My Life

I've been married for 14 years, we've been together for a total of 17 years.  While we were dating, sex was okay, nothing specatular, but we connected on many other levels, in many other ways.  After we married, I found that he had a huge collection of pornographic material, all directed towards pretty hard core BD with a little SM.  This troubled me.  He assured me it would be gone and not interfere.  Our sex life began to wane over the next two years due to increased ED, he was rarely able to acheive and maintain an erection.  The last time we actually had intercourse, was 13 years ago when our youngest child was conceived.  Since then, he has continued to view pornographic material and has joined several online sites.  All these sites have had hard core BDSM.  I'm very open to variety and play in the bedroom, but these images are things that I won't even do. 

So, as our marriage has continued, I've confronted him with the **** issue and expressed my view of feeling cheated of intimacy.  I will admit that I have refused activities that he desires.  I don't like being tied up with rope and chains to the point of pain, I don't like ball gags and latex or leather masks, I don't like to be left alone to struggle to breathe and not be in pain while he watches from across the room.  I'm lonely.  I want a sex life, perferably a sex life that I enjoy.

How do I accept that I will never have pleasurable sex ever again?  How do I hold together a marriage that is void of intimacy?  How do I cope with the loneliness?

lilylady lilylady
46-50, F
7 Responses Mar 10, 2009

is he just not interested?

He has ED due to complications of diabetes. He was diagnosed when he was 20 and spent many years ignoring his disease and being totally non-compliant. By the time he was 35 he had complications usually seen in men in their 60's or 70's. He has not been able to achieve or maintain an erection in 13+ plus years. He CAN'T have intercourse. He has tried almost every treatment on the market-- pills, injections, inserts, pumps-- none have been effective. Due to his medical condition he is not a candidate for implant surgery. <br />
He still feels excitement, he still enjoys stimulation and he still experiences a type of "climax" sensation -- but with no erection. What he finds stimulating is the hard core BDSM pronography. So, he has his "sexual outlet" and I'm lonely and frustrated. I want real live sex, and he can't and is attracted to a particular type of **** in which I choose to not participate.<br />
Can a marriage survive with this type of disconnect? How do I work through my feelings of abandonment in our sex life?

You say he CAN"T have intercourse. Why? Is it a physical problem? I understand the **** issue I to am in the same boat.

I just don't enjoy the hard core BDSM type of incounter. In so many ways, he really is not a horrid person. He loves me unconditionally, puts up with my craziness, adores his children and is always available for them. Everyone likes him. He is, in everyday life, generous, kind, thoughtful, funny, and the best friend you could ever hope to have.<br />
I like intercourse. I just don't like his brand and choice of Kink -- not just because it is painful and not exciting for me -- but because it doesn't even end with intercourse. <br />
My frustration is that I really, really like sex and want to have an active sex life, but he CAN'T and what excites and arouses him is not what I enjoy. In some ways I feel like I'm turning my back on him, because I choose to not participate in activities that will arouse him. He CAN'T have intercourse. That is not a choice for him, but something he has to live with daily. <br />
Can I learn to enjoy what excites him to establish a sexual relationship again?

Lilylady: This is heartbreaking. Are you personally in any kind of counseling? If not you should be. This is borderline abuse. I am no prude by any stretch, but he needs some serious help. <br />
<br />
Gain some self-respect and confidence back, pack your things and move out.

Hello sorry to hear about that you should not be treated like some sex toy you .Should be papperd loved gentle rubbed in speical spot to relax you .Warm oil soft music scented candels love like you never before reach a climax that you never though could be . tRY HAVING EXTRA AFFAIR ON SIE DISCREET TO FILL YOUR NEEDS LIVE FOR YOUR SELF YOU DESIRVE IT LIFE IS SHORT.. bEST TO YOU JETDECK

I could have written this except my husband is not at all interested in sex. Nothing. I am so sorry and I wish I could encourage you more. It is a lonely existance.