... I am getting close to leaving I have been married coming up on 3 yrs but without sex it is just roommates really.... I have asked him about his **** hoping to emulate it but he won't answer... I know he at least likes girl on girl... but he gets jealous when I try it... (only made out with a friend in front of him) he didn't like it... going crazy...

who's to say we should stay married? I am 43 and have been in a sexless marriage for 8 (yes, 8) years! I am done.......divorcing him soon. I can't take it anymore. We still love each other, but I cannot handle living the rest of days w/o an intimate relationship. My kids are older....17 & 15. I am ready to try and find someone with the complete package: Fun, sexy, caring, etc.... It is scaring the crapout of me. but I have to move forward w/my life!

NO....You are not alone...>there are lots of us out there....even more than we might ever think that there is.....<br />
<br />
And that is the hardest part....I can only hope that they find us...and join in the club......Being with someone that understands...Does make it a little more tolerable

PHEW............I thought I was the only one...is it a relief to know their are other women out there going through similar things....yes...I too am not sure how much longer I can live with out sex, yet I love my husband so much...

Wow, I'm not alone!!!<br />
<br />
My husband is the exact same way. He is a great father and we have a great relationship...but our sex life SUCKS! He rather watch t.v. or be on the internet then to lay next to me or yet alone have sex with me.....not that i am saying it is okay to cheat but I do understand how some people could go "out side the marriage" How much longer can I live like this?

WELL NOW. I CHOSE THIS ONE BECAUSE OUT OF ALL THE ONES IVE READ WERE WOMEN TALKING ABOUT THEIR MEN. THIS LETS ME KNOW THAT IT GOES BOTH WAYS. I TOO LOVE MY WIFE AND SHE IS SO SEXY TO ME BUT SHE IS OR SAYS SHE IS HAPPY WITH OUT SEX. WEVE BEEN MARRIED 9 YEARS WITH 3 KIDS. WE HAVE BEEN ON UPS AND DOWNS WITH SEX FOR YEARS AND SHE HAS HAD A HYSTERECTOMY SO I TRY TO PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING I KNOW SEX IS NOT EVERYTHING IN A MARRIAGE AND BY READING ALL THESE BLOGS I KNOW THAT IT HAS A LOT OF WEIGHT UPON PHYSICAL EMOTIONAL AND PSYCOLOGICAL HAPPINESS. SHE IS VERY SHY AND TIMID. IVE JUST TOLD HER AGAIN HOW I FELT. WE WILL SEE WHAT CHANGES THIS TIME . I ALSO GET BLOWED OFF AND FEEL UNATTRACTED AND UNLOVED. SOME ONE TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD

I always thought that I was crazy - every guy on TV and in movies wants the girl to have sex with him and the girls are always in control or not in the mood or annoyed that it's all their husbands think about.<br />
And all I want to know is...why can't I be one of those women?! <br />
I want to be lusted after and swat away all the advances, I want to be chased and get to decide if I'M in the mood instead of hoping against hope that it may happen for me tonight, I want to tell him that I have a headache or I'm tired or whatever and leave him wanting more. <br />
<br />
But no - I have to be one of the (what I thought until I found this site) aberrant freaks that wants sex more then once every month.<br />
<br />
I don't mind cleaning the house or picking up his underwear or cooking him meals and doing the dishes after - if I were getting some then that would all be my pleasure. Instead, i feel ugly, rejected and wondering if this really is my destiny. I can't believe it could possibly be.<br />
After 4 years of this, he's finally called a marriage/sex therapist. We're going to see her next week.<br />
Wish me luck...

I know how you all feel. My husband is a wonderful man he treats me like a princess. We do everything together. He always comments on how lucky he is to have me and how much he enjoys our life together. Last year we had sex 4 times! I can't even bring the suject up he becomes angry with me as if I am a sex maniac. I have given up asking for sex but this is no way to live. I am no beauty queen but several men at work have been very flirtatious with me so I can't be all that bad looking. I feel very unattractive and undesirable. The attention I get at work is nice but I want it from my husband ! I am heartbroken I love him so much but we live like brother & sister.

wow you sound just like me... so far i have not found husband to look at **** but he knows computers verywell and he could hide it. last night i was listening to an audio book and there was a part that detailed sex. i was actually breathing hard.....

