Here We Go Again!

Well, I have hovered on this site for a while and it is time I shared my story.  I have been married for 9 1/2 years. Almost immediately, like on the honeymoon, I realized that my husband and I had  very different sex drives.  Now, let's go back to the beginning.  I am a born again Christian as is my husband. .. I had been married previously and divorced.

My first husband was very emotionally and verbally abusive.  After my daughter was born, he would not touch me.  I worked out like crazy, i was buff and I thought I looked good but he told me over and over how disgusting I was.  He wanted me to weigh 115 pounds except when pregnant and for 6 months after giving birth. Well, I did not weigh 115 I was about 135 and also not 16 anymore. We got engaged when I was 16 and married at 18.  My daughter was born when I was 20. Well, he told me in no uncertain terms that no one would ever want me, that I was a fat disgusting....well, some other very nasty things.  He wouldn't touch me and even before the pregnancy he would fantasize that I was other people and told me this.  After my daughter was born he wouldn't touch me. I even danced for him on Valentines and he left not to come back until the next day.  He confessed to having affiars.  On to the current marriage....

We met at church in a singles group and decided to have more of a courtship.  We kissed the night he proposed, just once, and had no other physical contact. I told him about my past, how the words my ex-husband said hurt me so badly and how the rejection devasted me.  I shared that I could not deal with that kind of rejection again.  This was before we were engaged. He told me it wouldn't be a problem.  I had been very promiscuous and shared with him that I really enjoyed sex. Well, I am in a sexless marriage so .....

Well, the same night I confessed about my first husband being so cruel, my future husband shared with me that he struggled with ***********.  He said that he didn't have any problems with it and had a very high sex drive. Boy, I couldn't wait for the honeymoon!  He was more into the Nintendo than me.  That first night we were both exhausted so I understood but I think we only had sex 3 or 4 times on our honeymoon. I thought okay, we just have to get more comfortable with each other. We got home and I kept trying and the excuses started.  Funny thing, they were all the same things I shared with him that my ex had said....you are too fat, you need to lose weight. When those excuses didn't deter me he informed me that only ****** and hookers liked sex and that he wasn't attracted to ****** and hookers.  Well, I still tried, I did not want my marriage to end and I sought help. We went to counseling and he confessed that he was again looking at ****. He stopped...for a while but meanwhile we had sex twice one year; yes you read correctly twice in a year.  Another year 4 times. I think we had one good year - after I had a major emotional breakdown - due to the lack of communication, intimacy - relationship in my marriage! Well, I don't know why but for about a month we actually had sex 3 times a week. Then back to normal. If normal is sex once a quarter or thereabouts.

I could tell of some of the many incidents but I don't know that they matter. What matters is the fact that each ended in rejection. I live in a constant state of rejection. Current and past, I have come to the conclusion that I have to be the most repulsive being on the face of the earth. I don't know of another person  who can enter into the most intimate of relationships, marriage, and be rejected physically and emotionally. Not once but twice. Whenever I think of ending this marriage I remember this and figure why bother, rejection from another person would kill me. Literally! So I chose to stay. I don't have a marriage partner or a best friend.  I would say a roommate but we have 4 kids - amazing considering our lack of sex huh! - and we don't share responsibilities.

So there is my story. Hopefully you found some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

unwantedathome unwantedathome
36-40, F
5 Responses Mar 7, 2009

The trick is to feel better about you. Once you get yourself healthy, you will not want to be around unhealthy people any more. It is very likely that you attracted a man of this nature a second time, because you had not gotten yourself healthy after your first husband. <br />
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You need to emotionally disconnect from him, get yourself in therapy and start doing things for yourself to build yourself back up. Then leave his sorry ***. There is love out there. You can have it, you deserve it.

i really feel for you. your situation mirrors mine in so many ways. maybe that is why am going to be so forthright with you (i got really upset when i read your post because i know what it feels like to be in your situation). so here it is: your husband needs to see a qualified sex therapist/psychiatrist. he has serious psychological problems (p*** can do this: ask me, i am in the same boat!!!). as long as you see yourself as repulsive/unattractive, you are putting the guilt onto yourself instead of putting it where it really belongs: with him. as long as you are blaming yourself for not looking good enough, you are minimising his guilt.<br />
I am in the same situation as you are. the hurt and rejection i feel has nearly destroyed me. as one woman to another, i just want you to know that nothing you do will be good enough because NO woman can compete with p***. you have to stop beating yourself up about this and realise that your attractiveness HAS NOTHING to do with the fact that he does not sleep with you. he has a huge psychological problem. the fact that this has happened in BOTH your marriages, just proves that this is a massive wide-spread problem.<br />
all this said, the very advice i am giving you, i struggle to take myself! i used to love myself and felt that i was desirable. i never saw myself as conservative in bed and regarded myself to be quite adventurous. but soon i began to feel ugly because i just could not get myself to look like those P*** stars. i bought sexy lingerie, dyed my hair blonde and did things for my husband that degraded me. nothing worked. i have come to realise that my own thinking was becoming warped. when i started to be critical of my own looks, i also became critical of others. i realised that i was becoming a shallow person. by hating myself more and more i was in fact becoming a less likable person....a self-fulfilling prophecy. i don't want to be the person i have let myself become... and i hope you won't either.<br />
my heart goes out to you and i hope you have got some comfort from this.

Thank you both for your comments. Bareback - I agree that this should not be a problem for a Christian male but well as you know many men struggle with this issue. I agree that there are other issues in our marriage and have sought accountablitity partners myself. I have begged and pleaded with him to do the same however they rarley meet and only talk to each other every 4-6 weeks or so. Not helpful!<br />
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I have also come to the conclusion that his is my thorn but I am struggling with bearing this cross as the rejection cuts so deep that I even find myself questioning God's love for me.<br />
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I appreciate your advice and will continue to pray for my husband. I have been for years but since I read your comment a couple of days ago there has been a renewed sense to my prayers for him. Thanks again!

First, you said that you both are born again Christians. <br />
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*********** for a born again Christian is not an option. I will not go into details about it, being a Christian, you probably already know why. *********** is a problem that a high % of men have to deal with. What your husband needs is a male accountability partner, someone who is older than him that he respects and will help him. Someone he can confide to. <br />
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Your husband has problems other than a low sex drive. Your sex drive may be above normal but for a man to treat his wife in demeaning ways is far from Christ-like. It will take time for him to change, he has to first admit his need.<br />
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You won't like to hear this, but each one of us has to bear at least one thorn in the flesh(just like the Apostle Paul), this is probably yours. You will need to decide whether it will push you away from God or towards God. You will have to commit to faithful prayer for your husband, prayer that is not focused on you and your desires but prayer that is focused on him and his needs.<br />
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I can't even begin to ask God for what you need all I can do is prayer for God's best for you.

I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time of it. You know, the marriage bed is intended to get in touch with each others needs and that of our own. Sex is to allow us to let off steam, explore what we each are feeling through such an intimate way. I think too, that one day late in life some of us just do not need sex nor do we have to have it for any reason. What we really want is just to be loved and accepted for who we are. Besides the parts might not work so well when older. So, in essense what I am saying is that there is something wrong between u both. Get to the emotional problems. Do you demand too much sex?<br />
Twice a week is normal. More than that is bliss if both like it. Respect each others needs. **** will kill a marriage if it is a daily or weekly need. Thats his emotional and physical needs met...Unplug the computer.