Lost

It's taken along time to come to terms with this. It's something I think about everyday. I am 25, and married for just a little over 2 years. Over the past 7 months (and I'm sure many of you are thinking...geez, 7 months, what's the deal) my husband has stopped wanting to have sex with me. It's been an emotional time, a confusing time, and a time where I find myself questioning my own worth as a woman, a young woman, and wondering what I've done wrong. This is not the first time in our marriage (our short marriage) that he has lost interest; the first three month we were married we did not sleep together.

He has been very emotional, moody, and very defensive. When I try to approach him to talk, he gets very upset, and we usually end up arguing. I told him that I just want to understand, no matter what the issue may be. He does not want to go to counseling and says we will start having sex again "soon" but it never happens. This is just the short version...it's all so confusing, I'm having trouble compiling it.

 I wanted to add more. When I seek advice, I am asked how he is finding sexual satisfaction, and I don't know. We've never had a very healthy sex life, and I wonder sometimes why he even wanted to marry me, because not only are we not intimate, sometimes I don't even feel loved. I feel deep down he is hiding something, and it's utterly frustrating. The defensiveness, the mood swings...it's to a point of me wanting to just leave.

onlylivingdoll onlylivingdoll
22-25
4 Responses Mar 21, 2009

like you, onlylivingdoll, i have also tried to change so that my husband will notice me. i used to like myself the way i was (i always felt attractive in past relationships) but my husbands constant rejection has made me question my self worth. i started to obsess about all sorts of things. i wore more make-up, dyed my hair blonde, tried new things in bed, showered obsessively, constantly obsessed about the extra kilos and ageing.... nothing helped. i have just recently realised that it is not me that is the problem, but him! i think us women tend to first blame ourselves for not being "good enough", instead of putting the blame where it really belongs. i am happier now that i am not trying to make myself "worthy" of him anymore. i have never been a person who is critical of others, but i noticed that since i started hating myself and obsessing over my own faults, i have also become critical of others. i have started to look at other women and think to myself "she needs to lose weight" or "she would look so much better if she dyed her hair/ or looked after herself better". i even started looking at my husbands physical imperfections, which is something i had never done before. i can't believe that i became so shallow and petty. that is what happens when you don't like yourself.... for the first time in my life i really realised that it is true that to love others you must first love yourself. i did not like the person i had become and i knew that i had to change to who i was before all the pain and humiliation. this has been hard for me. i have had to try and change my thinking. i think i am getting there.... my attitude toward my husband has changed over the past 2 weeks. i know now that i deserve better and i just keep reminding myself that he is the one with the problem. it is quite liberating. also, i am not so darn desperate for his attention anymore. i don't want to be that pathetic approval-seeking kind of person anymore. when i was looking for his approval i did all sorts of things to make him happy: things that debased me and humiliated me and just made me feel worse in the end. i truly feel like i have now regained some of my power back in the relationship since i have stopped trying to change myself. i have also learned to say "i'm not happy with this and i'm not going to put up with this because i deserve better". <br />
so things are now going better. i just hope i will have the strength to keep on track.... <br />
onlyliving doll, nobody is perfect and we were not meant to be. we deserve to be loved for who we are.

i appreciate what everyone said...and in response to everyone at once...<br />
<br />
i have tried so much to change, i've lost weight, changed my hair, my clothes my make up...everyone else, including other men, seem to notice, except for my husband. in fact, i went out this past weekend, and he only commented that "no other men better hit on you", but not, you look nice, you look stunning...stay home with me. i feel sometimes he just wants to control me, to not really love me, but he figures he's just married and that i should just be his posession. <br />
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i used to like myself too, chloe. alot. i feel totally worthless, and just pained. i want to have kids someday, but i feel like right now, i'm just figuring it all out, and wasting alot of time doing so. <br />
<br />
and i also agree that we should have been going at it like rabbits...because if we're this lackluster right now, what WILL happen when life steps in? when we have kids?? sigh.

I hate to tell you this................. newlyweds are at their horniest the first 2 - 3 years before life gets in the way. I have had a few acquantences that have had similiar issues like you described. All of them had husbands who were cheating on them. Sorry........

your story sounds just like mine. in the first 6 months of marriage we only had sex 3 times..and that included the wedding night. he also promised that things would get better, but 2 and a half years into the marriage, it has not changed. i also always thought he was hiding something from me, but i just could not figure it out. i tortured myself with questions. i wondered whether he was gay, or whether i was just not attractive enough, or whether he had a medical problem. i wondered if he was still in love with someone from his past, or whether he had endured trauma as a child. i drove myself crazy trying to figure it out.<br />
i am still in emotional hell, but after all this time i have learnt a few things: <br />
1. your instinct is always right and you KNOW whether someone is attracted to you or not (no matter what your partner says)..if your instinct tells you there is something that he is hiding from you, then trust it! i recenly found out that my sweet, gentle super-conservative husband has been *******off to **** behind my back. he has been hiding this from me from the beginning. he seems to prefer it to the real thing... but that is another story...<br />
2. you come to realise that it does't really matter WHY. it just IS. as long as you are trying to figure out why (and driving yourself crazy), his rejection of you becomes more acceptable to you because you reason to yourself that there must be some "perfectly normal explanation" behind it all..... it leaves you nowhere.<br />
<br />
anyway, i am at a stage where i am seriously considering leaving. i desperately wanted kids, and at 35, i can't wait around, in a sexless marriage, while my chances at getting pregnant decrease by the year....<br />
this marriage has killed the person i was. i used to like myself. i have no self-confidence left and i feel worthless as a woman. i wish i had had the guts to leave in the beginning.....