..I know that he looks at PlayGirl and masturbates,I think he may be lazy.

Girls ..first of all hi :)<br />
<br />
i read many of your stories and i have been through your situation but u know what ladies stop running after your man you know whats a big turn on for a man?<br />
a woman who loves herself <br />
let a man follow you

It doesn't work. When I stopped initiating, sex completely stopped.

most men are board with tradional married sex, they have the virgin mary sindrom, they want sex with bad girls if they respect a girl to much it turns them offf big time<br />
example I know several men that are married to really sluty women that openly cheat on them and they have been married for decades thes men complain to their friend about their wives, but in reality they are bragging they are marrried to hot women and the other men enjoy the stories, these guy useally encourge their wifes to cheat first by not having sex with them because they are board, then the wife cheats secrectly not a good idea GET CAUGHT this cause a huge fight that leeds to hot make up sex this is not alway true but I know several couple that this is true and you do too have you never asked why he does not divorce her? the cheap ****

I am a male in a sexless, loveless marriage. So I can relate to your situation.<br />
I don't fully understand why your husband would turn to ***** if he has a wife who encourages sex.<br />
I don't know your situation but as long as you have tried to be sexy, and he knows by how you respond that you fully enjoy sex with him then it shouldn't be a problem.<br />
I know when I used to have sex with my wife, it was never fulfilling. It was only to happen on a rigid schedule, and she would be half asleep during it most times. You have to make sure the sex is spontaneous and fun.<br />
Have you let him know you are open to some experimentation with your sex life (within reason, I am not suggesting multiple partners or anything like that)? That may help him feel that your intimate moments are never going to be boring and he will look forward to it.<br />
Being a man I know that todays society does affect a mans sex drive.<br />
By the way, my sexless marriage wasn't my wish, in any way.<br />
However, I know that modern society can make a man feel un-needed, unimportant, can make him feel that masculine feelings or actions are wrong, etc.. In short, many men feel they don't have a role as men anymore in society.<br />
I think a lot of men struggle to feel good about their masculinity.<br />
That may be part of the problem. If he is really self conscious about his appearance, there is counselling for that readily available.<br />
Another problem can be unrealistic expectations from watching too much internet ****. Some men watch this and then they feel their wives, or girl friends aren't really enjoying sex because they don't act the way the women on the internet do.<br />
I would suggest you keep encouraging him about it in a gentle and loving manner. Don't be afraid to initiate sex with him. But , I also think that he has to realize, eventually, that you are not going to let this continue.<br />
If you don't confront it eventually it will lead to you having a very poor self image and it will start to show in how you look after yourself, etc.. I know from experience being married to someone who has no interest in sex, that you can become depressed, and lose interest in other areas of life because of it.<br />
So don't let that happen to you. He has to understand that satisfying each other sexually is part of the marriage "deal".<br />
I hope this can help. I understand the pain you feel inside and he needs to understand it too.

I am glad I'm not the only one in this boat. I don't want to be in it, but at least I'm not as alone in it as I feel. My husband makes excuse after excuse...and he's got a whole stockpile of them...but they aren't real. I can read him like a book, but he still feels he needs to lie to me. I have asked him if he's having an affair, to which he said no. I have asked him if he finds me attractive, to which he pauses long and says he doesn't think I'm ugly. What in the world is that supposed to mean? Sommerville, I liked your comment of "everyone gets horny". I agree. And that horniness must have to go somewhere, right? I mean, you can't just ignore it. I've contemplated divorce a few times, but my kids are still tiny, and it would hurt them so much. And I really do love him, more than anything. I just feel like my best friend is gone, the guy who used to look at me like I was the only one in the room and would rub my arm for no reason or kiss me passionately before he left. I don't even get a goodnight kiss anymore. He just rolls over and starts snoring. I miss him, and I don't know how much longer I can manage to do this on my own. I've tried talking to him to make him understand how hurt I feel, but he can't have a serious conversation about anything. He just blows me off. I feel so unattractive and unloved.

They can't possibly WANT to feel or be this way! Right?<br />
<br />
OMG! I miss my husband so much, that feeling of connection and the little glimpses at each other because we know what we do alone together! <br />
Sigh<br />
<br />
I'm not giving up though. I can't. I don't want anyone else and I know that I have to just be patient and understanding but damn, it still hurts.

