Husband Prefers **** Over Wife

I am so sad at the moment, after finally feeling happy again for the first time in many months.  When I got home today I saw that my husband had been on my computer looking at ****.  We haven't had sex in over 10 years and I see that he watches sex on the television at least once a week and now on the computer too.  Seems like once again I have given up so much so he can do what he wants.  Right now I feel like I am not destined to ever be happy again.

cat5dog1 cat5dog1
51-55, F
4 Responses Mar 8, 2009

well said, Nightstorm!

I to share this problem. I to sought professional help. I know it's not me and there is nothing I can do to compete with this. My husband has enough **** on his computer to open his own store. My husband has actually established relationships with these women. I've read e-mails with him detailing what he wants to do to them sexually. Reading the e-mails has really hurt. I have confronted him (3 times now) and each time he tells me he will stop. I've told him that I don't believe him or trust him anymore and I don't. He has just gotten very good at hiding it so I cannot find it on his computer (I've stopped looking). He creates profiles that are totally false so these women think they are talking to someone their not. He sends them pictues of himself that are not him. He lies to them and to me. I'm tired of asking for sex so I don't anymore. I'm tired of hoping he will change, because he won't. I'm tired of wanting love from someone who doesn't love me. We've been married 11 years and this has been going on for at least 5 years. It's been three years since we have really had sex. I'm open minded and not afraid to try new things. I've bought sexy things to wear to bed. This past week-end I threw away a sexy silk nitie I bought 2 years ago that still had the tags on it. I'm 52 and of couse don't look like these 24 year olds he talking to and watching. I can't leave due to financial reasons. I am however looking at ways to change that so I can leave. I refuse to live the rest of my life with a man that perfers the computer world to me. If you can't get him to change or go for help then it is you who have to decide if you can live the rest of your life the way it is. I'm sorry for you because I know how much it hurts and how betrayed you feel.

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i am in a similar situation myself, so hopefully i can try to offer a bit of advice that might help you! this response is partly as a result of my outrage at the post by "orallover" that was put up as a reply to you....<BR>my therapist told me that every man expends his sexual energy somewhere and if my husband is not having sex with me then i had to find out where he is releasing this energy. i found out it was through ****. it was something i never would have guessed because of my husband's sweet, conservative nature.<BR>i also live in a (virtually)sexless marriage. i already realised 2 weeks into the marriage that something was horribly wrong. he always had some or other excuse to avoid intimacy. he was also always on the computer. it has driven me crazy trying to figure out what he problem was. howerver, i found out a few months ago (after 2 years of marriage) that my husband has been watching **** (he denied this previously). i felt cheated because he was using all his sexual energy on meaningless **** while he was not even touching me, a real-life person who really loves him! his long showers also started to make sense: he prefers to ********** than to touch me. after that i made an effort to learn to access his computer and the cookies on his computer and could track his internet history. i was shocked, even though i am an open-minded person (because he is a very shy, sweet, conservative type of man). most of the stuff involved anal sex, which i told my husband (before we were married) was the only thing i would not engage in. after i confronted him, he said that it was something he wanted from me but knew i would not do it, so used instead used ****. he said i was too conservative. after thinking about it and realizing that i did not want to lose him because of this i decided to put my own feelings aside and try sex the way he wanted it. it was the first time that he ever got really sexually excited with me. i watched the **** he was watching behind his back and learnt to copy all the stuff i had seen so as to impress him in bed (even though i had previously considered myself to be really good in bed). i had the sexy underwear and even got a blonde wig! i transformed myself into exactly what i had seen. this worked because we had sex about 3 times that month! which is a record for us, as usually it only happens once every few months...and only after i have threatened to leave him). However, this was short-lived because soon after that he lost interest again. i saw that he was watching **** again 3 times last week. now i am more hopeless than ever, because i gave him everything he wanted and put aside my own morals and feelings to please him. i degraded myself for nothing... and this is the point i am trying to make: THE PROBLEM IS NOT WITH YOU, IT IS WITH HIM. there is no way you can COMPETE with ****. **** sets up expectations that you can never achieve no matter how hard you try: you will never be young enough, thin enough, blonde enough etc... your husband obviously compares you, a real-life person, to someone that is only fantasy (plastic surgery, good lighting, loads of make-up etc), and it is not fair to you. this is actually a form of cheating. on dr phill's website he deals with this subject and his verdict is that it is definitely regarded as cheating on your spouse. please go to his website and read his article "is watching **** cheating?". i highly recommend you do that. if your husband is anything like mine, then he will probably refuse to go for counselling. but i really believe that a sex therapist is the only way to deal with this problem. he has to decide: you or the ****. problem is that he can tell you that he won't do it again, but it is something that is so easy to keep secret and you will probably be driven crazy with suspicion. the only way is for him to admit the problem and follow it up by action: he needs to be held responsible to this commitment by someone OUTSIDE of the marriage, like a counsellor. if you do choose this route, don't go to just any psychologist. they need to have training in sexual counselling or problems. lastly, i just want to say that i am not saying you should not try new, kinky things with your husband, all i am saying is that to try to compete with **** is useless. you can learn a few tricks but at the end of the day the problem lies in your hubands mind. i hope i have not been too forward. and this is also like "the blind preaching to the blind" ha-ha! i wish i had the courage to better deal with my own problems! good luck to you!