Self Help Books?

A little background on me... My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2.5 years of them. I obviously live in a sexless marriage. It has been a little over three months since we last had sex and let's just say this isn't a dry spell. Things have gotten continuously worse over the course of our relationship. I cry myself to sleep sometimes over it and I know he knows. Last time I went into the other bedroom to sleep. The next morning he said he loved me and tenderly kissed me on lips and said he was sorry before he left for work. However... no sex. Not even on Valentine's Day. My birthday will be next week and I'm sure there won't be any birthday sex either. He has been on some major pain killers for a very long time. Sometimes I think it may be those. Yet, I am hurt that he doesn't seem to be doing anything to get off of them. Other times I think it is because he is stressed from work as he does work a lot. Then other times I just think it is me and why won't he change if he see's how much it hurts me? I am at a loss for what to do and am hesitant to join counseling as I am afraid that could hurt our relationship since a recent study said most couples two years after finishing treatment are more unhappy.I just recently went on Amazon and picked up two books on sexless marriages. I am hoping these will help. I know... lame to do but has anyone had any success with such books? Am I naive to think this will fix itself? I swear everytime we have sex I dis-illusion myself to think that we finally pulled out of it and then weeks and months go by and I was obviously wrong.

IslandGirl06 IslandGirl06
26-30
6 Responses Feb 23, 2009

Did you consider an affair to get what you really wanted...sex.

Islandgirl, I have just joined this site moments ago and did my FIRST search on 'sexless marriage' and WOW! I'm not alone! :-( <br />
I too am in a marriage with no sex/physical contact! I am sorry but I don't have any advice for you, but perhaps knowing that you are not alone gives you a little comfort? I feel slightly better to know that it is not just ME!<br />
I have been with my husband for 10 years, (married for 6), and have 2 young children. Sex was never great and ALWAYS initiated by me, and looking back I can now see that it was only ever really one sided (ie; foreplay etc).<br />
Yes, I am sure he still loves me (in his own funny way), but I think only as a wife and mum and not as a WOMAN (if you get my meaning).<br />
It is 13 months since I last had sex with him, as I have given up practically begging for it now. I have tried talking to him so many times, but he is convinced we have a 'normal' marriage, and sees no need for sex, as we have our children now!!!! I've been given all the usual excuses too!<br />
I too won't leave him because he worships our children and they worship him too, and I could never destroy their childhood because I love them too much (and have come from a 'broken home' myself).<br />
I have warned him so many times that he's pushing me into an affair and he keeps saying "you'll never do that!" (little does he know!) I think the only thing people like us can do (if we choose to stay with our partners), is to take one day at a time, and do whatever gives us that tiny bit of happiness which we crave for. Life is way too short! Please get in touch if you want to chat more. :-) x

in the same predicament, we have been married for nine years, two daughters of 4 and 6, have known each other for over 20 years, initially, sex was great, but it gradually became less and less, certainly as he started to work, and he did work hard, there were a few rejections, which i took very badly, he would not talk about it, not a big talker, i would find him ************ to *****, but not having sex with me, he would be embarassed, then recently, with all market turmoil etc, turns out he has been having at the very least an emotional relationship with this woman at his work, when i found out, and it all escalated, it seemed we were having sex all night every night, now that has normalised again, he seems bent on wanting to stay together, i am very cynical as to his motivation (he is financially now dependent on me, before he was doing very very well), anyway,<br />
i am looking at this situation, in which someone i thought i knew is so very different, i am an attractive professional, with a great income, capable of taking care of myself and my girls, the only reason i stay is because they love him so much and clearly he loves them.

my my.. this sounds like my life! i cry myself to sleep.. he knows... wakes up in the morning.... peck on the lips... 'i love u' and gone!! works too much.... i keep thinking somethings wrong with me... coz how can a 'man' not want sex!<br />
and as for ur comment on my story.. pls put a hold on ur children plan.

Islandgirl, I'm in the same situation and I also have an IUD but I do have two teen aged children. You can read my account if you wish. In fact when I came on this site in October I thought I was one of the very few in my predicament. There are times I cope better and there are times I don't cope at all, like now. 18 years ago I brought my husband (boyfriend then) to my gynae who's male in the hope that he could help. That time there was tonnes of desire and want but no physical movement. In the early years of the relationship the physical desire kept us going even if the outcome wasn't entirely satisfactory. I always put in a huge effort to arouse him. At some point he tired of this and used to tell me not to waste my time, but he would pleasure me. It all became so mechanical and then it ended, the night before my birthday, three years ago was the last time, or maybe it was four? We're still together, but only just. I think when your husband leaves the bedroom he's effectively left the marriage. He sometimes "visits", I've never refused, I stay busy and try to remain upbeat but god, if I had my time over again I wouldn't have ignored the warning signs way back then. I wish I could say you'll find help in the books. I've been reading them for years. I think the underlying problems run too deep and they don't want us going there. On the other hand you are young and you have options and I'm sure you'll be able to figure all of this out in time but you shouldn't be carrying this burden alone. He needs to get on board with you and then maybe it will get sorted. Take Care x

No, dear, it won't fix itself. He's got want to help. You need to focus on what exactly is causing the problem. In your story, you mentioned maybe his work, his pain meds, and maybe you are correct. But what does HE say is the problem? And does he miss being with you, or does he think nothing's wrong?