Who says that you have to be patient and understanding? It's not like it's going to get any better! It hurt a lot more being lonely with a husband who supposedly was my legitimate outlet for sexuality then it ever hurt being lonely when I was truly alone.

I honestly don't think these guys care how we feel. They care that they get whatever it is that they want out of the marriage!

I'm totally with you Wednesday. The only reason that the lack of sex was a problem in my marriage, was because it was a problem for me! Perfectly said, he was getting exactly what he wanted out of the marriage. I'm two years in, and in the process of separating. You are right, it won't get any better. I know that alot of people here say to work at it, and things will get better, well I say that they are delusional. After my husband (after I ruled out medical issues, sexual abuse, or orientation) let almost a year go by with no sex, if it's that difficult and he has to see a therapist just to have sex with me (which he did for a bit and quit!) guess what? I don't want it. I want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex wit me. People wake up! A cliche, but really life is too short.......I have wasted 2 years of mine........

My hubby watches it all the time on tv. But here I am, 16 weeks into my marriage - and the last 12 have been sexless. He has a physical issue - but won't talk about it, won't admit it and sure won't do anything about it. I have tried everything that I can possibly think of to get him to want me. I don't know what to say. He just doesn't want to have sex. Is he cheating? Who knows.<br />
<br />
All that I do know, is that I am going out of my mind! I have never felt more empty, rejected, unloved, unwanted, unattractive and alone that I do right now.<br />
<br />
I wish that he would realize that we are only in our 30's! I did NOT sign up to live a celibate life for the rest of my years!<br />
<br />
How the heck do I cope? I have absolutely no idea what to do. I am lost. He has no desire to exert energy or prioritize the issue.<br />
<br />
He is to the point that he basically avoids all physical contact with me. I think he believes that if he keeps a distance - than the subject of sex won't arise. (???)<br />
<br />
God help us. At this rate, without his copperation, there is no way that this marriage will survive. I am so desperate.

GET OUT IF U CAN

Type your comment here...

i've got another one of these, too. did they come in a set, perhaps? where did the set go that was ravenous, spent days lusting after me? ohyeah, they were little ***** with massive egos and screwed-up lives.<br />
<br />
my partner: yes, i'm attracted to you. no, i don't even think about other women. yes, i do want you. <br />
<br />
all words, no action=you lying sack of ****!

I have always thought that he is cheating...I say he is just not having sex with me! afterall he is a man! all men want sex or think about sex all the time (don't they?) he says that it is only me that he wants I just wish he would show it sometimes

Sommerville, <br />
<br />
I loved your statement " everyone gets horny don't they?" what a perfect statement. I mean come on now! How are we supposed to feel...<br />
<br />
Then your mind wonders, is he cheating? at least mine does sometimes.

I am in love with him, and I know he loves me - but am I being selfish or shallow to put so much emotional value on what is only one piece of the "good marriage" pie? I almost thought maybe I should go on anti-depressants, than I would be happy and it would most likely kill my remaining libido........<br />
Please visit my profile (or whatever, I am new online and still not fully clear how to utilize the site) for my full stiry.<br />
<br />
here's my question - IF a guy is in love with his wife, isn't gay - and says he thinks she is attractive - why no sex for 4 years? I mean - everyone gets horny don't they?

Please tell me that after 4 years (Your post is from 2007) it gets better! I've thought about taking anti-depressants also but just can't bring myself to it. I felt like I was being selfish for wanting sex. But this is my husband! I desire only him. Why doesn't he understand that??

I'm in the same situation as you. I love my husband, he loves me, we get along great, we have fun together with friends, golfing, etc. But he has zero interest in sex. I know he loves me. I wrote him a letter. I asked if he read it, he said yes. End of story. I don't understand.

well this comes from a man in the same boat. How does my wife think it is ok not to have sex. I have no problem talking openly about it, but I would rather have it then talk about. So why does a women not want sex?

well this comes from a man in the same boat. How does my wife think it is ok not to have sex. I have no problem talking openly about it, but I would rather have it then talk about. So why does a women not want sex?